“I wasn’t well then either. I didn’t eat for weeks. I couldn’t sleep the night through for months. I don’t remember you caring about me then.” Sofia had to say it now that she had started. It was like a lid had come loose. “And even when I thought I was doing better, hearing a song, seeing a clip of you guys on TV, going to any place we’d ever been together, killed me all over again.” Sofia paused to try to compose herself. “You walked away from our relationship and left me with nothing. And now that this career is all I have, you’re judging me for being too committed to it? Well, you’ve got a lot of nerve.”
She walked from the dining table to the couch and sat, trying to calm herself, wanting some actual distance between them. It was ridiculous to think they could have a chat and some food and none of this would surface.
“You really think you’re the victim here? There was no ‘relationship’ for me to walk away from, Sofi. You’d already betrayed everything we had. You spent months planning to leave without telling me. Registering your face, your name as a trademark, setting up the websites, even having merchandise made. And all of that behind my back, while pretending to my face that you loved me, that you were going to stay for me, that we would have something even if you left.” She stopped and closed her eyes. “I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted to think better of you, but when they showed us the proof, showed us that you’d just used us, biding your time until you were ready, I just felt so fucking stupid.”
Sofia had heard all this before. It had been in the press release the band had issued about her leaving. It had been easy to deny because it wasn’t true. But she’d had no idea that it was what Maddie actually believed.
“So yeah, I walked away and we pushed you out, but you deserved it. And our record company made it clear that the only way the band would survive was if we went public straight away and blamed you for leaving. Every time I felt bad about it, every time I thought about calling you, I remembered how you’d used us.” Maddie sat down next to her. “I didn’t care if the band survived—I didn’t care about much at the time—I just felt pathetic for ever trusting you.”
“Felix did do some of those things—the trademark, the merchandise—but he did them without my permission, without my knowledge. I can’t make you believe me if you don’t want to, but everything I said to you was true. Before you guys announced I was quitting the band, I’d already told Felix I wasn’t going to leave, that I’d wait till you were ready.” Sofia needed Maddie to know. “I meant it when I said you meant more to me than a solo career, and I couldn’t understand how you could just walk out on me, ignore me, and then hate on me the way you all did.” Sofia hesitated for a second and then decided they’d only have one chance to say this to each other. “I figured I must not have meant very much to you for you to let them stab me in the back and walk away like that.”
“I didn’t know it wasn’t true. And it didn’t feel like I was the one walking away.” Maddie sounded like she was fighting to keep her composure, and Sofia had the impulse to reach for her, to hold her. It was crazy.
“How could you think I’d lie to you like that? After everything we’d been through. You believed them and you didn’t even give me a chance to explain.”
Maddie put her head in her hands, when she looked back up at Sofia, she had tears in her eyes.
“I just didn’t know what to do. It all happened so fast. They told us all this stuff you’d done, they already had the press release ready. They said we had to strike first, and they made it clear we shouldn’t have any contact with you. And I was a mess. I wasn’t thinking straight at all. I just kept thinking that you and I had been a lie and I hadn’t even realized. It hurt. I felt like I’d been hit by a truck.”
“Maddie.” Sofi didn’t know what to say. She’d felt exactly the same way.
“When I listened to your album, it was the first time that I really thought maybe I’d gotten it wrong. Every song made it clear how hurt you’d been, how let down you felt. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so raw.”
“I had to write about it. It was all I could think about.”
“I felt so ashamed of myself for letting you go so easily, and hearing the album made me want to speak to you, to at least say I was sorry. But then I heard you telling everyone it was about some guy who had broken your heart, heard you telling all these stories about the songs that I knew couldn’t be true and it made me doubt you all over again. Daya told me I shouldn’t assume the album was about me, that maybe you were just writing an album that you thought would win you a Grammy. I didn’t want to believe her, but it’s what happened.” Sofia could see the set of her jaw as Maddie fought to keep her composure.
“That album wasn’t about winning a Grammy. It was all I could write, all I could think about. I couldn’t write anything else, and everyone was so impatient for me to release something. In the end I stopped fighting it and let it all out, poured everything I felt about losing you into those songs. They hated it, but they couldn’t stop me from releasing it.”
Maddie’s forehead creased. “But why tell everyone it was about some guy? It made what had happened between us feel even more like a lie.”
“What did you expect me to say?” She hadn’t expected to ever have this conversation, but now that they’d started she wanted to say what needed to be said, what they should have said all those years before. “I wrote about being left, about being hurt. How could I have told the truth about who it was about without dragging us both out of the closet?” Sofia held Maddie’s gaze, challenging, pushing her. “And we’d always said we didn’t want that, that we didn’t need people knowing about us.” She had wanted to say this so many times.
“We couldn’t have said anything, even if we had wanted to. They wouldn’t let us.”
“They wouldn’t have let us while we were in the band, but I was leaving. I was signing a new contract. I had asked for more freedom. Maybe we could have found a way, especially if you’d gone solo too. I offered to stay for you, Mads, but I thought that, even if we’d both gone solo, we could have found a way to keep going, to maybe even love each other out in the open. I thought love was enough and I would have accepted whatever loving you did to my career. It took me a long time to realize it, but eventually, I had to accept that our relationship just didn’t mean enough for you to stay with me.”
“That’s not true,” Maddie blurted out the words. “I thought—”
“That I was a calculating bitch who’d used you until I was ready to cast you aside. I know, I get it.” She rubbed her temples. The headache was coming back.
“You have no idea what listening to that album did to me.” Maddie was close to tears.
“Do you have any idea what writing it, performing it over and over, did to me?” Sofia’s voice cracked as she spoke. She waited before continuing, wanting to compose herself. “I wanted to tell people about you, about what had happened. I hated pretending it was about someone else. But I knew you’d hate me if I did. And I really couldn’t bear the idea of you hating me any more than you already did. So I lied, and I haven’t stopped lying since. It’s pathetic.” She wiped the tears from her eyes and slumped back in her seat. Sofia had lost all her courage when she lost Maddie. And she’d willingly climbed into a different cage as a result. It was easier to live that way.
“Can we start again?” Maddie said the words quietly. “I mean, can we try at least?”
“What would starting again look like, Mads?” She kept her tone neutral not daring to let Maddie see the hope that bubbled up inside her.
“I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to argue. And I don’t want to have to avoid you, and I definitely don’t want to see us both getting upset talking about the past. I quite liked the eating croquetas together part.”
There was sadness in Maddie’s eyes, and Sofia appreciated her trying to find a way for them to stop and get past this. She had another impulse to hug her, wanting to be held.
Not even the mention of Noah, which pricked at her like the shameful secret it was, could ruin the moment for Sofia. Maddie was offering her an olive branch, a chance to be in her life again, however fleeting and however difficult. She should have retreated, should have been worried by just how much she wanted it.
“I would love that.” She had never grabbed at anything so fast.
Maddie smiled at her and it was like she had been plugged into a power pack. She felt the charge in every corner of her body.
“Now get back under the covers,” Maddie lifted them and pointed, “and let me go and paint stripes on your bedroom walls.”
Sofia couldn’t stop herself from yawning deeply.
“You still seem wiped out.” Maddie’s voice was calmer now and the cadence of it washed over Sofia like a soothing hot shower.
“I am. I’m not sleeping well. I’m always not sleeping well, you know me.” She shrugged, unable to stop herself from remembering the times they’d been on tour when she’d found it hard to sleep and Maddie would soothe her by stroking her hair, letting her fall asleep on her chest. The memory made Sofia feel warm in her core but also a little sad for what they had lost. Maddie was gazing at her intently. Her expression suggesting she might have been remembering the same thing.
“I should get to work.” Maddie stood. “I only have an hour before I have to collect Mateo.” The change of mood was abrupt. Sofia almost heard the shutter come down.
“Sure.” She couldn’t help but feel a little sorry. “I’ll be the sad sack dozing on the couch if you need me.”
“You’d better be.” Maddie gave her a half smile before picking up her materials and heading up the stairs.
Sofia watched her go, shaking her head at how upside down her life felt. She’d been bored, tired, and lonely a week ago. And now she was what? Confused. Conflicted. Contemplative. She lay down wondering if counting “c” words was a better way to sleep than counting sheep.
Chapter Eight
Maddie was waiting to be served and watching Mateo wading through the ball pit, a huge grin on his face as he picked up and threw to one side every yellow ball he could see. Daya was sitting on the side, encouraging him by pointing them out. There were thousands of balls in the pit, and hundreds of them were yellow. She wondered how long it would take the two of them to get bored.
She carried the tray to their table and couldn’t help but laugh as Mateo, inspired by the sight of the ice cream, began clumsily clambering toward their side of the pit, all thoughts of separating out the yellow balls erased by the idea of chocolate fudge ice cream. Yep, he was definitely just like her. Daya lifted him out when he got close enough and sat him next to her, tucking a napkin inside the collar of his T-shirt.
“You’re getting pretty good at that. Maybe you should get one of your own.” Maddie sipped her coffee.
“I told you, my brand is super cool auntie. No sleepless nights, no stretch marks, just being cool and idolized.” Daya spoke in between mouthfuls of bright green pistachio gelato. “And I’m too busy. I just know this business will turn its back on me the minute I squeeze into a maternity smock.”
“You sound like Sofi.” Maddie regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth.
Daya licked her spoon, looking at Maddie with confusion.
“You talked to Sofi?”
She nodded.
“Damn.” Daya clasped her hand over her mouth as Mateo looked up at her. “Sorry, for the curse word, buddy.”
“I think he stops hearing words when he’s in the vicinity of ice cream.” Maddie leaned across to stroke Mateo’s head.
“When and how the actual heck did that happen?” Daya leaned forward.
“I’m redesigning her house.”
Maddie waited for the barrage of questions. When Daya said nothing, she filled in the space.
“I didn’t know it was her house when I pitched for it, obviously.” She paused. “Did you see what happened to her?”
“The fainting? Sure, it’s a good bit of PR. Everyone’s talking about the tour and whether she’ll make it. Of course she will, but there’s a buzz about it now that wasn’t there before, so good job her PR team.”
“It’s not like that. She’s genuinely exhausted. She hasn’t had any time off for years. You know what that’s like. And now she’s talking about going to Europe in three days and that’s not what the doctors advised. And I feel like I’m the only one who thinks that’s crazy.”
“So you saw Sofia—the woman who broke your heart—for the first time in a hundred years, and you already talked about her not daring to have babies and decided you’re the only one who cares about how tired she is.” Daya frowned. “And all this in the two weeks since I last saw you?”
Maddie sighed. Put like that, it did sound a little crazy.
“It’s weird, I know.”
“It’s weird all right.” Daya leaned over and wiped ice cream from Mateo’s face. She really was a natural with kids. “And not good at all.” She fixed Maddie with a skeptical gaze. “She’s really not well? I honestly assumed it was a PR stunt. Suzy said that her PR people wanted her to pretend to go to rehab last year, but she persuaded them to let her do Dancing with the Stars instead. This is a sick business sometimes.”
“She’s all right. But she needs to rest. She really does. And…” She made herself not say it, knowing Daya would think she’d really lost it.
“And?”
“She seems unhappy. I don’t think it’s just because of me. I mean we talked about the past, it wasn’t fun, not at all. But it seems like something else. Like she’s a little lost.”
“Sure you’re not just seeing what you want to, babe? You always tried to protect her, always saw the best in her.”
“And you always saw the worst. There were so many times when I almost called her in those first few weeks and you told me not to, and sometimes I wish I hadn’t listened to you quite so much. If I’d called, if she’d explained the way she explained it to me this week—” It was too painful to think about could-have-beens. “I’m not trying to protect her. I’m just telling you what I saw. Whatever else happened between us, I know her pretty damn well and she’s not in a good space.”
“Babe, I was the one who protected you from her, from more lies and more hurt. But if you want to think I cost you a chance at happiness with her, I can’t stop you. Whatever she said to you, whatever she hoped, you guys were never going to make it. The focus groups would have told her what a PR disaster being with you would be, and we both know that she’d never do anything that would come between her and her precious career. At best you’d have been her dirty little secret.” Daya shrugged.
Maddie couldn’t think of a thing to say. Daya was being harsh, but she couldn’t really say that she was wrong. Apart from that first album, Sofi hadn’t made a risky move in the last five years and now she even had the perfect pop star boyfriend. There would have been no place for Maddie in a life like that.
“But since you’re in Miami and she’s in Miami and you’re working on her house, should I be worried that you’re gonna get sucked in again?”
“No. It’s not like that.” Maddie tested the truthfulness of her response in her own mind. She thought it was mostly true. “She just seems a little bit like she needs a friend. She seems lonely. And Noah…” She almost stopped herself from continuing but decided this was Daya, and it didn’t matter if she sounded a little stupid. “Noah seems mostly absent. He’s not living with her and he hasn’t even been to see her. If that was me, and she’d collapsed, I wouldn’t have left her side.”
Maddie pulled Mateo onto her lap, but he wriggled away, clearly anxious to get back to his yellow ball quest. She lifted him i
nto the pit and he toddled off happily. When she returned her attention to the table, she found Daya frowning at her.
“Number one, it’s absolutely not your job to be worrying about the state of Sofia’s relationship. I saw them on some Mr. and Mrs. quiz show thing the other week and they seemed very happy together. And number two,” she ticked the points off her fingers, “you sound to me like you need to be careful with your feelings. I get that you want to do the work, but you can’t seriously be thinking of letting her back into your life?”
Maddie had seen the same show. At least, she’d seen some of it, before the laughing and flirting between them had made her turn it off. And she wanted to defend Sofi, believing that, despite everything, she was a good person. But she really didn’t want to hear Daya remind her of all the reasons why she wasn’t.
“I’m not letting her back in. I’m hanging out with her because I’m working on the house. I’m just saying that Noah is away touring and she seems like she could use a friend right now. That’s all. I guess it doesn’t even have to be me.”
“Well, it ain’t gonna be me.” As Daya muttered the words, a yellow ball skittered across their table and almost took out both their coffee cups.
“Mateo,” Maddie and Daya called his name in unison.
“Don’t make me come in there and dunk you.” Daya reached down to remove her shoes as Mateo chuckled and let himself fall backward into the balls.
“You’re taking this cool auntie stuff kinda seriously.” Maddie laughed as Daya stepped into the pit.
“On the contrary, babe, I’m not taking it seriously at all.” She knelt down and pretended to swim through the balls toward a Mateo who was now squealing with delight.
Maybe Daya was right to be worried about Maddie being around Sofi again. Maddie threw the yellow ball back into the ball pit. She wished it was just as easy to throw away her worries about Sofi.
Not This Time Page 9
