Neighbors - The Lawyer and the Pig Farmer

by David Heyman

  ~ Curtain ~

  ACT 2, SCENE 1

  Folding card table chairs are arranged by the two sofas at rear stage.

  Tableware is stacked on the kitchen island at mid-stage. Serving tables are in front of the island. Gretchen and Dina walk about the stage checking the tables. When they walk, the audience can hear the clicking of their high heels and see their skirts swish. The front door chime sounds and Gretchen greets Lester Leonard, the President of the Homesteader's Association and Jesus Hernandez, the Town Solicitor. Duke comes to the door, and heartily shakes hands.

  Lester: “Since I'm President of the Homesteader's Association, it's appropriate that I'm the first one here. Who are these lovely ladies?”

  Duke: “My wife, Gretchen and my sister-in-law, Dina. Come and meet them.”

  Gretchen: “Coffee or a Bloody Mary, Mr. Leonard?”

  Lester: “A Bloody Mary sounds good!” Gretchen pours a glass for him.

  Duke: Answering a door chime, “Solicitor, come in. Make yourself comfortable. The coffee is over there.” He points. “Where those pretty ladies are.” He introduces the ladies and his brother-in-law.

  Solicitor: When the ladies have clicked their way across the floor. Motioning toward the women. “Where do you get domestic help like that?”

  Lester: “Marry them. Except the sister-in-law used to be Duke's personal secretary. I've seen her in court with him. She's still as pretty as I remember her.”

  Solicitor: “Were they close?”

  Lester: “I don't know, but I suppose so. Before she ran off with another lawyer, that guy, Fred, over there.” Points to Fred.

  Duke answers the next ring and greets Mark Silverstein, the County Commissioner.

  Mark: When everyone else is out of hearing range. “Are they here yet?”

  Duke: “No, but they should be here soon. Or should we say 'our five-hundred acres' should be here soon.”

  Gretchen: “Don't stand around. Come and have some goodies.”

  Dina: “Are you all neighbors?” she asks Leonard and Jesus.

  Solicitor: “You could say so. The Hernandez estate is the length of about two football fields down the road.”

  Lester: “And another football field length away, you will find the Leonards. You won't see it from the road. Our house is deep in the woods.”

  Dina: “Doesn't it feel like you are in the middle of nowhere ?”

  Gretchen: (The men smile.) “How can you say that, Dina. There's a 'Sam's Club' only five miles away. Of course, it's so big you need a passport to be allowed in. And there's an entire mall a little farther down the road.”

  Dina: “How far to a hair and nail salon?”

  Solicitor: “There's one in the mall, but I know a gal who will come to your home and take care of you. She knows where you live, because she's the same gal who delivers your newspaper.”

  Gretchen: “Dina, then we wouldn't have any excuse to go to the city.”

  Lester: “Why don't you try to get Sam's Club to put in a beauty shop?”

  Gretchen: “That's not exactly what I had in mind.” The front entrance chimes sounds. Three Solomons are at the entrance. “I'll get it!”

  In the background, Duke, Mark, and Fred look at the front door, expectantly. Greg moves toward the door quickly, but Gretchen has already put out a welcoming hand.

  Gretchen:“It's so nice to see you, Mrs. Solomon! And Honey, good to see you again!”

  Esther: “It's nice of you to invite us, Mrs. Desantos.” She is wearing a simple neat-looking dress, has straight dirty blonde hair, and wears flat shoes.

  Gretchen: “It's about time. We have been neighbors for years. Why don't you call me Gretchen?”

  Esther: “And you may call me Esther.”

  Honey: “I was hoping Lisa would be here.”

  Gretchen: “I'm sure she is. And Greg, too.“

  Dina: “I'll call them.”

  Billy: Walks in behind his wife with his hand extended. “And I'm Billy, the one you wave to from your garden. It sure is nice to see you up close.”

  He's the tallest in the room and wears a red, checkered shirt and Levis. He shakes Gretchen's hand with a sturdy grip, and Gretchen finds herself looking up into his eyes, only to be interrupted by Duke who grabs Billy's hand.

  Duke: “I'm Duke. You might remember me. We met in court over some business a few years ago. It's something I have put out of my mind a long time ago. I hope you can do that, too. “

  Billy: “I hope we can do better than when you put me out of business.”

  Duke: “The Homesteader's Association did that. I was merely its legal representative, and I was working, as usual, to improve the environment. Anyway, it's good to see you today! Loudly, “We have a lot to talk about, and it's going to be a good day for all of us!”

  Billy: “I only have good days.” He smiles and holds Esther's hand. Especially since we stopped raising animals. When you raise animals, there are no days off. You can't even think of traveling “ He looks at Esther. “There's the woman who should get the credit. She fed the animals and made sure all the chores were done. I sometimes felt that I was helping her.”

  Duke: “I never thought about the inconveniences of raising pigs.”

  Billy: “And that's not all. It can be dangerous. I once had the heel of my boot bitten off. Anyway, if you don't want pigs to try to eat you, you don't want to ever fall down in a pig sty. Pigs are almost as dangerous as bears.”

  Duke; “I'll try to keep that in mind.”

  Gretchen and Dina: “O-o-oh!”

  Gretchen: Enthralled, “Then, you must be just like a lion-tamer.”

  Billy: Taken aback, “You might say that, although I never thought of being anything but a farmer.

  “Growing corn is easier. Since ethanol processing plants have been built all over the state, I can get a good price for my corn.”

  Gretchen: “Why don't you boys wander over to the buffet table and get something to eat?

  Honey: Moving closer to her mother, “Mom, look at the white fireplace. Mrs. Desantos did all the decorating herself.

  “Let me show you where the deer sleep.” She leads her mother to the garage entrance.

  Duke: Taking note of Honey's comment, “Yes, I promised myself I'd get a gun to get rid of those critters.”

  Billy: “Why do you want to do that? If a deer learns to trust you and stays near, it will bring you good luck! People say it's better to have deer on your property than fish in an aquarium.”

  Duke: “Maybe. Maybe. But I'm used to making my own good luck.”

  Billy: “Your good luck may come from the way your children love and treat the animals on your property.”

  Duke: “I still think I make my own luck. And I should get a gun.”

  Leonard: “I have guns, but I never use them.”

  Jesus: “The same for me. You know, Dina was right. It can get lonely here, and it would take a while to get help if a robber broke in or a bear knocked your kitchen door down.”

  Duke: Incredulous, “Could that really happen?”

  Leonard: “It sure could.”

  Duke: “Now, I'm sure I'm going to get a gun!”

  Billy: Quietly, to Gretchen, “What helped him make up his mind? The robber or the bear?”

  Gretchen: She smiles. ”It wouldn't really matter. But I can't picture him with a rifle. I think he's afraid of animals. We don't even have a dog. He's certainly no Daniel Boone.”

  Billy: “No. He's more the Clarence Darrow type.”

  Gretchen: “So, you know about Clarence Darrow?”

  Billy: “Aren't farmers supposed to know about things like that? Like what abolition was, and union strife, which Darrow was good at, not to mention Leopold and Loeb. Not like today's lawyers who are only interested in government rules and political favors?”

  Gretchen: Smiling broadly, “Wait until Duke gets a load of you!” He smiles back, as though they have established an understanding.

  Billy: “D
arrow said, 'I have suffered from being misunderstood, but I would have suffered more, if I had been understood.'“ He smiles.

  Dina: Stepping closer to Gretchen and Billy, “What are you two smiling about? Gretchen, people are hardly touching the food.”

  Gretchen: She leaves Billy and addresses the group. “Eat up, everyone. That's what all this stuff is for. Don't leave me with a lot of leftovers that will spoil before I can use them.”

  Duke: To Gretchen and Esther who joins them. “Honey told me Esther preserves food in jars. Is that something we ought to be doing?”

  Gretchen: “We? You mean me!”

  Esther: “I could help you get started. It takes me about a week in the fall to can the vegetables from our garden. And everything tastes better than what you buy at the store.”

  Gretchen: “A week?” Warily, “Sounds just fine. Maybe, I'll try to learn - someday.”

  The door chime sounds and Fred answers it. Mark Silverstein, the County Commissioner, a good-looking, tall, graying, man enters.

  Mark: “Mark Silverstein here.”

  Fred: Greeting him as he answers the door. “I'm Fred Already, the Brother-in-Law. Come on in and find something to eat. Over there where the girls are.”

  Gretchen: “Nice to see you again, Mark. Please make yourself at home.”

  Dina: Closing in. “Haven't we met? I think I remember you from court.”

  Mark: “Oh, yes. How could I forget? It seems that Duke never went anywhere without you.” Looks at Gretchen. “Oh, oh! I think I said the wrong thing.”

  Gretchen: “We will excuse you for saying, anywhere. You should know that Dina and I are sisters.”

  Mark: “Forgive me. I said that without any thought. I wasn't trying to create a scandal.”

  Gretchen: “Oh, no? Well, neither am I. But we forgive you. Come have a Bloody Mary.”

  The chime sounds and two more neighbors enter, and Fred shows them the refreshments.

  Duke: “Mark. Come over and meet the Solomons. We are just getting to know each other, and when they hear what you have to say, I'm sure they will want to join us.” There is hand-shaking among the four.

  Mark: “Nice to meet you. It must be a pleasure to be the neighbors of one of our outstanding citizens and his family.”

  Esther: “Yes, and the children get along so well.”

  The men go to the center of the room and form a talking, coffee-drinking circle. The audience can hear snippets of small talk from them. Like, “Those Steelers are having their own way this season.” And, “In the winter I use my ATV.”

  Dina and Gretchen are alone in the kitchen.

  Dina: “I see what you mean,” glancing at where Billy is standing and nodding her head. “He's gorgeous!”

  Gretchen: Quietly, because Esther is coming over to join them. “Take note of those shoulders and arms!”

  Esther: “Honey seems to like being with your children.”

  Gretchen: “They have been hiking on our properties , probably looking for deer. By the way, Honey is as cute a teenager as I have ever seen! And she is so polite.”

  The men walk out to the kitchen garden so Mark can smoke.

  Duke: When they return, “I think we ought to start the meeting.”

  The men draw up their folding chairs facing Duke, who is in front of a sofa, facing the audience. Some of the men are still holding coffee cups and Gretchen and Dina move among them collecting empty plates.

  Duke: Calling them all to attention. He is the only one standing. “Welcome. Gretchen and I are extremely happy to see you. Most of you don't know Fred and Dina Already. He's my brother-in-law. He has his own law practice, but I invited him, because he's smart, experienced, and willing to help us. He points to Fred who takes a brief bow.

  Most of you know me, but for those who don't, I'd like to start by talking about myself, something I'm good at. Ingratiating grin, condescending tone. As you know, Gretchen and I have been homesteaders here in River Valley for six years. We love it here. It's our little bit of heaven. And we don't want it to change. But, in case you don't read the papers, I recently prevented an ecological disaster on Bear Mountain. If windmills are built there in the future, they will not ruin the environment, and the landowners will be fairly compensated.” Parroting the speech he had been practicing. ”That's what we in River Valley want from gas exploration, don't we? Your needs are my needs. And what I say is what you would say. But I'm trained to speak for all of us.

  “Next, let me say something about water. Some of the surface water comes from the run-off of rain and watering our gardens and it can be rich in animal waste which has been used as fertilizer.“ He stares at Billy for a notable moment. “We can follow this water directly to the river.

  “Another source of water, which has sustained life here for centuries, comes from underground springs that we can easily reach with modern pumps. We drink this water and bathe in it, but ground water finds its way into well water. Unfortunately, drilling gas wells increases the likelihood of trace chemicals contaminating our water. If wells are improperly drilled, we could end up lighting fires in our drinking water! Of course, none of that has to happen. We must see to it that our water stays pure, our land unscathed, and that we all get favorable compensation for the use of our land. Some of you know that I am already carrying the banner for our association. I have talked to the gas drilling companies, the State Dept of Environmental Protection, the Watershed Society, and I'm far ahead of you in thinking about what we should do.”

  Gretchen eyes and signals Dina trying to hold back a yawn.

  Duke: Continues. “The most important move we can make is to work together! One for all and all for one! We will soon be dealing with General Resources, an energy conglomerate with a genormous amount of money! Pick up any newspaper and you are likely to find an article about them or about their CEO giving advice to the President of the USA. But they are not too big for me to deal with, as long as we, as I stated before, work together!”

  Jesus: Volunteers. “I've had mail from them already.”

  Lester: “And they’ve been calling my home every day.”

  Duke: “There. You see. They want to work with each of us separately. So, they can squeeze each landowner without the others knowing what is going on. But some of us have been preparing for the encounter with General Resources. Our own very capable Mark Silverstein has written guidelines so that we can incorporate and deal, as a strong unified force, with General Resources. Mark. Could you tell us about your plan?”

  Mark: “Of course, Duke. I have incorporation papers for each resident in River Valley Homesteads to sign, and I expect to visit them at their homes individually. But it would make it easier for me, if I could tell others that all of you here today had been to this meeting and signed the papers.”

  Fred: “I'm curious about who gets lease payments, since the landowners have different sized lots.”

  Duke: “Most of us have twenty or more acres.”

  Mark: “That will be specified in the next set of papers. General Resources will pay the River Valley Homesteaders, and the corporation will send lease payments and royalties to the shareholders. Payments will vary with the acreage each shareholder owns. The number of shares that a member owns will determine the amount he or she gets. It's a standard way of doing business.”

  Homeowner: “Will all the land in River Valley Homesteads be part of the corporation?”

  Mark: “Yes. Am I correct, Duke?”

  Duke: “All but the two dilapidated homes by the river, which I have taken as my benevolent duty to repair. I promised the banks that have mortgaged the properties that I would repair these ruined homes before I sold them. I look forward to seeing them part of our association and corporation.”

  Homeowner #2: “Will we need an office?”

  Duke: “We have one. Mark will take care of handling the shares and dividing the royalty payments. We couldn't have a safer place than the County Commissioner's office.

 
“Any other questions?” No hands are raised.

  “Billy, do you have any questions?”

  Billy: “Since you asked: what has happened at Bear Mountain? Did the townspeople get any money?”

  Duke: “Not yet. But they will. Actually, negotiations are ongoing.”

  Homeowner: “What's the holdup?”

  Duke: “Money. Oakstone Power will have to pay a higher price to the town.”

  Homeowner: “Will they?”

  Duke: “It's a sure thing.”

  Billy: “How can we be sure River Valley and General Resources will reach an agreement?”

  Duke: “I'm sure of it. Er, as sure as anyone can be. We’re sitting over a sea of natural gas, and they definitely want it.”

  Billy: “Will General Resources have any other rights to our land?”

  Homesteader: “What if they find gold or diamonds and stuff like that?”

  Duke: “Mark, will you answer that question?”

  Mark: “Our contract is limited specifically to gas exploration and recovery.”

  Duke: “Are there any more questions?” He looks around the room. There don't appear to be more.

  Gretchen and Dina move among the guests pouring coffee and juices.

  Billy: “I've heard that General will pay two thousand dollars an acre for leasing rights.”

  Duke: “You see, Billy, with your 500 acres, you would have a whole pile of money coming in. We can make sure you get it, without bureaucratic delays or fancy accounting. And I think it would be a good idea for our association to include someone who knows something about farming. To make sure whatever changes are made won't interfere with your growing corn.”

  Billy:”Of course.” He gives a wry look to Esther beside him.

  Gretchen: Spies the expression. “Can I get either of you something?”

  Billy: “That orange juice is good! Could I have some more?”

  Gretchen: “Certainly.” When she returns with the glass of juice he takes it and manages to keep his fingers on her arm.

  Mark: As he begins passing out papers, “I have extra pens for anyone who needs one.”

  Duke: “There's a copy for me that you must sign. And the other copy is for you.” He walks amid the attendees asking, “Is everything clear? Did you sign?” Most answer in the affirmative.

  “How about you, Billy?”

  Billy: “I'm going to think about it.”

  Duke: “You know everything you have to know. What is there to think about?”

  Billy: “Everything seems okay, but I just want to be sure.”

  Esther: Who has been remarkably quiet. “I don't think it ever hurts to wait a little. What's the hurry?”

  Duke: “I don't like to be hasty, either. But it's hard to get a group like this together.”

  The other home owners are completing their forms and leaving them on the desk.

  Duke: Speaking to Billy, “I can do a better job making up a negotiating position and representing you, if you would sign now and let me get started.”

  Billy: “I've heard that attorneys are not usually in a hurry to get things done.

  Duke: “That might apply to some lawyers, but not me. And not to Fred Already. Isn't that right, Fred?”

  Fred: “You’re right, Duke. But I think everyone will be happier, if they take a few more days to consider your proposition. Frankly, if I were Mr. And Mrs. Solomon, I'd sign up now and let the professionals do the worrying. But not everyone thinks the same way.” Some more of the neighbors bring up their signed papers.

  Esther: Moving toward Gretchen. “Where is Honey?”

  Gretchen: “The kids are looking for deer again. They say there's a whole herd of them out there, but I've never seen them.”

  Billy: Joining her. “If you really want to see the herd, I'll take you up the road when they’re there. It's fun to use a searchlight and spot them at night.”

  Gretchen: “Why, thank you. I'll take that offer - sometime.”

  Esther: “Billy always seems to know when the herd will be there. But he says they are too tame to shoot at.”

  Gretchen: Whispering to Billy, “Are you sure you're not angry at us for stopping you from raising pigs?”

  Billy: “I don't blame you personally. If it were not you, it would have been somebody else who didn't want pigs out here. This area is no longer a good place to raise animals. And to tell the truth, I never liked slaughtering pigs. I had to take them away and have someone else do it. Since then, I can't even bring myself to kill a deer.”

  Duke: Who had stepped aside to hustle another neighbor, overhears the last part of the conversation. “What? You wouldn't kill a deer? I could. Except that I don't have a gun.”

  Billy: “Do you think you could drag the carcass of a deer out of the woods and sling it over your car's fender?”

  Duke: “I suppose so.”

  Billy: “Then, get yourself a rifle and become a hunter.”

  Duke; “Billy, I think I will!”

  The guests stand and thank their hosts and slowly walk toward the front entranceway. Duke, Fred, Gretchen, and Dina remain alone on the stage.

  Duke: Speaking to Fred, “Why did you have to tell him that it was okay to wait?”

  Fred: “I could see he was holding back, and the more you spoke the more he resisted. Couldn't you tell?”

  Duke: ”I guess I can't tell much about pig farmers.”

  Fred: “Let's take a walk and talk about it.”

  Duke: “Okay.” They head out the kitchen garden door.

  Gretchen and Dina are alone cleaning up the kitchen.

  Gretchen: “What do you think?”

  Dina: “I think Duke has a good business plan.”

  Gretchen: “That's not what I meant! What do you think of him?”

  Dina: Smiling. ”I can understand exactly how you feel. He's - well, er, gorgeous! Laughs.

  Gretchen: “Aha! You are beginning to see things my way!”

  Dina: “And he just made an offer to take you to see the deer herd.”

  Gretchen: “What's wrong with that?”

  Dina: “I'm betting that he won't just be scouting deer, when he takes you out there in his truck. It will be too dark to walk.”

  Gretchen: “Without Duke?”

  Dina: “Certainly, without Duke. Can't you see that the two of them don't like each other and won't ever get along? And can't you see that he's thinking of having some time alone with you?”

  Gretchen: “Do you really think so?”

  Dina: “I not only think so. I know so. And if I were you, I'd go for it!”

  Duke and Fred enter noisily from their walk.

  Duke: Excited. “Guess what we just saw? You won't believe it! Here on our property!”

  Gretchen: “What? I can't imagine what.”

  Duke: “We saw it right out back----a bear! A real black bear!”

  Fred: “And I'll verify the sighting.”

  Duke: “He looked like a big dog, maybe a Newfoundland Retriever.”

  Fred: “He was a lot bigger than any dog I’ve ever seen. Four times larger!”

  Dina: “What happened to him?”

  Fred: “ He ran off, disappeared in the woods.'

  Duke: “And we never saw him coming. Seeing that big guy out there makes me certain that my decision to buy a gun was right! And that's not all! We saw a huge, long black-colored snake lying across the road where a car had run over it!”

  Fred: “It was the longest snake that I have ever seen!”

  Gretchen: “You're not serious about buying a gun, are you, Duke?”

  Duke: “I'm worried about the kids hiking out back, or that monster breaking a window or door to get into our house. Right now, we’re defenseless!”

  Fred: “You ought to take one of those NRA courses, so you know what you're doing.”

  Duke: “A course to learn how to pull a trigger? I'm sure I can aim and fire a rifle without taking a course.”

  Gretchen: “I believe Fred is talk
ing about safety. Aren't you Fred?”

  Fred: “We read about gun accidents during hunting season every year.”

  Duke: “I'm not a hunter. All I want to do is defend myself, and maybe clear out those big rats, the deer that eat everything! And maybe do a little target shooting, so I can get the feel of shooting.”