Lost & Found

by Nicole Williams

  That’s why I didn’t just lay it all out there. Because people could respond to my gut spilling with amusement.

  I moved my hand from Jesse’s. “I’m not going to answer that until you answer my question. Why haven’t you asked her out?”

  “I’ve tried, but she’s kind of dodged the idea,” he said, cracking his neck. “She’s been avoiding me.”

  “You had the attention of every female in attendance tonight, and you expect me to believe this girl is avoiding you?” I said, letting my sarcasm loose. “Who would avoid you?”

  When Jesse’s eyes slid back to mine, with a look in them that would have dropped me if I hadn’t been sitting, I knew. And then I realized how dense I was at times.

  “Don’t answer that,” I said, unsure if I should scoot closer or as far away from him as I could. I was torn. Half of me wanted to follow that desire I had for him, and the other half wanted me to stay away from him because I knew I’d eventually do what I did best and make a huge mess of things.

  “Why not?” he said, making the decision for me and scooting closer. “Why don’t you want to know that I like you, Rowen? Why don’t you want me to tell you I’m so damn attracted to you, I almost don’t trust myself to be alone with you like we are right now? Why don’t you want to know that I care about you so much, I wanted to rip Garth Black’s throat out tonight for saying those things?” Jesse paused just long enough to take a breath. “Why?”

  I wasn’t living my life right now. This wasn’t Rowen Sterling’s life. Guys like Jesse didn’t say those kinds of things to me. They didn’t look at me the way he was now. No guy said or felt those kinds of things for me, because I wasn’t the kind of girl who deserved to be adored. Or cherished. Or whatever it was that Jesse was expressing.

  I wanted to be that girl that deserved the way he was looking at me. I wanted to be that girl that deserved him . . . but I wasn’t that girl. Not yet. Maybe never. I wasn’t sure. Willow Springs brought something out in me, almost like it was drawing out the poison inside of me and filling in the empty places with purpose. It was too early to be sure, but something was happening. Something big.

  I couldn’t look away from him even when I tried. “Jesse, why do you like me?” It made no sense to me. None at all.

  His hand settled along my jawline. Slowly lifting my head until I looked straight at him, his eyes blazed. “Why do you think I shouldn’t?”

  That question rocked my world. Or upended it, more accurately. I had the first part of the answer to his question: I didn’t deserve him. But the second part, the why I didn’t deserve him, I came up empty on. Since I knew he was waiting for an answer, I’d just have to give him the best one I had.

  “For a whole bunch of reasons—”

  “That aren’t valid,” he interrupted, shaking his head.

  “They’re valid to me,” I shot back, knowing I needed to put some space between us. So what did I do? I pressed my cheek harder into his large hand.

  “They aren’t to me, and if you don’t mind picking this conversation up later on, there’s something I’ve really been wanting to do.” His voice went lower, even a bit rougher.

  “What’s that?” I asked needlessly. What he wanted to do was pretty obvious from the desire in his eyes as he studied my mouth.

  Jesse scooted closer. So close, more of my body touched some part of his than didn’t. His hand framing my face slid back around to my neck. His thumb skimmed the skin just under the collar of my shirt, causing my skin to erupt in goosebumps. Jesse’s touch was powerful stuff, I’d known that from the first day I’d shook hands with him, but having his hands touch and caress me in gentle, intimate ways made the power of his touch difficult to bear.

  His other hand went to the small of my back right before his head tilted and he closed the last few inches of space between us. A smile was still on his lips when his mouth pressed into mine. It was so damn tender and gentle, I would have turned into a pile of mush if I was capable of it. Then, as quickly as it had dropped to mine, his mouth drifted away.

  I could have cried from the separation.

  “That’s what,” he whispered against my lips.

  That was a good answer. Both the verbal and nonverbal.

  “That’s all?” I said with just enough inflection.

  “No.” He pressed closer to me. “No, that’s not all.”

  When his mouth covered mine again, it wasn’t so still and soft. It may have started out that way for the shortest moment, but before my eyes closed, Jesse’s lips polished and sucked at mine like nothing I’d yet experienced. In addition to his other forms of divinity, the man was a kissing God.

  His hand on my neck kneaded the muscles at the base of it as his thumb continued to skim lazy lines just under my collar. The hand on my lower back, remarkably, stayed where it was. Instead of grabbing the hem of my shirt to tug it over my head, instead of skimming under in search of my chest, his hand stayed in place. Holding onto me like I grounded him. Or like he grounded me. With the way he was kissing me, I couldn’t be sure.

  It was positively the best kiss I’d ever had the privilege of being on the other end of, but my body craved more. My inner thighs were squeezed so tightly together, they started to tremble, and I knew the rest of my body wasn’t far behind.

  I rose in place and shifted until I swung my leg over Jesse’s lap. When I lowered myself over him, his grip tightened and his breathing picked up. Never, in even my most fantastical dreams, had I ever had the courage to imagine that one day I’d straddle Jesse Walker while we kissed like it was the only thing keeping us alive. Never once. Yet here I was. Living it.

  When Jesse’s lips dropped to my neck, I tilted my head back and pressed harder against him. I didn’t stop pressing closer until I felt his chest thumping hard against mine. I didn’t stop until I felt his breathing pick up yet again. I didn’t stop until he was fitted so hard between my legs I knew if I were to slide up or down, I’d come undone instantly.

  So instead, I ran my hands up his wide arms and didn’t stop until they were combing and tugging through his hair. What I wanted to touch more, his hair or his body, had been a toss-up before. After doing both, I could confidently say neither had let me down. The debate was still out on which I preferred to touch though.

  Moving my hands down the base of his neck, I continued toward the center of his back, tracing the deep seam that ran into his shorts. Jesse sighed against my neck when my hands repeated the motion. I didn’t know how he could sigh because I was one slide away from screaming out. Waking the house would be a really bad thing. For them and for us.

  As soon as Jesse’s lips left my neck, my hands clutched the hem of my shirt and started sliding it up my stomach. I appreciated the whole gentleman thing he was keeping with, but the clothing was really starting to get in the way of things.

  “Whoa,” Jesse said suddenly, his voice strained. “Easy, tiger. I’m about to go into cardiac arrest with your shirt on.” Jesse’s hands fitted over mine and moved them back down into my lap, shifting the shirt down at the same time. “Let’s leave it where it is, okay?”

  If I woke up tomorrow speaking a different language, I don’t think I would have been more confused. “You don’t want to go any farther?” My voice was just as breathless as his. “You just want to kiss?” Surely I was misunderstanding something. As good as the kissing was, and believe me, it was the kind of thing people wrote songs about, even I wanted to go farther. My body felt like it needed to. It was programmed to do so.

  “Well, I’d like to go farther, one day, but right now, I’m pretty damn happy just kissing you.” Jesse’s grin reappeared right before he pressed a soft kiss into my lips. “Although I wouldn’t say we’re ‘just kissing.’” Another soft kiss, slightly longer. “Would you?”

  I shivered in his arms. “Whatever we’re doing, Jesse,” I said, still tasting him on my lips, “whatever this is . . . it’s definitely not ‘just kissing.’”

  When his mouth
covered mine again, it stayed there. When our mouths opened at the same time, my tongue touched his, and I realized there was nothing better than what we were doing. We were exploring each other, bit by tiny bit, and we were enjoying each and every touch and moment. It wasn’t what I was used to, not even close, but as our mouths, hands, and bodies tangled together, it seemed I was getting used to something new.

  When I let myself just enjoy the moment and get over anticipating the next thing, I found “just” kissing a rather pleasurable experience. Especially when Jesse was doing the kissing. I’d kissed a lot of guys, but his kisses were a whole different thing. In fact, just kissing Jesse was more intimate than any sex I’d had with someone else. If I added all of those encounters up, their total wouldn’t have even come close to the intimacy I felt with Jesse’s mouth on mine. I’d never known a guy happy to just kiss and hold me close to him. Not since I was in the sixth grade.

  Then again, I’d never known Jesse Walker until that summer.

  Jesse must have slipped out of my bed and either back up the side of the chimney or out my bedroom door sometime before I woke up. It was a good thing he had, too, because a rapping on the other side of my door woke me up, followed by the youngest Walker bursting into my room before I invited her. Clementine, though, was always invited. Just as long as her big brother wasn’t sleeping next to me.

  “Mornin’, Rowen!” she greeted, skipping into the room with her braids bouncing up and down. She saw I was still in bed and sleepy eyed. “Were you still asleep?”

  I nodded and yawned. “Yep. I didn’t sleep very well last night.” After the night I’d had with Jesse, I didn’t care how little sleep I got or how tired I was. Last night was worth it. After making out to the point both our lips and hands were practically rubbed raw, he nestled beside me in bed, wrapped those strong arms around me, and we fell asleep together. Fully clothed. Even though we didn’t have sex, I’d never fallen asleep more satisfied and content in my whole life.

  “You’ve got a silly smile on your face,” Clementine said, giggling as she pointed at me.

  I was still smiling. That’s how great last night had been.

  “Did you need something, squirt? Or were you just making sure I was awake?” I threw the covers off and headed for the dresser. I was about to open the first drawer when I remembered my dilemma from last night: I didn’t have any clean clothes.

  That would make today challenging, if not impossible. I couldn’t very well whisk about the kitchen and the chicken coop in nothing but a white, oversized tee.

  “Could I borrow that pretty purple scarf you wore last night?” she asked, coming up beside me and grabbing my hand. “Purple is the color of royalty, so if I’m wearing purple, everyone will know to bow when I walk by.”

  The purple scarf was perhaps the only thing clean in my room. I grabbed it off the dresser and kneeled down beside Clementine. “Of course you can borrow it,” I said, winding it around her neck. “And if anyone doesn’t bow when you walk by, just wave your flamingo croquet mallet and say, ‘Off with his head.’”

  Clementine’s face squished up on one side. The kid had no idea what I was talking about. She knew fairy tale princesses, but not Alice in Wonderland. I’d been the other way around at her age. Finally, she giggled again when I tickled her neck after tying the scarf into a pretty bow.

  “You’re weird, Rowen,” she said, smiling up at me.

  “Believe me. I know.” I patted her head, turned her around, and led her toward the door. I couldn’t solve my no-clean-clothing situation with a little girl bouncing around the room. “You know what? That scarf looks so good on you, I’m giving it to you. Okay?”

  “What? Really?” If a seven-year-old could look more thrilled, I hadn’t seen it.

  “Really, really,” I said as we got to the doorway. A gift bag with a black and white polka-dot ribbon tying the handles together sat just outside. “What’s this?”

  Clementine shrugged. “I saw Jesse put it there early this morning when I was going to the bathroom. Then he walked away all quiet and quick.”

  So Jesse had snuck out of my room, snuck back to drop the bag off, then snuck off to somewhere else. Not to mention when he’d snuck into my room last night. He’d done a lot of sneaking in twelve hours.

  Once Clementine was bouncing down the stairs, I grabbed the bag and hurried back inside my room. I didn’t get presents often. Mom had resorted to pulling out her wallet and handing me a couple hundred dollar bills at breakfast on my birthday since I’d become a teenager. I wanted to take my time untying the ribbon and pulling out the tissue paper.

  The moment my fingers tugged on one end of that ribbon though, that bow was untied and the tissue paper was flying. I could have cried when I saw what was inside.

  Clothes. New with the tags on them and in my size. A few pairs of jeans that, knowing Jesse, would still hug my butt but hopefully not as bad as Lily’s had. A few tees in different colors, two airy button-up shirts with those pretty, pearly button snaps, and a pair of boots at the very bottom of the bag. Again, they were in my size, a Western style that wasn’t overt about it, and chocolate brown and lavender colored. They were functional for life on the ranch, but still round-toed, didn’t have a heel, and mid-calf like my trusty combat boots.

  My clothing problem was miraculously solved by a man. Go figure.

  Rose had offered all week to take me into town to pick out some new clothes, but I’d put it off and borrowed Lily’s since the only spare time we’d had was last night, and I didn’t want Rose to miss the rodeo because she was helping me pick out clothes.

  I was just about to tug a shirt over my head when a white folded note nestled in the tornado of tissue paper caught my attention. I’d been in such a hurry, I’d missed it. I grabbed it and opened it up.

  I picked these up for you last week, but since I was scared you’d bite my head off if I did anything but stay silent and avoid eye contact, they’ve hung out with me in the attic. You know, that place right above you? Where I sleep? Sometimes naked?

  My throat went dry when I visualized that. My legs went weak when I thought of me joining him in that naked state.

  That was a joke. Kind of . . . Anyways, you needed some clothes, I wanted to help, problem solved. And while I’ve got your undivided attention . . . You remember that date I asked you about last week that you were about to say yes to before someone I shall not name really messed that up? Yeah, well, since you got me to sleep with you last night, I think the least you owe me is a date. Tonight? 8ish? You. Me. Food. Sound okay?

  P.S. You can still kick serious ass in these boots.

  I read the note once more. It made me laugh. As much as I wanted to read it again, I smelled breakfast. That meant I was running late.

  I changed into a pair of jeans which, as suspected, hugged my butt but not as badly as Lily’s had, slipped into the olive green button-down shirt, and slid into the boots. Everything fit. The boots fit my feet so well, my old ones were in danger of becoming my second favorites.

  After ripping a brush through my hair, I rushed down the hall. My lips felt chapped, no big surprise there, so I made a layover in the bathroom to slick on some lip balm.

  Voices buzzed in the kitchen already, which meant I wasn’t only late, I was really late. As soon as I skidded into the kitchen, my eyes locked onto his and his onto mine. Jesse was already seated at the table with the rest of the hands, eating breakfast. After finishing the bite of food in his mouth, a grin spread across his face as he took me in decked out in my new clothes.

  “Wowza! Don’t you look fabulous,” Rose said when she pulled her head out of the fridge.

  “She sure does,” Jesse added, his grin stretching wider. The rest of the hands, along with Neil, turned and took a quick look. A few nods, a couple smiles, then they got back to their breakfast.

  “Thank you,” I replied to Rose before glancing back at Jesse. I don’t think he’d blinked yet. “And thank you.” I hoped he’d pick u
p on the subtle inflection because I couldn’t just walk across the kitchen, kiss him full on the lips, and thank him for the clothes the way I wanted to. I wasn’t sure how his family would take it. I was still trying to figure us out for myself, so whatever Jesse and I had, we’d have to keep it quiet until we figured out just what it was.

  “Sorry I’m late,” I said as I rushed over to the coffee pot. That was my area of expertise. I ground, made, and poured the coffee. After that first day, I hadn’t spilled any. Occasionally, I’d be brave enough to whip up the pancake mix or scramble the eggs, but manning the coffee was the safest bet.

  “That’s all right, hun,” she said, waving it off. “Clem said you had a tough time sleeping last night. You could have slept in, you know?”

  Clementine waved at me from where she flipped pancakes on the griddle while standing on a step stool. Her purple scarf was proudly on display.

  “What kept you up? Mind, body, or both?” Rose asked as I grabbed the coffee pot.

  I couldn’t look her in the eyes when I answered, “Both.” I promptly spun around and whisked toward the table.

  I felt one set of eyes on me. So intently, I remembered the way he’d kissed me last night. It made me remember the words he’d said to me.

  Reliving last night when I had hot coffee in my hands wasn’t a good idea. I stopped beside Neil and lifted the pot. “Refill?” It was a rhetorical question. Not once in the past week had Neil turned down a coffee refill.

  “Please,” he said with a nod. “Did you end up going to the rodeo last night, Rowen? We didn’t see you there, but it was packed as usual.”

  “Yeah, I went.” I focused on pouring coffee into his cup. I did a quick scan of the table and was relieved to see a certain seat empty. I wasn’t quite ready to see Garth Black yet.

  “What did you think?” he asked, turning in his seat toward me. “This was your first rodeo, right? I bet it left quite an impression.”

  “It certainly left an impression,” I replied as I set his cup back down in front of him.