Three Girls and a Baby

by Rachel Schurig

  Josh started noticing too, and I knew he didn’t approve. There was this one night, this awful night, that I remember so clearly. Josh had a deadline, so he and some staff were staying late to finish the layout. We had planned to go to a house party with some friends of mine from the track team. I was sad he had to cancel, and a little pissed, to be honest. He promised he would meet me as soon as he could, so I went alone.

  I tried to have fun with my friends. It was sort of a strange mix of people, different from who Josh and I normally spent time with. There were a lot of jocks there, and some boys you just knew were from frats. A lot of people were smoking pot, and the beer drinking was progressing very quickly for so early in the night.

  I was on my fourth beer, and just starting to get a buzz, when he approached me. I don’t remember his name (I’m not sure if I ever knew it) but I do know he was on the lacrosse team. Or maybe it was hockey. Regardless, he sat down next to me on the couch, sitting way closer than was necessary. He flattered me, told me I was hot and he had been watching me all night. To me, he was nothing. Not particularly cute, not particularly smart or funny. But he was paying attention to me, and that felt good.

  I had no intention of doing anything—of course I would never do anything. But I didn’t get up and move, either. Instead, I kept drinking while he kept flirting, and when he pulled out a joint, I had some of that too.

  Some of my friends joined us, and everything anyone said seemed hilarious to me. I remember laughing a lot, loud and obnoxious, and leaning up against the guy. And then I looked up and Josh was standing there, across the room, watching me.

  He didn’t seem angry, or jealous. He was just watching me. But I saw something in his eyes I had never seen before. He wasn’t looking at me like he normally did, like I was special. He wasn’t looking at me like I was pretty, or smart, or someone to be proud of. He was looking at me like I was a drunk, loud, obnoxious slut at a party.

  * * *

  Josh never said anything to me about that night, but things felt different to me after that. It was hard to shake the memory of how he had looked at me. Sometimes, when I closed my eyes, it was right there behind my eyelids, clear as could be. If Josh was gone when the memory would hit me, I would try to erase it with booze, or the noise of a party, or the attention of other people. Sometimes it would hit me when we were together, and I had to work very hard to remind myself that he loved me.

  In December, Josh got really surprising news: he had unexpectedly won a scholarship to live and study in London for two months in spring semester. I was thrilled for him. Slightly jealous, and definitely worried sick about being apart, but thrilled for him all the same. It was an amazing opportunity, an affirmation of his talent and hard work.

  The night he got the news, we decided to go out and celebrate with some friends from the magazine. Josh picked a Mexican restaurant close to campus, and the rest of us spent several hours complaining about our massive jealousy. I teased him along with everyone else, though the more we discussed it, the larger the pit of fear in my stomach grew.

  “I just knew you’d get it,” Amy, a pixie-looking little sophomore, sighed as we moved onto our third round of margaritas. Amy had always struck me as rather shy, but it was obvious to me that she harbored a major crush on her editor. I had never given it much thought, secure as I was in my standing with Josh. In fact, I had always thought it was kind of cute, the way she would blush when he spoke to her directly. Tonight though, she was getting on my nerves. The more she drank, the bolder she became, gushing over Josh and staring at him with naked adoration.

  “I mean, when they turned you down back in September, I was so shocked!”

  Her words took a second to sink in. He first applied in September? Why didn’t I know anything about this?

  “It might seem lucky that the other guy backed out, but you totally deserved it more in the first place!”

  I felt my stomach clenching. What was going on here? Josh had made it sound like the scholarship opportunity came totally out of the blue. If he had applied, and been rejected, back in September, why was this the first I had ever heard about it? Surely there was some kind of misunderstanding—but Josh gave himself away. With one quick little worried glance in my direction, I got it. He hadn’t told me on purpose, and he knew I had good reason to be upset about it.

  I didn’t say much the rest of the evening. Any sense of celebration had left me entirely, replaced by a feeling of dread. Josh and I talked about everything. I mean, everything. Why would he have chosen to keep this from me? I was relieved when the dinner was over, but at the same time I was not looking forward to going home.

  Our ride home on the bus was quiet. I didn’t want to fight with Josh—not when he had so much to celebrate. I didn’t want to ruin the night for him. But I also couldn’t shake the sense that something bad was happening here, happening to us.

  “Ginny,” he said, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry. I should have told you I was applying.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  Josh sighed. “I was worried you’d take it badly. I was worried you’d be upset and spend the next five months miserable, dreading me leaving.”

  I was stunned. Did he really think of me that way? In his eyes, was I some needy, dependant clinger? Did he really think that I would worry more about what I was losing than what he was gaining?

  “I wouldn’t have been like that,” I said, my voice small. “When you told me this afternoon, I was so happy for you.”

  He was quiet for a moment. “You haven’t been acting that happy since I was named editor,” he burst out, startling me. He sounded pissed.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Ginny, give me a break. I see how you’ve been. Annoyed when I work late, partying all the time. What, are you trying to make me jealous?”

  “Make you jealous? Are you kidding me?” I was getting pissed too. Where was he getting this from? “I’ve just been trying to keep busy, since you’re never around!”

  “Do you hear yourself?” he asked. “Do you have any idea how much pressure that puts on me? Something good happens to me and you have to work to stay busy. That, that right there, is our problem.”

  “I wasn’t aware that we had a problem,” I said, my voice shaking. I tried to remind myself that Josh had been drinking, that he would never sound this cruel otherwise.

  “Ginny…” Josh trailed off. I felt panic well up inside me. “Let’s talk about his when we get home.” He took my hand, calming me somewhat. We sat like that, silent, holding hands, until our stop.

  When we got to our apartment, Josh took me into his arms before I had a chance to take off my coat. “I’m sorry,” he whispered against my hair. “I should have told you in September, and I shouldn’t have gotten upset with you just now. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

  I held onto him tightly, willing myself to believe that things were going to be okay. “Let’s lay down,” he said, releasing me. “We can talk in bed.”

  In the darkness, wrapped in our blankets, he stroked my hair. “Ginny, what I should have said is…I worry about you.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Sometimes it seems like you rely on me too much.” He sounded uncomfortable.

  “I rely on you because I love you,” I said, hurt. “You’re everything to me…I thought you felt the same way.”

  “I do! Ginny, you know I do.” He sighed. “I just worry, because when something happens that doesn’t involve both of us, I feel like you don’t have anywhere else to go. You don’t have a back-up. And then you revert back to…”

  “Crazy-party-slut-girl?” I asked.

  He chuckled. “You have never been a slut. Crazy party girl, maybe. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I just think you bury yourself in it. You always did. When you’re not happy you hide in that crap.”

  I was quiet. Josh was right. It was what I had always done.

  “I just wish you could find something that made
you happy, totally independent of me.”

  I thought about that for a long time after Josh had drifted off. What on earth could ever make me happy besides him? And, despite what he had said, I felt very, very worried. This had been on his mind for a long time, and he had never told me. What else was he thinking about me?

  Chapter Seventeen

  When I got home from the coffee house I went straight to my room, ignoring Annie and Jen’s protests and questions and slamming the door in their faces. I sat on my bed for a long time, staring at the envelope. I couldn’t bring myself to open it.

  How could this have happened? How could Josh have done this to me? I could maybe, someday, accept the fact that he didn’t love me anymore. But I could not believe that he could ever, ever treat me so cruelly. Not after all we had been through together. But the proof of his actions was sitting in my hands.

  After a while, Annie managed to get my cheap bedroom lock undone using a nail file. She and Jen burst into the room and demanded to know what happened.

  “He didn’t show up,” I whispered. My voice sounded hoarse, like I had been screaming. Only then did I realize that tears were streaming down my face and the weird noise I had been hearing was my own sobs. “His mom came instead.” I tried to wipe my eyes, to pull myself together.

  “What do you mean?” Jen asked, confused. “He doesn’t know?”

  “He knows. She told him.”

  “I don’t understand…” Jen began. I cut her off by handing her the letter.

  “He wrote this for her to give to me. He knows, but he didn’t want to see me.” I looked up at them. Jen looked pale, her eyes wide. Annie seemed merely confused. “You can read it, if you want. I couldn’t do it.”

  Annie pulled the envelope from Jen’s hand and ripped it open. “Hey, there’s a ton of money in here!” she said.

  “It’s from his parents.”

  “Why are his parents giving you cash?”

  “Just read the letter, Annie.”

  She pulled out a piece of paper. As she read, her eyes narrowed. “You bastard,” she hissed.

  “What? What does it say?” Jen demanded.

  “You can read it out loud, Annie. I don’t care,” I said. Maybe something in it would make sense to me, help me understand.

  “ ‘Dear Ginny,’ ” she read. “ ‘I am so sorry to tell you like this, but I could not come and see you today. I think it would have been too painful for both of us. It also would have been painful for Amy, my fiancé.

  I take full responsibility for our past mistakes. I hope that you agree to take the money my parents have offered: it’s the least we can do. But I have another responsibility now, one to Amy, and to myself. I need to go to Seattle, start fresh. Being a part of all of this would make that impossible. I’m so sorry. I hope you can understand someday. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope you will be happy. Goodbye.’ ”

  Jen sank down on the bed next to me, looking stunned. “I can’t believe this,” she said shakily.

  Annie was slowly refolding the letter and putting it back in the envelope with the cash. When she finished, she looked up at me, and I was truly afraid of what was in her eyes. “I am going to kill him,” she said flatly. “I swear to God, Ginny, I’m going to drive there right this second and kick his coward ass.”

  “What good would that do?” I asked bleakly.

  “It would make me feel better!” she cried.

  “I don’t even know where he lives now,” I whispered. “Our lease expired in January. He could be anywhere now. And I don’t even have his number.”

  “Who the hell is Amy?” Annie asked.

  “She was on the magazine with us. His mom had a picture of them together.” I swallowed, hard. “His mom had a picture of her…she said…she said they’re engaged. She’s moving to Seattle with him…”

  The reality of what was happening crashed over me like a wave. Josh was gone, really gone, forever. He didn’t love me. He didn’t want me or our baby boy. He was going to marry someone else. “Oh my God,” I whispered. “Oh my God, oh my God…” I started crying again, huge racking sobs that shook my entire body. Jen grabbed me in a hug and held on tight.

  It felt like the walls were falling in around me. Everything that happened up until this point—the break-up, the baby, losing my job, feeling so afraid—was nothing compared to this. Nothing at all. To lose Josh, to really lose him forever, was more than I could stand.

  I don’t know how long I cried like that. In my head I was seeing pictures of me and Josh, like a film reel. Every happy moment we had had. So many times when he had looked at me, smiled at me, kissed me. That love was gone now. He was giving it to someone else and I was alone. Alone with our baby, who Josh didn’t even want to know.

  Jen and Annie lay in my bed with me, holding me and stroking my hair, trying to wipe my eyes and calm me down. Mostly, they just let me cry.

  After a while (an hour? more?) my tears started to subside and Jen persuaded me to sit up. “You should take a shower,” Annie said gently. “You’ll feel better.” I looked at her and numbly noticed that her eyes were red-rimmed too, as if she had been crying right along with me.

  They helped me into the shower. I felt weak, helpless. I stood under the hot water for a while, slowly washing my make-up off and shampooing my hair. I wrapped myself in my robe and went out to lay on the couch, where I stayed for the rest of the day, staring, unseeing, at the wall.

  Jen and Annie were scared for the baby. I could tell from the way they skittered around me, asking what I needed and trying not to let me see how often they stared at me. Jen tried to convince me to eat, but the food turned to sawdust in my mouth and I went to lay down again.

  It was dark outside now, so I knew it had been hours since I met Mrs. Stanley at the coffee house, but I had little sense of time passing. The entire day was a blur of pain and fear. I felt broken. I knew being so upset, so overwhelmed, was bad for the baby, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. All I could think of was Josh. Memories of him had taken over my head and my heart and I couldn’t shake them out. I felt feverish and shaky and I wondered if I was having some kind of a breakdown.

  And then, out of nowhere, the baby moved.

  It was an indescribable feeling. It felt almost as if there were a butterfly in my belly, gently nudging me from the inside. I had never felt anything like it. It was amazing.

  I sat up slowly on the couch, my mouth hanging open and my hands drifting down to my belly. Jen looked up from the book she was reading in the recliner. When she saw the look on my face she stood up quickly and came towards me. “What? What’s wrong, Ginny?” she asked worriedly.

  “Nothing,” I murmured. “Just…just wait.” The fluttering had stopped so I stayed perfectly still, willing it to start again. And then—“Oh!” He moved again. I let out a shaky breath, closing my eyes. “Hello!” I whispered, laughing, as I rubbed my stomach. “Hello, baby!”

  “Ginny?” Jen asked again, kneeling on the floor before me. “What’s going on?”

  I opened my eyes, grinning from ear to ear. “Oh, Jen,” I said, tears filling my eyes yet again—but these tears were totally different. “He’s moving! I can feel him!”

  Jen gasped. “The baby?”

  I nodded, laughing again. I felt light, happier than I could have believed. “He’s moving. I can feel him!” Jen laughed too, her eyes wide. Unable to sit still a minute longer, I reached out and grabbed her, hugging her tight. “It’s my baby, Jen!” I said.

  I was absolutely in awe. Ten minutes ago I had been deep within the hell of my darkest moments, not caring about anything, including the baby. I hadn’t believed I’d be able to get through the rest of the day, let alone the pregnancy.

  And then my baby had reached out from inside, shaking up my entire world, pulling me back to life. The pain of Josh hadn’t receded, but it had been completely eclipsed by my baby. My baby was real. My baby needed me. And I knew, in that moment, that I loved him more than I
had ever loved anything else—including his father.

  My baby had broken through the pain and rejection I had been living with since July to let me know he needed me. I, in turn, was going to do everything I could to take care of him, to love him. Josh didn’t seem to matter so much now. My baby and I were a team.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Twenty-two Weeks: You’re now past the halfway mark! Before you know it, you’ll be welcoming your baby into the world! If you haven’t already, you’ll more than likely feel the baby begin to move sometime in the next few weeks. You also will notice that a lot of growth is happening in your belly area! If you didn’t have a noticeable baby bump before, you probably will soon! In the next few weeks you will have gained anywhere from ten to twenty pounds. Make sure you keep eating healthy. Don’t use the baby as an excuse to pig out!—Dr. Rebecca Carr, A Gal’s Guide to a Fabulous First Pregnancy!

  “Wow!” Annie said from the doorway to the kitchen, startling me as I searched for a clean juice glass in the cabinet.

  “What?” I asked, looking over at her.

  “You look really pregnant today. Like, really, really pregnant.”

  I looked down at my stomach. I was wearing a blue sweater shift dress over grey leggings. I had been trying to avoid tops with an empire waist because I thought they over-emphasized the bump. This dress was designed to hang straight down from the neckline, but the cashmere was, admittedly, pretty strained over my belly.