Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  * * *

  Mateo sat on the couch, his ukulele on his lap, strumming the strings happily. There was no tune, and if it had been anyone other than her son making that noise, she’d have stopped it by now for sure, but she was just happy he was happy. He’d been a lot keener on playing with it since Sofi had sung for them and spent time showing him how to play it. It didn’t matter how many times she told herself they were better off away from Sofi and all her madness, the idea of Sofi and Mateo losing each other before they’d really gotten started was tough.

  She had everything out of her kitchen cabinets and laid out on the counter so she could clean inside them. It was the latest in a range of unsatisfying activities she’d undertaken to try to take her mind off the way she’d been feeling since getting home from Paris. At first, she’d been upset, then she’d been angry, and now all she could seem to manage was a dull aching sadness that pulled at her heart and made her feel heavy.

  “Seriously?” Ashley spoke as she came in through the door, pizza box in hand.

  Maddie shrugged. “What’s wrong with cleaning?”

  “In the last forty-eight hours, you’ve cleaned every cabinet, every window, every inch of floor.” She put the box on the dining table and crossed to the kitchen.

  “You’d rather I was binge-watching romcoms on Netflix and crying into my wine?”

  “I don’t think those are your only two options.”

  Ashley had surprised her by trying to persuade her to stay in Paris and talk things out with Sofi, but Maddie had ignored her advice and come home. She was heartsick without her, but she was also sick of Sofi’s empty promises. Of hoping and then being disappointed by her.

  Maddie started to put the cans back into one of the cabinets. Ashley stood watching her silently. Maddie knew she wanted her to talk about it, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t just that she was disappointed in Sofi, she was disappointed in herself. She should have been more careful, less naive.

  “You know she’s canceled three more tour dates?”

  “Yeah, I saw.” Maddie didn’t stop what she was doing. But the thought that Sofi might not be okay, mentally or physically, pricked at her consciousness and made her uneasy.

  “And I saw something today that says she’s back in Miami.”

  “Ash, don’t.”

  Maddie had seen the same thing. Footage of Rosa entering and leaving Sofi’s house, speculation that Sofi was inside. She had no idea if it was true. The first thing she’d done on getting home was send Anna a message withdrawing formally from the redesign project at Sofi’s house. She’d suggested a couple of other designers and apologized for the “change in her circumstances.” It hadn’t been easy.

  “What? I’m just saying that it seems like she’s here. Fifteen minutes’ drive away. I mean, if you felt inclined to go and speak to her rather than sulking, hurting, and assuming the worst.”

  “I’m not assuming the worst. I’m being realistic. She abandoned everything she said meant something to her the minute it looked like it might cost her the thing with Little Boy. What possible point is there in getting involved with someone like that? It would mean hiding, lying, worrying that I’m going to be bad for her career, and living with the certainty that she’s always going to choose that career over me and my son.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “I do. I was there.”

  “Yet she’s home and not wherever she’s supposed to be touring right now.”

  “Amsterdam.” Maddie hated that she knew Sofi’s schedule.

  She turned to face Ashley.

  “Since when are you her chief cheerleader anyway?”

  “I’m not. But I know you’re crazy in love with her, and right now you’re crazy unhappy. And I repeat, she’s fifteen minutes away. I can’t believe it’s not worth a conversation. Honestly, Mads, you are stubborn AF. And I’m only not spelling that out in full because I know my nephew has excellent hearing.”

  Ashley began handing her stuff to put back into the cabinet. They did that silently for a minute.

  “It doesn’t matter if she’s back, she hasn’t tried to get in touch with me either.”

  “Are you joking?”

  “No.” Maddie couldn’t look Ashley in the eye.

  “You told me you asked her not to contact you. I think the words ‘ever again’ might have been mentioned. And, yeah, that was the day you walked out on her video shoot without giving her the chance to explain anything.”

  “I know.” She picked up a towel and wiped off the counter.

  She’d been angry, but even now, days later, she couldn’t decide if she meant it. Her heart ached for Sofi, and she couldn’t stop thinking about all the things they’d said to each other—all the things they’d done to each other—but what did it count for if Sofi wouldn’t ever have the courage to stop hiding and give up all the associated madness. She didn’t want that in her life. Mateo deserved better. She deserved better.

  Ashley pulled her phone out of her pocket and peered at the screen. Maddie saw her frown and then smile a half smile before frowning again. “What time is it?” She turned to look at the clock on the kitchen wall which said seven twenty.

  “Shit.” She let out the curse word before fixing her face into what most people would have called neutral but what Maddie thought seemed deeply, suspiciously not-at-all-neutral.

  “Can we watch some TV for a little while? Maybe have a glass of wine.” Ashley crossed to the couch, looking around for the remote control a little frantically.

  “I guess.” Maddie could tell something was going on. “Who was that?”

  “No one. Old friend. Haven’t heard from them in ages. I guess I should be thankful I’ve never changed my number. I just didn’t hear the message come in earlier. She located the remote, sat down, and started surfing through the channels. “I’ll have white if you’ve got it, but come quick.” Ashley patted the seat next to her.

  Maddie grabbed an open bottle from the fridge. Took two glasses from the cabinet, and moved to sit next to Ashley. She watched as Ashley poured a large glass for herself and barely a finger of wine for Maddie.

  “There’s something I want you to watch,” Ashley said.

  “What’s going on, Ash? You’re being mighty weird even for y—” Maddie stopped talking as she saw the opening of Sofi’s new video. The title, Sofi’s name, a wide shot of Paris, followed by a close-up shot of Sofi standing in a pack of paparazzi holding her camera and snapping away. Her own name appeared in large letters across the screen beneath a caption that said ‘Written, Designed and Directed by’. She took in a breath and watched in silence as Claudine exited a movie theater with her husband at her side and the photographers went crazy, jostling each other to get close to her.

  Claudine.

  In Sofi’s video.

  Claudine glanced across at Sofi, the camera following her gaze. Claudine, in all her glory, and most definitely not Guillaume. The realization made her feel hot and cold at the very same time.

  “Fia!” Mateo jumped off the couch and walked to the TV, standing a foot away as Sofi was featured in close-up. God, she is so beautiful. Maddie couldn’t stop the thought poking through. She watched the rest of the video with bated breath, alternating between trying to figure out how she had gotten things so wrong and how damn fantastic the whole thing was.

  “Wow. That was amazing.” Ashley spoke as the video ended with the camera zooming out from Sofi and Claudine’s kiss in the window of the house in Muette.

  Before Maddie could process anything, she was faced with Sofi sitting next to Brooklyn Beals on the deck of her house. It was like Maddie was having a strange dream.

  “That video is lit. I love the song, but the video is something else. And I don’t mind admitting I’m feeling a little flustered right now.” Brooklyn fanned herself with her papers.

  Maddie watched Sofi’s face light up with happiness. It was a wonderful sight.

  “But I guess, based on what you were
saying earlier, this is both your coming out and your going away video.” Brooklyn offered Sofi a wide easy smile.

  “I guess it is.” Sofi attempted a smile, but Maddie could see just how anxious she was. “But I’m so proud that this is the song and the video I’m going to be leaving behind for people to remember me by.”

  “Do you have any doubts about taking the time off? Six months is a long time in this business. Isn’t there a chance that your fans might move on to someone else? I mean, leaving aside the risk you’re taking in finally coming out, if you’re not in the public eye, people can be very fickle.”

  “I’m aware it’s a risk. All of it—the coming out, admitting the games Noah and I were playing, taking a long break.”

  Maddie watched as Sofi swept a hand through her hair, a nervous gesture she knew well. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing and hearing.

  “I don’t feel great about canceling the tour—and I’m sorry if people are disappointed in me for that—but I really need this break. It’s not just that I can’t keep pretending—that’s only a little bit of it—it’s that sometimes other things, other people, come along in life that make you question everything, that make you realize that you want to live a different kind of life. And that’s what happened to me. I think the majority of my fans will understand that and stick with me. I can’t really do anything about the ones that don’t.” She shrugged.

  “I don’t want to put you on the spot, but that sounds a lot like you’re doing all this for someone in particular.”

  “That is putting me on the spot,” Sofi said. “What I will say is that sometimes you need to clearly see a future you really really want, to find the courage to change the things about your present that might be in the way of that future.” She looked into the camera, and Maddie felt that the earnest gaze was all for her.

  “Jeez, Maddie. This is every kind of incredible. Coming out, telling people about Noah, telling you she wants a future with you,” Ashley said.

  Maddie wanted Ashley to be right about Sofi’s meaning, but she didn’t dare let herself hope. But maybe Sofi had done this for her. It seemed like she had told Brooklyn everything.

  “It’s not for me. She doesn’t even know I’m watching.”

  “She does.”

  Maddie turned to Ashley and frowned. “What?”

  “The text. She told me which channel. And she asked me to make sure you were watching. I just didn’t see it until after the program had started. I’m sorry.”

  Maddie’s head was spinning. She looked from the screen to Ashley and back again.

  Maddie had missed Brooklyn’s question.

  “Absolutely, I can’t wait. It doesn’t feel like I’ve had six days off in the last ten years let alone six months. I’m working with this really talented designer on doing up this house, I’m going to read, cook, learn to Jet Ski, and, hopefully, teach a buddy of mine to play the ukulele. I’m going to take some time to do the things that make me happy, with people who make me happy, and if I need more time, I’m going to take more time.”

  The feeling of exhilaration started in Maddie’s feet and coursed its way up her body until it reached her chest and she felt like shouting with joy at the top of her lungs. Sofi had done this for her. And she meant for them to be together. She jumped off the couch and picked up Mateo, whirling him around in a dancing hug.

  On the television, Sofi moved across the deck and seated herself on a stool. She picked up her guitar and checked the tuning. Maddie sat down again and settled Mateo onto her lap. She watched as Sofi closed her eyes. When she opened them and the camera moved in for a close-up, it felt to Maddie as if Sofi were looking right into her soul. She shivered and her chest fluttered lightly.

  “This song is very special to me. It’s about the importance of taking second chances. I wrote it for someone in particular, and I mean every word.” She started to sing the opening verse, and Maddie felt the tears spring up from nowhere. She was happy, as happy as she could ever remember being, but she couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Sofi loved her and she’d stopped her crazy career in its tracks for her.

  They watched to the end of the song. Sofi had tears in her eyes as she sang the final line. She put down the guitar, brushed them away, and smiled at Brooklyn who had crossed the deck to embrace Sofi.

  Ashley stood and picked Mateo up from Maddie’s lap, settling him onto her hip. “We’re going to play some Lego. Go get ready and go get your girl.”

  “I can’t. There’s going to be a houseful of people there. And a TV crew.” Maddie gave Ashley a look that said she was being dim.

  “There isn’t. She’s home alone.”

  “How do you know th—”

  “The text message from earlier. She said it had been recorded this afternoon and she’d be at home alone all evening. Now, get ready and go and see her. I’ve seen enough romcoms to know that you have to dash over there, act all sorry, and fall into each other’s arms.”

  Maddie shook her head. Ashley had turned matchmaker, and like everything else she ever did, she was frighteningly good at it.

  Ashley’s phone dinged. She switched Mateo to her other hip and reached awkwardly into her pocket to retrieve it. Something in the message made her smile.

  “What?” Maddie asked.

  “Too late.”

  “Too late for what?”

  “Too late for dashing over there and possibly too late for costume changes.”

  “Ash. Speak English for me.”

  “She’s outside, in her car. Asking me how you reacted, whether you might want to see her.”

  “Outside?”

  “Yes.” Ashley laughed.

  Maddie felt her heart lift. She wanted to go upstairs and change, put on some makeup and tidy up her hair, but more than any of that, she wanted to hold Sofi, to kiss her, to tell her thank you, and to promise to love her until the day she died.

  “I’ll take him upstairs and we’ll pack some stuff so he can spend the night at mine.”

  “But—” Maddie tried to object.

  “No arguments.”

  Maddie stopped in the hallway. She ran her fingers through her hair and ran a palm down the front of her T-shirt as if to flatten out the creases. She held a hand out in front of herself and wasn’t surprised to see it tremble. Sofia Flores had told everyone she loved women, promised she would take some serious time off, and just performed a beautiful song for her. Maddie had doubted her, but she shouldn’t have. She had to hope Sofi being here meant she was willing to give her another chance.

  * * *

  The door opened and Sofia saw Maddie framed in the doorway. Even in frayed cut-offs and a long-sleeved T-shirt, she looked like a goddess. She’d waited for a reply from Ashley, her confidence draining away with every minute of silence, but the hesitant smile Maddie gave her as she moved toward her was reassuring. And beautiful. She got out of the car and moved around to lean against it, waiting for Maddie to reach her. She wasn’t trying to be cool, she just didn’t trust herself to be able to stand without something to lean on. Every nerve, every fiber, every blood vessel in her body wanted her to go to Maddie and claim her. But she took in a breath and made herself wait for Maddie to reach her. They had things they had to say first. And though she’d practiced what she wanted to say so many times, faced with Maddie, none of the words seemed like they would be enough.

  They stood a couple of feet apart and simply looked at each other.

  “I am so proud of you.” Maddie spoke first. “That was just incredible. I didn’t see all of it. Ashley didn’t tell me until after it had started, but I’m just blown away.” She stopped speaking, and a big smile appeared on her face. It was wonderful for Sofia to see. The sun was setting on the evening, but Maddie’s smile reminded her of the sunrise.

  “Damn, Sofi, it was amazing. And you were incredible. Brave, honest, real. I wasn’t expecting any of it. I thought that you’d changed your mind about the video, and I got so disappointed, so ma
d. I’m sorry.”

  “I know.” Sofia smiled. “The voice mail was pretty clear.”

  Maddie put her head in her hands. Sofia stepped forward and took them, moving them away from Maddie’s face and then not letting them go.

  “I should have believed in you.”

  “Why would you? Even I didn’t believe in me. It was only in Paris that I understood what I needed to do, what I wanted to do.”

  “You’re taking six months off?” Maddie’s expression suggested she didn’t quite believe it.

  “Yeah. Maybe longer. We’ve canceled the tour, and I’m not doing any more promo work for the album or for the single. I can’t be without you for four days, Maddie. I was crazy to think I could be away from you for four months.” She was so happy to finally be able to say this to Maddie. “It’s not that I’m tired, I just don’t want to be without you, and I want a life where I’ve got time for you and Mateo, where you’re the most important things in my life.” It felt righteous to be able to say it. She waited for Maddie to respond. Sofia understood that she could still say no. Even now, even after coming clean about everything, there would be madness. They could ignore it and avoid it as best they could, but it would still be there.

  “You think I can do anything but kiss you after you sang to me like that?” Maddie laughed and opened her arms, Sofia slid close and wrapped her arms around her.

  Sofia gently picked up one of the hands that Maddie now had resting on her hips and lifted it to her lips—kissing the palm and then the fingertips softly. She heard Maddie take in a breath and then felt Maddie’s thumb trace a path across her lips. Their eyes held each other and the intensity of Maddie’s gaze left Sofia senseless. She slowly moved her hand to Maddie’s back and stroked the soft, warm skin under her T-shirt. She pulled Maddie’s face to hers and crushed her lips in a kiss, wanting to kiss her until they couldn’t breathe, wanting to kiss away all the wasted time, the regrets, the fears. When she opened her eyes and looked at Maddie, the unmistakable need she saw on her face made her insides tighten. She stroked strands of hair away from Maddie’s forehead and marveled at the feeling, enjoying the shiver that her touch produced in Maddie’s body. Maddie tilted her head and pressed her lips to Sofia’s once more, and when Maddie parted her lips slightly, Sofia tasted the woman who she was willing to give up everything for.