LaClaire Groom

by Dori Lavelle

  A sigh of relief escapes from me when the elevator jolts again and the doors open.

  At the entrance to Jia’s apartment, I pull out the key from my wallet. I’d forgotten to give it back to her when she came to my place.

  Staring at it in the palm of my hand, I think back to when she gave it to me, not many days ago, briefly mentioning that she changed her locks. I didn’t ask why because I was focused on playing Monopoly with Rose. Now, an uncomfortable feeling settles in the pit of my stomach. Why did she change the locks? I guess I’ll never know that answer since I don’t intend on talking to her again.

  Even though I want to make sure she’s well taken care of in the hospital, the accident doesn’t change my decision to walk out of her life. I’m only doing what any normal person would do to help another. That’s all there is to it.

  I curl my fingers around the key and close my eyes. A dull ache spreads through my knuckles, reminding me of when I punched the hospital mirror. I make a mental note to have the mirror replaced with a new one.

  “Are you okay?” Grace’s voice is coming from a distance away.

  I open my eyes and nod. It’s a lie. I’m far from okay. I’m afraid to open the door, afraid to walk back into Jia’s world after saying goodbye to her close to three hours ago. When she walked out of my house, I thought I’d never see her again.

  “Do you want me to do it?” Grace whispers.

  “No. It’s fine.” It’s the first time I’ve said anything to Grace since we left the hospital. I push the damn key into the lock, bracing myself for the memories on the other side.

  The scent of her perfume hits me full force and sends my head reeling. As the door closes behind us, I lean against it, trying to regain my control.

  Grace watches me, but no longer offers her help. She knows I’ll refuse. Instead, she turns away and runs her gaze around the small apartment. I wonder if she feels the same way I do. She, too, had formed a bond with Jia. They had come close enough for Jia to ask her to be her matron of honor. I’m sure she also feels betrayed.

  I can’t help wondering whether after Jia is out of the hospital, Grace will resume their friendship. How would I be able to move on knowing that Grace has access to Jia and I don’t?

  I’ll have to suck it up. I can’t ask Grace to cut off ties with Jia just because we no longer have a future together.

  I push away from the door. My hand tight around my cane, I get ready to walk back into Jia’s world.

  “Lance, you don’t have to do this,” Grace says. “Take a seat. I’ll pack up her things. I won’t be long.” Grace grabs a bag from underneath the bed, the bed I’d fucked Jia on.

  “Thanks.” I lower myself onto the couch, watching Grace throwing open the doors to Jia’s wardrobe.

  While she pulls out pieces of clothing from hangers, I focus on breathing. My eyes take in the fabrics, remembering some of them against my skin. I count the seconds until the torture is over.

  Why did I even have to come? Grace had offered to come alone. Could it be I wanted to say goodbye to Jia’s personal space?

  As Grace pulls open a drawer that I know contains Jia’s lingerie, I notice a large, white box beneath the hanging clothes.

  “What’s that?” I point at the box.

  “What?” Grace glances back at me, brows knitted.

  “That box. What’s inside it?”

  Grace shrugs. “She keeps her journals inside it.”

  “Bring it to me … please.”

  Grace rubs the back of her neck. “Lance, they’re private.”

  I rake a hand through my hair. “I need to have a look. I want to try and understand her.”

  Grace is quiet for a long time, wrapping her braid around her hand. “Fine,” she says finally. She picks up the box and comes to place it at my feet.

  Without bothering to think, I open the box. “There are at least ten journals in here. I didn’t know she keeps a journal.” I lift one out.

  Grace sighs. “I really don’t think you should read them. Journals are private.”

  “Grace,” I say between clenched teeth, “Jia kept a lot of things hidden from me. I’m sure you understand that I need closure.”

  “Is it really over?” Grace sinks onto the bed. “Do you really think she got together with you because of the money? Maybe she really changed. If she wanted your money, why did she hesitate when you asked her to marry you?”

  “Who the hell knows? Maybe it was all part of her plan.”

  20

  Jia

  When I open my eyes, the insides of my eyelids feel as though they’re made of sandpaper. Everything hurts, even the parts I can’t touch. When I woke up the first time, I was so weak and exhausted, I closed my eyes again immediately and drifted right back to sleep.

  I cough, and a sliver of pain slices through me. I’m about to ask myself what happened when my mind reminds me. I remember the sound of the cab driver’s deep voice as he sang, of the music flooding from the radio. I remember the sound of the crash, the screech of tires. I remember my eyes closing even when I didn’t want them to. I remember the darkness.

  I turn my head to the side in time to see the door opening and a doctor strolling through, a clipboard in hand.

  “Jia, I’m Doctor Stevens. I’m glad to see you fully awake.” A grin splits his face. He’s showing me kindness because he doesn’t know who I am, what I’ve done. I don’t deserve his kindness or anyone else’s.

  He comes to study the machine next to me. “Do you know what happened?” he asks, writing something on the sheet attached to his clipboard.

  I try to nod, but my head hurts too much. I blink instead.

  “You were involved in a car accident. It’s a miracle that you survived with only a few bruises.”

  “The driver?” The two words scratch my raw throat. “Is he okay?”

  Doctor Stevens stops writing and gives me a look that can only mean one thing. “I’m afraid he didn’t make it.”

  “My God.” Tears well up in my eyes.

  In the few minutes I got to know the cab driver, he seemed like such a happy, kind person. He died because of me. If I hadn’t called him, if I had taken my car, he would still be alive. His family would still be able to enjoy more time with him. They would be able to hear him sing again. It’s not fair. After everything I’ve done, I should have been the one to take his place. I’m sure that car accident was meant to be my punishment. Instead, the wrong person died.

  With tears dripping down the sides of my face, I glance at the machine the doctor had been studying a few seconds ago.

  Doctor Stevens sits in the empty chair that’s reserved for visitors. My heart cracks as it hits me that Lance didn’t visit. At the same time, I’m relieved. What more do we have to say to each other? Maybe he doesn’t even know I was involved in a car accident. It’s for the best. He should move on with his life and not feel obligated to take care of me.

  “When can I leave?” I’m afraid to ask how much damage the accident did.

  “You got a blow to the head that brought on unconsciousness, but your body is pretty much unscathed. It’s good news that you woke up not long after the accident.” The doctor smiles. “That’s a good sign.”

  Someone else would have been overjoyed that they got another chance at life. But I can’t find the joy in this. The truth is, I wish I’d died. “When can I go?” I ask again.

  “We will keep you here for two to three more days for observation. Before you walk out that door, I need to be sure you’re steady on your feet.”

  “You can’t release me today?”

  “I could, but that wouldn’t be wise.” He taps his pen against his lips. “There’s something else you should know. We found out not long ago.”

  Fear splinters what’s left of my heart. “What happened?”

  “You lost the baby.”

  “What ... What baby?” I lift my right hand from the bedsheet and place it on my stomach.

  “You didn
’t know you were pregnant?”

  I shake my head, biting back tears.

  “Oh, I had no idea.” His face takes on a pained expression. “I’m sorry.”

  “A baby?” I’m talking to the ceiling. I was going to have Lance’s baby. “That’s impossible.” I wet my dry bottom lip. “It’s not possible because I can’t have children.” My mind returns to the past, the night I lost my baby, and the hours that followed with me grieving inside my damp, stinky prison cell. The prison doctor’s words are still clear inside my head.

  “Is that so?” Doctor Stevens stands. “I guess it was a miracle.” His expression stills and grows more serious. “I’m so sorry again for your loss.”

  I’m in my own world as Doctor Stevens scribbles on his clipboard again.

  I think of the baby I made with Lance, our miracle baby. I’d wanted to tell Lance about not being able to have kids, but I never got the courage. I was afraid of the questions that would’ve followed. Questions that could have blown my cover.

  Losing Lance’s baby is a sign that we were never meant to be. Another kind of closure. Now that Lance is out of my life, he never has to know. I’ll grieve alone.

  Doctor Stevens slides his pen into his front pocket. “I suggest you get some rest. A nurse will bring you something to eat.”

  “Doctor, I can’t stay here. You need to let me go … today.”

  “I don’t recommend it. Even though you survived the accident, you’re still fragile. There’s no telling what would happen after you leave.”

  “I don’t have insurance. I don’t have money to pay for my hospital stay.”

  “It’s all taken care of.”

  A heavy feeling settles in my stomach. “By who?”

  “Mr. LaClaire instructed us to give you the best care possible.”

  My heart leaps only to crash again. “Lance was here?”

  “He left a while ago to get you a change of clothes. He should be back any moment. Get some rest. I’ll check on you again later.” Doctor Stevens steps out of the room.

  As soon as the door closes, I detach myself from the machine and slide my legs from the bed. On my feet, swaying a little, I grab onto the railing of the bed to catch my breath and find my balance. Even though I still feel the pain, the worst kind is in the center of my heart.

  It doesn’t take long for me to find my dirty clothes, hanging from the back of a chair. My handbag is nowhere to be seen.

  It’s a struggle to put them on when I feel as though I’m going to faint any second, but my will to walk out of this hospital gives me the strength I need to hold on.

  I have to be gone before Lance returns.

  My world is still spinning when I walk out the door, my head bowed so as not to make eye contact with anyone. I pretend to be just another visitor.

  It takes way too long for me to reach the front doors of the hospital and even more energy, but I make it. I’m panting and sweating as I push open the glass doors and exit.

  I walk as fast as my body allows me, distancing myself from Lance and his world. It’s over. I saw it in his eyes. I saw the hurt and the hate. He only came to the hospital because it’s what any normal person would do. I’m sure it didn’t mean a thing to him. If my worst enemy were involved in a car accident, I’d probably check up on them too.

  My fragile heart wouldn’t be able to handle it if Lance said goodbye to me for a second time.

  After walking for a while, I stop to catch my breath. I lean against the wall next to a closed restaurant. I can’t go on. I’m drained of energy, and the pain is increasing by the second.

  What was I thinking escaping from the hospital? Did I really think I could walk all the way to my apartment?

  Unable to stand any longer, I sink to the ground, eyes closed. It’s not long until someone taps me on the shoulder, asking if I’m all right. It’s an old woman wearing her salt and pepper hair in a braid that reminds me of Grace’s.

  “No,” I whisper. “I need a ride to my apartment.” Left with no other choice, I tell her about the car accident and that I can’t afford to return to the hospital as I have no insurance. She offers to give me a ride to my place, and I accept.

  It’s only when I’m inside the elevator headed for my floor when it hits me I could bump into Lance. What if he’s still inside my apartment? As soon as the elevator stops, I press number two, and it goes back down.

  On the verge of passing out, I stumble through the hallway until I reach Denise’s door. I ring the bell. Please let her be home.

  When the door is flung open, I’m too weak and in terrible pain to look up.

  “Jia, my God. Are you okay?” Denise drops to her knees in front of me. She’s the only one who can help me. Everyone else I could have turned to for help is connected to Lance. “Talk to me, sweetie.” She places a hand on my forehead.

  Spots dance in front of my eyes as I gaze up at her. “Please, help me.”

  21

  Lance

  “What do you mean she’s gone?” I slump against a nearby wall.

  “How does a patient simply disappear?” Grace sounds as if she’s talking to herself, not to the doctor. “Is she even out of the woods yet?”

  “She wanted to leave, but I recommended she stay longer. When a nurse checked on her a couple of minutes later, she was gone.” Doctor Stevens folds his arms across his chest. “Unfortunately, we can’t force patients to stay in the hospital against their wishes.”

  “Are you sure she’s out of the building?” I ask, clutching at straws. “She could be passed out in a bathroom, for all we know.”

  Doctor Stevens drops his hands to his side. “We searched everywhere.” He blows out a breath. “She took her belongings with her. I have no reason to believe she’s still here.”

  “We have to find her.” My hand holds onto the cane tighter.

  “If you do find her, please encourage her to return. She was shaken up after ...” He clears his throat and rubs his forehead.

  “After what?” I frown. “What the hell is going on?”

  “I’m not sure I should.”

  “She’s my fiancée, for God’s sake. If there’s something going on with her, I need to know so I can find a way to help her.”

  The door opens, and a nurse steps inside. “Doctor, there’s an emergency that requires your attention.”

  Doctor Stevens nods and glances at us. “I’m sorry, Mr. LaClaire. Other patients need me.”

  I grab his arm before he has a chance to get away. “What did you want to tell me?”

  The doctor looks down at my hand around his bicep. I loosen my grip and drop my hand. “I need to know, please.”

  “I told her that she lost the baby.”

  “The baby?” Both Grace and I ask in unison.

  “That was her reaction as well. I’m sorry; I have to go.” He leaves us alone, returning to the patients who actually want to be taken care of.

  “She’s out there,” I say. “She has no one.”

  “What do you want us to do?” Grace asks.

  “I have no bloody idea.” I want to hate Jia so much it physically hurts, but all I can think about is that she’s out there hurt and alone, and she had carried our baby. My thoughts of the baby are quickly wiped away by a tortured thought that clouds my mind. What if the child wasn’t mine?

  “Should we go back to her place? Maybe she’s back there.” Grace picks up the bag we’d brought for Jia, hoists it onto her shoulder.

  “No ... I don’t know.”

  “Lance, she needs us now. Let’s go and find her.”

  I grind my teeth for a while before answering. Then I look at my watch. “You know what? Go back to work.”

  “She was—is—my friend. I need to know she’s okay.”

  “I’ll keep you in the loop.”

  “I guess I should give you this, then.” She hands the bag to me. “In case you see her.”

  “Yeah. Thanks”

  Grace takes a few steps toward th
e door then turns. “I’m sorry, Lance, about the baby ... and everything.”

  “Thanks, Grace.”

  Ten minutes after Grace walks out, I’m still in the hospital room, standing next to the bed. I know I should go, but something inside of me is hesitating. It takes all my energy to kick myself into gear. Once I get going, I’m surprised at how quickly I get out of the hospital and into the car.

  “Take me back to Jia’s place,” I say to Dominick.

  By the time I catch my breath, I’m pushing the door to Jia’s apartment open. My heart tightens when I don’t find her there. Where the fuck is she? In spite of my anger and bruised ego, I start to be seriously worried about her well-being.

  I can barely keep it together when I call Bryant to let him know what had happened and ask for the advice he’s always so eager to dish out.

  “Grace told me everything. Did you find her?”

  “She’s not here in her apartment.” I glance up at the low ceiling.

  “Maybe you should call the cops. She could be hurt.”

  “Or she could have run off with her lover.”

  “Bro, you don’t know that for sure.”

  “You’re right.” I shake my head. “I don’t know a damn thing.”

  22

  Jia

  Piercing light floods the room. I pull the duvet over my head and shut my eyes.

  One side of the bed sinks as Denise sits down. “Sweetie, you should have something to eat.”

  “Not hungry,” I mumble.

  “You must be. You haven’t eaten anything substantial for three days.”

  “I did.”

  “Watery soup is not food.” She places a hand on my shoulder.

  I poke my head out. “I don’t think I can keep anything down. I want to sleep.” Since I rang Denise’s doorbell three days ago, I’ve barely left her guest room except to go to the bathroom across the hall. Sleeping is the only thing that helps me get through each day.

  When I’m awake, it’s impossible to keep images of Lance from creeping up in my mind. Knowing I’ll never see him again hurts like hell. Knowing I’ll never get to see the baby we made hurts even more.