Equal Access

by A. E. Branson

  “I know.” Dulsie was well aware of her own situation.

  “And that’s how secrets get kept. Secrets are very powerful.” Dad’s gaze seemed to drift back to the wall across from him. “My father didn’t hit Mom or my sisters, but he could still be very intimidating. But Mom didn’t want his secret to get out. They were upstanding members of the church and unfortunately appearances were more important to her than truth. And she was also generous to a fault, wanting to keep his public persona safe. When I was around twelve I did go to a priest about what was going on in my family, but unfortunately he was a product of his time. For one thing he didn’t believe me, and he said even if it were true it was just the cross we had to bear and depend on God to help us work through it. Needless to say, on my eighteenth birthday I was outta there, and my drift from what heritage I had with them got sealed when I met your mom.”

  Dad redirected his attention to her. “My father’s a control freak. I still don’t have contact even with my sisters because of the mind games he keeps playing with them, telling everybody how I’m the black sheep of the family. And as much as it hurt my mom’s heart, I had to break contact with my family. That way nobody will blame them, and especially not him. And to protect my own family I had to keep you all away from him. So he keeps the world revolving around him, and his secret is safe.”

  Dulsie’s thoughts turned to the day of Grandma’s funeral. How Grandpa scrutinized her, and she became uneasy enough to step behind Shad....

  “But you did get together with Grandma.” Her gaze locked on Dad’s. “I have a few vague memories of having visits with her.”

  “You remember that?” Dad smiled a little, but then he shrugged and shook his head. “For a few weeks I got to talk with Mom again. You weren’t even five years old. We had a chance meeting at the grocery store and you happened to be with me.” He smiled again. “You were the perfect bait. Your grandma was happy to see me, but she was absolutely tickled to see you. We did start trying to find ways to get together, and she finally met your mom and your brothers.” Dad’s smile vanished as he sighed again. “But then my father found out, and that ended that. But I’ll always be grateful to God we at least had those few weeks. Mom and I were able to ... get some closure. If she’d died without us having that, I think I would’ve been more devastated.”

  How strange that Dad would draw a parallel so close to what Dulsie was going through now. She could easily believe he didn’t feel love for his father, and yet love was the only reason that could explain his willingness to give Grandpa the chance to apologize and accept that apology with grace. Right now Dulsie felt no warmth toward Shad, yet love made her determined to guard his secret. Shad wanted to make amends, and Dulsie knew that was what she should do, but it was proving to be quite difficult. This was so personal.

  A nurse suddenly arrived with a wheelchair, and Dulsie wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or disappointed that her current chat with Dad would have to be interrupted. She only knew this struggle wasn’t going to end soon, and Lord only knew what Shad was up to now.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self.

  --Aristotle

  Wally arrived at the hotel lobby wearing brown slacks and a striped polo shirt that wasn’t tucked in. He sat at the table across from Shad in the corner of the dining area where the hotel offered a complimentary continental breakfast to their guests. There were only a half dozen tables in the room, and four were occupied even though this was a Friday morning.

  Shad had already eaten a bagel and finished sipping his cup of orange juice as Wally sat down.

  “I’m glad you agreed to come,” Shad stated matter-of-factly as he set the cup back on the table. “You’re doing yourself a favor.”

  Wally frowned and glanced around the room. “I expected something a little more private.”

  “You would’ve liked something a little more private. I really don’t believe you have it in you to finish the job yourself, but obviously I have a whole new reason to not want to be alone with you.”

  Wally’s gaze locked on his face. “Now what are you going on about?”

  Shad couldn’t resist smirking. “I hope you’re not dedicated to playing that role to the bitter end, or else it will be bitter. Your secret’s out, Wally, or it will be very soon. You see, your little plan to keep me silent has sorta rebounded on you. I wasn’t home the night your hired gun showed up, so he missed me entirely and shot my wife instead.”

  As Shad spoke those last few words he was inundated with the urge to hurl the table over and grab Wally by the throat before pounding his head into the drywall. But this public setting was as much to help Shad maintain control as it was for his safety. The lines in Wally’s brow furrowed even deeper.

  “Sorry about your wife, but I don’t have any idea what –”

  “Shove it. I’ve already had an interesting conversation with the sheriff. You see, the spouse is always the prime suspect in this sort of scenario. Naturally they wanted to search everything I have, even my computer. But my computer is the one thing I didn’t let them search, which naturally raised their interest in it so they’ve obtained a search warrant by now to seize it. So yesterday I skipped town, which naturally will make them even more interested in catching up to me. And I came here, Wally, so I could be closer to you.”

  Wally kept a pretty good poker face, but Shad was certain that wouldn’t last much longer.

  Shad continued. “I figured since they’re gonna search my computer anyway, I might as well give them something to look at. So last night I hacked into your computer, and I found files and internet data which I saved and backed up all for the benefit of the police. The twist here is that the evidence I obtained illegally will be discovered by them in a legal manner, and they’ll be very interested in talking to you – especially after I’ve sang like a canary about our recent history.”

  Wally visibly swallowed and glanced around the room before he spoke. “You can’t threaten me. This is all a bluff.”

  “I never bluff.”

  “You’ve got to be. I keep all the security on my computer updated. You couldn’t hack in there in one night.”

  “Well yeah, you’re right.” Shad smiled even as he envisioned landing a good right punch on Wally’s nose. “But you seem to have forgotten I’ve had several days to set up for my invasion last night. How else would I find out about your little organization? Part of the beauty of this scenario is that all your cronies with the children’s rights advocacy group will go down as well. Many children across the state will finally be safe.” He locked his gaze with Wally’s. “Especially Tyler.”

  Wally actually looked worried enough for Shad to notice it. “Then why are we having this meeting? Why are you letting me in on your plan?”

  Shad continued to smile. He hadn’t expected to actually experience some enjoyment from this conversation. Maybe this was what it had been like for Quaid as he conned swindlers on his stream boat voyages. “Because it’s one thing to sacrifice myself and another to take a flying leap into the lions’ den. You just heard plan A, the one with the bitter end where you wind up in prison because I see to it the prosecuting attorney slams you with maximum everything. And I’m sure you’ve heard the stories about what the other prisoners do to child molesters.

  “But I’m giving you the option to choose plan B. You turn yourself in for attempted murder. And beg to go into psychotherapy. And I’ll not only keep the prosecuting attorney on a leash, I’ll help you to secure the very finest counsel money can buy. You can get a lighter sentence, maybe get to spend time protected in a psyche ward. Then you can get out and basically be left alone as long as you don’t try to live too close to school yards.”

  Wally studied him for a few seconds before replying. “I’d rather take plan C.”

  Shad anticipated this. “Illuminate me.”

  “Turning myself in
won’t get you off the hook. I’ll tell them about your hacking. I’ll take you down with me.”

  Shad smiled. “Remember the sheriff’s warrant? I’ve already figured I’ll be disbarred before this is all over with. But I’ve come to appreciate that I’m a man of many talents. I’ll just get myself a less stressful job and move on with my life while in the meantime yours just rots.”

  “I can even get creative with what I tell the police about you.” Wally looked determined. “Once they know about our distant history it’ll be a cinch to insinuate there’s even more they’ll need to investigate you for. Going after youth-lovers is like a witch hunt in this country. Think about what your family will go through.”

  Wally did have some ammunition there, and Shad flinched inwardly for a second. But he thought of Dulsie on the hospital bed and remembered he was here to atone for that.

  “You don’t get it, do you? I don’t care what happens to me. And you’ve already done the worst you can to my family.” Shad’s urge to simply knock the table over on top of Wally and begin a stomp dance was getting harder to keep reined in. His voice started to get gruffer. “I’m already a man with nothing to lose. If you try to screw with me anymore I’ll rip your head off in front of a mirror so you can watch me do it.”

  “Are you threatening me?” Wally’s own tone was serious.

  “Freedom of speech, baby. Now which is it gonna be? Do I hold your hand down to the police station or do I get to start tenderizing your face with my fists so that the police come here?”

  Wally’s eyes widened slightly. “You wouldn’t.”

  “I’m looking forward to it. Don’t forget I learned from the masters.”

  “You’ll be the one hauled in by the police if you assault me.”

  “Did you forget the police are already looking for me and my computer?” Shad leaned forward. “I promise I’ll try to give you such a thrashing you’ll need to go to the hospital, which will make it harder for you to make a run for it. And even if you do, you’ll be forever looking over your shoulder because you’ll finally be on their radar. And I’ll never give up looking for you. I’ve found you once, Wally. I’ll find you again.”

  Wally regarded him for a while, then drew a deep breath and lowered his head into his hands so that his fingers raked through his hair.

  “You really don’t give me any choice, do you?” Wally muttered to the table top before he looked back up at Shad. “Then we’ll go to the police station. But be assured –”

  “Squeal all you want. You’d disappoint them if you didn’t. In the meantime I’ll arrange our transportation.”

  With his hands still clasped to the sides of his head, Wally stared almost blankly at Shad while the younger man pulled his cell phone from his shorts pocket. While still keeping one eye on Wally, Shad noticed that Eliot had returned his call, but because Shad put the phone on silent to keep his conversation with Wally uninterrupted, his necessary conversation with Eliot was going to have to wait a little longer. Shad called the cab company while maintaining a close watch on Wally. When Shad was done arranging to have a taxi pick them up, Wally lowered his hands to the table.

  “Can I at least get something to drink while we wait?”

  Shad immediately suspected his motivation and almost snapped back “No.” But his desire to wring Wally’s neck convinced Shad to respond otherwise. “I’ll go with you.”

  He followed Wally very closely as the man ambled to the counter and approached the coffee pot. As Shad watched him pour a cup of the steaming beverage his wariness and readiness increased.

  Fascinating, he felt so alive at this moment. All of Shad’s senses were on high alert, and he believed he could dodge an airborne stream of scalding coffee while simultaneously tackling Wally to pummel any more such notions right out of his head. Was this the kind of power trip that made the cycle of abuse so addictive to those who joined sub-humanity? Was his brain experiencing the same neurochemical wash that created people who became predators? It was an alluring sensation, tantalizing, and Shad knew he could grow to like it even as a small voice in his conscience whispered caution.

  Wally half-turned and his gaze met Shad’s. In that couple of seconds Shad actually believed he saw a flicker of fright in the man’s eyes before he looked away and shuffled back to the table. Almost disappointed, Shad tailed him back, and as he did so realized how aware of the room he was. The family with a couple of chatty school-age kids seemed unaware of them, but the elderly couple at another table and the three young women at the last table would occasionally cast a furtive glance their way.

  Shad watched Wally silently sip his coffee, and part of Shad wished Wally would try something. That other dark demon that had been lurking within him all these years, the one he always knew was there, raged against being so close to freedom and yet still held in restraint. Surely Wally would try to escape. This was too easy.

  The taxi finally arrived and again Shad was disappointed when Wally left his unfinished cup of coffee on the table as they rose to leave. He slung both the laptop carrier and satchel over his left shoulder and continued to shadow Wally. The hotel lobby was quite empty as they walked to the doors. Not even the clerk was behind the counter. Shad told Wally to open the glass door and keep walking to the cab. Wally pushed the door open and stepped outside with Shad right behind him.

  Wally suddenly spun back. Shad tensed in the split second it took Wally to drive his elbow into Shad’s stomach.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Surely, if you do right, there is uplift. But if you do not do right Sin couches at the door; Its urge is toward you, yet you can be its master.

  --Genesis 4:7

  Wally sprinted toward the back of the cab. Some of the wind was knocked out of Shad, but his instinctive tensing left him with enough breath to drop both bags and charge after Wally.

  The older man galloped past the rear of the taxi and into the nearby parking lot. Shad, focused so intently on Wally that his awareness of their surroundings had vanished, pursued him and was gaining. He could hear Wally’s gasps as the man hurtled toward a black, mid-size sedan.

  Wally had to swerve around the rear of the car to dart toward the driver’s side door. He practically slammed into the vehicle’s side as Wally grabbed the door handle and yanked open the door.

  Shad almost clipped the rear bumper of the car as Wally dove inside and Shad leaped toward him. The interior side of the door struck Shad’s hip as Wally tried to slam it shut.

  Shad grabbed the front of Wally’s shirt with both hands. With his rage in full force he wrestled Wally out of the sedan in a matter of seconds and shoved him against the rear door of the car.

  “Dulsie could have died because of you!” Shad snarled as he hammered Wally repeatedly against the window. “What lies are you gonna tell me now? That it was Dulsie’s own fault? That trying to have me killed is completely normal? That society is too uptight about murder?”

  Wally sputtered and tried to grasp at Shad’s wrists.

  Shad growled, “You black hearted, dickless coward, you’d better pray for the police to get here before –”

  He was ready to try to ram Wally right through the window. Wally looked up as he finally clasped Shad’s wrists. Immediately his mouth twisted into a distorted gape and an odd, strangled moan escaped. His eyes were wide, and Shad realized without a doubt they shone with abject terror.

  For a split second his demon rejoiced and poised for satisfaction.

  Shad froze as he realized Wally was looking at that demon. Its face had broken through Shad’s own visage, and its darkness was so complete it threatened to smother any flicker of light.

  “The only thing that gave you away was your eyes. I swear they got darker.”

  Dulsie’s voice emerged from a memory that seemed to come from a lifetime ago. His rage surged again. This cretin deserved to be pounded to a bloody pulp for what he did to Dulsie.

  But Dulsie wouldn’t want this. She believed that the man she�
��d married had a fire in his belly but the fortitude to keep his cool. Shad had already thrown her a curve ball with his affliction and now he was about to make himself even more of a stranger to her. Dulsie couldn’t be won back by a stranger.

  This isn’t me.

  With considerable effort to push back down the raging demon, Shad drew a deep breath as he slowly straightened but kept a tight grip on Wally’s shirt. His focus began to spread again, and Shad became aware that a small crowd of people from the hotel were gathered around the taxi. With another deep breath Shad tried to both steady his hands, which had begun to shake, and remove the hoarseness from his voice.

  He looked at the crowd and shouted, “Call the police!”

  Shad fully expected to be detained by the police until he was “extradited” back to Osage County. By the time a squad car arrived he was back in complete self-control and calmly and rationally told the officer everything about his run-in with Wally. Shad then practically volunteered to go to the police station where the pertinent paperwork was filed. To his surprise they basically wound up releasing him on recognizance. Apparently the St. Louis police had a chat with the Osage County sheriff, who in turn had probably chatted with Shad’s parents.

  That left him with about three hours until time to catch the afternoon train back to Jeff City.

  The cab dropped him off at the train station and Shad found a nearby bench to sit at with his satchel and laptop case. His stomach was sore but Shad also realized he was getting hungry. There were plenty of shops in this neighborhood for him to get something to eat, but now that he had some privacy Shad wanted to get back to his call to Eliot. True to his usual luck he got Eliot’s voice mail again, so Shad decided to try calling Monica’s phone.