And Only to Deceive lem-1

by Tasha Alexander

  "Dr. Livingstone?" Ivy asked.

  "Oh, yes!" I cried. "Of course, Dr. Livingstone."

  "He was presumed dead in Africa for at least three years before Stanley went to look for him. And it must have been another two before he succeeded," Margaret said. "Philip's been gone fewer than two years. That he might be alive doesn't shock me in the least."

  "Mr. Bennett," Ivy said, grabbing my arm. "Do you remember him from Paris?"

  "Of course," I replied, confused.

  "He's the one who sent Mr. Stanley to look for Dr. Livingstone because he wanted the story for his New York paper," Ivy said. "I talked to him about it at some length. It was rather difficult to get him to move on to another subject."

  "You're clever to remember that, Ivy. I had forgotten," Margaret replied. "And you know everyone believed that Livingstone had been killed."

  "He was in poor health when Stanley found him, I recall."

  "Actually, more weary than ill," Margaret said.

  "All the same, his experience must have been dreadful!" Ivy exclaimed. "How he must have suffered."

  "I must go to Philip. I must try to find him," I said, hardly hearing what either of them said, as I suddenly felt almost panicked. "I am going to Africa. I cannot bear the thought of him languishing alone in an isolated village. I want to see him the moment he is discovered."

  "Of course you must go. If he is still ill, your very presence will undoubtedly lift his spirits and aid in his recovery. Your reunion must not be delayed," Margaret said, growing more and more excited.

  "Perhaps Mr. Bennett would be willing to organize an expedition to find Philip," Ivy suggested.

  "Mr. Bennett might be an excellent resource, but I don't think he would agree to let Emily go. Can we think of anyone else to arrange things?" Margaret asked.

  "You are right. Furthermore, if Mr. Bennett were to hear of this, he would undoubtedly want the story for his paper. I do not want to attract publicity." I thought for a moment. "I shall enlist the help of Mr. Palmer. It is he, after all, whom Philip chose to contact. He should be able to orchestrate a search party."

  "We should remember that Dr. Livingstone was a missionary, Emily. He had chosen to live in Africa and was well established there. Granted, his living conditions were undoubtedly wretched, but they were satisfactory enough that he stayed on even after Stanley found him. Philip was not in such happy circumstances. While we can hope that he may be found alive, I do not think that we can be sure," Ivy said.

  "I will believe it until it is proven otherwise," I said with a flourish, utterly captivated by the idea that I would soon find myself in Philip's arms.

  "Do you really think you should go to Africa?" Ivy asked. "It sounds awfully dangerous."

  "She must go!" Margaret cried. "I wish I could. I cannot believe that my sister's wedding is so soon. There's no way I can avoid going back to New York for it."

  "I will need your help, Ivy," I said. "My mother cannot know that I am going. She would do everything in her power to stop me. I would like to tell her that I am with you in the country. Will you corroborate my story?"

  "Oh, Emily, I just don't know if this is a good idea. I want Philip to be alive as much as you do, but it is not a certain thing. And the idea of traveling to Africa-it just isn't safe."

  "You needn't worry, dearest. You know the Palmers will see to it that no harm comes to me."

  "I don't think now is the time to abandon your friend, Ivy," Margaret said.

  "Emily knows I only want what is best for her." I could see from Ivy's expression that she thought I was going too far.

  "But now you are implying that you know better than she does what that is," Margaret said, rather forcefully.

  "Please, Ivy, will you help me?"

  "Of course," she said, sounding more resigned than convinced. "If you feel this is something you must do, I will not stand in your way."

  "If Mother writes, could you answer the letters for me?"

  "Yes, but surely she would recognize your handwriting?"

  "True. If she writes, you shall have to send any reply by cable. Say that I'm so very rich that I don't like to wait for letters to arrive by post. She'll be horrified and won't write again," I said. "And, Ivy, you must not tell Robert."

  "Oh, Emily, I don't know that I could lie to him."

  "Your husband has no right to know her plans," Margaret said.

  "Please, Ivy. If he were to find out, he might try to stop me."

  "Yes, I imagine that he would." She furrowed her pretty brow. "But maybe not, if you agreed to go only as far as Cairo. You could let the others travel the rest of the way without you and still see Philip more quickly than if you waited in London. No one would object to your going to Cairo, not even your mother. You could stay at Shepherd's-this is the perfect time of the year for it."

  "I am not going to Cairo, Ivy-I am going to Philip, if I must travel all the way to Lake Victoria to find him."

  "Good heavens! Is that where he was hunting?" Ivy asked.

  "To tell you the truth, I have no idea," I admitted. "But Arthur certainly knows."

  "Perhaps he should speak with Mr. Elliott to get a more complete picture of these rumors," Margaret suggested.

  "Excellent idea." I leaned against the rail at the top of the stairs. "I never liked Arthur much when I first met him, and I still don't particularly enjoy his company. Yet if he agrees to do this for me, I shall be utterly indebted to him."

  Within a few hours, I had dispatched a hurried note to Arthur and received a reply. He, along with Andrew, was booking passage to Cairo and arranging for guides to take them south.

  "I am most impressed that Arthur rose so quickly to the occasion," Ivy said, reading over my shoulder.

  "And Andrew, dear Andrew." I sighed. "I hardly know what to say about him. He is going all this distance to rescue my husband so soon after I callously turned down his own proposal. I do not think many men would do such a thing."

  "I think that he loved you more than we realized," Ivy replied. "He certainly must have a deep admiration for you to go to such lengths to ensure your happiness."

  "Romantic though that idea is, we should not forget that both he and Arthur were friends of Philip's. Lovely and charming though you are, Emily, they may be doing this for their friend more than for you," Margaret said.

  "You are right, of course. Still, I rather like the idea of the rejected suitor moving heaven and earth to bring his love her heart's desire," I said, less than half seriously. "It is awfully good that I turned down Andrew, isn't it? Only imagine if Philip were to return home and find me engaged."

  "Thankfully, that never would have happened." Ivy stood up. "I'm surprised that Arthur did not mention in his note any thoughts on your decision to accompany the party. I felt certain he would protest."

  "I haven't told him yet," I admitted. "I didn't want him to refuse to go and thought it would be easier for him to adjust to the idea once his own plans were set in motion."

  "You are terrible, Emily. Well, if you are to depart for the Dark Continent in less than a week, I think you had better begin packing," Margaret said. "And you will have to break the news to the Palmers. I would love to see their unguarded reactions when they learn of the addition to their search party."

  1 DECEMBER 1887

  ASHTON HALL, DERBYSHIRE

  Have spent much of the day reorganizing my collection and labelling objects-activities necessitated by what might be considered excessive purchases made during my recent travels. Forakis has not been able to locate any more of the objects from my list-suggests I will have to return to Paris if I am set on finding them.

  Will visit K briefly in Kent next week so that we might see each other before I leave for Africa. How quickly both our lives will change when I return.

  24

  The next afternoon I came face-to-face with the man I had avoided since refusing his proposal of marriage. I received Andrew in the drawing room, on this occasion preferring it to the
library, the scene of my rejection of him. He looked more handsome than I expected and behaved so properly to me that I would have thought him a completely changed man if it weren't for his slightly wry smile.

  "Lady Ashton, thank you for seeing me," he said, waiting to sit until I invited him to do so.

  "Andrew, please do not revert to formality with me," I said, smiling back at him. "That would be unbearable."

  "I hardly know what to say, Emily. So much has changed between us since our last meeting, yet my feelings for you are unaltered." He rose to stand before me. "The level of my affection leaves me no alternative other than to do whatever will make you happy. In this case that means restoring to you the man you never stopped loving, even though my own heart will break to see you reunited with him."

  "Andrew, I am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

  "I know, darling." He paused and looked into my eyes. "But I must not call you that any longer. Had you accepted me, we would still be faced with the fact that Ashton is alive. I would have been plummeted from the greatest joy of my life to the deepest despair. It is better that you never agreed to be mine. That way I avoid the pain of having to give you up."

  There was nothing I could say in response to this, so I remained silent, staring down at my hands on my lap. Andrew sat in a chair across from me and crossed his legs.

  "My intention was not to come here and make you feel terrible. Forgive me if I have done that; I am not quite ready to abandon the role of rejected lover," he said, smiling again. "But I am also here in another capacity entirely. Arthur and I have everything in place for our departure to Africa. Is there anything you would like me to take to Ashton? A letter or some small memento?"

  "Actually, I had something else in mind," I began, hardly daring to look at him. "I want to accompany you. I shall go mad waiting for you to return with him. I need to see him as quickly as possible and imagine I shall understand what he has suffered better if I am there when you find him."

  "Are you certain?" Andrew's eyes narrowed as he looked at me. "Africa is a singularly inhospitable place. You would be much more comfortable at home."

  "How can I think of my own comfort when my husband has languished near death far from everyone he loves? I must go to him, Andrew."

  "I confess I had rather hoped you would say that," he replied. "I would never ask you to do such a thing, but I reckon it would be immensely beneficial for Ashton to see you. We do not know what his physical condition will be when we reach him. Whatever the stage of his recovery, it cannot help being positively influenced by you. I can conceive of no one better to nurse him than you. The sound of his calling for you when he first fell ill still haunts me." He gazed toward the window. "He repeated your name over and over. It was dreadful knowing that we could not respond to his wish."

  "Well, then it is settled," I said. "I shall be prepared to depart with you. If you would be so good as to arrange the travel details, I will see to everything else."

  "I would be honored, Emily."

  "And, Andrew..." I paused. "Please do not be offended when I say this. I know enough of your finances to realize that this trip is beyond your means. I have already instructed my solicitors that anything you and Arthur need shall be paid for out of my accounts."

  "That is not necessary," he said, looking at me quite candidly.

  "Perhaps not, but it is an expense I cannot ask you to bear. If you should like to take the matter up with Philip when we return to England, you may." I smiled. "I shall never be able to thank you adequately for this, Andrew."

  "I see the happiness in your eyes, Emily, and that is enough."

  There was a soft tap on the door, and Ivy peeked into the room. "I hope I am not interrupting," she said.

  "Not at all," Andrew said jovially. "Emily and I are planning quite a trip, and I shall depend on you, Ivy, to ensure that she has an appropriate wardrobe. These trailing skirts of hers would be a disaster in the bush."

  "We have anticipated the problem, Andrew, and already have the matter well in hand," Ivy said. "I think you will be most pleased."

  "I expect so," he said.

  "Emily, I came in to tell you that I'm off to Victoria's," Ivy said. "Are you certain you do not need my assistance with anything else? I should not mind missing tea at all."

  "No, go Ivy. I shall be fine. Send everyone my regards," I replied.

  Andrew bowed as she left and then turned to me. "Emily." He stopped. "May I beg one final favor from you?"

  "Of course, Andrew. What is it?"

  "May I kiss you good-bye? I know that when I see you next, we shall be immersed in our search for your husband and that I never again will enjoy the closeness we shared during these past several months. I should like very much to end that wonderful chapter of my life with a kiss. Of course, it is entirely inappropriate, but then so was most of our courtship." He smiled at me, but I thought I could see the pain of rejection in his eyes. What harm could come from one kiss? I walked over to him, took his hands in mine, and raised my lips to his. He kissed me deeply for what seemed like a very long time.

  "Thank you, Emily. From now on I shall try very hard to think of you as Lady Ashton, but in the recesses of my heart, I shall cling to that kiss." He raised my hand to his lips and departed.

  The following days flew by quickly. I managed to locate several walking suits and two pairs of sturdy boots that I hoped would prove adequate for the African plains. We were to stop in Paris because of a prior business engagement of Andrew's and then continue on to Cairo, where we would meet the native guides who would lead us to British East Africa. Upon leaving Cairo, we would take the railroad as far south as possible and then continue on horseback. Andrew and Arthur had very clearly stated to me the dangers we would meet on our journey; the land itself would provide a considerable challenge, and there was no guarantee that the region would not be in a state of political unrest. Possible danger, rather than deterring me, made me all the more determined to complete my mission and bring Philip home.

  Margaret's excitement was palpable, and she lamented daily that she could not join me on the adventure, cursing her sister for deciding to marry at such an inopportune time. She swore to join any safari Philip planned in the future. I pointed out that then it would be her turn to be the only female in the party, as I had no intention of ever participating in a big-game hunt. Margaret only laughed and made me promise to write down every detail of the journey so that she might enjoy it vicariously.

  Ivy, on the other hand, grew more nervous as the time for me to leave grew near. She hovered over me, wringing her hands, wishing I would agree to stay in Cairo. Despite her worries, she never wavered in her support and promised not to breathe a word of my plans to Robert. She herself wrote to my mother, asking if she thought some time in the country would do me good. My mother, always happy to believe that she controlled me, replied to Ivy that she really must take me away from London; it vexed her no end that I had remained in town after the opening of grouse season. Thus my alibi was established.

  Three days before my trip, I put on one of my new traveling suits and walked down South Street to Park Lane and Hyde Park, where I spent the afternoon circumnavigating the Serpentine and meandering through the park's wide paths without any specific purpose. The bright sun did not take much of the chill out of the air, but I walked at a brisk pace, welcoming the turn of season. The freedom brought by a simple change of clothing was extraordinary. With no corset I could breathe deeply, and my sturdy boots did not threaten to twist my ankles every time I increased my speed. I felt as if I could conquer the world. I paused for some time before the great statue of Achilles, contemplating my husband's opinion of the hero. Eager though I was to see Philip again, I was also a bit nervous. His return would once again alter my life; all the independence I had enjoyed for nearly two years would be gone. Philip might prefer that I not walk alone in the park; he might not like my taking over his library and disagreeing with his views about Homer. He almost cert
ainly would not like my drinking his port. I felt a flicker of insecurity as I wondered if he would love this version of his Kallista, but I could not really believe that our reunion could be anything less than romantic perfection.

  As I started to walk in the direction of Kensington Palace, a gentleman rushing down the path nearly bowled me over.

  "I am terribly sorry," he said, looking up. "Emily!"

  "What brings you to the park, Mr. Hargreaves?"

  "The same as you, I would imagine. Excellent day for a walk."

  "It would appear that you are running. Are you late for some engagement?" I asked.

  "No, I've just come from one," he replied tersely.

  "In the park? Tell me, Mr. Hargreaves, were you meeting a lady?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Am I to wish you joy?"

  "Hardly, Emily. You of all people should know that. I've just seen Palmer; he tells me that you plan to accompany him and the others to Africa."

  "That's right," I said, lowering myself onto a nearby bench, once again delighted by how much easier even the simplest things became in the absence of a corset. "I want to see Philip as soon as possible."

  "Emily, please listen to me," he said, sitting next to me. "I know you hate being told what to do and that when you get an idea into your head you are loath to turn away from it. I understand your need to believe that your husband is alive. Perhaps sending a search party for him is necessary for you to realize that he is dead. But it simply is not wise for you to embark on such a journey."

  I looked into his eyes as he spoke, wondering at this choice of words. "I am quite aware of the potential danger."

  "I don't believe that you are," he said. "I cannot imagine what Palmer is thinking, letting you go."

  "In the first place, he realizes that I may be of assistance to Philip; in the second, he, unlike some other members of my acquaintance, realizes that he has no control over what I choose to do."

  "If Ashton were alive, he would thrash Palmer for putting you in harm's way," Colin retorted.