Faith Hope and Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  The biggest problem for Quinn was that he couldn't see much beyond the next twenty-four hours. After six years of living day-to-day, hour-to-hour, looking beyond tomorrow was almost impossible.

  *****

  Resolved that her breakdown in the bathroom would be her last, Cassie left Renee's room. She had been spending far too much time crying lately. Somehow she needed to get control of her emotions and focus on what lay ahead.

  As she stepped into the hallway she spotted Renee climbing the stairs. Cassie paused, waiting for her sister-in-law to reach her.

  "I'm so sorry, Cass," Renee said. She gathered Cassie in a tight hug. "I don't know what's going through his mind."

  "It's okay, Renee." Their embrace ended and Cassie stepped back. "If this is what Quinn needs right now, I'm willing to go along with it."

  "How can you be so accepting? After all you've been through? I know your dream was to be a family again. This is just awful."

  "It's certainly not what I had hoped," Cassie agreed. "But the most important person in all of this is Quinn. None of us have gone through what he has. I can't even begin to comprehend what it must have been like. I don't like what he's decided but there's nothing I can do but pray."

  Renee stared at her, worry evident in her eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?"

  "I have to be okay, Renee. Not just for Quinn's sake but for Jani's as well. She seems to be accepting this better than I am."

  "Kids are resilient. I guess Jani is just happy to have her daddy near her for a change. Perhaps the questions will come later."

  "Perhaps." Cassie shrugged. "We'd better go down before they come looking for us."

  Renee gripped Cassie’s hand as she moved towards the stairs causing Cassie to pause. "I'm letting Quinn stay here, I hope that's okay with you. He asked and I figured it was better he stay here than somewhere else."

  "That's fine. I was pretty sure this was where he'd want to be."

  "I'll be praying for both of you. Especially that Quinn will come to his senses." Renee squeezed her hand before letting go.

  Downstairs they found Quinn in the den with Jani watching the video Renee had started. As Renee and Cassie walked into the room they both turned, Quinn with a wary look, Jani with a grin.

  "I need to go to the house," Cassie told them. "Jani, do you want to stay here with Daddy for a while? Maybe he can walk you home when it's time for bed, okay?"

  "Okay. Is Aunt Renee going to cook supper for us?"

  "I'll make sure you don't starve, kiddo," Renee told her. "I think we can find something to fill that tummy of yours."

  "Pizza is good," Jani said coyly, oblivious to the tension in the room.

  "I think I can probably arrange that."

  Cassie hugged Jani. "I'll see you later, sweetheart."

  "I need to get my bag out of the car," Quinn said as he stood.

  Cassie nodded and left the room. She sensed Quinn following behind her even though he said nothing.

  She grabbed her purse and keys from the table in the hallway and headed out to the car. She opened the hatch and stepped back so Quinn could get his bag.

  “I’ll bring Jani home in a little while,” Quinn said.

  Cassie slammed the hatch shut. “That will be fine. She usually starts to crash around eight.”

  “I won’t keep her out too late.”

  Awkward silence where there never had been before struck Cassie like a hammer. Was this the way it was going to be between them from now on?

  Cassie turned to go to the driver’s side of the SUV but a touch on her arm stopped her. She glanced down at the tanned hand before looking up to meet Quinn’s gaze. Briefly she saw a glimpse of something in his eyes, but it was gone so quickly she wondered if it had just been her imagination.

  Quinn dropped his hand from her arm. “Listen, I know this isn’t how you wanted things to be and I’m sorry for that. I just don’t know what to do about it. It doesn’t feel right to pick up our relationship where we left off when so much has changed. I’ve changed.”

  “So where does that leave us?” Cassie asked. “Are you saying there’s no hope?” Cassie pressed in a way she hadn’t dreamed she would but desperation led to desperate actions.

  Quinn looked away.

  Cassie stared at him, trying to see the man he’d once been. If only she could will him back. The outward changes in her husband were a true reflection of his inward changes. He was completely different.

  Finally he turned back to her, his brown eyes showing no expression. “I don’t know where it leaves us. For six years I’ve dared not imagine a future. Now that I can plan one, I don’t know how. I knew the man I was in the jungles of Colombia, but I don’t know who I am now that I’m back in familiar surroundings. I need time.”

  “For better or worse, Quinn, that’s what I pledged on our wedding day. Till death do us part. God saw fit to return you from your captives alive. I can only trust Him that it was for a reason.”

  Quinn gave a harsh laugh. “Trust God? I trusted Him and it got me almost six years as a hostage.”

  Cassie winced at the bitterness lacing his words. She quietly reminded him, “Job trusted him and though he lost much, he gained more.”

  “I’m not going to debate with you,” Quinn responded, his hand slashing through the air. “You don’t know what I suffered in that jungle. God left me there to suffer. I desired to serve Him all my life and in return He allowed me to suffer in a way no human should ever have to.”

  The bitterness Cassie had heard in his words before had been replaced by anger. An anger so unfamiliar to her. She had never heard Quinn speak in such a tone before.

  As she stood looking at the stranger she was married to, Cassie felt a helplessness fill her heart. There was nothing she could say to pierce the wall around Quinn’s heart. God, and God alone, would be able to work in her husband.

  Cassie wondered how long it would take. She had waited so long already.

  Before Cassie could say anything Quinn looked towards the house. “I’ll bring Jani home in a little while.”

  Accepting that their conversation was over, Cassie nodded. “I’ll see you later.”

  She climbed into the SUV and backed out of Renee’s driveway. As she drove away Cassie glanced in the rear view mirror and saw Quinn still standing where she’d left him. She turned the corner onto her street and he disappeared from sight. Cassie wondered what was going on in his mind. She didn’t even have a clue.

  The house was strangely quiet when Cassie let herself in. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the sign Renee and Jani had made and hung on the wall of the dining room. “Welcome Home, Daddy” was spelled out in big pink letters, Jani’s favorite color.

  Quinn should have been walking through the door with her. The three of them should have been spending their first evening in their home as a family. Instead, she was alone.

  Cassie stared at the sign for several minutes trying to decide if she should take it down or not. Finally she decided that for Jani’s sake she would leave it up. Quinn needed reminding of the fact they were a family and that his decision was disrupting that.

  Turning, Cassie left and went to Jani’s room to put her bag there. Over the next hour she unpacked bags and watered plants. Some of the plants weren’t too bad so Renee had at least made an attempt to take care of them while Cassie had been gone. Cassie tossed out the ones that were beyond redemption and talked softly to the ones that still showed some signs of life.

  With uplifting Gospel music playing in the background, Cassie began to relax. Working with the plants was soothing, even comforting. She sang softly as she worked, finding solace in the words of encouragement the songs gave.

  With her plants taken care of, Cassie turned to the blinking light on the answering machine. She really didn’t want to hear the messages there but knew she had to deal with them sooner or later. She grabbed a pen and paper out of a drawer and sat down on one of the stools at the counter by answering ma
chine.

  With a sigh she pushed the button to rewind and play messages. As each message played she made a note of it. Some were expected. Her pastor, her neighbor, Cecily. Some unexpected. Cassie wondered how the reporters had gotten hold of her phone number. It had been unlisted for several years now. She wrote down the information for the reporters, and then drew a line through each of their names. Come Monday morning she was getting her number changed. Wouldn’t some of those reporters just love to get their hands on the latest twist in her little saga?

  Cassie slid off the stool and stood looking at the list in her hand. She knew she needed to return the calls, especially her pastor and Cecily’s. They were the ones she had confided in the most over the past six years. They had been there through the ups and downs. On more than one occasion they had encouraged her to stay strong when the news from South America had been less than encouraging.

  But Cassie couldn’t deal with their questions about the situation when she herself didn’t know where things were going. She needed a few days to see how the situation with Quinn unfolded, then she’d call them.

  *****

  Quinn arrived at seven-thirty on the dot with Jani.

  "Hi, Mama!" Jani greeted her with a big smile. "We had pizza for supper."

  "Again? Leftovers?” Cassie asked as she took the container Jani held out.

  “For you. Auntie said you probably wouldn’t have eaten,” Jani explained. “Have you?”

  “Nope, I’ve been busy unpacking and trying to revive my plants.” Cassie laid a hand on Jani’s head. “Time to get ready for bed, kiddo.”

  “Will Daddy still be here when I go to bed?”

  Cassie looked at Quinn.

  “Yep, I’ll hang around until you’re in bed.”

  “Okay,” Jani said. “I’ll go get ready.”

  “Don’t forget to brush your teeth,” Cassie reminded her as Jani disappeared up the stairs.

  Quinn moved to stand in front of the sign Jani had made. “She did a good job.”

  “Yes, she’s pretty good at drawing. Better than I’ve ever been. Must have gotten that from you.”

  “I haven’t drawn anything in years. I’ve probably forgotten how.”

  “I doubt it,” Cassie said. “There are some things you just don’t forget how to do.”

  Quinn nodded slightly. “Maybe I’ll give it a try again.”

  “You can have the sign if you want. Jani made it for you.”

  “I think I’ll leave it up here for a little while.” He turned to look at her. “If that’s okay with you.”

  “It’s fine. I’m used to having Jani’s work all over the house.” Cassie put the container of pizza into the fridge, and then went to lean against the counter. Her hands rested, fingers laced, on the smooth countertop. “How is Renee?”

  “She’s fine. Funny it seems she hasn’t changed at all in the six years I’ve been gone.”

  Cassie laughed softly. “Don’t tell Renee that. She thinks she’s matured. And to be honest, she has. At least she’s not dating every bad boy that comes along. It appears she’s outgrown that tendency.”

  “That’s good to know. I’d hate to have to beat off guys so soon after my arrival home.”

  “Well, you’ll still have to practice because Jani is growing up so fast. The boys will be knocking on our door before you know it.”

  Quinn shook his head. “I don’t want to think about that just yet. Give me a few years. I’m still getting used to the idea of actually having a daughter. Don’t bring boys into the picture just yet.”

  “I’m done!” Jani’s arrival in the kitchen interrupted their conversation.

  “Let me smell your breath.” Cassie motioned for Jani to come to her.

  “Aw, Mama, I brushed. I promise.”

  “How about we let your dad do the breath check this time?”

  “Okay!” Jani skipped over to Quinn and motioned him down. She blew into his face and then grinned. “See I told you I brushed my teeth.”

  “Smells like mint,” Quinn agreed.

  “Good enough for me,” Cassie said. “Let’s head upstairs.”

  Jani grabbed Quinn’s hand. “Let’s go, Daddy!”

  Cassie followed the duo up the stairs and into Jani’s room. Quinn looked out of place in the frilly pink room. Jani’s favorite toy, Barbie, was evident in every corner of the room.

  Cassie suppressed a laugh when she saw the expression on Quinn’s face. It seemed the fact he had a daughter and not a son was just really sinking in. There were no toy trucks or footballs for this little girl. She was a girly girl right down to her ruffled socks.

  Jani climbed up onto her bed and slid between the Barbie sheets. “I want two stories tonight, Mama.”

  Cassie nodded and pulled the Bible storybook as well as her favorite book from the shelf next to her bed. She knelt beside the bed and felt Quinn do the same. Jani was learning to read so she enjoyed helping out with the easy words.

  When the stories were read, it was time for prayers. Jani very seriously clasped her hands and bowed her head. “Thank you God, for bringing Daddy home. Be with him as he stays at Aunt Renee’s. And be with Aunt Renee too. Help me to have no bad dreams tonight. Help me to be a good girl. And please give me a baby sister or brother now that Daddy is home. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

  Cassie didn’t look at Quinn as she tucked Jani in. Her daughter’s simple request seemed very out of reach right then. It may well be a prayer that would never be answered with a yes. She brushed Jani’s bangs aside and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Goodnight, sweetheart. See you in the morning.”

  “Love you, Mama.”

  “You too, sweetie.” Cassie moved aside so Quinn could kiss his daughter good night as well.

  Jani’s eyelids were already drooping as they left the room. Cassie turned off the light and pulled the door almost shut, just leaving a few inches of space so light from the hall could shine in.

  Downstairs the silence was strained. Cassie knew she had to address Jani’s prayer and she hoped she could do it without crying. It hadn’t just been Jani’s prayer all these years. Cassie had hoped as much as her daughter to add more children to their family.

  “About Jani’s prayer...” Cassie began, struggling for words. “She’s been wanting a baby brother or sister for a long time. I told her we had to wait for you to get home. I guess that was a mistake.” Cassie ignored the pain that shot through her. “I’ll talk to her about it.”

  Quinn shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and stared at the carpet. “I’m sorry to disappoint her.”

  And what about me? Cassie longed to ask. Wasn’t he sorry to disappoint her too? Because while Jani was the one to have voiced the request, it was one Cassie had harbored in her heart for a long time too.

  “She probably won’t understand, but she’ll accept it. She doesn’t have a choice.” Cassie knew she was being blunt but it seemed better than beating around the bush.

  Quinn didn’t say anything but continued to stand, head bent. Cassie wished she could read his mind.

  “Are you going to go for counseling?” Cassie asked even though she figured she knew the answer.

  Quinn shrugged. “I’ll see. Right now I want to focus on getting other aspects of my life back on track. I need to get my finances straightened out. Get my license. I need to spend time with Mom and with Jani.”

  Cassie wasn’t oblivious to the fact that she was omitted from the list of people he wanted to be with. It hurt her right down to her very core. Suddenly she was filled with a desperate need for his love and attention. And an overwhelming fear that she would never have it again in her life, that she would go to her grave never knowing what it was like to be held and loved by the man she’d given her heart to.

  “I’d better go. Can I come by in the morning to see Jani?”

  “Of course. I’d never keep her from you, Quinn. You’re welcome to see her whenever you want.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate t
hat. We have so much to catch up on.”

  Cassie walked with him to the door. Pain clenched her heart as she watched him open the door to leave. He shouldn’t be leaving. He should be staying there with her and Jani. They were a family.

  “Does it have to be this way, Quinn? You can stay in the guest bedroom. You don’t have to stay with Renee.” Cassie couldn’t seem to control the words that tumbled from her lips. Pain forced her to try once more to get him to change his mind.

  Quinn stepped out onto the porch and turned to look at her. Darkness shadowed his face so Cassie couldn’t see his expression but she knew he was going to leave.

  He lifted his hand and gently touched her cheek with his fingertips. “Cassie, I don’t want to hurt you but if I stayed here I would hurt you even more than I already am. It’s better this way. I’m sorry.”

  Quinn’s hand dropped to his side and after a brief pause he turned and walked off the porch. Cassie stood in the opening of the door watching him as he walked down the sidewalk towards Renee’s house. He never looked back.

  Cassie slowly closed the door, locked it and then leaned her forehead against it. How long would it take for the pain to not overwhelm her every time he walked out her front door? How long before the state of their marriage wasn’t a part of every conversation? Would things ever be “normal”? If only she could figure out what normal was supposed to be in this situation.

  *****

  The light from the streetlights flickered through the leaves on the branches above the sidewalk as Quinn walked slowly away from Cassie's house. The pleasure of just being able to walk was overshadowed by his conversation with Cassie.

  He realized tonight just how much his decision was affecting her and even Jani, though she wasn't as aware of it. Quinn wished he could make things the way Cassie wanted. But he knew he couldn't even stay in the same house with her because the expectations would be there. The expectations that they would once again be the couple they were before he was kidnapped. And Quinn knew that wasn't going to happen. Too much had changed.

  He turned onto the sidewalk that led to Renee's front door. Not wanting to go in right away, Quinn took the path around the side of the house to the back yard. The old porch swing from years ago still hung there and he sank down onto it feeling as if centuries had passed since he'd last used it instead of just a few years. He and Cassie had spent many evenings on the swing talking and planning their future. It had been a favorite spot of theirs.