Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  Maddie looked uncomfortable rather than proud. Sofia didn’t understand. She was taking a risk, and a big part of it was to show Maddie she’d finally found some courage to be herself.

  “It was.” Sofia answered for her. “She came up with the whole thing. Rick loved it. I loved it. It’s awesome and exciting.” She tried to sound confident, but Maddie’s doubts were still written across her face, and they made Sofia worry.

  “You’re doing a video where you’re in love with a woman?” Noah had found his voice. “Are you fucking kidding?”

  “Yes and no. And you need to calm down.” She was so sick of him.

  “Does Felix know?”

  “Of course. They all know.” She shrugged.

  “Why would you—”

  “Why wouldn’t I? It’s a cool concept, it’s going to get people listening to the song. I think it’s a power move. I’m sick of being seen as sugary sweet, of not taking creative risks.”

  “I think it sounds great.” Danny sounded supportive.

  “Me too.” Tanya smiled. “I’m proud of you.”

  Noah sat silently with a pout on his face. Then he pointed at Maddie. “She put you up to this?” He didn’t wait for a response. “It’s obviously the kind of video I’d expect her to want to make, but I don’t get why you’d agree to it. She’s obviously trying to fuck up your career to get you back for the way you fucked them over before. She’s probably been waiting years for this chance.”

  “Don’t be that guy, Noah.” Danny put a hand on Noah’s shoulder, urging him to calm down.

  “No, someone has to say it. This is a disaster for you, Sofia. Your fans will hate it, the song won’t sell, and you’re gonna do this why? Because she suggested it and you want to look cool in front of her? You’re losing your mind. They’ll think you’re queer. I helped you put all those rumors behind you. That was the whole fucking point.”

  This was her house. She didn’t care how drunk he was, or what her contract said, she wasn’t going to let him behave that way.

  “I think you owe Maddie an apology.” She was annoyed to hear her own voice waver, the upset obvious.

  “I’m not apologizing to her. No fucking way.”

  “Then you should leave.” She stood and pointed at the door. “Get out, Noah.”

  “I’m sorry, babe.” He held up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. “But it’s crazy, and she’s insane for encouraging you to do this. You’re not thinking straight.”

  “Get the hell out of my house.”

  Sofia turned her back on him, on all of them, and went upstairs. She sat on the edge of her bed and willed her heartbeat to return to normal. She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing. She had come so close to telling him that, since he wasn’t her boyfriend—and hadn’t even been behaving like a friend lately—he had zero right to have an opinion. But that would have meant letting Maddie know that the whole thing was a sham. She had told Maddie to trust her, said that they’d be honest with each other second time around. What a joke.

  * * *

  “Hey.” Maddie stood in the doorway, feeling hesitant, not sure if Sofi wanted company.

  Sofi nodded.

  “Noah’s leaving.”

  Sofi nodded again.

  “And Tanya and Danny are clearing people out.”

  “Thanks.” Sofi sounded like she could barely manage to speak, and the tension in her body worried Maddie. She didn’t want her to have another anxiety attack. Noah’s behavior, his humiliating comments, would certainly have justified it.

  “Are you okay?” Maddie sat next to her on the bed, putting a hand on Sofi’s back and stroking gently. She was close enough that Maddie could smell the beer on her breath, see the upset in her beautiful brown eyes. Despite everything, she felt a tightness low down in her belly.

  “It’s just—”

  Maddie’s phone beeped. She fished it out of her pocket.

  “Danny. He and Tanya are heading out. Everyone’s gone. They said sorry for not cleaning up.” She smiled.

  “Don’t you wanna go with him?” Sofi looked at her quizzically. “You guys seemed pretty close tonight.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Maybe.” Sofi frowned, and then shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve lost the ability to think straight apparently.”

  “We’re not like that. He’s just a friend. I told you, Sofi, I’m not dating right now.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just that Noah said the two of you were—”

  “Yeah, well, Noah said a lot of stuff tonight that’s bullshit.” Maddie hesitated. “I mean, whatever might have happened before, I would never do anything to harm you or your career. You know that, right? I didn’t even want the woman in the video, remember. And I know he’s drunk and he probably doesn’t even mean it, but I want you to know that he’s wrong. I only want the best for you. I want you to be happy and healthy.” She stopped, not wanting to make things worse. “And sometimes I worry that Noah doesn’t always have your best interests at heart.”

  She kept stroking Sofi’s back, wanting to give her comfort but—she couldn’t lie—also needing to be touching her somehow.

  “That feels really good,” Sofi murmured the words, closing her eyes briefly. She put her hand on Maddie’s arm and the touch heightened all of her senses. “I know you’re not trying to hurt me. It took me a long time, but eventually I think I understood that you hadn’t meant to hurt me back then either. And I don’t care what Noah thinks. I don’t care what any of them think about anything, I do want to try to be happier.”

  “You deserve that.” Maddie wanted that for Sofi.

  “We all deserve that. Life is too short not to be happy. I don’t think I’ve let myself think that way until now.” Sofi took Maddie’s hand and placed it on her thigh, using her fingertips to trace a path from her palm to her wrist, and back again, in the same way Maddie had done when Sofi had needed calming days ago. Sofi’s touch was so exquisite, so needed, that it made her want to forget all about the words she had come to say to Sofi about the way Noah was treating her.

  Maddie took in a breath as Sofi slid her other hand around her waist, her fingers touching her skin in the gap between her T-shirt and her jeans. Sofi left her hand there for a few seconds, before reaching up under Maddie’s T-shirt to rake her nails across her back. Maddie let out a soft moan, feeling a hot ache between her legs. She couldn’t help reacting, couldn’t help wanting more. They had been together for three years, but they had never grown used to being around each other in that way that some couples do. Being close to Sofi—whether she was awake or asleep, whether they were alone or in company—Maddie had always found her impossible to resist, always felt the physical pull of their attraction. And right then, the power of it was as strong as it had ever been, despite their years apart.

  She tangled her fingers in the hair at the nape of Sofi’s neck and pulled Sofi closer. She angled her head and gently grazed her lips across Sofi’s before pulling back slightly. Sofi gazed back at her, the hungry look telling Maddie everything she needed to know.

  This time her kiss was more certain, more demanding, and the feel of Sofi’s lips—soft, warm, yielding—ignited sparks inside her core. When Sofi kissed her back, her kisses showing the same wanting, Maddie gave in to her desire. She gloried in the taste of Sofi’s lips, the feel of their tongues touching, Sofi’s fingers now digging into her back, their mouths greedy for each other. Sofi pushed Maddie onto her back, her kisses urgent and wanting. When she dipped her head to kiss Maddie’s neck, trailing kisses down to her collarbone and then biting the skin softly, Maddie let out a soft groan and pulled Sofi closer. She kissed her hard, her tongue deep in Sofi’s mouth. Sofi reached under her T-shirt and caressed her breasts through the soft fabric of her bra. Maddie felt her nipples harden against Sofi’s palms, wanting Sofi’s mouth on them. Maddie grabbed for her, moving her own hands underneath Sofi’s shirt touching her in the same way. They had wanted this, waited for this, f
or too long. Something poked through the desire, through the wanting. They had waited for a reason. They weren’t together, they hadn’t been together for a long time, and they shouldn’t be doing this.

  As Sofi moved to lift off her T-shirt, Maddie reached for her hands and held them.

  “Sofi, we can’t.”

  “What’s wrong?” Sofi’s face was flushed, her lips a dark pink, her eyes full of arousal.

  “We just can’t.” Maddie’s throat was thick with feeling. She couldn’t make herself speak. She didn’t really want to say the words. She wanted them to keep kissing, to undress each other, to make love and never stop. But they weren’t together anymore, and Sofi wasn’t even single.

  “We can.” Sofi kissed her again. The kiss was hard and passionate, and Maddie responded, opening her mouth to let Sofi’s tongue inside, her hands on Sofi’s ass. Her desire was overriding her thinking, she was so close to the point of no return. She put her hands on Sofi’s shoulders and pushed her away.

  “We can’t.” This time she sounded more emphatic, pulling herself up from under Sofi and into a seated position, leaning against the headboard. She willed her mind to clear.

  “I don’t understand.” Sofi sat up on her knees, facing Maddie, her eyes clouded with desire and confusion. She was so beautiful and Maddie’s longing for her was so strong that she almost reached for her all over again.

  “We can’t do this. We can’t. Maybe you and Noah are having problems and maybe he was a jerk tonight, but he doesn’t deserve this. No one does. And I’m not that person anymore, the person who fucks things up. And I don’t want to fuck this up. If we haven’t already I mean.” She tried to make it make sense, but she couldn’t. Her brain wasn’t working properly.

  Sofi stared at her with an expression that was hard to read. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath and Maddie thought her panic had returned. She moved forward, ready to do something, but then Sofi opened her eyes and offered her a hesitant smile.

  “You’re not fucking things up and neither am I. We both want this. I know we do.”

  “It doesn’t matter what we want. You have Noah. We shouldn’t be doing this.” Maddie felt the truth of it land like a stone sinking in water. What the hell was she doing? She moved to the edge of the bed, away from Sofi—not trusting herself.

  “I don’t ‘have’ Noah.” Sofi spoke softly, but Maddie could see the tension in her body. Her hands fidgeting with the bedclothes. “We’re not together. We never were. It’s just PR. You know how it goes. We’re with the same record company. It’s good publicity for people to think we’re together. And I know it’s pathetic—to still be pretending at thirty-two, to not have anyone of my own, but I don’t.” She reached for Maddie’s hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but he isn’t any kind of reason why we can’t have this. If we want it.”

  Maddie’s mind was a complete whirl. She had seen the two of them together, so many times. On television, in magazines, in this house even. Kissing, touching, eating together, telling everyone how much they loved each other. It hadn’t been easy to see. And worse than all of that, she’d had whole conversations with Sofi about him, about the two of them.

  “You lied about all of it? You lied to me.”

  “I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t say everything I should have. I tried to tell you that night when I had that panic attack, but I couldn’t. I signed this ridiculous contract that says I can’t tell anyone.” Her voice sounded shaky, betraying how upset she was. “I thought you’d just guess that it was fake. I’ve never really liked guys, you know that.”

  Maddie’s brain was screaming at her to ask more questions. Everything she had assumed to be true was unraveling in front of her, and she felt fearful and stupid at the same time. “But when you left, you said that they couldn’t make you do this anymore, that your contract gave you freedom to love who you wanted, so I assumed that the two of you were the real deal. Why wouldn’t I?” She needed some kind of explanation.

  Sofi cast her eyes down.

  “They didn’t force me, I agreed. It seemed harmless. It was just going to be while we had that single out, but it was easy to just keep going. People liked us together. The buzz it created was good for us both. We agreed to carry on. Felix asked me to sign a contract to make sure there were rules and it was confidential.” Sofi finally met her gaze. “But I’m trying to end it. I knew as soon as you came back that I couldn’t carry on. It just seemed so lame to still be doing it. And I wanted to show you I had more courage. To do the video, to be more open, to be without Noah. I thought that after all that, maybe it would mean we could try to have something. I want—”

  “Are you crazy? You honestly think that you can end it with Noah and I’m gonna be happy to pick up where he left off?” She stood. She wanted to go. She didn’t want to be anywhere near Sofi right now. “You’re lying to the world about him, talking about a wedding that’ll never happen, pretending he’s so worried about you that he’s flying home to be by your side. Your fans honestly believe you guys are together. It’s worse than lame.”

  “It’s no worse than we both did when we were in the band, and we—”

  “We had no choice. They made us. But you have a choice. You don’t have to do it. You’re lying for sales, for streams, for the ‘buzz.’” Maddie used the word that Sofi had used. “Daya was right when she said I shouldn’t trust you. You’re still lying to me.”

  “I didn’t want to lie. I wanted to tell you. I tried. It wasn’t just the contract that stopped me. I knew it would be like this, knew that you wouldn’t understand. Don’t hate me, Maddie, please don’t hate me. I’m trying to be braver.” Sofi was upset. Her voice was shaking. But Maddie couldn’t afford to care.

  “I should go.” She didn’t have anything else to say. She had let her guard down, let Sofi in again and she had done exactly what she always did—put her career above everything, not caring who she hurt along the way. Maddie just couldn’t believe she had been stupid enough to let herself get drawn in.

  “Maddie, please don’t go.”

  She ignored Sofi’s plea, walked down the stairs, and headed for the front door.

  “You always leave.”

  Despite herself, she turned to Sofi. She was standing on the bottom stair.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I wanted to. I should have. And I know I haven’t been brave, but neither have you. As soon as it gets difficult, you walk away. From me, from your career. It’s what you always do. Maybe I wasn’t enough for you then and maybe I never will be, but let’s not pretend you’re any braver than I am.”

  Maddie wanted to say something in response, but she couldn’t. She was disappointed, she was angry, and she felt like a fool. It didn’t matter whether Maddie loved her. Sofi hadn’t changed, not really. It was Maddie’s wishful thinking that had made it seem like she had. She watched as Sofi tried to find the words she wanted to say. Even now, even after all this, the sight of her struggling and upset made Maddie want to go to her.

  “And you can hate me for this, you can even pity me, but my career is the one thing that has always been good to me.”

  They stood for a beat, just looking at each other across the room. To Maddie, the distance between them now seemed like a chasm. She didn’t know how to bridge it, or even if she wanted to.

  “I don’t hate you.” The effort of holding on to her own upset was immense. She had opened herself up to Sofi, given in to her feelings, despite promising herself she wouldn’t. But Sofi had made it crystal clear she still couldn’t be trusted to do anything but put her career first.

  She opened the door and walked outside without looking back. The flashes of the cameras surprised her. Of course they were still there. This was Sofi’s crazy life. She was naive to think she could ever be a part of it. It didn’t matter if they wanted each other—she let the reality seep in—and it didn’t even matter if they loved each other. This wasn’t a life she wanted for her or her son. She had been stu
pid to even try.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Despite the fact it was almost midnight, Sofia was wide awake. It wasn’t the adrenaline of the show—that had long passed—it was the way her mind was whirring. Tomorrow they were going to start shooting her “coming out” video. She couldn’t think of it any other way. She had been bullish about it with everyone—she’d had to be in the face of everyone’s continued unhappiness—but she wasn’t without her own doubts. And since Maddie hadn’t been in touch at all since the night of the party, she’d had to deal with those doubts all on her own.

  She hadn’t imagined that Maddie walking out of her house in anger would mean Maddie walking out of her life for good. But that was how it seemed. Sofia had sent Maddie one text, a short but heartfelt apology for the deception, but there’d been no reply in the days since. And according to Anna, the work on the house had stopped too.

  Sofi signaled to the bartender for another brandy. It was a drink she always turned to when she needed something to damp down her anxiety, and right now it was creeping around at the edge of her consciousness and she was trying not to let it take hold. When Rick had arrived at the hotel earlier that day, she’d told him Maddie wasn’t coming to Paris, making up some excuse about Mateo being sick. But she hadn’t told her mom or Felix yet—not able to stomach how happy they’d be. She sighed. She couldn’t stop tormenting herself with what she could have done differently—how she should have told Maddie about Noah sooner, how she shouldn’t have reached for her, or kissed her—but whatever else she’d gotten wrong, she was right about one thing, Maddie always walked away. And it hurt to know that Maddie had never cared enough to stay when things got difficult.

  She sipped her drink. She had no choice but to make the video and try to take comfort from showing her fans something that was closer to the truth of who she was. It might mean some of them turning against her, it might hurt album sales, and according to Felix, it might even put some of her sponsorship deals in jeopardy. But she was finding it harder and harder to care about any of that. She’d spent so long obsessing about those things only to discover that none of them made her happy. What she wanted most was to make Maddie proud of her and have her understand that however deceitful Sofia had been about Noah, she was ready to be more honest about things. And if Maddie didn’t care as much as she’d hoped, it didn’t mean she shouldn’t do it for herself.