Saving Kenna

by D. L. Raver

  “Why? Why is it too late?”

  “Don’t you get it? I’m. Fucking. Broken! Marcus and Joe ruined me!”

  “I don’t believe that, Kenna. You’re cracked and battered but you’re not completely broken. Let me help you. Please.”

  “How? By following me around? Spying on me and inserting yourself into my life when you don’t like what I’m doing?”

  “It’s better than letting you fuck some random guy. That would kill me and you would have regretted it. I won’t let that happen.”

  The window fogged over with the condensation from our heated argument, hiding us from the world outside my car.

  I couldn’t help but think we should be done hiding.

  “Why does it matter to you anyway?”

  “What do you mean why does it matter? You're everything to me,” I said incredulously.

  How could she not know that?

  “No Sloan. Once upon a time, I was yours, heart, body, and soul. From the time I met you when I was sixteen, I knew there would never be anyone for me but you. But it wasn’t the same for you. You walked away from me every time we got close. I was never important enough for you to stick around. Every fucking piece you begrudgingly gave me was like a fucking slap in the face when I gave you everything. I’m tired of waking up alone. I want more. I want the piece of you I had back.”

  “The baby wasn’t mine.” I dropped her hand. Even though she hadn’t said the word baby, I knew that’s what she meant. I wanted to clamp my hands over my ears, because I didn’t want to hear her truth.

  Her truth wasn’t my truth.

  “Yes, it was! I know it.”

  “You can’t know it. It’s impossible.”

  “You’re wrong! With each cramp and contraction, I felt the soul we’d created exit my body. Too late, I realized we had made a huge, irrevocable mistake made even more tragic by the bloody remains of our child that I murdered.”

  “No! You’re wrong!” Tears stung the back of my eyes, and I blinked them away.

  “We were yours.” She put her hand over my heart. “But not anymore. I don’t belong to you anymore.”

  Tears ran down her cheeks as she snatched her hand from my chest. Black mascara trails darkened her lovely face, and she wrapped protective arms around her midsection.

  Her words struck at the heart of us, and I wanted to dismiss them. This would be so much easier if I could deny her words. But deep inside, I worried she spoke the truth. If I wouldn’t have left her that night after Zolt’s we might have had a chance.

  Guilt turned my stomach and had me pushing back from her. I closed my eyes and fought for the control that quickly slipped from my grasp.

  “You're wrong, Kenna. You do belong to me. You'll always be mine.” I opened my eyes and stared directly into her green gaze, expecting to see a softening in my direction.

  Scorn and resentment greeted me instead.

  “Even now, after everything, you still can't say the words to me, Sloan. You could change this—fix some of what is broken. But I won’t force the words from you. If they don’t come naturally, then they don’t exist.”

  “No, Kenna, you know I do.”

  “Then say it! Tell me you love me! Fight for me. Fight for us!”

  God, I wanted to. Wanted to pull her to me and tell her I loved her so much I couldn't see straight, but I couldn't. I was too afraid of what would happen if gave voice to those three little—yet incredibly massive—words.

  If I acknowledged the one thing I’d denied myself all these years, my carefully constructed defenses would crumble into pieces around me.

  “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you. The whole time with Marcus, all I could think about, and hope for, was you would save me so we could be together. It’s all I ever wanted. I can see now, that will never happen. This lie between us has to stop. I can’t do this anymore.” She dashed at her tears with the back of her hand. “I can’t be the only one in love in this relationship anymore.”

  “Please Kenna. Don’t. We can get through this. We can. We just need time.” I rubbed at my eyes with the palms of my hands, suddenly feeling desperate and exhausted.

  “No. I’m too broken. You’re too broken. We’re too broken. Some things can’t be fixed no matter how badly you want to mend them.”

  Her bottom lip trembled with emotions, and I did nothing; said nothing. In that silent gap, Kenna made her choice.

  “The problem is I can’t love you and I can’t hate you. I need to just nix you. Loving you hurts too much.”

  “Kenna!” I heard the plea in my voice as I yelled her name, but it was too late. She opened the door and climbed out of my car.

  Through my emotional haze, I watched her go inside and shut the door without looking back.

  “I love you, Kenna.” The words fell from my lips in a broken sigh too late to matter.

  I had killed the love between us.

  She was right, we were living a lie, but I wasn’t sure exactly what lie she referred to. She didn’t know about my life with the Ceilte, and she didn’t know about Irelyn.

  What I did know was Kenna had handed me her heart and I had been reckless with it.

  Now, I had nothing.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Kenna

  AFTER LEAVING SLOAN in his car, I cried myself to sleep. It was one of those ugly, snotty cries I was glad no one had witnessed. Somewhere inside, I guess I believed Sloan would fight for us, but when it came down to it, he didn’t; he simply let me walk away. In some ways, that hurt worse than anything else.

  But what did I expect? A major lie hung between us. He refused to tell me the truth about who he really was, and I refused to tell him I knew. We were at a silent impasse with no foundation for us to build on—want alone wasn’t enough.

  I went into autopilot after that night, compartmentalizing everything, making sure to bury deep the more painful aspects of my life. Unfortunately, Sloan was now entombed so deep in my consciousness I almost couldn’t remember what he looked like.

  Couldn’t remember his intense gunmetal grays that practically undressed me every time he looked at me.

  Couldn’t remember the sound of his Irish accent and the way it caressed my name. And I definitely forgot the way it felt to have his large hands skim every inch of my body while my fingers played in his dark wavy locks.

  All of these memories were confined to the doesn’t- fucking-matter-anymore section of my mind, never to be thought of again.

  My dreams, however, refused to acknowledge the existence of the doesn’t- fucking-matter-anymore section, and every night, Sloan came to me, loving me, telling me all the things he never seemed to be able to say to me in person.

  In my dreams, he fought for me and for us. Sometimes, the dreams included a child with black hair that looked just like Sloan.

  Those were the dreams I hated the most.

  If I thought the nightmares of what Marcus and Joe had done to me were excruciating, dreams of Sloan and me were downright paralyzing. Giving up on something I had wanted didn’t sit right with me, but what other choice did I have?

  Sometimes, the fates had different ideas for what your life should look like. It wasn’t enough Sloan thought his actions spoke louder than his words.

  Words had power. Sometimes, the absence of them was louder than any verbal endorsement ever could be.

  So each day, I went through the motions. Though I had signed up for fall classes, I had missed signing up for summer school, so I found a literature class online and threw myself into it.

  Student Kenna I recognized, in fact, she was the only thing about me that seemed remotely familiar. Everything else was a front so my parents wouldn’t continually question my every move.

  I smiled when appropriate, and I laughed even when I didn’t find anything funny. I did what everyone thought I should do. Whenever possible, I avoided Rachel and Cory, and Irelyn and Zolt. Watching the two couples together reminded me of what I didn’t have, a
nd it reminded me their lives had moved on despite mine coming to a screeching halt.

  I wanted to hate them for it, but I couldn’t blame them. Once or twice, I came close to getting in their faces and screaming “Hey, remember me? I’m the one who had her life ripped from her.”

  My sorry spiral had trapped me, and it wasn’t about to loosen its grip anytime soon.

  Because I looked bright, shiny, and new on the outside, my parents left me alone. They subscribed to the philosophy if we pretend it didn’t happen, than it didn’t. Put it behind you and move on.

  The problem, however, was it wasn’t behind me, and I hadn’t moved on. It was a living, breathing entity inside me that didn’t give me a moment’s peace. My heart had been broken into so many pieces, I wondered if it would ever come together again. Several of those pieces had Sloan’s name on them, and one piece that stood out from all the rest, had the baby’s name on it.

  Each day, I mourned the loss of my relationship with Sloan and the decisions I had made. Even though I knew it was impossible to ever know who had fathered my child, it didn’t stop me from convincing myself it was Sloan.

  Second guessing became my favorite implement of torture. If I thought Marcus had been a master of inflicting pain, I had him beat by a mile. I knew exactly which buttons to push to make myself the most miserable.

  Part of my misery came from wishing Sloan would come to his senses and finally fight for us, but he didn’t. He, apparently, had found a way to move on from me, and I guess I should be happy at least one of us still knew how to move forward.

  Most of the time, I felt like I was slowly fading away, and I knew I should reach out to someone and ask for help.

  Brody would be there if I did—one phone call and he’d come running.

  I never made that call.

  Irelyn called me daily, but I rarely answered. She wanted to persuade me to visit Delaney. But I guess I operated on the same premise my parents did, and seeing the dying woman again would make it all real.

  One afternoon, after spending the day in a café, drinking too much coffee and reading the classics for my online literature class, I found myself driving past the Tae Kwon Do dojang where I’d spent a good part of my life before everything changed.

  Charlie had left several messages and I had ignored them all.

  The next thing I knew, I had pulled into the parking lot and was opening the front door. As was customary, I bowed before coming into the dojang.

  Charlie Denton smiled when he saw me enter. Before I could bow to him, he picked me up and hugged me tightly.

  “Kenna! I’m so glad to see you. How are you? I’ve called several times.” The hulking man set me on my feet and I stepped back from him. In all the years I had trained with him, he’d never hugged me. Charlie was an amazing man and I adored him, but he wasn’t a hugger.

  “Uh, fine,” I mumbled, feeling kind of embarrassed by his show of emotion.

  He took my face in his hands and his brown eyes considered me. “Are you?”

  “Trying to be.” I shrugged.

  “Come sit with me outside in the courtyard.” He grabbed two bottles of water before we headed outside into the courtyard behind the building.

  The mid-July day was hotter than hell, so we sat under a pergola and its cooling misters. The smell of honeysuckle sweetened the air, and I leaned my head back and relaxed.

  “Talk to me, Kenna. Tell me what’s going on.” Charlie handed me a bottle of water and I took it gratefully.

  “Nothing. I’m taking an online literature class and waiting for fall semester.” I twisted the lid of the bottle and avoided his eyes.

  “Kenna.” Something in his voice said he didn’t believe my attempts at hedging. My eyes found his grizzled face and his sad smile.

  “I…” I cleared my throat to unclog the words trapped there. “I did everything wrong. All the things you taught me, I didn’t do. I went outside in the middle of the night without checking my surroundings. I was distracted—”

  “Kenna, what happened to you wasn’t your fault. You were abducted from your front yard. How could you possibly know you wouldn’t be safe there?”

  “I tried to get away, Charlie. I had an opportunity, and I tried to take advantage of it, but I failed. Luckily, he knocked me out so at least I don’t remember what he did to me. Everything else, I try really hard not to think about.”

  Charlie sat back in his chair and steepled his fingers. I noticed for the first time that his long, black hair wasn’t pulled back into his usual ponytail.

  “So they took your power, what are you going to do to get it back?”

  I stared at my bottle of water and started to peel the label from the bottle. “I don’t think I can get it back.”

  “Really?” His large hand covered mine and squeezed.

  I lifted my gaze to his. “Really. I feel like I’m fading away. I almost don’t recognize the person I see in the mirror every morning.”

  “Ever since I heard about what happened, I’ve been thinking about you, and I would like to suggest something if I might.”

  “Sure.”

  “I happen to have a friend who owns a place in Santa Barbara, California, the Laochra Retreat and Training Center I believe would be great for you.”

  “Really? A training center?” The thought of leaving Scottsdale sparked my interest.

  “It’s a retreat of sorts, but also a training center. He trains people in weapons, hand to hand combat, and the like. At the same time, he also concentrates on emotional wellbeing. This would be the perfect place for you to get your power back. To find out who and what Kenna is now.”

  I sat up a little straighter, feeling even more interested. Then, I thought about my parents and realized they’d never let me go. My shoulders slumped forward.

  “Kieran owes me a favor. I can set it up for you, and it won’t cost you anything if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “It’s not that. I don’t think my parents will let me go. How long would it be for?”

  “As long as you wanted to be there. You come back when you’re ready.”

  “Oh.”

  “It’s a beautiful facility with access to the beach and the mountains. It’s the perfect place for someone with your martial arts training and skill to go and heal. It just so happens I’m making my yearly visit tomorrow. You’re welcome to come with me.”

  The more Charlie talked about it, the more I liked the idea, and the fact he’d be there made it more appealing.

  “I could pay, Charlie. There’s no need to call in a favor on my account.”

  Charlie smiled at me and took a drink of water. “We can work that out at a later date. I’m leaving from here at nine in the morning. I hope you will come with me. It will be hard work, Kenna. This isn’t a vacation on the beach. You’ll go to bed every night exhausted.”

  “I don’t need to think about it. I want to go. I’ll be here in the morning.” I stood and put my hands in the back pockets of my shorts.

  “Wonderful Kenna. I think this is perfect for you.”

  I nodded. How I would swing this without a fight from my parents, I didn’t have a clue, but something about the thought of Santa Barbara seemed right to me—like it was meant to be. Here, I slowly lost everything about me that made me Kenna.

  Leaving the dojang, I felt happy for the first time since coming home. This decision had me moving forward instead of standing still. I would go to Santa Barbara, even if I had to lie to my parents to do it.

  My phone rang and I answered it without looking at the screen.

  “Kenna,” Irelyn’s voice sounded broken hearted.

  “What’s wrong, Irelyn?” I cursed myself for not checking the number. I had a good idea what she wanted from me.

  “It’s Delaney.” Irelyn’s voice broke. “She’s not doing well, Kenna. I know I asked once, but I’m asking—no, I’m begging. Please come see her. She’s asked for you again. There isn’t much time left. I don’t wa
nt this to be something you regret later.”

  “All right,” I relented. “Text me the address and I’ll come.”

  I sat in a chair next to Delaney’s hospital bed at the house Irelyn and Zolt had rented for her. The white, embroidered night gown swallowed the diminishing woman in yards of cotton. The room was brightly decorated with lovely, fresh-cut flowers and cheerful art, but all of that couldn’t disguise the unmistakable air of death that clung to her. A burning vanilla candle only masked the smell.

  It saddened me, the woman I’d first seen as a raven-haired beauty with incredible blue eyes looked nothing like the woman before me. She was gone, replaced with a brown-eyed, blonde-haired woman that looked so much like Irelyn it weirded me out.

  “Kenna,” she said weakly, taking labored breaths. “I’m so happy you’re here. I’ve been worried about you.”

  “Me?” I blinked back my tears. “I’m fine, Delaney.”

  “Don’t lie to a dying woman. I can see the truth in your eyes.”

  I dropped my gaze to my hands twisting in my lap. Compared to her, I was fine. I was alive even if I sometimes didn’t act like it.

  “Help me sit up, please.”

  I nodded and arranged the pillows behind her, then helped her into a sitting position. The woman that had helped me all those weeks ago had been strong and determined. This Delaney had accepted her fate and the light had gone from her eyes.

  “Look at me, Kenna,” she said and held my hand.

  I reluctantly did as she asked, swallowing hard past the lump in my throat.

  “Don’t let what Marcus and Joe did to you define your life. Be better than me. Live a life worthy of the woman you are. I lived my life terrified of what I couldn’t control and look where it got me. While you can’t control what happened, you can control what you do with what’s left of your life.”

  My nosed wrinkled, and I squeezed my eyes close against the tears. “I could never do what you did. Never take the life of the man I loved.”

  “Kenna, I ended the life of a man I no longer recognized. My Marcus would never hurt innocent women. My Marcus protected me always. I failed my Marcus when I didn’t stay; when I saw him changing and left instead of working to save him. I couldn’t let you, or any other woman, be punished in my stead. So you see, I acted selfishly. The only way I could die in peace was knowing I had removed a vile and cruel man from the world.”