To Die In Italbar

by Roger Zelazny

  "How did you come to invade the person of Jackara?"

  "Your servant Shjnd was linked with her mind when I encountered her. She was preferable to the man I knew. I came over. It is good to have this sex again."

  _Shi nd! Shind!_ he called. _Where are you? What has happened?_

  "Your servants are unwell," she said. "But there is no need for them any longer. In fact, they must be left behind. Especially the man Morwin. Come! We will return to the ship."

  But faintly, very faintly, like a dog scratching at a door, Shind touched his mind.

  ... _Right ... Sandow--was right... I have seen a mind -- beyond comprehension... Destroy--her_. .

  Still shaken, Malacar fumbled at his holster ...

  "Pity," she said. "It could have been pleasant. But I can go it alone now--and I fear that I must."

  ... And knew that he would be too late, for Jackara's gun was already in the hand of the stranger.

  * * *

  Rags of consciousness raised by a black tide, dropped, raised again. Streamers now, farther aloft. Then down. Up ...

  Morwin's eyes fell upon the pistol.

  Even before he realized who he was, his hand groped for the gun, seized it. The cold congruence of palm and curved metal butt was security, comfort.

  Blinking, he saw his way back into existence, followed it, lifted his head.

  _Shind? Where are you?_

  But Shind did not reply, was not to be seen.

  Turning, he regarded the prostrate form of the man, perhaps twenty paces distant. There was blood upon him.

  He got to his feet and moved in that direction.

  The man was breathing. His head was turned away from Morwin, his right arm flung grotesquely to the side, the hand twitching.

  Morwin stood over him a moment, then circled, knelt and stared into his face. The eyes were open but unfocused.

  "Can you hear me?" he asked.

  The man exhaled sharply, winced. A light came into his eyes and they moved, met with Morwin's own. His face was pocked, creased, sallow, dotted with raw sores.

  "I hear you," he said softly.

  Morwin shifted his grip on the pistol.

  "Are you Heidel von Hymack?" he asked him. "Are you the man called H?"

  "I am Heidel von Hymack."

  "But are you H?"

  The man did not answer immediately. He sighed, then coughed. Morwin glanced at his wounds. He appeared to have been hit in the right shoulder and arm.

  "I--I have been sick," he finally said. Then he chuckled, a series of dry croaks. "... Now I feel fine."

  "You want some water?"

  "Yes!"

  Morwin rehoistered his gun, unstoppered his canteen, carefully raised the man's head and trickled water into his mouth. The man drank half the canteen before he gagged and drew away.

  "Why didn't you say you were thirsty?"

  The other glanced at the gun, smiled faintly, shrugged his good shoulder.

  "Thought you might not want to waste it."

  Morwin put away the canteen.

  "Well? Are you H?" he said.

  "What difference does an initial make? I was the plaguebearer."

  "You have been aware of this fact all along?"

  "Yes."

  "Do you hate people that much? Or is it that you just don't give a damn?"

  "Neither one," he said. "Go ahead and shoot me if you want."

  "Why did you let it happen?"

  "It does not matter now. She is gone. It is over. Go ahead."

  He sat up, still smiling.

  "You act as if you want me to kill you."

  "What are you waiting for?"

  Morwin chewed his lip.

  "You know I'm the man who shot you--" he began.

  Heidel von Hymack knit his brows and turned his head slowly, regarding his body.

  "I--I did not realize I had been shot," he said. "Yes ... Yes, I can see now. And I feel it ..."

  "What did you think happened to you?"

  "I lost--something. Something in my mind. It is gone now, and I feel as I have not felt in many years. The shock of separation, the feeling of relief-- I was--distracted."

  "How? What was it that occurred?"

  "I am not certain. One moment this thing was with me, and then I felt the presence of another as well ... Then-- everything departed ... When I awakened you were here."

  "What thing?"

  "You would not understand. I don't myself, really."

  "Does it involve a blue woman--like, a goddess?"

  Heidel von Hymack looked away.

  "Yes," he said. Then he clutched at his shoulder.

  "I'd better do something about your wounds."

  Heidel allowed him to bind his arm and shoulder. He accepted more water.

  "Why did you shoot me?" he finally said.

  "It was more reflex than anything else. The--thing you lost--scared the hell out of me."

  "You actually saw her?"

  "Yes. With the help of a telepath."

  "Where is he?"

  "I don't know. I am afraid she was hurt."

  "Hadn't you better find out? You can leave me. I can't go far. Not that it matters now."

  "I suppose I should," he said. _Shind! Damn it! Where are you? Do you need help?_

  _Stay_, came a weak reply. _Stay there. I will be all right. I need only to rest... awhile_ ...

  _Shind! What happened?_

  Silence.

  _Shind! Damn it! Answer me!_

  _Malacar_, came the reply, _is dead. Wait now... Wait_.

  Morwin stared at his hands.

  "Aren't you going to?" Heidel asked him.

  He did not reply.

  _Jackara! Shind! Is Jackara all right?_

  Nothing.

  _Shind! How is Jackara?_

  _She lives. Wait now_.

  "What is wrong?" Heidel asked.

  "I don't know."

  "Your friend ... ?"

  "... is alive. We have just been in contact. That is not the problem now."

  "What, then?"

  "I don't know. Not yet. I am waiting."

  _I am trying to find out, John. I have to be careful. That goddess-thing is there_.

  _Where?_

  _With Jackara_.

  _How? How did it happen?_

  _I believe that I was responsible, that she traveled by means of my link with Jackara. I am not certain how_.

  _How did the Commander die?_

  _She shot him_.

  _Then what of Jackara?_

  _That is what I am trying to find out. Leave me alone, and I will let you know when I do_.

  _What can I do?_

  _Nothing. Wait_.

  Silence.

  After a time, "Do you know now?" Heidel asked.

  "I know nothing. Except that I have lost something too."

  "What is happening?"

  "My friend is trying to find out. At least we know where your goddess went. --How do you feel?"

  "I do not understand my feelings. She was with me a long while. Years. For a time, she healed through me those who had been stricken with peculiar ills. It was as if we carried both these things and their remedies within us. For I was always protected myself. Then in Italbar I was attacked for a slip of fortune, stoned. It was as if I had gone to die in Italbar. Everything was changed. Her nature, I learned then, was dual. In both aspects she functions to remove disease. In the form in which I first knew her, she sought to purify life in this fashion. In her other aspect, it is life itself that she deems the disease, and she seeks to purify matter by curing it of this ailment. Ironically--or perhaps not so--it was by means of that which she had earlier viewed as disease that she sought to do this. She is a remedy as well as a condition. I have served her as apostle in both extremes. --What did she seem like when you saw her?"

  "Blue and evil and powerful. Beautiful, too. She seemed to mock me, threaten me ..."

  "Where is she now?"

  "She has taken possession of
a girl--not far from here. She just killed a man."

  "Oh."

  "You have been the subject of quite a search."

  "Yes, I guess I did know that--some way."

  There came a roll of thunder near at hand. When its echoes subsided, Morwin said, "She may have been right."

  "About what?"

  "Life being a disease."

  "I don't know. It does not matter. Does it? I mean, that is only one way of looking at things, no matter what her power."

  "Do you look at things that way?"

  "I suppose so. I--worshiped--her. I believed her. I still probably do."

  "How's the shoulder?"

  "Hurts like hell."

  "She must have done some good too."

  "I suppose so."

  Bright flashes occurred to the south, followed by more thunder. A few spatters of rain fell upon them, about them.

  "Let's get over to those rocks," said Morwin. "They slant some. Might keep us dry."

  He helped von Hymack to his feet, drew his arm across his shoulders, supported him in slow progress to the place beside the stone.

  _There are two of them, came Shind, and they are moving toward one another now_.

  _Two of what? What are you talking about?_

  But Shind seemed not to have heard.

  _They have awareness of one another, he went on. I must be very careful. Size hurt me so ... Strange that I did not recognize his peculiarity when first we met ... But then, it is nearer the surface now. Sandow, too, is accompanied by a shadowy Other_.

  _Sandow? He is here? With Jackara?_

  _They are talking. She still holds the gun, but he stands too far away. I cannot tell, here at the edges of things, whether she is aware that he is unalone. He called her by name, which has gained her attention. She replies. He advances. It does not seem that she will shoot, for her curiosity is aroused. They speak in another language, but I catch at the rag-tails of their thoughts. He seems to know her, from somewhere--else ... She awaits as he draws near. He salutes her in some fashion which she acknowledges. He tells her now that she has violated a rule which I do not understand. She is amused by this_.

  Morwin brought von Hymack into the shelter of the rocks. He lowered him to the ground, where he assumed a sitting position, back braced against the stone. He seated himself beside him and stared into the grayness. By then, the rainfall had become steady.

  _He tells her that she must go-- I do not understand where, or how... She laughs. That painful laughter ... He waits until she has finished laughing and begins to speak. It is some formal thing that he says--memorized, not spontaneous. It is intricate and rhythmical, containing many paradoxes. I do not understand it. She listens_.

  "Heidel, she is now with a man who is presumably trying to stop her. I do not know what will conic of it. But it is for this that we are waiting. Whatever the outcome, I have no idea what will become of you. My commander, my best friend, is dead. He had plans for you which will never come to pass. They were not especially admirable plans. But he was a great man nevertheless, and I might have helped him with them. Then again, I might have killed you, because of a danger you represented to him. Either way ..."

  "I probably deserve anything unpleasant that happens to me."

  "It strikes me that you were manipulated, both by circumstances and a parasitic autonomous complex with paranormal capabilities."

  "You toss that off pretty glibly."

  "I've been pestered by paranorm specialists most of my life. I'm an empathesiac telekineticist, whatever the hell that means--well, I move things around with my mind, and I can cause objects to induce specific feelings in people. I've absorbed the terminology. I sympathize with you. You have been used, and I would have been party to your continued exploitation. Tell me what it is that you want now."

  "What? I don't know ... To die? No. To go away, I'd say. Someplace far, isolated. That is all I ever really wanted. I haven't been myself for so long that I want to get to know me again. Yes, to go away ..."

  --_has finished, and she is no longer amused. She has angry words for him... Threatening... But now the thing in his mind is much nearer to the surface--the thing so like herself, when first I felt her presence in von Hymack. He speaks of this thing, mentioning a name. Shimbo, it seems to be. She raises the gun_--

  There came a dazzling flash, followed by a crack of thunder. Morwin sprang to his feet.

  _Shind! What happened?_

  "What--?" said von Hymack, jerking his head about.

  Morwin slowly sank back. The thunder came again, between small, steady flashes of light, a low, growling note that did not cease.

  _The bolt struck between them, Shind said. She dropped the weapon and he took it, cast it away. But now he is no longer himself. Both their minds are mainly opaque. They are somehow akin, and there is an exchange of energies betiveen them. I believe he bids her depart once more and she protests the unfairness of it. I feel that there is fear in her. He replies. She does something ... Now he is angry. Again, he tells her to depart. She begins to argue and he interrupts her, asking whether she would carry the dispute to a contest_.

  The thunder ceased. The winds grew still. Abruptly, the rain halted. The fog-hung air was instantly possessed of an unnatural stillness.

  _I detect nothing now_, Shind said. _It is as though they have become a pair of statues_.

  _Shind, where are you right now, physically?_

  _I am drawing quite near their position. I have been moving toward them since I recovered. I was hoping there might still be something I could do. Now, though, it is purely a matter of curiosity. We are only about a quarter of a mile from you_.

  _Have you looked into von Hymack's mind recently?_

  _Yes. He is still in a state of depression. Harmless_ ...

  _What are we to do with him, now?_

  _The searchers are drawing nearer. I suppose we might just let them find him_.

  _Do you think they would hurt him?_

  _Difficult to say. The group I can pick up seems pretty businesslike about the whole thing, but there are some angry, unstable types ... Wait! --They are moving again! She raises her arm and begins to speak. He gestures also and joins her in whatever she is saying. Now_--

  The sky seemed to collapse in a blazing sheet, and the peal of thunder that followed was the loudest he had ever heard. When his senses finally cleared, lie realized that it had resumed raining and that the taste in his mouth was blood, from where he had bitten into his lip.

  _Now what, Shind?_ he inquired.

  Again, the silence.

  Then, "Heidel, other searchers are fairly near here--the real thing," he said. "Of course, they want to find you in order to stop the epidemics."

  "That should all be ended. I can feel myself changing. I know the safe feeling, and it is on its way. Almost here, actually."

  "But inasmuch as you are the only one aware of this feeling, they will still doubtless want to take you into custody. I understand that Dr. Larmon Pels is associated with the search. He would probably have you quarantined, studied. So you may get your wish for isolation."

  "May?"

  "I am wondering about the searchers themselves. Some of them may have lost relatives, friends ..."

  "I suppose you are right. Any suggestions--beyond simple avoidance?"

  "Not yet. If only we knew--"

  _I believe that the issue has been decided_, Shind said.

  _Which way?_

  _I cannot tell. They are both unconscious_.

  _Were they injured?_

  _It seems the result of some form of psychic shock, so I cannot be certain. Perhaps you should come now. Jackara will need you_.

  _Yes. How do I find you?_

  _Relax your mind and let me move further in. I will guide your steps to me_.

  _Don't guide too quickly. Heidel is not so fast on his feet_.

  _What do we need him for?_

  _Nothing. He needs us_.

  _Very well. Come_.

/>   "All right, Heidel," he said. "Now is the time."

  They rose together and, under one poncho, leaning together, moved through the mist and the rain, moisture starring their faces, a fresh-risen wind at their backs.

  When he finally came upon them, Morwin found Shind beside the man Sandow, who sat holding Jackara's hand and supporting her back with his arm.

  "Is she all right?" he asked.

  Sandow looked at Shind, then at Morwin. Then, "Physically, yes," he said.

  He released von Hymack, who seated himself on a stone.

  "Give this to that man," Sandow said.

  "What?"

  "A cigar, He'd like one."

  "Yes. --How serious ... ?"

  _We have both viewed her thoughts_, Shind said. _She is a child again, in a slightly happier time_.

  "But how severe is it?"

  _See whether she recognizes you_.

  "Jackara?" he said. "How are you feeling? It's John . . Are you all right?"

  She turned her head and stared at him. Then she smiled.

  "How are you?" he asked.

  _There was a flicker_, Shind said.

  He extended his hand. She drew back, dropped her eyes.

  "It's me. John. Wait!"

  He fumbled in his pocket, withdrew a handful of coins, tossed them into the air. They swirled wildly, swarmed, fell into a pattern. Forming an ellipse, they danced before her, moving faster and faster. She raised her eyes and stared. She smiled again.

  Perspiration broke out on his brow as they spun, sped, turned.

  "Is it a record?" she said.

  They showered, clattering, to the ground.

  "I don't know. I wasn't counting. I think so. You do remember."

  "... Yes. Do it again--John."

  The coins rose from the ground, hovered, began a Brownian movement before her.

  "You do re--"

  _Do not force her to recall anything. She wants to be distracted. She does not want to remember. Make it easy. Just keep distracting her_.

  He juggled the coins, only glancing occasionally to see whether she was still smiling. He smelled the smoke from Heidel's cigar. He felt Sandow move within his mind.

  --_So that is what you hit her with, he said. Now I understand_--.

  The thought terminated abruptly.

  He dropped the coins again when the implication reached him.

  "No!" he said. "Do not tell me that thing migrated to Jackara because I hit it with my mind! I--"