War of the World Records

by Matthew Ward

  “Come on, now. I’m sure it can’t be that bad—I mean, can it?”

  “Oh, it’s bad.”

  At that moment, Arthur thought back to his initial suspicions, and how the girl had failed to respond when asked if her record was worse than murder. It suddenly struck him that—after months of unquenchable curiosity— perhaps he didn’t actually want to know her secret after all.

  “Don’t be silly,” he said, chuckling nervously. “It’s not like finding out your record will cause any sort of mental anguish or physical pain—right?”

  “Depends on your definition of pain, I guess.”

  “What? Okay, hold on,” Arthur protested. “Maybe—”

  He flinched as Ruby put one hand over his mouth, then pointed to the ground with the other.

  “Shocking, isn’t it?” she said with a cringe.

  Arthur scrunched up his eyes and looked down to discover that Ruby had kicked off her shoes and was now standing on bare feet. In the dreamy haze of dawn, Arthur sensed something slightly odd about the view before him, but he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what. And then, he realized. On each of Ruby’s feet, there were seven petite toes.

  “I told you you didn’t want to know,” she said, removing her hand from his mouth.

  Arthur blinked. “Wait. That’s it? That’s your terrifying secret world record?”

  “Yep,” Ruby sighed, giving her toes a nervous twitch. “Disgusting, aren’t they?”

  “Are you joking?” Arthur blurted. “I’d give anything to have toes like yours.”

  Ruby’s brow furrowed. “Come on—seriously. You don’t think they’re vile?”

  “Not at all.”

  “Rex and Rita have always said I should keep them covered, because no one wants to see such ugliness.”

  “What? Is that why you got so spooked by that extra-limbed skeleton at the archives? Gosh. Your parents just get stranger and stranger the more I find out about them. First the lizards, then the secret societies and murderous plots—and now this. Honestly, I don’t know what they’re talking about. Those are the best looking toes I’ve ever seen.”

  “But all the other Goldwins are completely perfect. Really, you can hardly blame them for being disgusted.”

  “I don’t think they’re perfect at all,” Arthur retorted. “I mean, first of all, there’s the whole homicidal mania thing—but even overlooking that—how many of them can say they have world-record-breaking toes? That’s no small thing where I come from—in fact, it’s pretty much everything. I mean, really, I’m starting to get jealous just thinking about it.”

  At this, Ruby’s right dimple began to reveal itself—and was promptly followed by her left. “You really are weird, you know,” she said.

  “Hey,” Arthur smiled back, “I’m not the one who’s ashamed of my record-breaking toes.”

  The two stood smiling in silence for a moment, before Ruby slipped her shoes back on and announced, “All right, well, I’d better be going. Wouldn’t want Rex and Rita to get suspicious. Which reminds me, actually—when can we get back to the investigation? Surely the forces of evil have gone unchecked too long by the sleuthing skills of Detectives Whipple and Goldwin?”

  “Indeed they have. After the archives, I figured I wouldn’t get anywhere on the case without my hard-boiled partner there to drive it forward. So I sort of buried myself in training for the championships and, well, writing you apology letters. Guess I hoped I could win you back onto my side or something. Sounds a bit silly now when I say it out loud.”

  “Ah, the fog of war,” Ruby said with a nod. “It’s affected us all as of late, has it not? Can’t say I’ve managed any better myself. Apart from Rex having the house on constant lockdown, I’ve been so preoccupied making voodoo dolls in your likeness, I’ve hardly had a chance to do anything else. Rigorous production schedule, you understand.”

  “Hmm,” Arthur scowled. “Well, I imagine we should get back to detective work as soon as possible—especially with the championships coming to a close today. There’s no telling what Rex and the Ardmore Association might do if they don’t get the results they’re hoping for.”

  “Agreed. I have a feeling something major might be going down in the next several hours. Even with your big event today, we’ll have to keep our eyes doubly peeled for the slightest sign of foul play.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “Okay then,” said Ruby. “See you at the championships.”

  She turned and took two steps into the trees—but then promptly whirled back around.

  “Oh, and, Arthur—again, good luck today. That record doesn’t stand a chance.”

  “Thanks,” Arthur said with a wave as he tried to ignore the growing knot in his stomach that seemed to coil tighter at every mention of his upcoming record attempt.

  Ruby waved back, then continued on in her original direction. As Arthur watched her make her way through the grove, he thought to himself how good it was to have her back on his side.

  And then, suddenly, Ruby vanished.

  Beneath the Surface

  At first, Arthur suspected the girl’s disappearance to be a simple trick of the early morning fog—but when he heard the screams a moment later, he knew it had been no illusion.

  “Arthur, help!” Ruby’s voice called from some unseen location.

  Arthur’s heart jolted to full speed as he dashed forward into the foggy wood. He pushed through the mist to reach the spot where Ruby’s body had vaporized. It was then he noticed the massive opening in the ground before him.

  “Wait!” warned Ruby’s voice. “Don’t—”

  The next moment, Arthur found himself admiring the hole’s impressive dimensions from within as he plummeted through it.

  He caught a glimpse of Ruby scrambling to get out of the way beneath him before his fall was brought to an abrupt and rather unpleasant end by a large mound of earth.

  “Ughh,” Arthur groaned when the dust had settled.

  “Tell me about it,” replied Ruby from her position on the floor a few yards away. “Are you all right?”

  “I think so. You?”

  “Never better,” Ruby grumbled as she stood and dusted herself off.

  “What happened?” asked Arthur.

  “I don’t know. I was just walking along and suddenly the ground gave out under my feet and I found myself down here.”

  Arthur stood up and examined their surroundings. They appeared to be in the middle of some sort of cavern, which stretched off into the darkness in either direction. The narrow opening in the ten-foot ceiling they’d just tumbled through was cluttered with protruding tree roots and fallen leaves. On either side of the hole, rough wooden arches reinforced the roof at irregular intervals, all of them connected by a sagging string of glass bulbs.

  “But where exactly is here?” said Ruby. “Your father hasn’t recently installed a coal mine on your estate, has he?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Any tunnel-digging contests or human-worm events?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  Arthur turned to the earthen wall beside him and started to climb. When he was three feet up the gradually sloping face, his footholds disintegrated and he tumbled to the floor. He bounced back to his feet and promptly tried again but was met with similar results.

  “Hmm,” said Ruby. “I guess we’re just going to have to see where it leads then.”

  The children started up the northerly leg of the tunnel, but before the light from the opening had completely fallen off, their path was blocked by a large, steel-barred door.

  “Looks like we’ll have to try the other direction—unless, of course, you happen to have a cutting torch in your pocket.”

  “Not today, I’m afraid.”

  “Hey, what’s this?” Ruby blurted, pulling on a loose length of co
rd connected to a small metal switch box. She flipped the switch with her thumb, and the string of glass globes lining the cave flickered to life, casting a warm glow on its jagged walls. “Well,” she added, “if we’re going to be lost forever beneath the surface of the earth, at least we won’t have to do it in total darkness, right?”

  “Yes. That is very comforting.”

  The pair turned about and proceeded back down the tunnel in the opposite direction.

  “We’d better hope this thing actually goes somewhere,” Ruby said as they passed the opening in the roof where they had involuntarily entered the cave, “or we might have to get used to a diet of groundwater and cave crickets.”

  “Believe me, I’m hoping.”

  When the children had walked just over a hundred yards, Arthur spotted a peculiar object at the edge of the cavern floor. “What is that?” he asked, pointing to the bright-red, plum-sized orb beside them.

  Ruby took a step closer. She squinted down at it for a moment, then stooped forward and picked it up. “Looks like . . .”

  “Like a rubber ball?” Arthur suggested. “Maybe Simon’s been doing a bit of subterranean juggling in his free time and left one behind?”

  “It’s not a ball, I’m afraid,” said Ruby. She held the object between her thumbs and forefingers and spread them apart to reveal a large slit in the foamy red rubber. “No, this looks more like . . . Arthur, I’m beginning to think I might know what this place is.”

  “Really? Well, what is it then? Where are we?”

  “Unless I’m mistaken,” Ruby said gravely, “what we have here is an all-purpose clown nose.”

  “What?” Arthur gasped. “Are you sure?”

  Ruby sighed. “One knows best what one fears most.”

  “Hmm,” said Arthur. “So, wait—where does that put us? What’s it doing down here?”

  “Don’t you see?” said Ruby. “This must be how the dwarf and the giant managed to get on and off your estate without being noticed—how they disappeared when the birthday cake started exploding—and how they vanished after you saw the giant sneaking around your family’s estate the night of the Komodo dragon attack. There must be a hidden entrance above ground somewhere—among the trees, probably—on the other side of that steel door we came across. Yep, I’d bet anything: the tunnel we’re in now is none other than Overkill and Undercut’s secret passageway.”

  Arthur gulped. The dank cavern walls suddenly seemed even less agreeable, now that their sinister purpose had been revealed.

  “Where do you think the other entrance is?” Arthur asked, his voice dropping to a whisper.

  “I guess we’re going to find out.”

  “But should we really keep going forward—knowing what we know now? I mean, they could be down here at this very moment.”

  “What choice do we have? It’s our only way out. We’ll just have to be careful.”

  “I don’t think being careful is going to do us much good against a nine-foot-tall killer for hire—but I guess you’re right. We don’t really have a choice.”

  “That’s the spirit, Arthur. Now let’s get moving.”

  Cautiously creeping forward against the left side of the tunnel, the children proceeded into the dimly lit space ahead, expecting at any minute to be abruptly murdered by two exceptionally sized assassins.

  Thirty minutes later, however—after walking nearly a mile underground—Arthur and Ruby were pleased to find themselves still very much alive and completely unmurdered.

  In this happy and unexpected state, the children began to notice a subtle shift in the landscape overhead.

  “There’s something strange about the roots poking through the ceiling here, isn’t there?” Arthur observed. “They don’t look like the ones we’ve passed so far.”

  “Don’t seem quite real, do they? And if you look at them from just the right angle—they’re completely symmetrical.”

  “Sim-o-Trees,” declared Arthur.

  “Yep,” said Ruby. “It appears we’ve ventured onto the Goldwin estate—or beneath it, anyway. Can’t say I’m too surprised, really. Where else should the caverns of the underworld lead but into hell itself?”

  Arthur shuddered. “That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

  “You haven’t had to live there.”

  As the two turned a slight corner, they began to discern an ending to the string of bulbs that had served to light their path.

  Fifty yards hence, when they’d reached the lights’ termination point, it became clear that the path itself had come to an end as well. There before them stood a door. And not the steel type, like the one at the other end of the tunnel but a typical wooden one, like the sort that might be found marking the entrance to any ordinary house—except for the fact that it was nine feet tall. On the ground in front of the door was a slightly soiled decorative mat, embellished with little blue flowers and the words HOME SWEET HOME.

  “Rather quaint for the gates of hell, isn’t it?” Arthur remarked.

  “I’m guessing this is the back door.”

  “Hmm. Well, what do we do now?”

  “We hope the denizens of hell don’t keep their doors locked.”

  With that, Ruby turned the doorknob.

  Before the boy could protest, the door creaked open. Darkness spilled into the corridor.

  Ruby peered through the crack, then motioned to Arthur. “Come on,” she whispered.

  Doing his best to disregard the sinking feeling in his soul, Arthur took a deep breath—and followed Ruby through the door.

  • • •

  The children stood inside the doorway until their eyes had adjusted to the near-darkness, then proceeded down the short corridor in which they found themselves.

  They stopped at the end of the hallway and peered around the corner. Before them lay a large, sparsely decorated room, not unlike a soldier’s barracks—but decidedly less fragrant. The far wall contained the oddest bunk bed Arthur had ever seen. While the bottom bunk was barely bigger than a bassinet, the top bunk was the length of one-and-a-half king-sized mattresses. Arthur thought the beds to be occupied for a terrifying moment, but on second glance, he saw only tucked linens and vacant pillows.

  He continued to survey the darkened room as Ruby reached for something on the wall beside them—something, Arthur realized, resembling a light switch.

  “Wait—” he protested, a split second too late.

  A single light bulb twitched to life at the center of the ceiling.

  “Come on, Arthur,” Ruby said as she stepped into the room. “There’s nobody here.”

  Arthur peered one last time from left to right, then joined her in the chamber ahead.

  When he had confirmed beyond any doubt that the bunks were indeed empty, he relaxed and turned to Ruby. “So, it looks like Rex hasn’t just been employing Overkill and Undercut, but providing their lodgings as well—right below your house.”

  “Yeah,” said Ruby. She reached down and picked up a mismatched pair of shoes—one nearly two feet long and the other hardly four inches. “What better way to keep your own personal henchmen nearby than to house them in the basement?”

  “Lucky for us, they appear to be out at the moment. Let’s hope it gives us enough time to find a way out of here.”

  “Hold on,” said Ruby. “We can’t leave right away. Not until we find some clues to their identity or a way to link them to Rex. This might be the break we’ve been waiting for.” She held up her index finger. “I took the same oath that every junior detective takes—to honor my badge and to seek the truth wherever it is concealed—and I’m not about to break it now. Honestly, when are we going to get a chance like this again?”

  “Wait,” said Arthur in an injured tone, “when did you take an oath? Is there some reason I wasn’t asked to participate? I mean, I really would ha
ve liked—”

  “All right, so I might have just made up the Junior Detective’s Oath—but isn’t it the sort of thing we should be striving for?”

  “Oh,” said Arthur. “Well, yes—of course it is. But while we’re looking for clues, we really should be looking for an exit as well. There’s no telling when Overkill and Undercut might return—plus, my family will be leaving for the championships at any time now, and I don’t want them to miss the start of competition just because they’re off searching for me . . . not to mention the fact that my own event begins in just a few hours.”

  “Okay,” conceded Ruby. “If we find a way out, we’ll go. But in the meantime, I’m doing some investigating.”

  She walked to the nearest of the room’s three visible doors and pushed it open, then poked her head through the threshold. “En suite bathroom,” she noted. “Impressive. This is turning out to be quite the luxury basement dungeon, isn’t it?” She stepped inside and began calling out her findings. “Small sink. Medicine chest. Toilet. No windows or doors. I’m going in for a closer look. Maybe they’ve got matching toothbrushes with their actual initials on them or something.”

  “All right. Good luck with that,” Arthur called as he made his way to the large door in the corner. “I’ll check the next one.”

  He tried the knob. It did not turn.

  “Locked,” he called in a loud whisper.

  “Can we force it?” Ruby called back.

  “Feels pretty solid. Maybe there’s a key somewhere. Let me check the other door.”

  Arthur headed back toward the corridor through which they’d entered, then turned to his left and stopped in front of the room’s final door. As he grasped the handle, he was surprised to feel it turn freely in his hand.

  He pulled the door open.

  A giant clown lunged at him through the darkness.

  Arthur jumped backward. “Ahh!” he screamed.

  A cold hand wrapped around his mouth.

  “Shhh!” Ruby whispered coarsely in his ear. “Do you want the whole underworld to know we’re down here?”