This Very Moment

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  Kylee put her arm on his shoulder. “You love him a great deal, and love like that can make up for everything else.”

  There was a heavy silence as he fought to keep his emotions under control. “Thank you for saying that. And thank you for helping Jeff. It means more to me than—” He broke off and wiped at his eyes with thick weathered fingers.

  She was relieved when a vehicle drove up behind her. Relieved because she didn’t have the money yet to help Jeffery, and she felt Mr. Rivers’ gratitude was premature. What if in the end she couldn’t help Jeffery?

  Stop it, she told herself. Where is your confidence? You will find the money even if you have to knock on every door in this valley. You’ll do it on your knees, if you have to.

  Her thoughts broke off as she saw Bill spring out of a dark green Blazer. The sight of his handsome face was so comforting that for a moment she wanted to throw her arms about him.

  Of course, she didn’t. Why open herself to further rejection?

  “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  “I need to talk with you.”

  “How’d you find me?”

  “I went to the Craniofacial Center. They said you were . . . does it matter?” He looked pointedly at Mr. Rivers. “Can we talk?”

  “I guess I could help Jeffery find the ball.” Mr. Rivers glanced back and forth between them with obvious relish.

  Kylee laughed at his expression. “Yes, please do that.”

  When he had left, Bill reached for her hand. She let him take it but kept her muscles limp and unresponsive. She felt emotionally exhausted and wondered if she could take any more surprises.

  “You were right, Kylee,” Bill told her. “About all of it. I know I should help, but I . . .”

  Kylee stared.

  “I feel bad for leaving you that day.” He squeezed her hand. “I’m not what you want me to be, but I’m willing to work on it. Your . . . uh, friendship means a lot to me.”

  Kylee could tell the words cost him. “What do you mean, ‘work on it’?” she asked, fighting to suppress the budding hope in her chest.

  Agony and indecision radiated from his face. “I want to be here for you. I love spending time with you. I just don’t know that I . . .” He stopped.

  He still wasn’t saying what Kylee wanted hear, but it was enough at that moment. “Okay,” she said. “Let’s go back to how we were before.” That had been better than nothing.

  He smiled, though he didn’t look completely pleased. What did he want anyway? Maybe he didn’t know himself. She had the urge to move into his arms and kiss him, but maybe it was best not to drag up that issue again.

  The 60 Minutes van pulled up behind Bill’s Blazer. “Oh, good,” Kylee said. “They’re here.”

  “For what?”

  “To film Jeffery. He’s the next little boy I’m going to help.” As people piled from the van, she began introducing Bill, who nodded politely.

  “Yeah, we met at the Center,” Deedra said. “When he came looking for you.”

  “I found it! I found it!” Jeffery burst out of the house, wearing a worn sweatshirt and carrying a ball in a large battered baseball glove. His lopsided half-smile faded as he saw all the new people.

  “We were going to play ball,” Kylee explained.

  “Good idea,” Deedra said, straightening her jacket. “We’ll film you. It’ll make a great shot. Then we’ll go inside and talk.” She glanced at the small house with a frown. “I hope our equipment fits. Well, we’ll make it work. We’ve done it before.” She smiled at Jeffrey. “Why don’t you warm up a bit, and in a minute we’ll film you. I bet you can throw that ball really far.”

  To her surprise, Deedra’s face showed a compassion Kylee had not suspected. I was wrong about her, she thought. Deedra does care. Maybe that’s why she’s so willing to help. Perhaps her preoccupation with her job is a pretence.

  As Deedra strode off purposefully to speak with her crew, Kylee turned to introduce Jeffery to Bill. “This is—is . . .” Her words stumbled as she saw how pale and drawn Bill had become. “Are you okay, Bill? You look like you need to sit down. Bill, what’s wrong?”

  Bill said nothing. He didn’t look her way but stood motionless, staring at Jeffery for a long silent minute. Jeffery shifted uncomfortably and glanced around, apparently searching for something. “Gran’pa?” he asked in a frightened voice.

  Kylee placed a steadying hand on his shoulder. “It’s all right, Jeffery. I think Dr. Dubrey isn’t feeling well. Bill, would you like me to take you to your doctor or to the hospital? You’re scaring me.”

  * * * * *

  Bill heard Kylee talking, but didn’t understand what she said. He couldn’t take his eyes from Jeffery. “He was burned,” he said with difficulty. Burned like Nicole had been burned.

  “He can be helped.” Kylee met his gaze. Was it just him or did her eyes seem pleading?

  He looked away from her and back at Jeffery, who shifted nervously.

  Bill had come to find Kylee to ask her to forgive him, and maybe even to offer to help her with Anna, if that was the only way she would have him. But not this burned child. Never. The only thing he saw when he looked at this boy was the train. He could hear the terrible screams.

  There was nothing he could do. Why had he even come? Bill wished the earth would open and swallow him, putting an end to his misery.

  Kylee didn’t back down. “You couldn’t help Nicole, but Jeffery here, he needs you.”

  How had she guessed?

  Bill swallowed slowly, feeling faint, unable to do anything but stare at Jeffery and the superimposed image of Nicole. There was nowhere to run or hide, which was just as well since his legs couldn’t move.

  A brief cry came from the back of Jeffery’s throat, a feral sound of fear and anguish. All at once Bill’s vision cleared and he saw a helpless child cringing under his gaze, one thin hand held against his scarred cheek as though trying to hide his deformity.

  He’s only a little boy.

  Compassion vied with the hurt inside Bill’s heart. He fought to stem his torment so that he could do something—anything—to help Jeffery. It wasn’t the child’s fault he’d been burned, nor that his appearance brought such painful memories. Bill swallowed twice more, feeling the dryness more acutely in his throat.

  Ashes.

  Say something, he told himself. His heart pounded mercilessly.

  He opened his mouth and was almost surprised when words actually emerged. “Hi, Jeffery. I’m Dr. Dubrey.” Unsteadily, he offered his hand to the child. “I’m sorry if I startled you. You reminded me of someone I once knew. I miss her a lot.”

  Jeffery relaxed slightly, and Bill’s racing heart began to ease. He studied Jeffery’s face, seeing that there was much he could do for the boy. His fingers tingled.

  Maybe I can do this. Taking a deep breath, he said, “I’m hoping to be your doctor, if that’s okay with you.” There, that wasn’t so hard. Bill blinked furiously to stop the tears welling in his eyes.

  Jeffery smiled gratefully, though he still appeared hesitant and uncertain. Kylee made a glad noise, but Bill didn’t dare look at her. His emotions were too close to the surface. He pointed to the tattered mitt dangling from the boy’s hand. “Nice glove there. Was that your Grandpa’s?”

  Jeffery nodded, the scarred face turning bleak. “And my dad’s when he was boy. It’s mine now. It only got burned a little.” He showed Bill where a dark spot marred the tan leather.

  “I bet it still catches good,” Bill said, holding his hand out for the ball. “Let’s try it.” Jeffery took off into the deserted street, raising his gloved hand to catch Bill’s throw.

  * * * * *

  They finished at the Rivers’ and drove their separate cars to McDonald’s for a late lunch. Bill felt nervous, but there was no place he would rather be at that moment than with Kylee.

  “I thought for a moment you were going to faint.” Her words were light, but there was an underlying ser
iousness.

  He put a french fry into his mouth, a wry smile on his lips. “I almost did. You know those comics where the person gets hit in the head and sees stars? Well, that was me, standing there with all the stars swirling around my head.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.” He laughed, and Kylee laughed with him.

  After a while Kylee’s face returned to seriousness. “So what happened back there?”

  “A long time ago I wanted to help children like Anna and Jeffery, but then Nicole . . .” He shook his head, not wanting to explain the feelings that were still so raw. “Never mind, I’d rather not talk about that right now. What’s important is that I can do some of the surgeries, and I won’t charge a thing, except where other specialists are involved. Maybe I can get them to donate time as well, and maybe some of the supply companies would be willing to pitch in.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me.” Bill knew he was only doing what he should have volunteered to do in the first place.

  “So when do we do the surgery?” she asked between sips of her drink. “How much money will we need to begin with Jeffery?”

  “I can cover the expenses this time.”

  She frowned. “If you are in this for the long haul—as I hope you are—then we need to pay as we go. If you foot the bill for the other doctors and hospital fees involved, you’ll soon go bankrupt—especially if you cut down on your regular practice.”

  “Agreed, but I can cover Jeffery’s case. He’ll need a hearing and breathing specialist, but several of the doctors in the Plaza owe me favors. I did free cosmetic surgery years back for some of their wives. There’s a burn department too, and one of the new guys is fairly good. I’m sure I could convince him to assist. He’s the sort who would like to be involved. You know, an idealist like you.” He raised his hands hastily. “No offense. When we’re through Jeff may not look completely normal, but he’ll look and feel a lot better than he does now.”

  Bill had not helped many burn patients lately, but over the years, he had continued to read and study everything about the subject, as if doing so would somehow alleviate his guilt for not saving Nicole.

  Kylee put her hand on his. “I don’t think you can understand how much this means to me.”

  “Oh, I think I might.” He watched her take a bite of hamburger.

  “What?” she asked, meeting his stare.

  I think I love you, he thought. Aloud he said, “I meant what I said about being sorry for leaving you the other night.”

  She swallowed the food in her mouth. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

  “Even when you were right?” He knew his voice was slightly bitter. “What must you have thought of me?”

  “I don’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but I want to. Can you tell me? I mean, we’re friends, right?”

  Bill suddenly wished they were alone instead of in a crowded restaurant. He longed to take her into his arms as he had wanted to do from the moment he had arrived at Jeffery’s. He wanted to tell her that he had discovered during the past week how much he loved her, that his life meant nothing without her by his side. But did he have the right to say these things when he still yearned for Nicole? Did he have the right when he couldn’t even tell her how seeing Jeffery had affected him? Why couldn’t he make sense of it all?

  There was another fear, so close to the surface that it nearly blotted out all rational thought. The fear that he would win Kylee only to lose her. He couldn’t go through that again. He simply couldn’t.

  Kylee began gathering the remains of the lunch. “Come on, let’s go.”

  “Can you take a drive with me?” Bill asked, daring to hope.

  “Sure.”

  They left her car at the restaurant, and he drove once more to the observatory at Griffith Park. The sun was still high and the city of Los Angeles had not yet dressed up in her evening lights.

  “Here again?” Kylee asked. “This was where we came on the night of your award banquet.”

  “Yes.” The night you told me about Emily. “It loses a lot of its appeal during the day, but it’s habit for me to come here.”

  Kylee settled back in her seat. “Don’t you need to go to work or something?”

  “I got someone to cover for me. I’ll have to work overtime to catch up, but it’s worth it.”

  In the confinement of his Blazer, Bill could smell her perfume. As one, they turned and faced each other. “Tell me,” she urged softly. “Is this about Jeffery and why you changed your mind?”

  Bill swallowed his fear and spoke from his heart. “No, it’s about us. You see, I . . . I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. If I’m going to, then I don’t want . . . I mean . . .”

  “I’m not going anywhere.” Her voice was gentle.

  He closed his eyes. “Neither was Nicole.”

  Kylee took his hands and held them until he looked at her. He saw she was crying. “Don’t,” he said.

  “I’m not Nicole, and I know I can never replace her in your life. But what we have is real. I’m crazy about you.”

  “I don’t want you to be Nicole. She’s gone forever.”

  “I don’t believe that. God has a plan. I think we’ll see her again in heaven, don’t you?”

  “No, I don’t.” He couldn’t understand why she insisted on bringing God into their relationship. “Nicole is gone, so what she wants doesn’t matter. That’s what I believe. Yet for some stupid reason I feel unfaithful, and now I’m afraid both of losing you and keeping you.”

  Kylee groaned. “You’re not making sense.”

  Her closeness tempted Bill to forget about conversation, but he knew he had to tell her how he felt, or at least some of it. “I know I’m not making sense. What I’m trying to say is if we continue with this relationship and all goes well, then we’ll be together for longer than I even knew Nicole. You’ll mean more to me than she did.” He trembled as she touched his face, her fingers coming away wet. Funny, he hadn’t noticed his own tears. “I know it seems silly,” he continued, “but I feel as though I’m betraying her.”

  “She loved us both. She would want us to be happy—wherever that may lead us.”

  He hugged her. “I want to believe that. I really do.”

  She kissed him then, and all his barriers cracked.

  “I think I’m falling in love with you,” he whispered against her lips.

  “Good, ’cause I sort of feel the same way.”

  Bill kissed her with increasing emotion and her warm lips answered back. His body felt hot inside his jacket, despite the cool breeze coming through his partially open window. They sat holding each other and overlooking L.A. for a long time, lost in the newness of their love.

  Then Kylee shivered. “Could you roll up your window? It’s getting chilly.”

  He laughed, rubbing her arms, still clad in her jacket. “And I thought you were from Minnesota. Don’t they have lots of snow?”

  “I may have grown up there, but now I always go somewhere warm during the winter. Why do you think I’m in California?”

  Her words brought a lot of other questions to mind. Like where she planned on going next, and where that would leave their relationship. He couldn’t make her stay. She said she loves me, he thought, fighting his growing panic. I can’t have faith in her God, but I can have faith in her. Besides, she needs me for the children.

  Bill knew this last thought did her an injustice, but it made him feel remarkably better. He kissed her again deeply. She clung to him, and a tenderness he had thought long dead encompassed his entire body. What was that feeling? Love? No, something greater. Maybe I’m insane. He shrugged the feeling aside as she drew away.

  “So what now?” she asked.

  Bill knew she was asking about their future but he chose to misunderstand, to give himself more time. “I guess I should check in at work. I’d like to see when we can get Jeffery in. If we work fast, m
aybe we can do it so we can have the bandages off for Christmas. Those from his first surgery, that is. I’ll know more when I’ve examined him.”

  Gratitude glowed in her eyes, and Bill was glad that he had finally found the strength to do what she needed, what they both needed. Nicole would be proud.

  He took Kylee back to McDonald’s and reluctantly watched her drive away. The fear of losing her returned, but it was smaller now, overshadowed by love.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Kylee’s mind reeled with the events of the day. So much had gone wrong, but then so much else had gone right. She felt blessed and protected. And Bill loves me! She had a feeling that the going wouldn’t be easy, but she wouldn’t give up on him. Years ago he had believed in God. He had been free of bitterness and pain. He could be so again. If only he would pray, she thought. Then he would feel the Lord’s presence and His love.

  She went into her own room and knelt by her bed, resting her arms on the blankets. Her thankfulness poured out to the Lord. Sometimes enduring to the end was all she could do, but by answering her need to help the children, the Lord had shown her how much He cared about her individual situation. With His support, she would continue.

  When she arose from her knees, she felt refreshed and content. There were still problems, but now with Bill entering the battle, her burden was lighter. She looked happily around the apartment. A stack of paperwork awaited her attention on the desk in her room, but she had other plans.

  “I know exactly what this place is missing.”

  In her hall closet she found the three large boxes, worn now with years of being hauled around to different cities or storage sheds when she went overseas. On the boxes she had scrawled CHRISTMAS in red marker.

  Next, she pulled out her tree from under the bed and also a box of ornaments. After the pieces were put together, the tree was shorter and thinner than she thought a tree should be, but the ornaments made it look nicer. She had to tape three more of the sagging tree branches so they would poke out right, but that was nothing new. She had bought the now-dilapidated thing in college and couldn’t bear to throw it away. Every year she taped a few more branches into place. This year she had planned to buy a new one, but now she needed to save all the money she could until she could afford to pay herself a small salary.