“Oh, I’ve made bad choices, Grandma. Make no mistake. But I’ve tried to avoid some of the same blunders I watched my mother make over the years.” She had to accept responsibility for her bad judgment when it came to Rickie. But she planned to better her life by learning from the experience, as opposed to reliving the pattern via a repetitious string of men who were wrongly suited for her—as Mom did.
Grandma seemed to be in deep thought, a place she retreated to anytime there was mention of her mother.
“I want to study the Ordnung. I want to learn everything about living Amish. Maybe it would help me to get my mind right.”
“Lillian,” her grandma began, then paused. “Nothing would please me more. Please don’t take offense by what I am about to say . . .” She hesitated again.
“What, Grandma?” Lillian stopped stirring the eggs and turned completely around.
“Just do it for the right reasons.”
“You mean not for Samuel, but for myself ?”
“Ya.”
“I am. And I’m going to talk to Samuel and set things right with him as well. I want him to know I’m not interested in anything more than friendship with him and that there is no reason why we can’t get back on track with that.” And she meant it. She’d had a few days to realize that she needed to realign her proiorities. Lancaster County represented a new beginning. She wanted to get back to making the right choices.
“Well, hello there,” she said to David later that afternoon. “Hey, where’ve you been?” he asked. His tone indicated his feelings might be hurt.
“I’ve just been thinking about things,” she said as she followed him to the barn. “Whatcha doin’?”
He was carrying a cardboard box with a lid on it. “These are old newspapers I found in the other barn. They were getting wet, though, so I was moving ’em in here.”
“Are there any more? Want some help?” She eyed the box, thinking maybe she’d catch up on the history of Lancaster County when she had some spare time.
“That was the last box. There were three of them.” He pointed at two other boxes stacked nearby. “This barn stays dry. The other one has a few leaks. Pop says we’ll fix those one day for Jonas and Irma Rose.”
“Speaking of your pop, here he comes.” She watched as Samuel maneuvered Pete onto the dirt driveway. “David,” she said hesitantly. “Do you think it would be all right if I talked to your pop alone for a minute?”
“I think if it will make him stop being so sad, then ya.” David shrugged and turned to walk off.
“David, wait,” she said, realizing things didn’t seem the same between them. He turned around and faced her, and the look on his face confirmed her suspicions. “Things are just complicated sometimes, you know?”
He seemed to be thinking as he glanced up to see his pop getting nearer. “I reckon sometimes grown-ups make things complicated that needn’t be.”
“Ya,” she whispered as he walked off. “You’re probably right.”
Samuel was glad to see Lillian waiting for him in the front yard. He smiled with newfound confidence as he approached her. He had done a lot of soul-searching and prayed for answers over the past four days. He was creating problems that need not be there and worrying about things he shouldn’t. They’d discussed the terms of their friendship, and there was no reason they had to stray from that. Being attracted to Lillian didn’t mean he had to act on it.
“Hello, Samuel,” she said as he walked to where she was sitting in the grass.
“I tried to talk to you yesterday. I feel badly about speaking so harshly to you when I left the hospital.” He sat down in the grass beside her.
“I think I understand, and there are some things I want to clear up.” She paused, then started to wave her hand in front of her nose.
“What?” he asked as she edged away from him.
“You smell like you’ve been rolling in manure, Samuel Stoltzfus.” She crinkled her nose as he sniffed at himself, feeling highly embarrassed.
“I came straight from the fields spreading manure, and the wheels from the plow probably slung some my way.” He went to stand up, but she put a hand on his arm.
“No, sit down. I can take it.” She giggled, but quickly removed her hand. “I just wanted to tell you that I think maybe you have the wrong impression about something, and I want you to understand that—”
“No, Lillian. Me first,” he interrupted. “My chores aren’t the whole truth as to why I said I couldn’t come to supper. I’ve been worried that maybe you and me were moving in a direction that might not be right in God’s eyes. But I’ve prayed hard about it, and I think maybe it’s still His will for us to be friends.” There. He’d said it. Now, with the Good Lord’s help, he’d live the life God meant him to live and be the man he knew he should be.
“That’s exactly what I wanted to tell you.”
Samuel sighed with relief.
“Only, I have one more thing to tell you. I’m going to be studying the Ordnung. Grandma is planning to teach me everything about the Amish faith. And I just want to make it clear to you that I’m doing this for me, no other reason. I seem to have gotten sidetracked from my original plan when I came to Lancaster County: to find a sense of who I am and my role on this earth. I don’t understand about God, or having a relationship with Him. But I want to understand. And I prayed to God to let Grandpa live. And it worked.”
It worked? She wasn’t exactly fully on the road to becoming Amish, but she at least had a foot on the path. So instead of arguing that her motivation for prayer was still misdirected, he said, “I think that’s a fine idea.” Studying the Ordnung would be good for Lillian. And they seemed to be clearing the air about some things.
“What’s your pop and my Lilly have their heads together about?” Jonas asked David as he took a seat in the other rocker on the front porch.
“Not sure,” David said.
Jonas strained to have a better look. Lilly had been moping around ever since they came home from the hospital. He didn’t know what had happened, but he was hoping they’d fix whatever it was.
“I brought you boys some sweet tea,” Irma Rose said, walking onto the porch toting two glasses. She looked out toward Lillian and Samuel. “Nice to see them talking again,” she said as David attempted to get up and give her his seat. “Keep your seat,” she said, smiling. “I can see better standing up.”
“Pop’s seemed kinda down lately,” David said.
“Well, our Lilly has been in a baremlich mood too.” Jonas shook his head.
“Definitely not herself lately.” Irma Rose sat down on the porch step.
“They’ll both be better now,” David said. “They just have to get things uncomplicated.”
“What do you mean, David?” Jonas asked him, curious where the boy’s mind was.
“Lillian said her world was complicated. And by coming here, she’s complicated my pop’s world. She didn’t mean to. It just happened.” The boy shook his head and frowned. “They’re both just making things complicated for themselves, and they needn’t be. It’s all real clear to me.”
“What’s clear?” Irma Rose asked.
The boy took a sip of his tea and said proudly, “She’s my new mamm. Her and Pop just haven’t figured it out yet.”
Jonas knew his eyes were bugging out of his head. But he also knew a person wouldn’t have to look far to find eyes gaping even larger than his own. You could’ve mistaken Irma Rose for an owl. She sat motionless, eyes bulging, speechless.
“Take a deep breath, Irma Rose,” Jonas said, hoping his wife wouldn’t say too much to the boy. He had to agree with David. Samuel and Lilly were making things too complicated. One day at a time. Once Lilly completed her studies of the Ordnung, there was no telling what the Good Lord might have in mind for them. But if they took to courting, it would be a long road to travel. He hoped they both survived the trip in one piece. He hoped Irma Rose would survive it. The woman was looking a tad pale.
/> “Well, David, stranger things have happened. I’m sure God will guide both your pop and our Lilly in the right direction,” Jonas said as he reached over and patted poor Irma Rose on the hand.
David smiled. “He already has.”
9
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE IS NO EQUALITY OF THE sexes?” Lillian asked Grandma the next morning as they began to tackle the Ordnung.
“It’s very clear in the Bible, Lillian.” Grandma dried another plate and handed it to Lillian to put in the cabinet.
“It actually says in the Bible that women are to be subservient to men?”
Grandma looked confused, and Lillian realized she didn’t understand the question. “The women serve the men, so to speak?” she translated.
“‘He is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man,’ ” Grandma said with pride. “‘For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.’ ”
Lillian sat down at the kitchen table, pondering the biblical reference. “I might have some trouble with this one, Grandma. Relationships should be an equal partnership.” She shook her head. “I’ve noticed the way the Amish women always sit in the back, eat last, and wait on the men hand and foot.”
“We are proud to do so. We don’t question the Bible.” Grandma placed another plate in the cabinet and took a seat at the kitchen table across from Lillian. “It is our job to care for our husbands, the children, and the home.”
“I understand that, and that part is fine. But to say there is no equality just doesn’t seem right.”
“The man is the ruler of the home.”
Lillian chuckled. “Now Grandma, you seem to have a pretty strong thumb on Grandpa.”
Playfully Grandma said, “Ya, but Grandpa doesn’t know that.” She paused. “But in our early years, things were different. And I’m still proud to do for your Grandpa, even in his silliness.”
“When I get married, my husband is going to have a clear understanding that we are entering into a union as equals.”
“Ya, as long as you don’t marry an Amish man,” Grandma said, tilting her chin upward. “To marry an Amish man, you would say in your vows that the man is the head of the household and that you are his helpmate.”
“Who made this rule?”
Grandma seemed taken aback. “Why, God, of course. We don’t question the Bible, Lillian. Let’s move along.”
Lillian was still wrestling with the literal interpretation of this particular Bible reference when Grandma continued, “The two most important things to understand are our rejection of hochmut, which is pride and arrogance, and that we are not forward, self-promoting, or assertive. We let things be.”
Grandma folded her hands together and sat up a little straighter. “For example,” she pressed on. “It is perfectly fine for us to ride in automobiles. But to own such a means of transportation would be arrogant and prideful. There are so many different kinds of cars. All the choices of price, color, and accessories could cause us to be competitive—which would be a breeding ground for arrogance and pride. We have to watch our young folks when they go through their rumschpringe. Many times they add radios in the buggies or opt to install flashy trinkets, which distinguishes one from the other. That is not acceptable in our way of life.”
“Okay,” Lillian answered softly, realizing Grandma was enjoying her role as teacher. However, this topic was clearly nonnegotiable.
“And when I say we let things be,” she added, “that means we accept all things as being God’s will. The Englisch often mistake our passiveness as not caring. That’s not true. We do care. But we believe God will resolve a situation in a way that’s best for all concerned.”
As if checking items off on a mental list of things to teach Lillian, Grandma continued. “Our children become adults when they are baptized and make a lifetime vow of obedience to the Ordnung.”
“How is the Ordnung different from the Bible?” Lillian didn’t know a lot about the Bible. But at least the Bible was a book that could be studied. So much of the Ordnung was unwritten.
“Let me see how I can explain this so you will understand,” Grandma pondered, pausing. “You really can’t compare the Ordnung to the Bible, Lillian. We believe in literal interpretation of the Bible. Meaning we don’t question it. That belief is part of the Ordnung, which is our governing system. The Ordnung is a means of making sure we all live by the Scriptures in the Bible.”
“Shouldn’t all the rules be written down for people to study and to prevent misinterpretations?” You’d think over the many years someone would have done that.
“The Ordnung varies from district to district. Governance is local.”
“So why aren’t the rules for the Ordnung in this district written down and studied?” Lillian had spent the better part of her life studying written texts, all the way through college. She’d made a career out of teaching others to do the same.
“We just know them,” Grandma answered. “We begin learning the order of conduct in the Ordnung at a young age. It’s passed down from generation to generation.”
Seeing there was no hope for a written study guide, a practical question popped into Lillian’s head. She knew the rule but hoped it could be bent. “Grandma, I don’t understand why we can’t cut our hair. It seems to me that as busy as we are, it would be a lot easier to manage, and—”
Grandma vigorously shook her head; it appeared that there was no questioning this rule. “No, no, no, Lillian. ‘But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.’ This is in Corinthians, Lillian. We do not cut our hair.”
Grandma abruptly jumped up. “I have something for you, Lillian. Wait here.”
It was a couple of minutes before she returned from upstairs. Rejoining Lillian at the table, she handed her a black book. “Is this for me to keep?” Lillian asked. She’d never owned a Bible.
“It is. And you’ll notice an inscription inside from me and your grandpa.” Bouncing back in time, she said, “I bought it when you were born.”
Lillian read the inscription: This Holy Bible presented to Lillian Miller by Mammi and Daadi.
“I’ve dreamed about this day.” Grandma’s eyes grew moist. “I’d hoped that maybe someday you’d come callin’ for the Lord. I’d meant to give it to you when you were here last. You were young, but I meant to send it after you left.” She shook her head. “And I forgot.”
“Thank you, Grandma.” Holding the book gave Lillian an unfamiliar sense of hope.
“You seem to need words to study,” Grandma offered. “Study the Bible, Lillian. It is the contents of this book that we live by. To understand the Ordnung, you must first understand God’s Word.”
“I will, Grandma.” She blinked back her own emotions.
The lesson continued for the rest of the morning while they baked extra loaves of bread for a sick friend of Grandma’s. With a full plate of her own, Grandma never complained and always volunteered to help those around her.
For the next several weeks, Samuel and David ate supper once a week with Lillian, Irma Rose, and sometimes Jonas, when he was well enough. Lillian always cooked, and much of the menu came from Samuel’s garden. It was the highlight of Lillian’s week. Finally, she had a family. A real family. David and Samuel had become as much a part of her little group as Jonas and Irma Rose.
“How are your studies of the Ordnung coming along?” Samuel asked one evening after supper.
Lillian handed him and David each a piece of shoofly pie. “It’s a lot to learn, but I’m getting there. It’s hard because so much of the Ordnung isn’t written down. Everyone here starts learning at such a young age and I guess it just sticks. I’m trying to absorb and store all the information as best I can.”
She thought it best not to mention her constant questioning of their ways. Grandma spent much of their morning sessions exasperated by Lillian’s inability to just ac
cept complete obedience to God’s will without all the questions. But with strained patience, Grandma continued to instruct her daily about the code of conduct they all lived by. She realized how hopeful Grandma was that she’d choose their ways.
“She’s a fast learner,” Grandma said, placing a piece of pie on a plate. “I’m going to take this upstairs to Jonas.”
After waiting until Grandma was out of earshot, Samuel asked, “How is Jonas? I noticed he hasn’t been at supper the past two weeks.”
“I don’t think he’s doing so well,” she said, taking a seat on the bench beside David and across from Samuel. “He’s been in bed a lot during the day too. It’s hard on Grandma. I’ve offered to help her with Grandpa, but she insists on taking care of him all by herself.”
“Men are funny about things. Maybe Jonas wouldn’t be comfortable with you tending to him,” Samuel said.
“Well, he’s going to have to get over that, or I’m afraid Grandma’s going to just wear herself out.”
“Ya, it’s hard when you’re a caregiver.”
“You took real good care of my mamm,” David said to Samuel.
“I did the best I could.”
Samuel often looked uncomfortable at the mention of Rachel. Lillian sure wanted to know what the woman looked like and more about her. But she’d never know. Samuel offered up little information about Rachel and she’d learned the second commandment forbid photos: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
She had been studying. And putting on her Amish attire had become as natural as brushing her teeth in the morning. But to go without any pictures the rest of your life . . . That particular rule, like several others, seemed to take things too literally. But literal interpretation of the Bible was the Amish way. There was no picking and choosing of the rules.
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