Maddie was enjoying the banter, the alcohol-fueled flirting, and low down in her center was a tension, a wanting, that she recognized from times past. She tried to ignore it.
“I can’t see you on a motorbike. I guess it’s just hard for me to forget how much you squealed with terror when we all went go-carting that time and I don’t think you went over five miles an hour the whole way around. Suzy lapped you twice, and she can’t even drive.” She laughed. The memory was a happy one.
Sofi was looking at her intently with a serious expression on her face. The intensity of her gaze made Maddie feel things she hadn’t felt in a long time, things she didn’t want to feel sitting this close to Sofi, things she desperately missed feeling at the very same time.
“What?” She dared to ask Sofi the question.
“What what?” Sofi lobbed the ball right back at her, her eyes containing a challenge. She took a long drink of her wine.
“What are you thinking when you look at me like that?”
Sofi’s eyes widened in surprise. She had clearly not expected Maddie to ask that question. She didn’t know why she had. It wasn’t like her, and she didn’t even have the excuse of the alcohol.
“I was just thinking about how beautiful you are when you laugh.” Sofi didn’t continue until Maddie met her eyes. Maddie felt her insides liquefy—she couldn’t stop her body from reacting to Sofi’s comment, to her gaze. “And I was thinking about just how long ago it seems that we went go-carting.”
“It was.” Maddie felt a sadness about the loss of those days.
“But you’re right. I’m too terrified to ride a motorbike—whatever the motivation. Hell, who am I kidding, I’m probably still too terrified to drive a go-cart.”
They sat quietly for a few moments, Maddie willing herself to stop reacting every time Sofi looked at her. She was just being friendly, just teasing her, and she needed to get a grip.
“Was she a good kisser?” Sofi nodded at the TV screen where Miley Cyrus was now singing a ballad.
“I’ve never kissed Miley Cyrus.” She wondered if Sofia had heard a rumor that she hadn’t. “I’ve never even met her.”
Sofi turned to Maddie, her eyes dancing with amusement. “Not her, dummy. The biker woman in your video. That looked like a hot kiss.”
Maddie could see Mateo’s eyes closing. He was comfortable enough with Sofi to fall asleep in her lap.
“Was it your idea to put the kiss in the video or the director’s? Did you choose the woman yourself? Did you already know her?” She felt pinned to the couch by Sofi’s earnest gaze and her questions.
“I forgot how many questions you ask, and how damn personal they always are.” Sofi’s curiosity had always appealed to her, and the way she looked expectantly at Maddie, so open and intense, was impossible not to respond to.
“We shot that kiss about twelve times so I don’t think hot is the word I’d use. And that woman was so straight.” The memory was so clear to her. “I don’t know where they found her, but she was so freaked out at having to kiss a woman. I swear that she must have told me she had a boyfriend about ten times.” She raised her eyebrows. “And I’m pretty sure I heard her ask the lighting guy to lower the lighting a bit so she’d be less likely to be recognized. Not exactly good for the ego.”
“You should have gotten rid of her, Mads. Told her that there’d be dozens of women willing to take her place. Hundreds. Jeez, you looked so good, you had even me contemplating buying a motorbike.”
Maddie blushed at the compliment. She let herself enjoy the feeling of Sofi saying something nice to her, even as she understood it was the drink talking. Sofi looked at her then while biting her bottom lip, her eyes moving from Maddie’s face to her mouth. The gaze was unmistakably familiar, and Maddie felt the ground shift a little beneath her. The space between them was definitely feeling smaller than it had when they sat down.
“I directed it myself. Kind of.” She made herself keep talking, to keep answering the questions. She focused on the face of her now sleeping son, anything but the way that Sofi was staring at her. “I had help with the technical parts, but the story, the concept, the design was all mine. I drew all the storyboards. I loved it. As much as making the music. More actually.” She couldn’t help but feel proud.
“Wow. I had no idea.”
“Why would you?” Reality came barging in. Sofi had moved on, without ever really looking back, without wondering what Maddie was up to. Yet she had watched every move of Sofi’s, listened to every song, watched every video. She felt pathetic for staying so interested.
“I knew you’d directed that video of Danny’s. And that you’d done that documentary short on the Million Moms march—I loved that by the way—but I didn’t realize you’d made this video too.”
Maddie felt a lightness in her chest, a fluttering. Sofi had cared enough to keep track.
“Can I tell you something maybe I shouldn’t?” Sofi leaned closer, putting a hand on her arm. Maddie could smell the wine on her breath.
“Maybe not, I mean if you shouldn’t.”
“I mean, the people who want me to keep keeping secrets would tell me I shouldn’t, but I think I should. Though I need you to promise me something.”
“Not to tell anyone? Goes without saying.” Maddie shrugged. Sofi had been drinking and she should really put a stop to the conversation, take Mateo, and go home. But she couldn’t, she wanted this. The closeness, the intimacy, the confiding.
“Nope, I need you to promise not to judge me. And not to hate me.” Sofi closed her eyes briefly and tilted her head. “Please.”
Maddie nodded. Looking at Sofi, seeing how nervous she seemed, how beautiful she was, Maddie felt giddy. But unlike Sofi, she was stone cold sober.
“I hated you calling me courageous because I’m not. I’m a coward and a liar.” As she said the words, Sofi pulled her hand away and Maddie snaked out a hand to stop her, holding on to it.
“Sofi.” Maddie had no idea what to say.
“No judgment, you promised. I’m in a mess. And I need to put a stop to it, but it’s harder than it seems and I know you’re gonna hate me for it, you should, I kind of hate myself. But I promised myself that I was gonna be braver and more honest and I’d rather you heard it from me. Even if it ruins things, I need to stop doing things that make me unhappy, stop making decisions just because of my career. But I don’t know how, not really.” Sofi looked tense and she had turned pale.
“Are you okay? You don’t seem good.” Maddie reached for Mateo, taking him from Sofi and settling him on the adjacent armchair. She didn’t know if Sofi was going to be sick, but she wasn’t taking any chances. Sofi moved from the floor to the couch, her breathing now seeming a little erratic. Maddie moved to sit next to her, recognizing the signs.
* * *
Sofia felt the wave of panic moments before it hit. She leaned forward, putting her head down closer to her knees, taking in breaths as deeply as she could. Her chest felt like it was folding in two and her heart was racing, the sound of it whooshing in her ears. She couldn’t feel her hands or her feet. Maddie shuffled closer and Sofia felt Maddie’s hand on her back as she began to stroke it firmly and evenly, from the top of her spine to the bottom and back up again. She tried to focus on the feel of it, on the up and down movement, to breathe in time with the stroke. Maddie took her other hand and turned it over so that it was palm up on her thigh. She began the same rhythmic stroking movement, tracing her fingers from the center of Sofia’s palm, up her wrist and back again.
“Breathe, Sofi, just breathe. It’s okay, it’s all okay.”
Despite the pulsing in her head, she could hear Maddie telling her over and over that it was going to be all right. She gave in to the soft soothing sound of her voice, letting herself breathe in time with Maddie’s stroking. Sofia had had panic attacks back when they had been together in the band. And Maddie was doing everything she had done then to calm her down.
Slowly, she felt the cru
shing feeling in her chest lessen, her breathing became easier, and her vision and hearing cleared. She concentrated on the feel of Maddie’s fingers on her hand and wrist as she kept murmuring reassurances, not stopping the movement of her hands.
“It’s settling. But please don’t stop.” Sofia managed to squeeze out the words, wanting Maddie to know that what she was doing was working. Maddie kept on, and Sofia felt the tension, the panic, slowly dissipating. She felt able to lift her head and look at Maddie.
“Thank you.”
“It’s okay.” Maddie’s eyes contained tenderness and Sofia felt the warmth of it flood through her body.
Maddie moved to lie down on the couch and Sofia felt the loss of her touch like a chill.
“Come here.” Maddie patted the space next to her. Sofia didn’t hesitate. She lay side by side with Maddie on the couch. The panic had left her body; now she just felt tired and fragile.
“Turn on your side.” Maddie spoke softly and Sofia did as she was asked. The remaining tension in her body drained away completely as Maddie pressed herself along the length of her back, reaching her arm across Sofia’s body and taking hold of her hand, this time stroking it softly with her thumb.
Sofia nestled herself against Maddie, wanting to get as close as she could.
“Just relax, sleep if you can. Just for a little while.” Maddie murmured into her ear, her lips pressed close enough for Sofi to feel the words as well as hear them.
“Mateo?” Sofia felt so sleepy, she was surprised she remembered.
“He’s okay. He’s watching his cartoons.” Again, Sofia felt the welcome vibration of the words as Maddie’s lips brushed her ear as she spoke. “Just relax, baby.”
Sofia relaxed into the feeling of Maddie’s body pressed against her, at the wonder of Maddie calling her baby. She could feel the in and out movement of Maddie’s chest against her back, the gentle grip of her fingers, the movement of her thumb. She was alive to all of it.
Lying together like this felt strangely familiar for something they hadn’t done for so long. Maddie unlaced their fingers and moved her hand to gently brush away the wisps of hair on Sofia’s cheek. Sofia couldn’t stop her senses from responding to Maddie’s touch. She willed her body to calm down. The panic attacks she’d had in the past were when she was overloaded and not facing up to things. And Maddie had always been the one who helped her figure out where exactly the stress was coming from and how to deal with it. This time though, Maddie couldn’t help. Sofia had to find a way to end it with Noah and tell Maddie she’d been lying about him all along for the sake of her career. She’d told herself that the lie wouldn’t harm anyone, not really. But she didn’t expect Maddie to understand, or to approve. She felt her chest tighten. She concentrated on her breathing again.
“Wanna talk about where that came from?” Maddie spoke softly.
“No.” Sofia spoke quietly.
“It might help.”
“This is helping. This is what I need.” She pulled Maddie’s arm around her, wanting the closeness.
“Sofi.”
“I thought you of all people might guess, that I wouldn’t have to spell it out. I mean, we never labeled ourselves I guess, what we were, what we weren’t. It was illerivant…irrevelant…” The alcohol, mixed with the panic still buzzing in her brain, meant that Sofia couldn’t get the word out. “When we were together, I guess it didn’t matter. And it shouldn’t matter now either. But I just don’t want to tell lies any more. Especially not to you.” She stopped, too scared to say it, even with the alcohol. It wasn’t just that she’d signed a confidentiality agreement. She thought Maddie would think she was ridiculous and pathetic.
“I don’t understand.”
“Noah is a good guy. He really is. He’s sweet sometimes, and sometimes he’s really annoying, but that’s not my point—”
The chime of the doorbell sounded throughout the house. Sofia and Maddie both sat up. Mateo, startled by the noise, jumped off the chair and went to Maddie. She pulled him into her lap as Sofia went to answer the door. As soon as she opened it, the photographers began their chorus of shouts, their cameras clicking and whirring.
Noah reached for her and wrapped her in a big hug on the doorstep. She felt his lips on hers and she pushed at his chest, but his grip was too strong. In a shameful corner somewhere deep in her brain, she registered the photographers and the fact that they were being photographed and she stopped fighting him. But his kiss was not the kiss she wanted. He broke the embrace, put an arm around her waist, and steered her into the house, slamming the door behind them. Sofia let him lead her, not quite believing his timing.
“What are you doing here?”
He ignored her. “I need a key you know. I shouldn’t have to ring the bell and wait for my girlfriend to let me in. It’s not very conv—” Noah stopped talking as he caught sight of Maddie, now standing with Mateo in her arms next to the armchair.
Despite the awkwardness, the insane mess of it all, Sofia couldn’t help but be attracted to her. She remembered the feel of her fingers brushing her cheek, her breasts pushed against her back just moments ago. The arousal flooded her senses. She really was losing her grip on reality.
Noah looked from her to Maddie and back again.
“Madison Martin.” He said Maddie’s name in a way that sounded accusatory. “Well, I definitely wasn’t expecting to see you here.”
“Noah.” Maddie nodded, her expression guarded.
“Who’s this little guy?” He crossed to Maddie and patted Mateo on the head. Sofia watched as Maddie ever so slightly turned her body, and Mateo, away from him.
“This is Mateo, my son. We were just leaving, I just dropped by to bring some food for Sofi.”
“I didn’t know that you guys were back in touch.” Noah turned to her. “How did I not know that you’re hanging out with the band again?” He didn’t sound happy.
“Not the band. Just Madison. She’s working on the house. Her design company is doing the interior design while I’m away.” She didn’t want to explain herself to him, but with Maddie standing there, she didn’t want him to get angry enough to blurt anything out that she wasn’t ready to explain.
“At eight thirty with wine and her kid in tow? I wish that was the kind of ‘work’ I got paid for.”
“I’m heading out.” Maddie put Mateo down and took his hand.
“You don’t have to.” Sofia stepped closer. She didn’t want Maddie to go. She didn’t want their evening to end like this, and the idea of an evening with Noah brought the tension back into her chest. He would have to stay the night. The photographers had seen him arrive.
“Stay and have some tea. You said you wanted some. Eat some of that food you bought for me. It’s not late. Or we could go get takeout maybe.” Even as she said it, she understood how ludicrous she was being. How did she imagine an evening sitting between Noah and Maddie would unfold?
“I think you should let her go, babe. You need to rest.” Noah took a step toward the door, clearly expecting Maddie to follow, but for some reason, she didn’t move. Noah moved back to Sofia’s side, threading an arm around her waist. She couldn’t stop herself from stiffening. It wasn’t just his touch, it was Maddie’s gaze. “And I didn’t come all this way to see you, just to spend the night with these guys.” He turned to Maddie. “No offense meant.”
The look on his face was hostile. The offense was meant.
“Say good-bye to Sofia, Mateo.” Maddie moved closer to Sofia and Mateo held out his arms. Sofia gloried in the feel of his hug and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. The tenderness in Maddie’s eyes, coupled with the care she had shown Sofia earlier, made her feel emotional.
“I’ll see you tomorrow maybe. Call me if you need anything.” Maddie held Sofia’s gaze before heading for the door without a backward look at Noah.
As the door closed, Noah turned to her.
“Really? You’re hanging out with Madison again. That’s insane. Should I be wor
ried about you two?”
“I told you, she’s working on the house.” Sofia walked to the fridge and opened it, needing something to get her away from him. She felt too fragile for an argument but too annoyed by him to offer the reassurance he wanted. If they had actually been dating, the anger she felt toward him for ruining the intimacy of her evening with Maddie should definitely worry him. But they weren’t, and he had no right to question her. She took several breaths. “I wasn’t expecting you. Usually someone lets me know.” She tried not to say anything that would inflame him.
“I know.” He smiled, looking pleased with himself. “This visit was totally my idea and I didn’t even tell Felix. I wanted it to be a nice surprise. Your mom knew, no one else. You’re sick. I wanted to be here for you. I mean, that’s what I told the photographers on the way in, but it’s the truth as well. I’m worried about you.”
She gripped the fridge door a little harder to stop herself from reacting to his words. He had no right to just turn up and he knew it.
“Maybe you could go and get us some Chinese food. I’m starving, and all this,” she waved at the inside of the fridge, “needs to be prepared and I’m too tired to cook.” She wanted to eat the food Maddie had bought for her, but she wanted him gone more, if only for a short while.
“Sure.” He smiled at her. “I’d be happy to. Anything for my best girl.”
She was too tired to challenge him again. She would eat the food and use her “illness” as an excuse to go to bed early. And tomorrow she would speak to Felix about calling the whole thing off. Her anxiety about it was off the charts. It wasn’t just Noah’s behavior, it was Maddie. She made her call into question everything that she’d felt certain about. She felt more and more like she was on the edge of a cliff. She didn’t know if she was going to jump or fall, but either way it was terrifying.
Not This Time Page 11
