Belong

by Jennifer Foor

  It was too much, even for a grown man, to be able to handle. As much as I wished I could drown my sorrows in a bottle of strong alcohol, I knew I had a child who needed me, who depended on me, who was waiting for a peanut butter sandwich and piece of special chocolate.

  When I stood and gathered myself enough to make it downstairs, I made a outspoken plea with God, or whoever was listening, even if it was just the walls. “Please help me manage this, if not for me, for her. Help me be strong for my daughter. It’s all I ask.”

  Chapter 11

  Leaving the wake early wasn’t what was splitting my heart into two, it was the idea of having to do it because of Chad’s wife. She’d made it clear I wasn’t wanted there, and as much as I wanted to defend myself and my friendship with Charles, I knew I’d be hurting Chad, and that wasn’t an option. Maybe she was right. Maybe I did threaten her, in an unintentional way. Her husband had loved me for a time. If things were different we could have ended up together. Of course she’d feel jealous with him including me in the service and embracing me like I still mattered. After all the time that had passed, he could still get to me, and I didn’t know how to handle it without getting as far away from him as possible.

  The past two years had been extremely hard for me. It had been a long time since my husband died tragically. One minute he was healthy and fine, and the next he was gone. After one heart attack we thought we knew what we were up against. He changed his diet and exercised daily, at first. When he started to feel better, he assumed he could slowly go back to doing and eating some of the things he’d grown up on. He swore he’d be fine. He promised nothing would keep us from having a long and happy life together. I knew he was sneaking fried foods when I wasn’t home, and I was positive the treadmill hadn’t been walked on for months.

  I’d come home from work on a Friday night to find him unconscious on the kitchen floor. He was already starting to get cold. Immediately I called for an ambulance. They shocked him twice with no response. When they made it to the hospital he was already gone.

  I’ll never know if it was quick or if he laid around suffering, unable to call for help. He’d just turned sixty, and we assumed he had a lot longer to go. We were wrong.

  When I close my eyes and think about everything we went through in our marriage, I’m thankful we had the time we did. There was a brief few months, years ago, when I thought I should have been with Chad. Now I knew how important it was to go back to Grayson; to be able to share the rest of his life with him without regrets. In all honesty, I had none. We were very much in love. I’d forgiven him long ago for his infidelities, and we’d grown stronger in friendship as a couple. Not a single day goes by where I didn’t miss him. It’s why I knew I had to walk away when Chad’s wife felt threatened. Life is too short. I didn’t want him having to go through struggles just because I was around. If she was that uneasy being in the same room with me, I was okay being the person to leave. After all, she was Chad’s wife, and I was only a friend of the family.

  Our talk in the parking lot made it ten times worse. The look on his face was something I’ll never be able to get out of my mind. Ten years had gone by and that man could still get the same reaction out of me. His big heart was impossible to forget. I wished we had time to catch up. I would have liked to hear about his life in California and the beautiful family he’d created for himself. I was proud of him. I wanted him to be happy. There weren’t hard feelings between us, and I certainly wasn’t uncomfortable being near him. Contrary to how it should have felt, it was like no time had passed between us. Chad had been my friend first. Well, actually he’d been my enemy, up until he was the only person in my life to help me go through a tough time. Then he became my rock, and soon after, much more.

  I understood why his wife would hate me, even though he and I knew nothing had happened between us, not for a very long time. Chad had been the one to call things off. He’d sent me away to be with Grayson, making the choice so I didn’t have to do it. He’d signed over the agency and moved to California. I think I always knew I’d see him when his grandfather fell ill, but I never expected it to go down the way it had.

  If I were his wife I probably would have done the same thing. Chad was the kind of man women dream of being with. On the outside he’d always seemed shallow to me when he was younger, but once I got to know the real man he’d become, I fell in love with him.

  After Grayson died I considered reaching out to him, not for anything romantic, but for a friend. I was alone, and in so much unimaginable pain. As much as I appreciating having my step-daughter, I couldn’t express certain things to her. I yearned for a friend to promise me life would be okay after such a loss, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The timing was never right, plus Charles had told me about his marriage.

  I recall internet searching his wife to see what she looked like when I’d heard about his nuptials. I knew she’d be beautiful. Together they were stunning. Their daughter was perfect. He’d finally gotten his chance at happiness. He’d become a father, and nothing would ever compare to how that felt.

  Having Stephanie was a blessing, but I’d never know what it was like to have my own child, to experience childbirth and raising an infant from day one. My biological clock was getting ready to retire, and I wasn’t in any condition to go out looking for another man to spend the rest of my life with.

  When I pulled up at my house, I couldn’t get out of my car. Tears streamed down my face and I wished I could call my one true friend for support, but he was gone too. Charles had been my savior when I lost Grayson. He basically took me in and let me stay at the mansion for a couple weeks until I could bear to stand in my kitchen without wanting to die. Every single time I stepped foot in that room flashes of him lying lifeless filled my mind. While I was struggling, Charles had a company come in and lay new flooring in hopes of it helping. Eventually it had, but it took me a long time to be able to handle being in there without crying.

  Every night I slept in a bed alone. Grayson would never warm the spot next to me. He’d never reach over to hold me in the middle of night, or remind me of his undying love and commitment in our marriage. We’d said till death do us part, and now he was gone. I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t even want to.

  During the time I stayed with Charles, we’d spent a lot of hours speaking about life and the importance of being able to cope during extreme circumstances. We talked about loss, and even love. I’d never mentioned Chad’s name, but somehow I think he knew about us. Charles was a sharp character. It didn’t take much for him to be able to read someone.

  One night, after a few too many drinks, he stammered on about Chad and his wife. He told me he hated her as a partner for his grandson, and that he knew he could do better. He said she was self-centered and didn’t put Chad first in the relationship. He gave it a few years, and was sure they’d divorce. He said women like her were only in it for the money, and when she saw Chad she saw dollar signs. I remembered the conversation vividly because Charles never spoke that way, not about anyone. Then he mumbled something about him being with a woman like me, and how he knew we’d end up together. I laughed it off. I’d just lost my husband, and Chad was happily married with a child. He lived across the country. Charles was just an old man rambling on.

  When I knew I wasn’t settled enough to go inside, I went to the one place I found solace.

  My office.

  It wasn’t until I was locked inside of the large private corner room where I was finally able to take a deep breath and feel like I was safe. I knew a couple hours of paperwork would relax me, and I’d eventually be able to get over what I’d been through. It didn’t hurt that I was surrounded by memories of Charles, making it easier to feel close to him.

  I still cried for my friend. I’d miss him terribly, and it hurt knowing I couldn’t stop by and have a chat whenever I was in the neighborhood. I’d miss his calls on Sunday mornings inviting me to church service, and I’d most certainly mi
ss his cheerful smile.

  While my heart ached for one man, I couldn’t stop thinking about another. Why had he come after me in that parking lot? Did I cause a fight after I’d left?

  I decided to send him one final email, thanking him for his kindness. It would be a goodbye, and a good luck. It would offer closure, and hopefully he could show his wife so she didn’t keep badgering him about being nice to me.

  Chad:

  Thank you for including me today at the service. It meant a lot to feel welcome, especially at such a hard time. I appreciate your kindness and wanted to wish you luck with your future. I know you’ll be successful with all your endeavors. Good luck, and God bless.

  Rachel

  Chapter 12

  Gracie showed up at the house first thing the following morning. She was dressed in casual clothes, and came with a car full of groceries.

  I helped her carry them in, then waited for her to explain. “I thought you might need some extra things while you’re here.”

  “Gracie, I don’t know how long I’m going to be here, but you don’t have to buy us anything. I can manage. Who do you think does the shopping at home?”

  She put her hands on her hips. “I assumed you had someone.”

  “I’d rather do it myself. Veronica is a picky eater. She needs to see everything that goes into our meals.”

  Gracie shook her head. “That woman is high maintenance. I don’t know how you do it.”

  “Yeah, I’m wondering the same thing. It’s a good thing she went home early. Now you only have to deal with me and the squirt.” I jokingly pointed to Harper.

  Gracie wrapped her arms around my daughter. “If your daddy gets too boring, auntie Gracie will take you out to see a movie. We can have a girl’s day.”

  “I may take you up on that when I have to meet with attorneys. I’m still waiting for them to get back to me. I’d like to get things situated before I have to go home.”

  “Are you in a hurry?”

  I shrugged. “Not really. I’m planning on enjoying some quiet time. I haven’t been home in a while. I think once the funeral drama finally dies down I might be able to relax. I need a reprieve.”

  Gracie looked down at Harper and then back to me. “Trouble in paradise?”

  “More than trouble. It’s like paradise burned to the ground.”

  “I see.” She patted me on the arm. “If you need anything just let me know.”

  “Actually, it would be nice if you could stay for dinner. We’d like the company, wouldn’t we Harper?”

  She nodded and led Gracie out of the kitchen. I smiled and started putting the new groceries away. When I was finished I decided to check my phone for emails, since I hadn’t done it in a while. I pulled it out and was shocked to see Rachel’s name.

  I read her message, all the while feeling like she was saying goodbye. Something inside of me panicked. I’d gone years without speaking to her, but for some reason I didn’t want it to stay that way. I had to see her, at least one more time before I went home, at least to apologize again for the way Veronica had reacted. She needed to know I was ending my marriage. I couldn’t leave things the way they’d ended; with her getting in a car and sending me a good riddance email.

  It was probably inappropriate, but I felt the need to remind her how important she was to my family, so I replied to the message with an invite for dinner, for both she and Grayson. Ten years had passed. It was time for all of us to get over what happened and understand we’d moved on. As long as Rachel was happy I wouldn’t ever want to interfere in her life.

  Rachel:

  I sent Veronica packing after what she did during the service and wake. I’d like to show my appreciation for you being so understanding by inviting you and your husband to dinner tonight at the house. It’s just going to be Gracie, and my daughter, so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable. Let’s put the past aside and start over, for my grandfather’s sake. I want to be friends. I miss talking to you. I don’t want to go back to California on bad terms. Plus there’s things in the house I’d like you to have. I can’t keep everything, and I certainly don’t want it going to a stranger. Think about it and let me know. If you already have plans we could do it tomorrow.

  Chad

  Not even five minutes later I got a response.

  Chad:

  It’s best if I stay away. There are things you don’t know. I can wait until you go home and meet with Gracie so it’s easier. I don’t want your wife mad again, or to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

  Rachel

  I wasn’t taking no for an answer.

  Rachel:

  If you don’t come to dinner, I’ll bring it to you. I’m not asking because I want to pry into your life, or cause trouble. It was more of a peace offering. I feel like you’re the only person I can talk to about my grandfather. You get how I’m feeling. Please reconsider. I promise my wife won’t be here. She went home this morning.

  Chad

  Chad:

  It’s not a good idea. I’m sorry, Chad. As much as I’d like to be there to support you, you and I both know it’s a bad idea.

  Rachel

  Her words left me upset. The more she rejected my invitation, the harder I wanted to try to convince her to reconsider.

  I found Gracie and Harper in the living room. They were setting up a board game preparing to play it. “Want to play with us, Daddy?”

  I gave my attention to Gracie. “Actually, Daddy needs to run out for a bit. I was wondering if Gracie would keep an eye on you while I’m gone?”

  “Of course I would. We can even start dinner. I’m sure she’s a good helper.”

  I kissed Gracie on the head, and then Harper. “I’ll see you girls later. I shouldn’t be long.”

  As time goes by life changes, people change, and sometimes even places, but I knew one thing would always remain the same. The location of the agency was downtown. I hadn’t been there in a long time, but I could drive there with my eyes closed, hypothetically of course.

  I parked in the garage and started to walk toward the elevators when a memory stopped me dead in my tracks. In the corner of that very stairwell I’d had Rachel. I was crazy for her back then, and when she offered I took it. It was hot and dangerous, making it one of the most memorable encounters of my life.

  I smiled as the elevator chimed and doors opened.

  I wasn’t sure how much had changed in the office, but was surprised to find the front desk clerk wasn’t there. A sign saying she’d gone to lunch was hanging over her name tag.

  Since I knew where to head, I kept moving, traveling to the back of the office until I came to the large doors at the very end. Two firm knocks notified her someone was waiting to see her. I heard Rachel’s voice telling me to come in. I opened the door slowly and walked inside, not knowing what I was going to say at first.

  I never expected to find her the way I did when I first stepped foot inside of her office. Rachel was sitting in front of her computer, her cheeks soaked from crying. She was using a tissue to wipe off the remnants. “Sorry, I’m a bit of an emotional mess today,” she said without looking. Her eyes immediately widened when she spotted me. "What are you doing here?"

  "I refused to take no for an answer. I figured it would be harder to decline my invitation if it was in person."

  "I'm sorry you came all this way for nothing, Chad. My answer remains the same."

  "That's unfortunate. I was looking forward to it. Would it be inappropriate if I asked if your answer had something to do with Grayson? It’s not like I was asking you to jump into bed with me."

  Rachel blew her nose. I knew it was a normal human action, but it made me feel like she was comfortable to be herself around me. She sniffled before she answered. ‎"Grayson hasn't had anything to do with my decisions for a very long time. He died two years ago, Chad. He had a stroke in our kitchen when no one was home to help him."

  I was in shock. Finally it all made sense; why he hadn't been arou
nd to support her when she was feeling down. "I had no idea. Why didn't ‎you contact me? I could have at least sent my condolences. My God, that’s terrible. You should have reached out to me."

  "I didn't want you to know."

  It hurt me. I thought she knew she could always count on me, no matter how much time had passed. "Why?"

  She managed to smile for a second. "Because I was afraid of what would happen. I was afraid you'd come back. I couldn't take the chance that you'd do something that foolish because of me."

  "It wouldn't have been foolish."

  "Chad, you have a life in California. It was my decision to make, just like dinner tonight. Let's be honest here. If you felt half of what I did when I first saw you again you'd know why this is a terrible idea."

  Her admission sent my mind into a whirlwind of opportunity. Rachel may have saw it as a bad idea, but I had a different opinion. "Don't push me away because you're afraid. You know I don't give up easily. If I want to spend time with you, I'm going to do it." I sat down in the chair across from her and folded my hands. "As long as it takes, Rach. I’m willing to be patient. We’re going to be friends again, whether you like it or not."

  She rolled her eyes and closed her laptop. "Since I know you well enough to accept you’re never going to leave until you get the answer you’re looking for, I’ll agree to it. One dinner. I'll join you tonight, but that's it. We go our separate ways when it’s over. You go back to your life, and I’ll proceed with mine."

  "I‎ forgot how beautiful you are when you get frustrated. It's quite sexy." I was determined to get to her, no matter how annoying I had to be. Rachel was fighting me, and it didn’t make sense why. Did I really have such an intense affect on her that she needed to steer clear to keep from pouncing? It was quite intriguing.