Neighbors - The Lawyer and the Pig Farmer

by David Heyman

  ~ Curtain ~

  Act 3, Scene 4

  Fred: Helping Duke walk back to the Desantos home. “My God, Duke! They called the police!”

  Duke: Hobbling , in pain. “I think I broke my ankle! That's what I get for thinking I should apologize!”

  They enter the Desantos's kitchen, Duke limping.

  Dina: “How did you hurt your ankle? ”

  Duke: “I tripped, walking to the pig farmer's place . We were about half-way there, when I tripped. And my M-7 fired all by itself !”

  Fred: “Dina, I told Duke he didn't need the gun.”

  Duke: “Ow! I'm not going to walk around here at night without a gun, when there are bears, coyotes, and snakes all over the place!”

  Fred: “But you haven't taken the safety course, yet.”

  Duke: “If I had to, I could protect us without taking a course.”

  Fred: “You just showed us that.”

  Dina: “Hey! There're people with flashlights coming here from the Solomon's.”

  Fred: “They probably heard the shot.”

  Flashlights shine through the window from the approaching policemen.

  Fred: “Quiet. Someone's coming around the corner of the building.”

  Duke: “I'm going to get my gun!”

  Fred: “No, you’re not!” He takes the gun and again places it high above the kitchen cabinets.

  Dina: “Shall we hide?”

  Duke: “I can't run!”

  While they are talking about what to do, the two policemen kick open the front door and enter with their weapons drawn. Outside, there is a racket of sirens and loud engines as other police cars appear.

  Policeman #1: “Drop your weapons! Then, face down on the floor!”

  Duke: “You can't do that: we’re taxpayers and lawyers!”

  Policeman #1: “I don't care if you're the Attorney General! Stay down!“

  Dina: “You've got well-trained policemen here.”

  Duke: “You’ll be sorry when I get you in court! I'm well-known in this community. You must have seen my advertising on TV. 'The Desantos Law Firm.' And my motto is: 'Let the Vanguard of Democracy protect your rights.'“

  Policeman #2: “Where are your weapons?”

  Duke: “We don't have any weapons. All we have is a hunting rifle.”

  Policeman #1: “Where is it?”

  Duke: To Fred, “What did you do with it?”

  Fred: “I put it on top of the kitchen cabinets.” To the policeman, “I'll get it for you.”

  Policeman #1: “Oh, no! We’ll get it. You, the one who hid the gun. You’re abetting a crime!”

  Fred: “I didn't hide it. I wanted to put it in a safe place.”

  Policeman #1: “Hide it? Over the kitchen cabinet? It's the first place a child would look!”

  Duke: “Don't worry, Fred. I'll be your lawyer. I'll get you out of this!”

  Fred: “Well, you did get me into this. I'm not going to pay you to represent me.”

  Duke: “I expect you to represent me.”

  Dina: “Have you boys settled your pro-bonos? Maybe they will let us stand up now.”

  Policeman #1: “Yeah, all of you can stand up now.”

  Fred: To policemen. Standing with his arms cuffed behind him. “I really am a lawyer, you know. I'm Fred Already, esquire, from 'Brenner, Hoffstrom, and Already'. You must have seen our TV ads, with a group of serious men in dark suits are standing around a desk, looking compassionate. That's us. I mean that's me.”

  Policeman #2: To Fred, looking at Duke, “We know he's the criminal. You're the abettor. Now, I'd like to ask you one question. Why did you fire a shot into your neighbor’s house?”

  Duke, Fred, and Dina are flabbergasted

  Duke: “What are you taking about?”

  Policeman #1: “Don't tell us you don't know! Were you and your neighbor arguing about something? A property-line dispute? Two much eyeing of each other's wives? Some hanky-panky going on? There must have been something!”

  There's a noise at the garden entrance and all can hear a scream from Gretchen.

  Gretchen: “It's my house! And I'm going in! You're not going to stop me!”

  She runs into the room and stares at the handcuffed people. Another policeman comes running in.

  Policeman #3: “I couldn't stop her, Brannigan! She surprised me!”

  Duke: Turning his head up, “Tell them that I'm a lawyer, that I'm on TV, and well-known! Tell them!”

  Gretchen: “That's my husband. And he didn't do anything.” Seeing the rifle in a policeman’s hands, “At least, he doesn't know he did anything!”

  Dina: “Tell us. What is this all about?”

  Gretchen: “Someone fired a bullet into the Solomon's house. We don't know who, or why.”

  Fred: “Oh, oh!”

  Duke: “When I twisted my ankle and fell, I fired a shot into the woods.”

  Gretchen: “No, dear, it didn't go into the woods. It went through the Solomons’ window! Fortunately, no one was hit! Officers, he's innocent! Let my people go!”

  Policeman #1: “You guys can get into the car now. The two men here. Come with me. Lady,” (To Dina) “Go with the other officer.”

  Dina: “Why me? I didn't do anything!”

  Policeman #1: “You're a material witness.”

  Dina: “Didn't you hear? These men are lawyers!”

  Policeman #1: “Lady, even if you were Moses himself, we still give the orders. And don't bug me! We have put quite a few lawyers into the care of the state.”

  The policemen lead Duke, Fred, and Dina out the door to the police cars. The other police cars pull away and it's quiet again. Greg and Honey enter the kitchen.

  Greg: “I know my Dad hurt your feelings, but he would never have fired a gun into your kitchen on purpose.”

  Honey: “He's a hateful man!”

  Greg: “Not really. He just sounds that way. Didn't you hear him tell the policeman he was on his way to apologize to you? Lisa was there. Ask her.”

  Honey: “He's the kind of man who hurts other people without even realizing it. He ruined our whole night, and the entire neighborhood!

  “Did you hear the police wanted my Dad to go to the station to put in a complaint? He refused to go.”

  Greg: “I'm sure my Dad will apologize.”

  Honey: “He probably will, but it's too late to make much of a difference. The best thing that may come of this is the big lesson you had on not being like your father.”

  Greg: “I don't want to become a lawyer,”

  Honey: “That's not what I meant.”

  Greg: “Let's go and listen to some really loud music!”

  The young people leave backstage right. Gretchen and Esther enter from the garden door.

  Gretchen: “I can't believe what just happened here!”

  Esther: “I thought somebody was trying to kill us or frighten us away.”

  Gretchen: “Why would anybody want to do that?”

  Esther: “One never knows those things.” (Quiet follows.) “Of course, it could have been a poacher trying for a deer. That happened once years ago, just before you built your house. A shot came close to our house.”

  Gretchen: With great consternation, “It was all my fault!”

  Esther: “That's ridiculous. I'm sure you didn't make your husband tramp through the woods at night lugging a loaded rifle.”

  Gretchen: “But I made Duke angry.”

  Esther: “How? By going for a ride with Billy? And Billy might be having some second thoughts about that. I'm not concerned about that sort of thing, but it could be a mind-breaker for some men.”

  Gretchen: Cautiously, “Of course not! It's what I told Billy that set Duke off.”

  Esther: “What did you tell him for goodness sake?”

  Gretchen: Cautiously, “Why not? It was about the gas line. I said it might cause the deer we were spotting to lose their homes. I forgot I was not supposed to mention the gas line! And I kept you pe
ople from signing our incorporation papers!”

  Esther: “I don't know about that!”

  Gretchen: “None of this makes any difference now. I made Duke angry, and he had a lot on his mind. As long as you are here, why don't you have a glass of wine with me?”

  Esther: “Yes, I'd like that. You people have good wine here. But you don't know how wrong you are! We knew about the gas for months! We watched while the engineers surveyed the route. And most of the members of the Grange knew where the line would be.

  “The Grange met at our place all summer. I'm sure you saw all the pick-up trucks driving through. Most of us are poor by your standards, but we have a lot of land and hope leasing will bring us a little money.”

  Gretchen: “You knew, all along? Why didn't you tell us?”

  Esther: “Unlike your husband, my husband doesn't get paid for talking. He's a quiet man. He could have taken John Wayne's place in “The Quiet Man.”

  Gretchen: “He sure could. Why, he even looks like John Wayne.”

  Honey: Calling from the kitchen, “Who's John Wayne?”

  Gretchen: “A handsome old-time actor. Why do you keep listening to our conversation?”

  Honey: “How else am I going to know what’s going on here?”

  Gretchen: “You don't have to know everything. Especially if you might hear something that will make you cry again.”

  Esther: “Although I prefer to let Billy make our business decisions, I would have told you, but you didn't ask.”

  Gretchen: “That's right. We didn't ask you. We didn't even know you.”

  Billy walks in with Lisa, and Greg.

  Esther: “What have you been doing?”

  Billy: “I had to cover the hole in our shattered window with cardboard . I'll get the glass tomorrow. Have you ladies had a good chat?”

  Gretchen: “Of course. Isn't it always the women who have to get things started again, after the boys have had their little jousts and petty wars?”

  Esther: “Yes, and where are the boys anyway?”

  Billy: “The police took Dina and them to the station an hour ago. You should have heard your husband. He was bound and determined to call everyone he knew in government. (Smiling.) The police were tired of listening to him even before he got into their car.”

  The phone rings. Lisa answers.

  Lisa: “Mom. Dad. It's the police station. They want to know if there’s someone here who can drive Dina, Dad and Uncle Fred home.”

  Billy: “I'd volunteer. But I'd have to keep the windows in my truck open a little, to let the hot air out.” He laughs and goes into the kitchen with the children.

  Gretchen: Taking the phone. “Oh! They just said there's a policeman going off duty who will bring them home. Good. It's one advantage of a small town.”

  The lights shift to the children in the kitchen, where they are dipping ice cream and topping it with whipped cream.

  Lisa: “I like ice cream more than I like corn.”

  Greg: “So-o-o-?”

  Lisa: “Don't 'so-o-o' me. I wasn't talking to you !”

  Honey: “Don't start fighting. Would you like to take a walk and see if we can find the fawn? Dad, would you help us find the fawn?”

  Billy: “Certainly.” They nod agreement and go out the garden door.

  The lights dim and come back on where the women are sitting in the living room down stage. The police bring Dina, Duke and Fred home. The two lawyers are speaking loudly and laughing as they recount their stay in the police station.

  Fred: “I'm glad to get those cuffs off. They were hurting my wrists!”

  Duke: “I'll bet they don't put them as tight on real criminals.”

  Gretchen: “Oh, Fred, I'm so sorry.”

  Fred: “It nothing for you to be sorry about. You should have heard Duke telling the police they didn't know what they were doing.”

  Gretchen: “My husband. Arguing with the police?”

  Dina: “He gave all the policemen headaches, and the desk sergeant turned off his hearing aid.”

  Duke: “I just made sure they knew who I was. I even had them turn on the TV to see my ad! And I signed up to represent Fred in court.”

  Fred: “And I'm going to represent Duke.”

  Gretchen: “You’re going to court?”

  Duke: “Of course. That's why they’re so afraid of me. I pled not guilty!”

  Gretchen: “Does that mean you aren't going to pay for the window and other damages?”

  Duke: “Of course not! I fully intend to pay the pig farmer for any damage I've done.”

  Changing the subject, “But getting arrested was a good experience for both of us. I'd say we can call it a learning experience. After being handcuffed and booked like a common criminals, we’ll have more empathy for our clients.”

  Dina: “Just think of how much empathy you’ll have after spending a few months in jail. You might even meet some of our old clients there! Then, you can use the story in your TV ads. Attorneys who have been arrested and know exactly how you feel.”

  Esther: Openly offended. “Oh! Mr. Desantos. What can I tell you? Billy will give you a bill for repairs, once we have everything we need. I'll let him take care of business deals in his own way. He's good at it.”

  Duke: “Yeah, yeah. I hear you. But he won't even take part in a deal that would be quite profitable for him.

  “Here he comes now. Maybe, now that the air is cleared, I can talk to him about the corporation.”

  Billy and the children arrive from the garden.

  Lisa: “The fawn is gone!”

  Greg: “I tried to tell her that just because the fawn hasn't slept next to the garage for two nights, doesn't mean anything bad happened to him.”

  Lisa: “They won't come back anymore, because they’re afraid of the gun.”

  Greg: “We don't know that.”

  Duke: “Billy, come over here and have some wine with us. Gretchen, would you get him a glass so we can make a toast to our new corporation.”

  Billy: “Sure.”

  Duke: “I'll get a copy of the agreement.” He looks in his desk and pulls out a pack of paper.

  Billy: To Esther, “Shall I tell him?”

  Esther: Nods, “Yes, by all means!”

  Billy: To Gretchen, “Shall I tell him?”

  Gretchen: Nods slowly, “Yes.”

  Gretchen: “What do you intend to tell him?” (Worried)

  Lisa: “The fawn is gone.” (Begins to cry.)

  Duke tries handing a document on a clipboard to Billy, who takes it, but doesn't pay any attention to it.

  Billy: “I'm not going to sign up with the River Valley Homesteaders. Not at all!”

  Duke has trouble saying anything.

  Billy: “In fact, I might as well tell you what we are doing, but I can assure you, it won't interfere with your Homesteaders Group.

  “In the first place, I and other members of our Grange have been watching development of the gas fields carefully. We knew right from the start that a gas line would be built across some of our properties.

  “We’ve already organized and are ready to sign a lease agreement with General Resources.”

  Duke is awestruck.

  Billy: Continuing, “Secondly, one of our members was bothered by some strange dark goo that made puddles on his land and made it hard to plow. Turns out that the goo is oil. And we made sure our lease included mineral rights and oil.”

  Duke: “Oil, too? It can't be! You must have listened to my phone conversations! There's no way anyone not in the county engineer's office could have known that!”

  Gretchen: “No, Dear! They watched the surveyors.”

  Duke: “How in hell do you know that?

  Gretchen: “I just know. And you’re going to have to learn that you’re not the Center of the Universe!

  Lisa: “The fawn is gone!” (Cries.)

  Duke looks around. Honey and Greg are kneeling next to Lisa, trying to console her.

  Fred a
nd Dina are looking at each other with their backs to him.

  Gretchen has walked away and is looking out a window.

  Duke clears his throat and looks from one character to the next. It seems the others are shunning him. After at least a minute of silence, he stares at the ceilings and does a walking maneuver. He seems to be overcome with an idea that changes his mood entirely. He walks over to Lisa, but she turns her back to him.

  Duke: “I'm sorry. I won't ever again fire a gun near my home. I think I can get used to having deer living near us.”

  He stands up and wants to address the others, who still have their backs to him.

  Duke: Moving closer to Gretchen. “Center of the Universe! Me? Are you trying to be funny?”

  Nobody replies. The characters are utterly silent.

  Duke: “All right! I was wrong!”

  Gretchen turns her back on him.

  Duke comes to the edge of the stage and assumes his monologue stance of addressing a jury. While the others totally ignore him and face away from him, he rationalizes to the audience. The others are still and appear not to hear him.

  Duke: “I thought I was doing everything I could for my family, my neighbors, my State. Even if you don't understand me, I must admit that I realized you can't help anyone else unless you help yourself first. My dream was to climb the ladder of success until I reached the place where I could help other people.”

  He turns to his family and friends who continue to shun him.

  Duke: “Do you hear me? Do you hear me?”

  Hearing no reply, he stomps off the stage via the garage door. The audience hears a car engine start and then speed away.

  Lisa: “Where is Daddy going?”

  Gretchen: “I don't know. He needs to let off some steam”

  Billy: “I think he's driving up the access road! His car won't clear those ruts!”

  Fred: “Why is he going out there? Isn't he afraid of animals? Should we go after him?”

  Gretchen: “No! He wouldn't want us to follow him. Besides I don't have anything more to say to him.”

  Esther: “I'm sorry. I didn't expect him to be so upset with the news. It's time for us to go home. Maybe things will look better after a good night's sleep.”

  Billy and Esther proceed out the garden door, Billy using a large flashlight to lead the way.

  Gretchen lights a candle on the kitchen table. It is silent again.

  Gretchen: “Where do you think he is?”

  Fred: “Sitting in his car, stuck somewhere out there.”

  Greg: “Maybe I should look for him. I know all the trails.”

  Gretchen: “Let's just wait and see. If he's stuck out there, he can use the time to think.”

  Dina: “He's going to come back and tell us how we destroyed his plans.”

  Gretchen: “Dina, I'm desperately tired. Listening to your crabbing makes me even more tired.”

  Lisa moves over to sit next to Dina, as though to defend her Aunt. Fred falls asleep resting his head on his arms on the kitchen table. Gretchen tends the candle (Or the fireplace) and sits back in her chair. Greg stretches out on a sofa. The characters breathe heavily. The lights dim. A ticking pendulum clock is heard, illustrating the passage of time. Also, lights dim for a minute or two, and then come back on.

  There is a loud crashing sound at the garden door. It is Duke, who falls into the house onto his knees. His clothes are disheveled and he appears to have briar scratches.

  Duke: “At last! I thought I was never going to make it!”

  The others awake in their sleeping positions and slowly go the entranceway to meet Duke.

  Duke: “My car got stuck, so I walked home. I had only this small flashlight in the car, so I couldn't see well. I lost my way a few times. Finally, I spotted our house lights and ran through the woods to find the road again. You’ll never guess what helped me find the path!”

  Lisa: “A compass?”

  Greg: “The moon or the stars?”

  Duke: “No. I tried to walk back the way I drove out. There were these huge dark shapes on either side of the access road. Very scary. Every now and then, using my little flashlight, I saw pairs of eyes. At first, I worried about bears and coyotes. But I soon realized they belonged to deer, a lot of them! They seemed to be guiding me along the road, even protecting me! Suddenly, I was no longer afraid. I put my trust in those deer! I've never experienced anything like that before!”

  Standing up and moving closer to Dina and Fred. “I know, Fred, I exceeded the bounds of our profession. I thought I was smarter than everyone else. I now realize how ordinary I am. (Sobs a little.) I tried to use for my own profit what I learned confidentially in my position.

  “Fred, I’m giving up my plan for Bear Mountain! You can still help me represent the townspeople. We will be a strong team. Oakland Electric will have to find someone else to represent them.“

  Fred turns around and faces Duke.

  “And my two properties where the water treatment facility will be built: they’ll become the property of The River Valley Homesteader's Association. I'd like to sign them over to the corporation right now!

  “And Dina, welcome to my home, as my guest, and as my sister-in-law. Not as my former secretary.”

  Dina turns around and faces him.

  “And my dear, Gretchen. How you have put up with me, I don't know.” (She still has her back to him.)

  Gretchen: “I hope you will be kinder to the people next door.”

  Duke: “I certainly will. Even though they concealed their ties with another group, and even though they withheld evidence, they are not bad people.”

  Gretchen: “Aren't you ever going to stop talking like a lawyer?”

  Duke: “Of course. I intend to listen more to what you have to say. And I'm going to keep my eyes on you, for you are the center of my universe! Case closed!”

  She faces him, and he holds her.

  ~ Curtain ~

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