by Mia Hoddell
I was surprised it still worked with the searing pain coursing through it. Like I was the one who’d been stabbed, my heart didn’t feel whole anymore. I forced my eyes shut, my hands curling into fists while I tried to control myself.
A smug chuckle broke into my thoughts. I snapped my eyes open and zeroed in on Aston.
“You fucking bastard. You did this to her?” Pure rage clouded my mind as his arrogant face filled my vision. I stormed towards him, my fist already raised to swing when Raine dived between us. Her tiny hands on my chest barely registered. “Get out of the way, Raine. I don’t want to hurt you further.”
“Don’t do this, Teo. He’s not worth it.” She applied more force to my chest but she had no hope of moving me.
“Ignore her, Coates. Come on, don’t you want to take a swing at me?” Aston goaded. A part of me realised what he was trying to do, but the majority wanted to make him hurt and to hell with the consequences.
I took a step to the side, trying to work my way around Raine. She moved with me, her hand never leaving my chest as she attempted to hold me in place.
“Teo, please. Don’t throw everything away like he wants you to.”
How could she ask me that? He arranged for her to be stabbed. Fucking stabbed! It went beyond messing with just me. He’d physically hurt her, caused her to leave me, and marked her body permanently. I’d seen how that night still affected her. He’d killed a part of her to get to me and I couldn’t let that go.
As gently as possible, I pushed Raine to one side, but she stuck to me like a limpet.
“Mickey!” she screamed over my shoulder. “God help me, Teo, if you throw away everything I did to protect your career—”
Footsteps were suddenly pounding on the floor behind me. If I wanted to swing at Aston I didn’t have much time left, but Raine refused to move.
“Why are you shielding him?” I barked, taking her hand from my chest and pushing it down, too angry to be affected by the hurt in her eyes.
“I’m protecting you, dumbass.”
“I never asked you to. Don’t you think I would have chosen you every fucking time? You were my world, Raine. Not racing.”
“I wasn’t going to let Aston win. You’d worked too hard for him to sabotage your career!”
“Wasn’t that my choice? We could have gone to the cops, got him kicked out.”
She placed a hand on her hip and glowered at me. “Oh really? With what evidence? He wasn’t even there. It’s our word against his.”
“You should have told me.” I made a deliberate effort to lower my voice, very aware of Mickey hovering by my shoulder with a few guys from my pit crew. They were all prepared to pounce if I tried anything. The only images clouding my mind now though were Raine breaking down outside the pub and her tortured face as she slept.
I did that to her.
It was all my fault.
“Mickey, tell the team I’m done for today. I need to get out of here.”
Mickey looked like he was about to argue, his mouth poised to say something, but the look I shot him had him snapping it shut.
“Come on, Raine. I’ll take you home.” I headed straight for the car park and my car. I knew she was following, I could hear every sob she tried to silence and every shaky breath. Each tiny sound twisted my gut into a tighter knot, yet how was I meant to apologise for letting her down so badly? There were no words strong enough to make up for what happened to her.
In silence we slid into the car. From my peripheral I saw Raine staring at me, her eyes puffy and red, her cheeks tear-stained. She had a small cut on her lip from where she’d bitten it, the crimson blood creating a small pool that her tongue dipped out to wipe away. Her gaze held so many emotions—sadness, confusion, apologies—and every one of them slit me deeper.
When she realised I wasn’t going to speak or look at her, she turned her gaze to the window. I started the engine and that was how she remained until I pulled up in front of her flat.
Noticing where we were, she finally peered up at me, glassy confusion blurring her eyes. “Teo? Why are we here? I thought we were going home?”
And I thought she couldn’t destroy me any further. To hear her refer to the house I bought for the both of us as home, shredded my heart. Inhaling deeply, I forced out the words I’d been preparing to speak the whole drive over.
“I need some time, Raine. I’m sorry.”
I wanted to take them back as soon as she dropped her head to stare at her lap. A tear fell from her eyes and splashed on her hand.
“Can’t we work this out?”
My body craved to say yes, but I couldn’t. “Please, Raine. Give me some time to figure everything out. I need to be on my own for a while.”
Her head bobbed and she lifted it to meet my gaze in despair.
“Okay.” The word was hoarse, her throat scratchy from crying so much. She twisted on her seat, opened the door, and stepped out. It appeared to be an afterthought when she paused and stooped back down to peer into the car at me. “I really am sorry, Teo. And I love you. I always have.”
Not giving me time to respond, she slammed the door shut.
“I’ve always loved you too,” I muttered to myself, watching her walk away from me on unsteady feet.
Chapter
Twenty-Seven
Raine
Five Days Later
“Hi, you’ve reached Teo. Leave a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you. And Zeke, if this is you calling to get me to pick you up again, don’t bother. You can find your own way home, mate.” BEEP.
“Hey, Teo. It’s me…Raine. I know you said you needed space, but it’s been nearly a week now. And…well I don’t know. I miss you. Please call me back.”
One Week Later
“Hi, Teo. It’s me again. It’s been a week now and two days since my last message. You’re supposed to be flying out to Austria tonight.” I laughed humourlessly. “Of course you know that, though. Um…I just want to talk. Please call me back before you leave. Although, if you need more time, I get it. Good luck in the race.”
I threw my phone on my bed and collapsed against it. I had reached a new level of pathetic. Now I knew how he must have felt when I ignored all of his calls.
Was that why he was doing this? Was it to show me what he went through when I broke up with him?
It seemed like a petulant thing to do and not his style, but I couldn’t be sure.
I wanted him back.
Fifteen Days Later
I screamed. Trapped inside the past, the faces of my attackers were now replaced with masks of Teo. Crowding me in the dark alleyway, they pinned me to the wall as I begged for my life.
I raised my arms to cover my face, leaving my stomach exposed, and the glint of a cold metal blade shone in the light from the main road.
I tossed and turned, fighting with the covers. My feet were tangled, forcing me to remain in position in my head. The cool blade sliced across my skin through my shirt.
Don’t kill her, just wound her enough to put her in hospital for a few days.
That’s what they had said…what they said Aston had ordered them to do.
I cried out in agony as Teo twisted the blade deeper, blood coating my shirt and his hand. Panicked, animalistic screams ripped from my throat.
Then someone was there calling out my name, coaxing me back into reality. Dustin’s warm embrace smothered me, crushing me to his body as he rocked on the bed. Nuzzling my head into his chest, I buried myself in the scent of spice and sandalwood.
“I can’t do this anymore, Dustin. It hurts too much.” It was the eleventh nightmare I’d had since Teo left. All of them turned him into my attacker, and no matter how many times I saw it my reaction stayed the same. It was affecting Dustin too. Every night he comforted me. I pulled him out of bed and from sleep even though he had his own races and problems to focus on.
“It’ll get better, Raine. I promise you. It did last time.”
I
sniffed and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “What if it doesn’t?”
“You have to believe it will.”
“So do you,” I whispered, noting the deep lines on his forehead. I knew they weren’t just caused by me.
Unfolding myself from his lap I placed a hand to the side of his face and kissed the opposite cheek.
“We’ll both believe it.”
He gave me a weak smile and I returned it through my blurry eyes. It was all I could do after all. If Teo refused to speak to me, all I had left was hope.
Seventeen Days Later
“Yeah, it’s me again. I guess you’re still not ready to talk to me, but I have a few things to say to you and I don’t care if you’re ready to listen to them.” I took a deep breath. “You promised me you weren’t letting me go again, Teo. You said you were going to fight for us…for me. Hell, you made me fight for us, and you can’t do the same. You’re running away and I have no idea why. Was it because I lied a year ago or kept Aston’s secret? Do you not want to be with me? Is this punishment for leaving you? Can you not deal with my type of crazy anymore? I don’t care what the answer is, just give me one. Being in this limbo is unbearable. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. You know, you’re in all my dreams now. My nightmares star the infamous Teo Coates. They’re horrible, but at least I get to see you.”
I paused, realising I was rambling.
“Okay, well…give me a call. Please. Even if it’s to break things off. Just let me know where I stand.”
I pulled the phone from my ear about to hang up when I added, “Oh, and congrats on the second place in Austria.”
Three Weeks Later
I’d experienced what it felt like to be on the brink of death. I knew what it meant to have your life flash before your eyes, consider everything you should have done, and accept that you’re never going to get the chance because you’re not coming back. I lived through all of that, but the pain it caused was nothing compared to the gaping hole Teo had left in my chest.
When he had said he needed time, I thought he meant a day at most. However, the days rolled into a week, and a week rolled into three. The summer break had been over for two of those and despite numerous calls, texts, and emails from me, he’d left without even a good-bye. It was just like last year, only he’d made the decision to get on that plane this time.
Even the press had become suspicious of our relationship. However, the stories speculating our break up from the lack of public appearances together couldn’t add any more grief to my already aching heart. For once I didn’t care what people said about me. All I wanted was Teo.
I couldn’t begin to list how many times I drove by his house over the final week of summer break, only to speed off when my confidence buckled. The final time Teo had been in the garden watering the few plants he had. The sight of him caused tears to prick at my eyes and the pit in my stomach and heart to grow even wider. After that I couldn’t deal with it.
I hadn’t left the flat since.
It turned out exactly like last time; I couldn’t let Teo go. There I was curled up on the sofa with my bag of coffee flavoured fudge watching the Belgian Grand Prix pre-race show. The presenter was beginning the grid walk where they interviewed the drivers, and I held my breath as he moved his way to the front of the grid towards Teo and Aston. A circus troupe of trapeze artists swung in my stomach with my nerves. It was the first time I’d seen him up close since he left.
They’d locked out the front row, Teo qualifying second to Aston, who was on pole. Only a tenth of a second had separated them.
“Raine, why are you watching this shit?” Dustin groaned, collapsing on the sofa next to me and reaching for the remote.
When he pointed it at the TV, about to change channel, I screamed and dived for it. “Don’t! They’re about to interview Teo.”
“That’s exactly why I should turn it off.”
I wrestled the remote from his grip and sat on it. I needed to see him no matter how much it hurt. The desire to see how he was coping, and whether it was as bad off as me was too strong.
The presenter hovered by his car, waiting for a French reporter to finish with him. Teo had a plastic bottle in his hand, toying with it as he gave the answers to the person’s questions. His race suit hung around his waist, half zipped to reveal the under layer of clothing he wore, but he didn’t look as confident as usual.
“Raine, seriously, this is stupid.”
I waved a hand at him telling him to shut up and I held my breath in anticipation of hearing his voice.
The presenter drew closer, the cameraman following so that the dark circles beneath Teo’s eyes became noticeable. His face looked drawn, all of his body language saying he’d rather be anywhere else than standing there talking to the press. I couldn’t blame him after one reporter had quizzed him on whether Aston beating him in qualifying for the second time since being back on track was down to issues in his personal life again.
“So, Teo. P2, out qualified by a tenth of a second by your teammate. What’s the strategy running down to the first corner?”
“Same as always. Try and get a better start off the line and beat him down to turn one.”
“Being on the dirty side of the grid doesn’t worry you?”
The smile Teo gave the presenter was forced. “There’s not really much I can do about that. I just have to perform my checks, set the car up right, and strive for that clean getaway.”
“What about strategy for the rest of the race? We’re hearing it’s mostly going to be a two stop, maybe a one if the weather holds out.”
“It looks like it’ll be a two stop.” Teo raised the bottle to his mouth, drawing a mouthful up through the straw.
“There have been a lot of rumours surrounding you and this race and back in Austria, saying you’re slipping back to how you were last year. Do those enter into your mind at all?”
Teo’s features darkened for a second. “No, I’m purely focused on the race. Yesterday Aston managed to find an extra tenth of a second from somewhere. I’ve been over the data with my team, watched his footage, and I will fight him every step of the way today. I will not comment on personal situations. People read too much into things. We all have good sessions and bad sessions. Yesterday Aston happened to beat me. That’s not a reflection on anything other than our driving.”
“Thanks, Teo. Good luck.”
Teo gave a curt nod as the presenter removed himself from the crowd and another filled his place. I could tell from the tightness in his jaw he wanted to say so much more to that reporter but had censored himself.
Hearing his voice so cold and detached sent a shiver down my spine.
When the camera left Teo to find Zeke, Flynn, and then Aston, I finally looked at Dustin. He had his arms folded across his chest, a scowl on his tired face.
“Have you spoken to him at all?” When Dustin only coughed, I said, “You can tell me the truth, Dustin. I don’t expect him to have cut you off. You are his brother, after all.”
“I’ve heard from him a few times.”
“Has he…”
“Has he asked about you?” Dustin puffed out a frustrated breath. Everything seemed to anger him lately. “No.”
“Why won’t he talk to me?” I cried in exasperation. Surely it was better for us to talk than us both to suffer.
“I can’t answer that either. He refuses to talk to me about anything to do with your situation.”
After that we both turned to watch the race in silence, although I was sure neither of us were focused on it, too trapped in our thoughts. It was a bittersweet torture. Watching Teo race and lead the Grand Prix after jumping Aston at the start gave me a thrill and filled me with pride, yet on the other hand it reminded me of what I stood to lose.
Chapter
Twenty-Eight
Teo
I listened to the last message Raine had left me for around the hundredth time. Even when she was pissed off her voice stirred emotions o
f longing in my body.
Lying on my back in my hotel room, because I couldn’t handle staying at the house, I ran my hand over my face and up through my hair. She was right, I’d broken my promises and I wasn’t fighting for her. The messages were the only link I had to her because I was a coward. Rather than pick up the phone and talk things over, I’d made her think everything under the sun. She even blamed herself. And although that was never my intention, I couldn’t bring myself to correct it.
I was a coward.
I wondered if she still had nightmares. It gutted me to know I featured in them. I never wanted her to think of me like that, but in a way it seemed just. After all, technically I was responsible for everything.
A knock on my door drew me from my thoughts. I crawled off the bed reluctantly to open it and reveal Mickey. With a groan, I moved to shut it in his face, not up to dealing with him or any of the interviews he’d undoubtedly scheduled. If I had to fake another fucking smile or answer another bloody question about Raine I was going to go psycho. I knew they were only doing their job, but how many times did I have to tell them no before they realised I wasn’t going to give them the story they wanted?
Mickey blocked the door with his hand, forcing it back open. “I’m not here for business.”
“Then you don’t need to be.” I attempted to shut him out again, yet he was stronger than he looked. Somehow he managed to push it open enough for him to squeeze into the room. When the door shut behind him I folded my arms to wait for whatever he had to get off his chest.
“Spill it,” he demanded, crossing the room and pulling out the wooden chair from underneath the desk.
“Spill what?”
“Oh, I don’t know. How about how you’ve been hiding out in a hotel rather than going home? Or how about how you’re being an asshole and not dealing with all of the shit with Raine? Even better, how about the fact you’re not you anymore? Care to elaborate on any of those points?”
