She tuned in to Eduardo just as he asked her about her upcoming tour and hopes for the awards season. This was something she could talk about for hours. She leaned back in her chair and told him how excited she was about all of it. It was part truth and part lie. Like everything in her life these days.
* * *
“Mateo, sweetie, don’t do that.” Maddie had bought him a toy ukulele in the hope of encouraging his love of music, but right now, that love of music had him bashing the instrument against a pillow like a drum. In the background, the radio played and—to be fair to Mateo—his bashing was mostly in time to the beat of the music.
Her sister had taken advantage of Maddie’s abandoned meeting to go shopping to restock her fridge, and they were all going to have lunch before Maddie took Mateo home. His preschool teacher had been out sick today, and Ashley had stepped in to take him at the last minute. She had come so close to having to cancel the meeting at Sofi’s house. Given the agitated state of her mind since seeing her, she couldn’t stop wishing that she had.
“Mommy.” Mateo reached up for her and she pulled him onto her lap, smoothing his hair. He seemed tired today. She leaned back on the couch and settled Mateo against her chest, hoping he might nap. She would have been happy to join him, but her own brain felt so full of Sofi that she was pretty sure sleep wouldn’t come. Along with everything else they’d talked about, Sofi had been cocky enough to ask her if she wanted to know if Sofi had missed her. If she’d said yes, what would Sofi have said? She seemed like she was living her best life, and Maddie doubted she had given any of them much of a backward look.
She cursed softly as one of Sofi’s songs came on the radio. It was one of her biggest hits—a Latin-infused pop song that had sold millions. Maddie tried not to listen to her music but always failed. This was a very catchy song, but she couldn’t help but be disappointed by it. It was too light, too safe, and contained none of the raw emotions of that first album.
She tuned in properly for the first time. The song was finishing and her ears picked up Sofi’s voice, thanking the deejay for having her. This must have been what they called her away for. Maddie rested her head on the sofa and let Sofi’s voice wash over her. The deejay was complaining about the lack of sad songs on the new album and suggesting it was because Sofi was happy with Noah.
“I know your fans are hoping for wedding bells. Do you have an exclusive for us, Sofia?”
Maddie felt herself tense slightly, waiting for Sofi’s reply. She hated herself for caring.
“Don’t hold your breath. I’m still very focused on my music.”
“Of course you are.” Maddie said the words out loud and Mateo sat up, rubbing his eyes. She took advantage of him moving to reach across and turn off the radio. Sofi had always been “very focused” on her music. It had been the thing that had ruined them after all. She settled Mateo back into her lap trying to focus on her annoyance with Sofi and ignore the crazy sliver of happiness she felt at the news that she wasn’t considering marrying her perfect pop star boyfriend.
* * *
“He’s sleeping.” Maddie pointed at Mateo and whispered the words to Ashley as she came into the room with the groceries.
Ashley tiptoed across to the kitchen and began to quietly unpack.
“You didn’t tell me what happened with that new project today.” Her voice was not much louder than a whisper.
“It was okay. Nice big house. Nothing’s been done with it. It’s like a blank canvas really. Funny thing was it belonged to someone I knew. I was so surprised.” She aimed for nonchalance, knowing she felt anything but.
“Oh yeah? Who?”
“Sofia. Sofia from the band. It’s her house.”
Ashley stopped making unpacking noises. Maddie waited.
“Someone you knew? Sofia Flores. Are you joking? You’d better be joking, Maddie.”
Maddie couldn’t imagine ever joking about it.
“I’m not.”
“Maddie, you can’t do that. You can’t work for Sofia. Are you crazy? She literally broke your heart. I know, I was there. I peeled your sobbing drunk self off the floor so many times, sis. You can’t seriously be considering taking the job, to be putting yourself in the way of her again.” She had her hands on her hips. Maddie was two years older than Ashley, but Ashley had inherited all the bossy genes.
“I’m not ‘putting myself in the way of her,’ jeez. It’s just my job. She needs a designer. The house is, like, fifteen miles from here. The job pays well, and I’ll be able to spend a lot more time with Mateo. And she won’t even be there after tomorrow. She’s going on tour and she’ll be gone for months.” Maddie was talking to herself as much as to Ashley. Hearing herself say it was good—it made so much sense for her to do the work. “And it was such a long time ago, it’s all in the past.” That part sounded way less convincing.
“Yeah, and it was a lot of hurt and it took a long time for you to recover. I’m not sure you ever have to be honest. Who have you dated since? I mean seriously dated, not people you’ve gone home with when you’re drunk.”
“I dated Lara.” Maddie didn’t need to explain herself to Ashley, but she wanted this chance to talk, for herself, to be sure she knew what she was doing.
“You didn’t ‘date’ Lara. She was a fuck buddy. And she was all ready to sell you out to the gossip websites until you got there first. I’m not sure she’s the one you should be using as an example of how well you’ve moved on.”
“Low blow, sis.”
Ashley sighed and sat next to her.
“I’m sorry. I’m just worried that’s all. I thought being back here was a fresh start for you guys. I don’t want the heartache to follow you back here.” She lifted an eyebrow. “And, yes, by heartache, I mean Sofia.”
Ashley was right. This was meant to be a fresh start. She’d go tomorrow and tell Sofi she couldn’t take on the project and offer her another designer to work with. It was the right thing to do, but she couldn’t help but feel sad about it. It wasn’t just that she needed the work. She’d agreed to meet Sofi tomorrow because she held out the hope of them talking about what had happened. She had so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to know—but stirring it all up now wouldn’t do either of them any good. She stroked Mateo’s head tenderly. And she didn’t just have herself to think about now. There was Mateo. He needed stability and a sober, sane mama. Not one who chased after long gone dreams.
“Okay, you win. I’ll resign the commission.” Her chest felt tight. She shook her head, trying to shake away the sadness that had settled in. “Tell me you got us something cheesy for lunch. I need the comfort right now.” She made herself smile.
“I got us pizza from that new place on Seventh.” Ashley squeezed her hand. “There might be a little cheese involved.”
Maddie nodded. Ashley might be bossy, but she had always had her back and Maddie was damn lucky to have her.
Chapter Five
This time, Maddie parked on the driveway and not on the street. She was thirty minutes late and looked a wreck. It was bad enough that she was going to let Sofi down by pulling out of the project. She had at least wanted to seem professional while she did it.
Mateo woke complaining of a tummy ache. He was too sick to go to preschool. She gave him medicine, waited a while for him to go off to sleep again, and then decided to settle him in the back of her jeep. She would leave him there for the few minutes it would take for her to humiliate herself with Sofi by quitting. As she tossed and turned all night, practicing the actual words she’d say, she couldn’t escape the fact that pulling out would mean admitting she wasn’t quite over what had happened between them. Why else couldn’t she spend a couple of hours with Sofi prepping for the work that she had been contracted to do, the work she really wanted to do? That Sofi seemed so able to rise above their past and be so casual about it all just made her feel worse.
She leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Mateo’s cheek, holding her hand against
his forehead and feeling happy that he felt cooler. She fixed her hair as best she could using the side mirror.
“You’re not gonna leave him in there, are you?”
She turned toward Sofi’s voice.
“I was gonna cuss you out for being late with one of my ‘don’t you appreciate how busy and important I am’ speeches, but I’m guessing you definitely don’t need to hear that this morning.” Sofi spoke quietly, her eyes showing kindness.
She walked toward the jeep and Maddie felt herself tense. She hadn’t ever imagined Sofi meeting Mateo.
“He’s not well. He has an upset stomach. I couldn’t take him to preschool and I didn’t have anyone to leave him with so I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to leave him here for long. Just for a few minutes, while I—” She couldn’t make herself say what she’d been planning to say while they were out on the driveway.
“Why don’t you bring him inside? He can sleep on the couch under a blanket while we talk. I’ve got peppermint tea. If he wakes, I’ll make him some. It’s good for digestion.”
Sofi was close to the jeep, peering in at her son, at the most precious thing in her life. And her face looked full of wonder. “Please. I don’t mind. Not at all.” She gave Maddie an earnest, hopeful look, and Maddie shivered a little.
“Okay.”
* * *
Sofi took the two coffees she had made out onto the deck, clearly expecting Maddie to follow her. Two cushioned Adirondack chairs sat side by side facing the ocean. Maddie cast an eye back at her sleeping son before following Sofi outside.
“He’s sweet. And the spitting image of you like you said.” Sofi settled herself onto the chair, pulling her feet up under her.
“He’s even sweeter when he’s awake.” Maddie couldn’t help but smile. She wasn’t one of those moms that insisted her kid was special. All kids were special to someone. But Mateo was a champ. He was funny and patient and cute.
“I bet. I didn’t know about him. I mean, you kind of dropped out of sight. I didn’t know what happened to you after they…” Sofi hesitated. “After you stopped with music, I mean.”
“After the record company dropped me? You can say it. It’s not like it’s a secret.” It had hurt at the time, but Maddie no longer felt any bitterness about it.
“I’m sorry.” Sofi cast her eyes down.
“I’m not.”
“Really?”
“Really. I’m happier now. I think it was all a bit too much for me, being watched, judged, controlled. I like my privacy. And being able to do the things I want to do. And I have Mateo now so it’s good to be doing something more stable.” She shrugged. “I mean, it’s a good career for some people. It’s obviously been great for you, but I don’t think it was ever good for me. Daya says it took her a long time to decide to give it up, because she didn’t know what else to do. Getting dropped by the record company made the decision easy for me.”
“You still see Daya?” Sofi sounded surprised.
“Now that I’m back in Miami. Not so much before I came home.”
“I saw her and Suzy a couple of years back. At an awards show, Suzy was performing and presenting in a category I was nominated in. We all said hi, but it was obvious they still weren’t ready to talk to me. It was awkward as hell. I don’t know what I expected, but I guess I hoped after so long that we—” She shrugged and her expression closed suddenly. “Do we have things we need to do? Questions you need me to answer. Samples, photos, whatever else. I only have till noon.” She was all business now, the softness gone.
Maddie had come to tell Sofi she couldn’t do the project. But as Sofi gazed across at her expecting an answer, she just couldn’t seem to find the words.
“Sure. Let me get my stuff.”
Sofi was leaving today and wouldn’t be back for months. She could be finished before she got back. How much hurt could they cause each other in a couple of hours? She went to fetch her briefcase from the jeep.
* * *
Sofia felt the news that Daya and Maddie had stayed friends like a small stab in her heart. The four of them had been close when they were in the band. Daya was the first person they’d told about their relationship and she and Suzy had covered for them so many times in the beginning when they were hiding being together. And so many other times when they weren’t hiding being together well enough. Leaving the band had meant losing Maddie, but she’d lost Daya and Suzy too. And the way they’d all banded together against her, to tell the world lie after lie about her, had hurt her so damn much.
She caught movement inside the house. Mateo appeared in the doorway. He had hold of the blanket and looked sleepy and confused.
“Your mama has just gone outside to get something. She’ll be back soon. Want to sit in this big chair and wait for her?”
Mateo eyed her warily before shuffling across to climb onto the chair.
“I’m Sofia. So-fia.” She held out a hand for him to shake. “Would you like a drink, sweetie?”
“Fia.” He said her name, sort of, and nodded. He was adorable.
“And maybe you want to watch some Peppa Pig while you’re waiting?” He nodded even more vigorously at that. Peppa Pig had been her niece’s favorite cartoon at his age.
She played the video, handed him her phone, and headed into the kitchen.
“He woke up. He’s outside watching a cartoon.” Sofia spoke as soon as Maddie came into the house, not wanting her to panic.
“Oh God, I’m sorry. This is not very professional of me. Maybe I should go and come back another time.”
“I only have today. You can come back if you like, but you’ll have to do it with my mom if you do.” Sofia hoped the mention of her mom would encourage Maddie to stay. “Maybe it’s better if we just try to do what we need to. He seems happy watching cartoons.” She pointed at the cup in her hand. “I was gonna do that peppermint tea.” Sofia couldn’t understand why, but she wanted them to stay, wanted it more than anything she’d wanted in a very long time. She turned away, waiting for Maddie to say no and leave. Like she had done before.
“Okay.”
“Was it the idea of working with my mom that made you say yes?” Sofia was happy that Maddie had said yes. She and her mom had never gotten along. Her mom hadn’t wanted Sofia to be gay, and it didn’t matter how often Sofia made it plain it didn’t work that way, she had blamed Maddie for it.
“Mostly that.” Maddie smiled back at her, and Sofia felt something inside her shift. She needed to be careful. She told herself it was just one morning, it was a chance for closure, but she didn’t believe a word of it. She was enjoying being close to Maddie, enjoying seeing her with her son. It was a dangerous game she was playing.
Mateo had settled back on the couch under the blanket. He had the cartoon playing on the phone in his lap. Sofia watched Maddie as she returned to the deck and sat down. She really was beautiful.
“Will you and Noah have kids do you think?”
The question was completely unexpected. Maddie’s expression was completely neutral. But Sofia couldn’t believe that Maddie, of all people, thought that she and Noah were a real couple. Sure, she’d dated guys before they got together, but she was young then, she didn’t know herself. And Noah was an empty-headed jerk. Surely Maddie knew her better than to think he was at all her type.
“No, not really.” She didn’t know what else to say. The contract she’d signed with Noah meant both of them had to keep their arrangement confidential and the penalty for breaching it was eye-watering.
“You don’t want kids?”
“It’s not that. It’s…” What could she say? I’d love to have kids, but Noah is one of those PR stunts I swore I would never lower myself to do after leaving the band and I haven’t had a real relationship since you left me. It was the truth, but it was a completely humiliating truth. “I guess I’m just very focused on my career right now.” It was the same pathetic sounding answer she had given Eduardo, but it felt a lot worse saying it to Maddie.<
br />
“Yeah, of course you are.” Maddie’s tone wasn’t as harsh as the words suggested, but Sofia still felt defensive.
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing. Just that you always were very focused on your career.”
“I like working, what’s so wrong with that? I’ve had some great experiences, some really great moments, my fans have been so loyal. I’m lucky to still be doing this.” It was mostly true. She had been happy to work hard, to chase chart success. But she had also done all that because she had nothing else in her life after Maddie had turned her back on her. She didn’t need to explain herself to Maddie.
“There’s nothing wrong with it. You knew what you wanted, you went for it. And you succeeded. Good for you. Not everyone has that single-minded focus.”
The words were unmistakably double-edged.
“You sound like you’ve got something you want to get off your chest.” Sofia tensed. There were a lot of things they’d never had the chance to talk about, a lot of hurtful things they could say to each other.
“I don’t. I didn’t come here to talk about the past. I like living in the present. I find it more reliable and a lot less painful.” Maddie sounded tense. Sofia had been naive to think they could simply catch up like old friends.
“I’m pretty sure none of us want to live in the past. It wasn’t good to me either.” Sofia wanted to be angry, to tell Maddie all the ways she had caused her pain. But face-to-face, it was hard, and all the things she’d imagined saying wouldn’t come.
She saw a flash of regret pass across Maddie’s face.
“Look, I’m sorry for even bringing it up. It’s got nothing to do with me, and my opinion doesn’t matter one little bit. Maybe we should just get back to my questionnaire.” Maddie pointed at her iPad and ran an anxious hand through her hair before continuing. “If you want the truth, I came here to tell you that I couldn’t do the work, because of the past…because of all this…” She used her finger to point into the space between them. “I was gonna lie and say that something else had come up, recommend a different designer.”
Not This Time Page 6
