My One Night: An On My Own Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Dillon was practically growling at this point, and I just looked at him and then leaned forward on my knees to kiss him softly. “Dillon,” I breathed against his lips.

  “Thank you,” he whispered, his shoulders relaxing. “I needed that.”

  “Anything. What happened at the house?”

  Dillon shrugged, and I remained kneeling in front of him, keeping my hands on him. “Dear old dad—or Dave…whatever the fuck I should call him since calling him a sperm donor feels crass—”

  “We can call him fuck face if you want. Would that help?”

  I was trying to lighten the mood, and when Dillon’s eyes brightened, some of the darkness leaching away, I counted it as a win.

  “Thank you,” he whispered. “I’m going to call him that from now on. Maybe just in my head so I don’t get in trouble with my sisters.”

  I smiled, though I knew it wasn’t full. Not when Dillon was hurting.

  “Anyway, he threatened. Wanted money. Growled a bit. But the guys helped me get him out. They all stood behind me and were on my side. It was kind of nice.”

  “They seem like good guys.”

  “Yeah. They are. You know, fuck face—as you called him—thought they could have been my brothers. He doesn’t even know what the fuck they look like.”

  “Really?” I didn’t know what else to say about that. Dillon was hurting so much, and there was nothing I could do but sit and listen and try to be there for him.

  “Maybe. I don’t know. He said he found me and the house on Instagram—and that’s not scary at all.”

  “They hashtag each of the houses on college row,” I said. “There’s no privacy anywhere. Anyone can find us. It’s creepy.”

  “Tell me about it. I’m careful about what I put on social media, but since nobody else is, it makes it kind of difficult.”

  “It’s why you’re not on my socials,” I said, wincing. “And mostly…well, it’s because of that, and because as soon as I put you on social media, my parents will never let me hear the end of it. And then they’ll growl and take me away from school or some shit.”

  I hadn’t meant to say that, but Dillon just blinked at me. “Excuse me?”

  “First, we were really good about lying about what label we were using,” I said softly, trying to laugh, but Dillon didn’t. “And my parents are strict about what they expect from me. I’m paying my own way with my scholarship, but it’s all a bit confusing. They’re really pushy about what I’m supposed to be focusing on. And boys are not it.”

  “And yet, here you are, with a boy in your room,” Dillon said softly, teasing. He was smiling then, though it didn’t completely reach his eyes.

  “Yes. The audacity.” I let out a breath. “I’m sorry you had a rough day.”

  “I’m sorry you had a tough test. We can still talk about that if you’d like.”

  “I’m pretty sure your day kind of puts mine into perspective. And I think I did okay on the test. I was just being overdramatic.”

  Dillon leaned forward, kissed me on the lips, and I sighed. “Good job, then. Now, let’s drink some of our coffee before it gets cold. We can talk about silly things. Like the fact that I’m pretty sure I saw Sanders’ girlfriend’s car in your driveway.”

  “Oh, yes, she’s studying with Natalie.”

  “Are they all sitting at the door? Just wondering.”

  “I don’t think so.” We both froze, trying to listen, but I didn’t hear anything. I relaxed. “Now, tell me something good.”

  “What do you mean?” Dillon asked.

  “Tell me something good. Something that makes you smile. I think we need that.”

  Dillon looked at me then, and I swallowed hard, my chest tightening.

  “You. You make me smile. That might be cheesy to say, though I could always say that cheese makes me smile. But I’m going with you. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not making me feel like a freak. Just thank you.”

  “You’re not a freak, Dillon. I mean, if you are, then I totally am. But thank you for talking to me about it. I feel like you trusted me with something big, and I want to make sure I earn that. You know?”

  He leaned forward, kissed me again. “I know. And I’m happy that I came here tonight.”

  I leaned into him. We talked about the rest of our respective days, and I knew if I wasn’t careful, the tightening in my chest would become something more. Because I was one step away from falling.

  And I didn’t know where I would land if I did.

  Chapter 11

  Dillon

  * * *

  After the second set of exams for any class on a three-exam schedule, Sanders decided it would probably be best if we had another house party. And since the rest of us had agreed, the exams having been difficult, and most of us in need of a night off, it was our turn to host. That’s how we ended up with a house filled to the rafters once again, people making out, laughing, arguing, and just having a good time. There was beer, some liquor, and a lot of food. The food was thanks to Pacey’s contacts, and I did my best not to think about exactly how he had ended up with those. Pacey seemed to know everybody, but then again, so did Tanner. However, Tanner didn’t seem to talk to anyone. I wasn’t sure how that worked out, but if it got more food for the house that I didn’t have to pay for or make, I was happy.

  “I have no idea how you can stand having so many people in your house,” Elise said, standing next to me. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. I ignored the looks of some of the partygoers. This was our first time attending a party as a couple, and we were still trying to figure out what that meant. Others would talk, they would nose around, and I planned to ignore them. I just hoped Elise could.

  “I don’t know. It doesn’t bother me all that much. Maybe it did at one point. But I pushed those thoughts from my mind. They can’t get into my room, so it’s not like I feel as if they’re in my space. It’s sort of like we’re at the bar. This is just where people hang out. I guess you get used to it after a while.”

  She nodded. “I suppose that makes sense. You have your family brewery, and now you have a place where people come to drink and have a good time. It just happens to be right under your bedroom.”

  “We can always leave. Either go back to your place or lock ourselves in my bedroom. Or maybe even go to a café or something if this is too much.”

  She shrugged and took a sip of her beer. “No, this is good. I don’t mind. I mean, I did get to meet you here.”

  “I thought you met me at the coffee shop.”

  “No, I saw you from afar, and it started the whole dare thing.” She winked, and I fell even harder.

  “I, for one, am glad for the dare.” It’s as much as I would go into actually voicing my feelings, and she seemed to get that.

  “Is that Miles?” she asked, and I looked over to where she pointed and then nodded. “Yes. I think he’s dating that girl, Tiffany. Or at least they hang out a lot.”

  “I don’t know her. I think I saw her with him last time, though.”

  “Yes, they’re very competitive when it comes to school, though I don’t know if they’re actually dating or if they just use fighting as foreplay.” I froze and then shuddered. “Forget I said that. I don’t want to think about that ever again.”

  Elise laughed. “No problem. I don’t want to think about that ever again either. Where are your other roommates?”

  “Mackenzie and Sanders are in the kitchen. Mackenzie always helps make sure the food is all set out correctly. I don’t mind because that means I don’t have to do it, and she’s great at making lists and shit, so she gets it done. Pacey was helping them, but then Sanders got all possessive for some reason. Now, Pacey is off hanging out with his friend Sasha, and I think two of your roommates.” I pointed to a corner, and Elise’s eyes widened.

  “I am ninety percent sure that both Nessa and Corinne either have a huge crush on Pacey or want to be his best friend. Th
ey all seem to get along really well.”

  I looked over at the group in the corner and nodded. “I don’t know about the crushes, but they do seem to get along. And I’m pretty sure Pacey has known them for a while.”

  “Corinne said that she’s known him for a bit. I don’t know if there are romantic feelings on her end or even his, but I will have to make sure that Nessa doesn’t get her heart broken.”

  I looked down at her and frowned. “What do you mean?”

  She winced and shook her head quickly. “I said too much. Pretend I didn’t say anything.”

  I squeezed her shoulder. “Okay, but if you want to talk about it, I’m here. That could get complicated, I guess. Pacey isn’t looking for anything steady.”

  Elise shook her head. “I’m not going to discuss it. I really shouldn’t have said anything at all.”

  “You’re right. So, let’s talk about something else.”

  “Let’s discuss how Tanner just showed up with a guy, and now he’s talking with a girl.”

  That made me laugh. “I think the three of them are together, honestly. Or are at least together for parties. I don’t know, and I don’t ask. It’s none of my business. And even if I did ask, Tanner would probably just growl and not answer me.”

  Elise snorted. “You’re right. He likely wouldn’t answer you.”

  Someone cleared their throat beside us, and I looked over to see Mandy. I froze. I did not want to talk to my ex-girlfriend. Not that she was my ex-girlfriend as she hadn’t wanted that label, but labeling her as the girl I used to fuck because that’s all she wanted from me when I thought maybe I wanted something more didn’t make sense.

  “Hey, Dillon. Fancy meeting you here,” she said. She looked over at Elise. “Hi, I’m Mandy. You look so familiar.”

  Elise stiffened a bit, and I lowered my hand slightly so it rested on her hip, giving her a gentle squeeze. Mandy caught the movement, and she narrowed her eyes slightly before putting on her usual bright smile.

  “Hi, I’m Elise. I think we’ve seen each other across campus a few times.”

  “Must be. This is Jeff.”

  The guy nodded. “Hey,” he grumbled.

  “Hi,” I said, feeling awkward as hell.

  “Anyway, I won’t be here for long. I’m just meeting a few friends before we go out clubbing. I’m twenty-one now,” she said, waggling her fingers.

  That made me smile. “That’s right. Happy birthday.”

  She waved it off. “I would’ve invited you, but it would’ve been weird. Don’t you think?” She wasn’t asking me but instead looking at Elise. “Anyway, I just wanted to say good luck. I mean, he may be good with his words and his dick, but he’s not going to love you. And you seem like the type who needs to be loved. You deserve it. All women do. He’s just not going to be that for you. I want you to know that there will be a man out there for you when it’s time. So, you have fun with Dillon Connolly. He’ll make you have the most fun ever, but when it’s over, you come and find me. I’ll find you your forever. Just like I found mine.” She smiled as if she hadn’t just cut us to the quick and then turned on her heel and walked away.

  “Wow,” Elise said, drawing out the word.

  “She said that all so quickly, I couldn’t say what I wanted to. Like, what the fuck?”

  “That sounds about right. What the hell happened between you two?”

  I shook my head. “I have no fucking clue. It wasn’t that bad when we were together. And she wasn’t a mean person. But, apparently, she hid it pretty deep beneath all her layers. I didn’t see that.”

  Elise shook her head. “I think she just put you into a nice little box so she didn’t get hurt, then made you stay there, even if she was the one lashing out. But hell, that was weird.”

  “I don’t know,” I said, blushing, hating myself just a little. “You know, people can fall in love when they’re twenty, but they don’t know what they want with the rest of their lives. Still, they found their person. For me? I feel like you need to fall in love with yourself first. Figure out who you are before you can find who you connect with.”

  She blinked at me, and I wasn’t even aware I had said the words aloud. “That’s very deep. And I agree with you.”

  I shrugged. “Or maybe she and I just weren’t right for each other. I don’t know. I’m still learning about this whole school thing. This whole relationship thing.” I winced, looking down at her. “Sorry. Like I said, I’m not good at this.”

  “I’m not either. But I think we’re both better at it than anything she just threw at us.”

  That made me laugh. “I sure hope so. Because, hell, I didn’t realize I was a launching pad for the rest of her life. I swear I’m not a douche. I don’t sleep around. I didn’t before her, and I’m not going to start now.”

  “I get it,” Elise whispered.

  I was exhausted and a little annoyed. I hadn’t realized that Mandy had seen me in that way, and I was irritated with myself for not even standing up for myself or Elise. Elise seemed to understand since Mandy had spoken so quickly and had dashed away before we even had a chance to respond. But it still felt weird.

  The rest of the party died down early, but it only made sense. We were in the middle of the semester, and most people had papers or exams coming up.

  In the end, only my roommates, Elise, Mackenzie, and I had stayed. Even Elise’s roommates had left, saying they needed to work on papers and other things. I didn’t know if that was true, but seeing Pacey so forlorn and awkward about it was odd. I ignored it. It was what I was good at—at least for now. I needed to focus on Elise. Not Mandy, not my roommates’ drama, not anything else. Elise.

  And that wasn’t even right. I had told myself that I needed to focus on work and school, and now Elise came first. Or maybe it was all just blending together.

  Jesus, I needed a drink, or to go to sleep and stop wallowing. I wasn’t a wallower, yet here I was, muddled in my thoughts.

  “Is everything okay?” Mackenzie asked, then sighed as I looked up at her. She had a large trash bag and was cleaning up. “Sorry that I’m just stepping in and cleaning. I figured I could help. I’m staying the night,” she said, blushing. “And I’m not good with messes. Is this okay?”

  I laughed and held up my empty trash bag. “I need to start cleaning up, as well, so you’re not alone. Thank you, though.”

  “It’s no problem. But really, are you okay?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, just a long night.”

  “I can see that. I saw Mandy here.” She winced. “Sorry. I try not to judge people, but sometimes she can be catty when she’s trying to pretend that she’s okay.”

  Elise walked up then and started to help me stuff garbage into the bags. “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “Yeah. You think she’s hurting? Did I do something?” I asked, afraid that that was the case.

  “No,” Mackenzie said. “I don’t think she and Jeff are doing as well as she’d like us to think,” she said. “And now it sounds like I’m gossiping, and I’m not a gossiper. I just happen to know things.”

  “Is it gossip when you’re just trying to explain why she was so rude to us?” Elise asked, and I nodded.

  “Yes, what she said.”

  Mackenzie sighed. “I guess you’re right. Anyway, I don’t think their relationship is going too great. And because of that, she’s trying to prove to herself that she ended the relationship with you for a reason other than her just being cruel and thinking that she needed to.”

  “I don’t know her as well as I used to since we aren’t in the same circles anymore.” Mackenzie looked at me. “She wasn’t thrilled that I’ve stayed with Sanders as long as I have. I mean, I’m happy. I don’t need to keep bouncing around from guy to guy to find that happiness. She’s welcome to, but sometimes she hurts people along the way.”

  “Yeah, she does,” I said dryly. “And it’s starting to make me feel like I’m a pushover, and that’s not what I am.”r />
  “Of course, you’re not,” Elise said, frowning. “You knew what you wanted, and that’s fine. She’s just trying to rewrite history, and that’s not the way things work.”

  “I don’t know. But I’m kind of done letting her take up real estate in my head. You know?”

  “Exactly,” Mackenzie said.

  “What are you all talking about in here?” Sanders asked, strutting in. He had a beer in his hand and handed another to me. I accepted it, even if I hadn’t been sure I wanted one.

  “I wasn’t sure what you wanted, Elise, I’m sorry,” Sanders said.

  “I’m fine for the night,” Elise said. “But thank you.”

  He kissed Mackenzie on the top of her head, and she smiled up at him warmly, pure bliss on her face. The two of them seemed great. They got one another and were happy. It was odd to me to think that you could find happiness so young and make it work. But then again, maybe you could. They had.

  I did my best not to look at Elise just then, not with where my thoughts were headed. It would be a little too weird if I did. Not when I was trying to formulate my thoughts.

  Mackenzie perked up. “Oh, by the way, if you guys happen to hear of a house looking for roommates, let me know. I’m trying to find an apartment or at least something to live in for the next year. My roommates are all seniors and are graduating. I should’ve been fine, but now they’re changing up the lease where I’m currently living and doubling the rent. It’s a little ridiculous.”

  I winced. “That sucks.” I looked up at Sanders, but Mackenzie gave me a slight shake of her head.

  I wasn’t going to ask, and I didn’t even know if we were ready to have a woman live with us, but if her living with Sanders wasn’t a good idea, I wasn’t going to step in the middle of that. Plus, it wasn’t even my place.

  “If I hear of something, I’ll let you know,” Elise said. “It’s too bad that we only have a four-bedroom,” she said.

  “I know. I get along with all of you so well, but I think having five of us in your house might be a little too much.”