The Road Back

by Liz Harris

  She’d heard their footsteps going up the path, and she’d desperately longed to run down the stairs, open the door and hurry after them, just to see Kalden again, no matter how brief the moment. But she knew that she mustn’t. If her father saw her staring after them, Kalden would be lost to her forever.

  If he wasn’t already lost to her.

  Her heart heavy, she’d come back down the stairs, and had sat in the chair, her eyes on the door, waiting as the day had crawled by.

  ‘Patricia!’

  She started in surprise, and jumped up. Her notebook fell to the floor.

  ‘Patricia!’ Kalden whispered again from outside the post house, his voice urgent. ‘I back from Alchi.’

  Her heart thumping fast, she ran to the door and flung it open. He slipped into the house, pushed the door shut behind him, threw his arms around her, pulled her to him and buried his face in her hair.

  ‘My Patricia,’ she heard him murmur, his voice muffled by her hair.

  For several minutes, they clung wordlessly to each other. Then he pulled away, put his arm around her shoulders and led her to the long bench at the side of the room.

  ‘Come, Patricia, there is much to say,’ he said. ‘I know I promise Major-le that I not talk to you, but I not speak the truth. I not a monk yet,’ he added with a wry smile. Then, his face suddenly serious, he took her hand. ‘I not know what you are feeling all this day, but I know what I feel. I feel deep, deep love for you. I cannot think of life without you.’

  ‘And I love you so much that it hurts, Kalden.’ She clutched his hand tightly. ‘I can’t bear the thought of leaving you. I’ve never been as unhappy as I’ve been since yesterday.’

  ‘Then we live together,’ he said.

  ‘Live together?’

  ‘We have said we stay together, so we have only to choose where we stay. I think first that we can live in Ladakh. We can make our home together here.’

  ‘In Ladakh? I don’t understand. I thought you were going into the monastery because there wasn’t anything else you could do. Or are you thinking of being a coolie? You’d hate being a coolie, though.’

  ‘Yes, I not want to be a coolie, and to be a coolie will not put food in our bowls. But a place we can live is missionary house. It belong to missionary church, but church not use it since Mr and Mrs Henderson leave. Missionary house already special to us. House is empty, but I can make house good again. Is little far from village, but I can grow food and we can live there. That is one thing we can do.’

  ‘I’d rather be here with you than back in England without you,’ she said without hesitation. ‘We’ll do that.’

  He tightened his hand around hers. ‘At first I think this is good idea. But then I think of missionary wife. Mr Henderson is happy here, and Mrs Henderson want to do what makes him happy, but she miss life in England – she miss music, books, people, food – and she feels sad that Peter cannot live like other English boys. Harvests pass, and she becomes more and more sad. Deep in my heart, I know that one day you be unhappy in Ladakh. You have mother in England. You can do many things in England you cannot do in Ladakh. Life in Ladakh is difficult if you not born in Ladakh. It be too hard for you here.’

  ‘You’re wrong, Kalden. Being with you is all I need to be happy. It doesn’t matter where we are.’ She leaned against his shoulder, put her arm across his chest and snuggled up to him.

  He smiled sadly. ‘I wish it is so, but it is not. Ladakhi people not know what it is to live in place like England. They not miss what they never have. But you know and you will miss it, even if today you think you will not. When we have children, you will feel about our children like Mrs Henderson feel about Peter. I not want that to happen. I want you to be always happy.’

  She glanced up at him. ‘So what are you saying, Kalden?’

  ‘That I come to England with you,’ he said very quietly.

  She straightened up and stared at him. ‘But you’d have to leave your family and the life you’ve always known. England’s so different from here. It would be very strange and very frightening for you.’

  ‘One of us must leave a family if we wish to live together. You are the life I want, Patricia. You will be my family, and the children we will have.’

  She leaned back against his arm, biting her lower lip thoughtfully.

  ‘You know, I think it could work, you coming to England,’ she said slowly. ‘You speak excellent English and you can read English, too. You’d certainly find work. It might not be as good as you deserve, but the more you learnt, the better the job you’d be able to get. I can work and bring in money, too, and we can rent a flat.’ She looked up at his face, her eyes shining with excitement. ‘Our first home together.’

  He hugged her tightly. ‘I very happy, Patricia. I feel I want to stay with you now and not leave you again, but I must not – I must get ready for journey. We will go before Major-le gets back. He is back in six or seven days, maybe more – I ask pony-man to go very slowly to Leh and back to village – but that is not long and we must leave post house very soon.’

  ‘All we have to do is get to an airport in India. I’ve got some money of my own. It’s not a lot, but it’ll be enough for our tickets to England. We’ll go back the way we came, through the Zoji-la Pass to Srinagar.’

  ‘I have different idea. When Major-le comes back, he will think we go to Srinagar, but we will not. We will go south to Chiling and then we follow the Markha river to Lato. At Lato, we travel south on road that goes from Leh to Manali. So if he start to follow us, he go on wrong road.’

  ‘Is the road to Manali a good road?’

  ‘The road is high in the mountains. We go down the side of the mountains, round and round, until we come to grazing land. But it is a good road. Any road that takes us to place where we can be together is good road.’

  She nestled up to him again. ‘My mother’s going to love you. And I’m sure Father will accept us when he sees how happy we are.’

  ‘I hope that very much. I know that is what you want.’

  ‘And we can come back and visit your family. You won’t have to lose all contact with them. We’ll come back as often as we can.’

  He kissed the top of her head and straightened up. ‘I go back to house now. I not want anyone to know we are together. Is better that way.’

  ‘You’re right, of course,’ she said. She sighed. ‘I can’t wait to be able to do whatever we want.’

  ‘And I feel that, too. Tomorrow I go and find bearer in Alchi. We take one bearer and three pack-ponies. We change ponies for dzo when we get to very high ground. Dzo better for mountain tracks. When I in Alchi, I get food for trip as we not have any cook. I come back late from Alchi as I not want anyone to see ponies and food. While I in Alchi, you pack clothes and things you need, and we can leave early in next morning. I ask bearer to be with us when the sun rises. We will start our life together with nima, the sun.’

  ‘I’m so happy,’ she breathed.

  He put his finger under her chin, tilted her face to his and kissed her full on the lips. ‘I love you, Patricia,’ he said, his voice thick with emotion. ‘I not know the words to tell you, but for rest of my life I show you every day. You and me, we are one person.’ He stood up and looked down at her, his eyes ablaze with love. ‘I not want to go now, but I must. I see you tomorrow night when I back from Alchi.’

  She caught his hands in hers. Bending over them, she kissed the palm of his right hand, then the palm of his left hand, then she pressed his hands to the sides of her face. ‘I love you,’ she said. ‘I always will.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  The air was cold and the ground hard when they set off from the post house an hour before the sun had fully risen. Determined to put as much distance as possible between them and the post house in the first couple of days, they went as quickly as they could in a south-easterly direction.

  ‘What’s the name of our bearer?’ Patricia asked towards the middle of the morning when they�
�d slowed to a more comfortable pace, feeling able to relax a little now that the village was far behind them.

  ‘Lobsang. It means that he has very kind heart.’

  ‘That’s nice.’ She smiled at Lobsang’s back, then glanced over her shoulder at the long expanse of track behind them. ‘Do you think we’ll be able to keep this speed up all the way to Manali?’

  ‘We must. Lobsang see we do. Road to Manali is high up and sometimes it snows before end of September. Road always closes in October, maybe even by end of September. Lobsang must leave us and be back on lower ground before snow comes, so must be in Manali before end of September.’

  Lobsang turned round and beamed at them. Kalden said a few words to him and he replied, looking up at the sky, and then turned back to the track.

  ‘Lobsang worry about snow coming early. He say we go quickly,’ Kalden told her, and they speeded up their pace again.

  Having travelled all morning with only one short break, they reached the Dungdung Chan La early in the afternoon. Deciding to go through the mountain pass and then stop for their lunch, they started to ride into the pass. A moment later, Kalden pulled his pony to an abrupt halt and stared from one side to the other, at the Stok Range soaring majestically in the east, and at the rocky pinnacles of the Zanskar Range stretching away to the south.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked, anxiously.

  ‘Might be I never again see family and people I know since day I am born. I do what I want, Patricia – I want to be with you – but I feel for my family.’ He turned round in his saddle and gazed back at the shadowy peaks of the mountains where he’d grown up.

  She nudged her pony closer to his and leaned across to him. ‘We’ll come back, Kalden,’ she said softly, resting her hand on his. ‘I promise we will.’

  ‘I hope this, but I not know. I have locked picture of mountains in my mind, and I keep it with me forever.’

  He took a deep breath, turned away from the past and fixed his eyes firmly on the way ahead.

  Urging their ponies forward, they followed Lobsang along the ridge towards the valley, riding side by side. Every so often, her eyes strayed to Kalden’s pale face, and she leaned across and rubbed his arm, sending him waves of sympathy and understanding. Each time, he smiled back at her, but she saw that his eyes were full of sorrow.

  The track narrowed as they got closer to Chiling and they were forced to ride one behind the other. With Lobsang in front of her and Kalden behind, she had no choice but to keep her eyes on the path ahead and on Lobsang’s back.

  Just before they reached Chiling, Lobsang pointed to a small stretch of pasture land to their right on which grey-brown sheep were grazing, and he indicated that they should stop there and have some food. Both they and the ponies needed a short rest before they went any further, he told Patricia through Kalden.

  ‘You will see your parents again, Kalden. We’ll make sure of that,’ Patricia said as they sat on the grass together, a little way back from Lobsang. She picked up a lump of dried cheese and a piece of thick brown bread, broke each in half and gave him a piece of each. ‘You must eat something. You haven’t eaten anything all day. You’ve got to keep your strength up.’

  He smiled across at her. ‘I all right now. You not worry.’ He put his arm around her and bit into the bread.

  ‘Are you sure we’ve got enough food for the journey? We’ve only got enough bread for one more day, and we didn’t bring many bags of ngampe. I know we’ve still got several bricks of tea, butter and salt, but there are only a few blocks of cheese left. It doesn’t seem much for three people for such a long journey.’

  ‘It be enough. If we carry much, we go slowly. We make many meals with food we have, and it easy to carry. Tomorrow we make porridge with ngampe, cheese and salt butter tea – Peter always say it look like porridge, but not taste like it. We roll mixture into little balls and we boil little balls in pan with water. If it rains, or if we not find wood to make fire, we not cook them – we eat them with water. Ngampe porridge is very good for long trips.’

  She made a face of disgust, and he laughed.

  ‘Yet another reason to get to the end of our journey as quickly as possible,’ she said. ‘I wish I could say that it sounds delicious, but I can’t.’ She yawned, lay back on the grass and stared up at the clear blue sky. ‘Just look at that sky! There’s not a cloud to be seen.’

  Kalden gave her a smile, got up and went to help Lobsang put everything they’d used back into the canvas bags that hung from the ponies. When they’d finished, he came over to her. ‘We go now, Patricia, or you want we rest longer?’

  ‘Definitely go now,’ she said. Yawning again, she stood up, wiping the dust from the seat of her jeans. A worried expression on his face, Lobsang watched her as he stood holding the ponies. He said something to Kalden. Kalden glanced at Patricia, nodded to Lobsang and went over to her.

  ‘Lobsang thinks we go only a little further today. We stop on other side of Chiling. After Chiling, must cross very deep ravine before we get to the big river. Ravine is dry, but we use high bridge to get to other side. Before we get to bridge, there is a pasture just like pasture here. Lobsang thinks we tired and suggests we camp on pasture and cross ravine tomorrow.’

  ‘Can’t we cross over first and then stop for the night? I’m terrified that Father will return from Leh sooner than we thought and come after us. I know it’s silly – he doesn’t even know which way we’ve gone – but I can’t help worrying. It doesn’t feel as if we’ve come very far yet, and I’m not that tired. And what about the snow? Shouldn’t we go as far as we can each day before stopping?’

  Kalden went back to Lobsang, followed by Patricia, and they had a short conversation.

  ‘Lobsang says there is hut on other side of ravine, not far from bridge,’ he told her. ‘Perhaps there be other pony-men in hut, and they give us information about road to Lato. I have told Lobsang that we cross river today and stay in hut tonight.’

  ‘That sounds the best thing to do; thank you. That way, we can set off tomorrow before daybreak if we want. If we spent the night on this side of the ravine, we wouldn’t be able to cross the bridge in semi-darkness so we wouldn’t be able to leave as early in the morning.’ She smiled gratefully at Lobsang, and the three of them mounted their ponies and picked up the trail again.

  Riding behind Lobsang for the next leg of the journey, they stared in silence at the view on either side of them. When they reached Chiling, they skirted the village and made their way along a winding track that was bordered by a profusion of willow, rose and sea buckthorn.

  ‘I feel the size of an ant, sandwiched between such massive rock formations,’ she said at one point. ‘And look at those huge mounds of earth – they look just like spires.’

  Gradually, the path became steeper and more uneven, and they were forced to keep their eyes firmly on the rocky ground ahead of them.

  ‘How will your parents know where you are?’ Patricia asked as they sat on the grass in the small clearing where they’d stopped for a rest before crossing the bridge. ‘Won’t they panic when they can’t find you?’

  ‘Tenzin will tell them.’

  ‘Did you tell him where you were going?’

  ‘Yes. I could not go without telling him, and I ask him to tell ama and aba, but not until they ask about me. I trust Tenzin; he not let them worry.’

  ‘What did he say when you told him you were coming to England with me?’

  ‘That he not surprised. He say he know for long time that I feel much for you, and he see in your eyes that you feel same for me. He say he always think I never be very good monk. He think I be better husband. I think so, too.’ He gave her a lazy smile and squeezed her hand. Then he turned his attention to Lobsang, who was speaking to him at the same time as staring up at the sky.

  ‘We very near bridge,’ Kalden translated. ‘Lobsang ask if you sure you want to cross bridge today. It is late now and sun be soon behind mountains. He thinks we stay here for
night. He sees we tired.’

  ‘He’s right that I’m tired, but I’m not too tired to continue. I’d rather cross the bridge now. But it’s been a really difficult day for you, Kalden, leaving your family and all that, and if you’ve had enough and you’d prefer to stop now, then that’s what we’ll do.’

  ‘We go over bridge now,’ Kalden said, and he told Lobsang that they’d cross the ravine and then stop for the night in the hut.

  A little further along the track, the path gave a sudden sharp twist and they found themselves riding up a short stretch of rocky ground between heaps of stones that had been piled together at irregular intervals. Astride the top of the path stood two large crags. Passing between the crags, they saw a narrow bridge hanging high above a dark ravine that fell away at their feet.

  Patricia stopped sharply. Her eyes flew to the bridge – to the overlapping wooden slats that formed its base; to the wide mesh of the rope handrail; to the gently swaying movement – and she shuddered.

  Jagged crags jutted out from the ridge that overhung the valley and blocked her view of the ravine. Cautiously she inched her pony forward and peered down the slopes of the crimson scree to the dry river bed below. Her line of vision was broken by the clusters of rose-bushes that had managed to take root on the barren slopes of rock, their tangled branches reaching out into the emptiness above the gorge, but she was able to make out a jumble of large boulders at the foot of the cliffs, which marked out the line of the river bed.

  She followed the path where the river had been, watching it narrow, widen again, and then disappear behind a grey wall of rock. Then she turned her head to the right and stared up at the tall cliffs that dominated the valley, cutting out the rays of the dying sun. Shivering, she looked back at the bridge in front of her.