Chapter Nine
Maddie didn’t see the group of photographers until she had pulled up outside of Sofi’s house. They descended upon the jeep without warning. She hadn’t been ambushed by paparazzi in a very long time, but as they pointed their lenses in her direction, the clicking and shouting brought back the familiar feeling of being invaded—except this time she had Mateo with her, and the desire to tell them to piss off and leave her alone was even stronger. She considered fleeing, forgetting all about her impulsive mercy mission, but she wanted to check on Sofia, and—she let herself admit it—she simply wanted to see her.
She picked Mateo up and settled him on her hip. “It’s okay, sweetie, they’re just taking our photo.” She kissed his cheek before scooping up the large bag of groceries and slamming the door shut with her foot.
“Here to see Sofia?”
“How’s she doing?”
“Who are you?”
“What did you buy for her?”
“Who’s that kid? Is he related to Sofia?”
The questions came thick and fast. She ignored them and walked steadily toward the front door.
“Madison? How come you and Sofia are hanging out again?” One voice cut through the noise, someone who had recognized her. She turned slowly toward the voice. It was a woman, wearing a beanie and a flannel shirt. It was unusual, photographing celebrities out on the street like this was almost exclusively a man’s game. “Are you guys discussing a reunion? Is the band reuniting? Is that your kid? Can I get a picture?” She might have been a woman, but her rude questions and nonstop snapping were every bit as annoying as the men.
Maddie turned away from the voice and pressed the doorbell with her elbow, trying to ignore the knot in her stomach that the woman’s questions had caused. Back when they had been together—in the band and as a couple—the questions about her and Sofia had been persistent and unnerving. At first, they had laughed the speculation away, played up to it even, with flirting and hints. But when they had started their relationship, and when the record company found out and made it clear they had to hide it, Sofia had gotten spooked. She had stopped flirting with Maddie, stopped sitting next to her even, and she’d even taken on one of the fake boyfriends they’d arranged for them, despite swearing she never would. The tension had caused arguments between them, with each of them thinking the other was ashamed of the relationship and neither of them having the courage to do anything about it. Maddie wasn’t ever ashamed of loving Sofi, but being together out in the open just wouldn’t have been possible while they were in the band. The vultures outside Sofi’s house proved that.
“Maddie. What are you doing here?” The cameras burst into action as soon as Sofi opened the door, still dressed in the sweatpants and T-shirt that she’d been wearing earlier in the day. She looked pale, with dark half circles under her eyes. Maddie felt a rush of affection for her. And a jolt of unexpected attraction. She made herself try some words.
“I brought you some food.” She tilted her head in the direction of the groceries.
“Come inside quick. Those guys just arrived. They don’t normally bother me here. I thought we’d kept this place off their radar, but obviously not.” She waved a hand toward the photographers, looking stressed before ushering Maddie and Mateo into the house and slamming the door shut.
“I just thought…” She handed the bag to Sofi. “You said your fridge was empty. And I was passing by.” She lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. “Kind of.”
Sofia looked at the bag and then back at Maddie. “You didn’t have to do that.” Her eyes clouded slightly. “But thank you.” Maddie could hear the upset in her voice.
“Hey.” Without thinking, she put a hand on Sofi’s arm. “Are you okay?”
“I guess. Too much time to think maybe.” Sofi forced a smile. “Hey, buddy. Want something to drink?” Mateo nodded.
Maddie followed Sofi into the kitchen and watched her unpack the groceries before she handed Mateo a carton of juice.
“Want some adult juice?” Sofi held up a half empty bottle of white wine. “Doc told me to hydrate, I figured this counted.” She pulled a sheepish face and Maddie couldn’t help but smile.
“Small one.” She pointed at Mateo, now wandering along by the window looking out at the sea. “He refuses to be the designated driver. So selfish. And anyway we should let you rest. I just wanted to drop some food by, not disturb you.”
They were awkward together. Careful, formal. It was sensible in the circumstances, but it bothered Maddie in a way she hadn’t expected.
“You’re not disturbing me, not at all. I needed company. I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out what to do. Felix said he needs to let people know if I’m gonna cancel dates.” She handed Maddie a half-filled wine glass and crossed to the couch.
Maddie followed and so did Mateo. Surprising her, he sat next to Sofi happily. He usually took longer to get comfortable with new people.
Sofi stood, lifted the lid on a small chest next to one of the pristine armchairs near the far wall, and pulled out a box of colored bricks. She emptied them out onto the rug in front of them.
“My niece visits sometimes. My sister left these last time. Are they okay for Mateo?”
Maddie nodded as Mateo clambered off the couch and onto the floor. Sofi joined him, her legs stretched out and her back against the couch, and she had no choice but to sit back and watch her son and the woman she had once imagined loving for the rest of her life, building a colorful rectangular tower together. The universe was throwing her one hell of a curve ball.
“What did you decide?” She found her voice. “About the shows.”
She wanted Sofia to cancel them, to cancel some of them at least. To stay home and rest properly. Because she cared about her health. She wasn’t prepared to face up to the fact that at least part of it was because she also wanted to see more of her, didn’t want this new connection between them to end before it even got started.
“I didn’t. I want to go—I need to go—but I still don’t feel great. And I realized today—” Sofi turned a blue brick over and over in her fingers, facing forward, avoiding Maddie’s gaze. “I’m sorry. You don’t need to hear me griping about my first world problems.”
“I asked, Sofi.”
Sofi turned her head to look up at her. “I realized it’s not just that I’m tired—I mean I am tired obviously, but nothing a few more days of rest and sleep wouldn’t fix. It’s not that.” Her expression was a questioning one, as if she was deciding whether to continue. Maddie got down on the floor, mirroring Sofi’s position. She reached across and stroked the back of Mateo’s head.
“Go on.”
Sofi took a big swallow of her wine. “It’s like I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of the photographers, I’m tired of answering the same questions over and over, and I’m tired of talking about myself, of the bullsh—” She clasped a hand to her mouth and mouthed a “sorry” in Maddie’s direction. Maddie waved the apology away. She wanted Sofi to continue, wanted to hear her thoughts.
“I’m tired of talking BS, saying things I don’t even believe, acting all dumb and cutesy because it’s what everyone wants to see, because it’s my ‘persona.’ And this is the crazy part, I’m tired of not having any of the things I really want.” She raised her eyebrows and pulled a face. “Says the millionaire with two Grammys who has the career she always dreamed of. I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help feeling I’ve lost my way and that maybe this whole falling down thing is a wakeup call, a chance to feel less lost.”
Mateo chose that moment to knock over the tower and Sofi busied herself replacing the bricks that had come loose. Maddie wanted to say something, something reassuring and affirming, but she didn’t know what. She didn’t know what Sofi meant, not really. She didn’t know this Sofi at all. The vibe she was giving off was an unhappy one, slightly bitter and, yes, kinda lost. It seemed like exactly the right word for Sofi to use.
“I think you
need a lot more rest. And I definitely don’t think you should do that festival. I can see how tired you are, how pale. Your eyes…” Maddie felt nervous, stupid even, she didn’t know if she even had the right to say it, “they don’t have their usual sparkle.” She shrugged. “I don’t know about the rest of it, but maybe taking a bit more of a break will give you the chance to figure it out. Maybe it won’t feel so confusing then.” Maddie picked up one of the yellow bricks that Mateo had separated out and piled up next to her knee. Her son really hated the color yellow.
Sofi nodded at her, an earnest expression on her face.
“What did it feel like? When you walked away from the business?”
“I didn’t walk away, Sofi. I was dropped—from a great height. And nothing about it felt good. I didn’t have music, I didn’t have Mateo then, I didn’t have anything really.” Maddie didn’t like to think about it. “I wasn’t ready for it to stop as soon as it did, and I didn’t exactly handle it well. Don’t tell me you didn’t read about that.” Maddie’s downward slide had been well documented, her stumbling out of clubs with a different woman, or man, on her arm, was an embarrassingly regular feature of the entertainment websites.
“I saw some of it.” Sofi drained her glass. “I felt responsible somehow.”
“You weren’t.” Maddie’s response was immediate. “I made my own mistakes. It was hard to accept that I’d failed, that I’d misjudged things so badly, but it didn’t turn out too badly for me. I’ve got a job I love and a son I adore. I’m home finally and I feel settled.”
“It doesn’t look like you failed to me. I mean, like you say, you seem sorted, happy. It makes me think that, despite everything, I don’t really have a clue what ‘success’ looks like.”
Sofi chewed her lip anxiously and Maddie wanted to say something wise and reassuring, but everything she tried out in her head seemed wrong. Sofi seemed successful to her—she had Noah, she had her career, and everything she wanted at her fingertips.
“I saw Danny, I forgot to tell you. In Atlanta, right before I fainted. I ended up getting changed in his dressing room. My pants split. Not my best day.” Sofi rolled her eyes. “Do you ever see him?”
“No. Not since we worked on that video together.”
“He’s friends with Noah. I didn’t even know. He acted like a jerk. I think I always thought he was a jerk, but maybe it was just the jealousy because you guys hooked up before we got together, when I was crushing on you hard, but couldn’t find a way to tell you. And I hate the idea of him and Noah being friends.” Her voice was a little slurred around the edges.
She got up and began to open a new bottle. Maddie wasn’t sure it was a good idea.
“Is it okay if I make some tea? And Mateo might like a lemonade.” She couldn’t help acting like a mom. She drove herself crazy with it. “Why don’t you join us?”
“Trying to manage my drinking, Mads?”
“Not exactly.” She had been, Sofi was right to call her on it. “Maybe a little bit. Sorry.” She held up her hands.
“Don’t be. I kind of like it. Shows you care.” Sofi held her gaze and Maddie felt a little warm. “I just want to drink tonight. It’s been a weird week. I’m not going to develop a problem. Don’t worry, I’m far too sensible for that. Don’t I always do the sensible thing? I bore myself constantly. I never had your rebellious streak.”
“Well, I never had your courage.” Maddie hadn’t meant to say it out loud. Whatever else she felt about Sofi leaving the band, it had been gutsy to be the one to get out first.
“Courage?” Sofi scoffed at the word. “I don’t feel very courageous right now. The opposite actually. And anyway, I wasn’t the one who came out as bisexual to the whole world with an open letter attacking the president of the United States for his stance on LGBTQ rights. You got so much flak for it, but I was so proud of you.” She poured herself another glass of wine and returned to the couch, sitting with her feet underneath her. “Though if I’m being white-wine-honest, I was upset that you were willing to come out for Lara but not for us.”
“Are you serious?” She couldn’t believe Sofi had said it. “I didn’t come out ‘for Lara.’ I had no choice. She was about to out me—she had pictures of us, texts, and a website ready to run the whole story. I had to get ahead of it. I didn’t want to come out, but I had to. So I tried to do some good with it. I was terrified, I assumed it would be the end of my career. And I suppose it was, in a way. It was definitely the end for me and Lara. I was mad as hell at letting myself get played by her. And the only silver lining was that the record company paid her to go away.”
“I didn’t know that. I just thought you and she broke up.” The way Sofi was looking at her made Maddie pause.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Maddie didn’t believe she had nothing to say, but Mateo chose that moment to turn to Sofi. “Peppig?” He placed his tiny hands on her leg. “Peppig pleeezey.” Sofi looked at Maddie and raised an eyebrow.
“He wants to watch a show.”
“I know that. I wanted to check it was okay.”
Maddie looked at her watch. “He should eat soon, but sure, he’s okay for a while. If you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.” Sofi reached down the side of the couch and pulled out a small tablet. She found a video and held the tablet out for Mateo. Rather than taking it, he climbed onto her lap. Maddie saw her surprise and was going to ask Mateo to climb down, but Sofi settled them into a comfortable position before pulling a blanket across them both. Maddie couldn’t help the swelling in her heart. She was happy that Mateo liked Sofi and happier still that Sofi liked Mateo. She didn’t know what it meant but she knew it made her happy.
“I would have, eventually I mean.”
Sofi looked at her with confusion.
“I would have come out for you if we’d stayed together after the band split. I know it’s what you wanted. It was just so hard to do it while we were in the band—and not just because the record company wouldn’t let us. We were constantly watched. Every look, every gesture was examined, analyzed. I couldn’t stand it. But, after I came out, I realized people were not even all that interested. It was the discomfort, the lies, the secrecy that got them excited—once it was out in the open, it was no fun for them and they moved on to the next sucker.”
“Did it really cost you your career, do you think?”
It was something Maddie had thought about often.
“That’s pretty much what the record company told me when they dropped me. They said I was ‘no longer marketable’ to my intended audience,” Maddie wrapped the words in quotes, “and they weren’t willing to wait around to see if I could grow a new set of fans. They said they’d tried. I’m not so sure.” She shrugged. “I was a nightmare to deal with then to be honest. I wasn’t working hard, I was drinking too much, and I resisted singing what they wanted me to sing. I won’t ever know what really made them give up on me, but, since I didn’t have anything like the kind of freedom in my solo contract that you managed to get in yours, it was probably for the best.”
Sofi looked pale and Maddie had the feeling she’d said the wrong thing again. A beat passed between them, and Maddie waited for Sofi to finally say what it was she was trying not to say. She’d never been good at not saying things.
“Hey, look.” She felt Sofi’s hand grab at her thigh and then point at the TV. Sofi grabbed for the remote to turn on the sound as Maddie found herself looking at her own image, hearing her own voice. It was her final single, the one that hadn’t sold well, the one her manager had told her wouldn’t sell but which she’d wanted them to release anyway.
“I love this song.” Sofi still had her hand on Maddie’s leg. She felt the heat of it. Sofi was singing along to the video, not getting a word or a beat wrong, captivated by the TV. “You sound so good.” Sofi didn’t look at Maddie, even when she spoke. It was like she was talking to the TV. “And this video is amazing. I was so blown away with
it at the time.”
She watched Sofi watch the screen. The song was nearing its end and the video had an ending that some music channels wouldn’t show. Maddie, wearing just her underwear, under a long leather coat, in a passionate clinch with a woman dressed head to toe in biker leathers, the two of them kissing before cutting to Maddie being driven off into the night on the back of the woman’s motorcycle. She held her breath, not sure if she wanted the station to cut off the ending or show it so she could see Sofi’s reaction.
On the TV, she saw herself framed in the doorway of a house in sexy underwear. She looked pretty good, but it was impossible not to feel embarrassed. She had tried, and failed, to find a more adult audience for her music.
Next to her on the couch, Sofi shifted slightly, her gaze moving from the TV to Maddie. She raised one eyebrow and let out a soft “damn” in Maddie’s direction, holding her gaze for just an instant before looking back to the TV. She felt the temperature in the room rise by about twenty degrees.
As TV-Maddie moved into the arms of biker woman for their kiss, she moved her own gaze to Sofi again. Sofia’s bottom lip was now caught between her teeth, her eyes wide, her body still, and her breath held. As the kiss deepened, Sofi swallowed, and as the tracking shot showed Maddie riding off into the night on the bike, the commercials intruded. Sofi exhaled and turned to Maddie, her eyes darker than their normal shade. She waited. She wasn’t sure for what. They held each other’s gaze until Sofi lowered her eyes.
“I might learn to ride a motorbike.” Sofi said the words quietly, sounding serious, but then she raised her eyebrows and smiled. “I could give rides.” She tilted her head as if she was giving Maddie time to think about it. Maddie couldn’t help but laugh. The tension of the moment was gone.
“Is that the sweet innocent Sofia Flores flirting with me? While she has my child on her lap.” Maddie clutched a hand to her chest.
“Not necessarily.” Sofi’s eyes were shining. “I mean, I might just really want to learn to ride a motorcycle and it might have nothing to do with that video, with the idea of you sitting behind me.” She muttered the words “in your underwear” into her hand as she pretended to cover a cough. She grinned. “Maybe I’m just someone really in need of a new hobby.”
Not This Time Page 10
