Three Girls and a Baby

by Rachel Schurig

  She immediately walked over to me and held out her arms. “Give me Danny,” she said calmly. I only held him to me tighter. “It’s okay, Gin. Give me Danny.” Reluctantly, I handed him over.

  Without him to hold onto, I felt bereft. How was I going to handle this?

  “Now everyone shut up,” she demanded. “Or go downstairs.” She began walking Danny around the room, talking to him softly, patting his back. Josh and I watched her, as if mesmerized, as she calmed the baby—Annie, on the other hand, continued to stare daggers at Josh.

  When Danny had finally calmed down, Jen eased him back into his crib and pointed at the stairs. The three of us followed her in silence. I wasn’t sure, but I think Josh was in shock—hell, I think I was in shock too.

  “Okay,” Annie said, once we were downstairs. “What the fuck is going on?”

  I looked at Josh. He appeared completely shell-shocked, his face a grayish color, his hands clearly trembling. Something about seeing him that way calmed me down. “It would appear that Josh didn’t know about the baby,” I replied.

  Jen looked at me sharply, but Annie merely snorted. “Yeah, sure.”

  Josh didn’t respond. He was staring at the bouncy chair, the same one he had seen but overlooked when he arrived.

  Annie was staring at me. “You don’t actually believe this, do you?” she demanded. “After everything he’s done to you?” When I didn’t reply she grabbed my arm. “We read the letter, Ginny!”

  “He didn’t write it.”

  She stared at me like I was mad.

  “Really, Ann, it wasn’t his handwriting. The writing on the envelope looked like his, but I never saw the letter itself. If I would have…”

  “It’s my dad’s,” Josh said quietly. “My dad’s handwriting. It’s pretty similar, but it wasn’t me.”

  I closed my eyes. What could have been avoided if I would have just read the letter myself, if I hadn’t been so chicken.

  “What would you have done differently?” Annie demanded, as if reading my thoughts. “He changed his fucking number, remember? And didn’t tell you his address. And,” she was practically hissing with anger now, “he sent his mother to tell you that he wanted nothing to do with you and your baby.”

  “Annie, I think we should go,” Jen said quietly. She was looking at Josh, who appeared close to passing out himself. “We should let them talk.”

  “I’m not leaving her alone with him,” Annie said flatly. “No way.”

  “Come on,” Jen insisted. “We’ll just take a walk; we won’t go far.” Annie looked at me, as if asking what she should do. I nodded at her, and she blew out a gust of air.

  “Fine. But I swear to God, Josh, if you do anything to fuck with her, I will rip your balls off.” She walked ahead of Jen and slammed out of the house.

  Jen took my hand. “Are you okay?” I nodded at her. She squeezed my hand and followed Annie.

  I turned to Josh. “Well,” I sighed. “I guess we’d better talk.”

  * * *

  It took a while to explain things. Josh seemed to be having trouble comprehending what I was telling him, and he deviated between anger, shock, and disbelief.

  “Why didn’t you try to find me?” he demanded, when I told him how his mother had met me at the coffee house.

  “She told me you were in Seattle, and she wouldn’t give me your number.”

  “But how could you have thought I would do that to you?”

  “I didn’t,” I whispered. “I argued with her, demanded that she let me talk to you. But she refused. She said you didn’t want anything to do with me. And then she gave me the letter, and showed me the picture of you and Amy.”

  “I didn’t give her a picture of me and Amy. Why would I?” he demanded.

  “She had one, Josh.”

  He was quiet for a moment. “I just don’t get why she would do this.”

  “She never liked me; you know that.”

  “But to keep me from my… son? How could she do that to me? How could you do that to me?”

  Okay, I’d had about enough of that. I got that he was upset, but there was no reason whatsoever for him to blame me. “Of the two of us, Josh, you are the only one who had the other’s phone number,” I reminded him.

  “I’m sorry.” He seemed to deflate in front of me. “That’s why I came, to tell you how sorry I was for never calling.”

  “Why didn’t you call?” I whispered, feeling the hurt of it deeply. I could understand, maybe even accept, that everything with the baby had been a huge misunderstanding. But he had never called, in all these months.

  “You asked me not to,” he reminded me.

  “I asked you not to call for a while,” I told him. “It’s been ten months, Josh.”

  He sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve been saying that an awful lot today,” I muttered.

  “Ginny, I thought about you every day. Every single day. I wrote you over a hundred letters. When I was in Seattle, I saw your face on every girl I met. I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. When I said I came back because I missed you, I meant it.”

  I was speechless. What was he trying to tell me?

  “Look, I get that that stuff isn’t what’s important right now,” he sighed. “But I wanted you to know. I didn’t go off and forget about you, Ginny. But I was afraid if I called you, or tried to see you, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself and we’d be right back where we were last June.”

  I nodded, knowing he was right. Of course we would have reverted to our old patterns.

  “I can’t imagine you doing all of this alone,” he whispered, tears filling his eyes. “Thinking I didn’t want to be here.”

  “I wasn’t alone,” I told him. “Annie and Jen were amazing.”

  “Were you scared?”

  “Terrified.”

  Josh was really crying now. “You don’t have to tell me, Ginny, I know you probably hate me, but…what’s he like? The baby?”

  I was so glad he asked. I had been terrified that he didn’t care, that he really didn’t want to know Danny, even now that he knew about him.

  “He’s amazing,” I said. “Absolutely amazing.” I looked over at Josh. He was watching me, enthralled. “He cries a lot, I think mostly to piss me off when I’m tired.” I laughed a little. “But as soon as he looks at me, I forgive him. He looks like you.”

  We were both quiet for a moment.

  “You’re different, Gin,” he finally said. “Something about you is different.”

  I shrugged. “It’s been quite a year.”

  Josh looked sad again. “And you had to do it on your own,” he murmured. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  I couldn’t answer him. I felt sad then too, thinking of how different it all could have been. For me, and for Danny.

  “I need to go,” Josh said suddenly, startling me. “I need to go see my parents. I can’t believe they would do this to me. I literally cannot believe it.”

  “I take it they didn’t know you were coming here?”

  He snorted. “No. I wonder what they would have done to keep me away.” He laughed bitterly. “Did they honestly think I would never see you again? How stupid could they be?” He clenched his fists, and it occurred to me that he was absolutely furious.

  I stood up, ready to walk him to the door, but he hesitated. “Do you think…I mean, would you mind, if I see him? Just real quick, before I go?”

  I gave him a slight smile. “Sure.” I led Josh back up the stairs to my room. Peering into the crib, I saw that Danny had woken up. He wasn’t crying or fussing, just gurgling softly to himself. “He’s discovered his hands,” I explained. “He thinks they’re the most fascinating creation in history.”

  I leaned down and picked him up, nuzzling his face before turning him so Josh could see him. He stared at his son, and I felt a lump rise in my throat. “He’s amazing.”

  “He’s perfect,” I corrected. “The most perfect thing in the wor
ld.”

  “And you named him…Danny?” He met my gaze and I knew in that moment that he remembered, too. The lump in my throat swelled and I could only nod in response.

  Josh reached out his hand, as if he wanted to touch Danny.

  “It’s okay,” I told him. “You can touch him.”

  Josh moved closer, and Danny seized his finger, wrapping his whole hand around it and squeezing.

  “He’s pretty strong,” I laughed.

  Josh just stared at him. I had thought I knew all of his expressions, all of his smiles. But this one was foreign to me. This one was just for Danny.

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  Two months: Can you believe the changes in your baby since you first brought him home from the hospital? Chances are, by this time your baby is able to gurgle and coo, grab your fingers (isn’t he strong?), hold his head up, smile at you (so precious!), and, most importantly, sleep for stretches of several hours at a time. What a relief! If you are getting ready to head back to work, it’s important that you find child care that you are comfortable with. Try not to feel guilty about leaving—your baby can handle it!—Dr. Rebecca Carr, A Fabulous First Year with Baby!

  I am a terrible mother. A terrible person, really.

  This is how I felt pretty much every morning though, so I guess I should just try to get used to it.

  Going back to work was hard. Like, really, really hard. I hated leaving Danny. I hated being away from him, I hated thinking about someone else taking care of him.

  Usually, by the time I drove to Rochester and actually started working, I felt better. I still loved my job. Just Books had grown to be one of my favorite places in the world, and managing was so much more fun than being a clerk.

  The Wrights continued to be amazing employers. They allowed me one shift a week to work purely on managerial duties—meaning I could be locked up in the office all day, not having to deal with customers. The best part about that arrangement is I could have Danny with me at the store once a week. When he got bigger, we would probably have to re-think it, but for now he seemed generally content to spend an afternoon in his bouncy chair while I worked. Okay, to be perfectly honest, most of the time he insisted I hold him, or at least keep him strapped to my chest in the Baby Bjorn, but I was getting really good at working one-handed.

  Mr. Wright had loved being back at the store during my maternity leave. He had loved it so much that his doctor (and his wife), had agreed that he should be allowed to spend a few hours each day there. With some creative scheduling on my part, and a lot of help from the girls, I was able to spend as much time as possible with Danny and only had to leave him with a stranger for a dozen or so hours a week. This made me feel better, less guilty—and it also saved me a ton of money.

  My hours at the store passed pretty quickly that day. I had Beth in helping me and we were pretty busy, which always made the time go by faster. I had recently set up a promotion to celebrate the back to school season: if people brought in a used book to donate to a school, they received a buy-one-get-one-free coupon to use in our store. The boxes of donated books, and the noticeable up-tick in our sales, was making me feel pretty good.

  I was eager to get home at the end of the shift. Annie and I usually had a fight about who got to give the baby a bath—rarely was Danny more sweet, or more happy, than he was at bath time. He would usually be awake for a few more hours, alert and playful until it was time for his last feeding, when I could rock him to my heart’s content.

  After he was down for the night—or, at least, down until his three a.m. feeding—Josh would usually call to check in.

  After Josh had found out about the baby, he called work and requested some vacation time, allowing him to stay for a week. He holed up in a hotel—he wasn’t speaking to his parents at all—but spent most of his waking hours at the house with Danny.

  It was clear he was madly in love with the baby, and Danny seemed absolutely enthralled by him. Annie put it down to the fact that he had never been exposed to any testosterone in his life, but I had a feeling Danny felt bonded to his father.

  It was hard for me, having Josh in the house like that. And though I was so happy for Danny that his dad cared about him, it was hard for me to see Josh with the baby. I had dreamt of Josh and I having a family together so many times, for so long. I had to work very hard to not pretend that we were together again. I was liable to take his affection for Danny, and his kindness to me, and turn it into a fantasy that he loved me and we were still together. Those thoughts were dangerous, so I tried to keep them turned off.

  For my part, I still loved Josh.

  I had discovered this very early on; probably the second day that he was home. He was just pulling on his sweatshirt, getting ready to leave for the evening, and I felt a tug. I didn’t want him to go. I wanted him to be there with me, and with Danny, all night—always. I still loved him.

  I was pretty mad at myself for this realization, obviously. I had worked so hard on my independence, worked so hard to get over Josh, and for what? Even after everything that had happened I was still madly and hopelessly in love with him. What was wrong with me?

  Jen knew at once, of course. She had accepted the tentative situation of Josh being around with fairly good grace. Annie had a much harder time with it. Her anger with him had not abated and she had a hard time even being in the same room with him.

  One night, after Josh had left and Danny had been put to bed, Jen and I took some iced tea to the front porch. The summer was still hanging on but autumn was fast approaching, and we wanted to enjoy the warm night while we still had the chance. It was gorgeous outside, still and clear, and we sat in comfortable silence for a long time.

  “So,” Jen said finally. “You still love Josh, huh?”

  I didn’t bother to deny it; she knew me too well. “Am I that obvious?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “I can just tell.”

  “Well don’t worry. I have every intention of getting it under control. I’ve come way too far to fall back into that. I’ll get over it.”

  Jen didn’t respond. I wondered if she doubted me.

  “Ginny,” she said finally, her voice thoughtful. “You have come too far to fall back into that.” Before I could decide if I was happy she was agreeing or sad that she didn’t think Josh and I were made for each other, she continued. “But I don’t think you will. You’re a totally different person than you were last summer. You have this whole life now, and you’re happy in it. You know what makes you happy, what truly satisfies you.”

  I nodded in the darkness. She was right.

  “Sweetie, when you first found out you were pregnant—before Josh had moved and changed his number—why didn’t you tell him about the baby?”

  I had been afraid of this. Jen had always sensed there was more to the story than I was telling her, and I figured one day she would come right out and ask me. That was just her style.

  So I told her everything. I told her how I had been in that last year with Josh, how crazy and out of control I had gotten when I feared he was slipping away. I told her about the partying and the drinking, about how I had no idea who I was when Josh was gone. I told her that, without him, I felt like I needed to fill every quiet moment with some kind of noise, some kind of distraction.

  And, because she never interrupted, never said a word—because she just let me talk—I told her about the last party, the guy I had gotten drunk with, and what I had done. When I had finished talking, she reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently.

  “That’s not you anymore, Ginny,” she said, her voice clear and confident. “It just isn’t. Whether you love Josh or not, whether he loves you or not, that is not who you are now. No matter what. Whether you’re single or you end up in a relationship, it doesn’t really matter. You’re not going to go back to that. I know you won’t. You don’t have to be afraid.”

  * * *

  Josh had left two days later. It was an awkward parting. He didn’t wa
nt to leave Danny and he had confessed to me that Seattle was not all he hoped it would be. Despite what his mother had bragged to me, the job was little more than an internship, and he hated the weather. He hadn’t made many friends, and he was lonely there.

  When I walked him to the door that night, there was so much I wanted to say, but I held my tongue. I sensed that he too wanted to talk. We hadn’t discussed when he would be back or when he would see Danny again. Everything felt muddled and uncertain. So we hugged awkwardly, he promised to call to check on Danny every night, and he was gone.

  Now, nearly a month later, I still felt that uncertainty. Josh called every night like clockwork. At first, the conversation was stilted—I would tell him about Danny and what he had done that day. But, as Danny was only six weeks old, there wasn’t a whole lot to tell. So we would politely question each other about our days, and hang up. It was majorly awkward.

  As time went on, his calls started to feel more natural. We started talking, like we used to, about everything. He had seen a movie he thought I would like, I had read a book I loved but I knew he would hate. We talked about our jobs. He wanted to know everything about the book store and I was happy to tell him. I told him how much I loved it, how amazing it felt to have responsibilities, to have ideas and to get to put them in motion. I could hear that he was impressed, proud of me even, in his voice. I enjoyed his reaction, but I didn’t feel like my life hinged on it.

  He still was not talking to his parents. His mother called and left him a message almost every day, crying and begging him to forgive her. She told him she had panicked when she heard my news, and had only ever wanted what was best for him. Incidentally, she had taken the picture of Amy off of Josh’s computer. It had been taken at a party for Josh’s promotion to editor—a party I myself had attended. Oddly, Josh was nearly as angry about this invasion of privacy as he was about the rest of it.