by Lena Skye
I sighed, “Now I just have to move on.”
My phone started buzzing. It was a message from Kenneth asking to meet up later. This should be interesting.
#Chapter6
“I don’t ever want you to think that I don’t care about you”
Kenneth
I gave myself a pep talk in the car.
I told myself that I would go into the bar and be cordial. I wouldn’t argue, demean, or cry. I entered the bar to meet Kenneth, and I really didn’t know what to think. Patrice and Nicole insisted that I go for ‘closure’. I didn’t know if that was such a good idea, but I figured that it was a great time to go while I was still numb. That way I wouldn’t be overly emotional, and I could talk everything out rationally.
We ended our relationship abruptly, and it was time that we put a lot of the unspoken things between us to rest. He was sitting at one of the lounge tables, and I took the seat across from him. He stood up so that we could hug, but I pretended that I didn’t notice. I didn’t want to feel his body pressed against mine because the familiarity of it all would probably cause me to come crashing down. He awkwardly sat back down with a look of confusion.
“Hey Nikki,” he said with a nervous smile.
“Hi,” I responded.
“It’s good to see you, it’s been a while.”
I gave a small nod and smiled at him, and my smile disappeared quickly. I looked at him in anticipation; I wanted to know why he invited me out.
“Okay,” he said as he ran his fingers through his silky hair. He looked flustered, and I almost laughed because he was hardly ever at a loss for words.
“What’s up,” I asked giving him an opening.
“I know that you already know everything at this point. I didn’t invite you to the party for that very reason. I didn’t want to rub my engagement in your face, and I also wanted to tell you beforehand but you never answered your phone. I did not want you to find out that way.”
Everything about that moment felt surreal. It was as if my body had been taken over by a ‘Visitor’, and I was just casually looking at our exchange. Was this really happening to me and how was I staying so calm?
“I also asked you here to tell you that I forgive you for cheating on me. I’m not upset with you about it anymore, and I can see how you would do it. Especially when you thought that I had betrayed you.”
I shook my head quickly, “No, no. I never cheated on you. I was telling you the truth about that night. Desmond came over to comfort me, and while I do admit that his intentions weren’t pure, I didn’t cross the line.”
I looked at him, and he had a shocked expression on his face, “Wow, it’s funny how things work out.”
I nodded my head and continued, “I found out that you never cheated on me from Loren. I spoke to her, and she told me the truth about everything. I had forgiven you after that, and I was waiting on you to come home to tell you. But you stayed away a lot longer than I thought you would, and you didn’t return any of my calls.”
He still looked as if he was in a state of shock, “W-well, I was still upset with you and I wasn’t sure if you were calling to chew me out. I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore. I was really upset by it all Nikki.”
“I understand that,” I said, “And you seem happy now so I guess it all worked out.”
Yes a visitor had definitely taken over my body. I didn’t know where this new rational being was coming from but I was even making myself nervous. I thought to myself that maybe I needed to see a shrink, because this couldn’t be healthy.
“I really believe that it did. Amanda means so much to me. She’s a really nice girl, and she just gets me. Things happened pretty quickly, but we clicked immediately, and I haven’t been happier. It feels good to be in something stable now.”
I winced slightly on the inside from hearing that. How could he say that he’s never been happier? It was as if our last 3 years together meant nothing to him. I should have ranted and screamed at him, but I kept a neutral face as he continued to talk.
“Amanda’s dad gave me one of the biggest contracts of my life,” he said excitedly, “I thought that I’d hit it huge here, but that’s nothing compared to what I have going on now. The beauty of it is that I can do them both. I may have to hire someone under me, but that’s easy.”
“So it was just a coincidence that you fell in love with his daughter?” I asked.
“Yeah actually, it was. Her father is really no nonsense and he wanted me to prove that I was serious about her, and so I did the one thing that I could to prove it. I can’t blame him for being so protective over his daughter because I know that I would feel the same way about my own. I didn’t mind taking the leap because proposing to her felt right, and I’m really happy,” he said.
“Yeah and probably because he would pull that fat contract if you did not propose” I snickered.
His face frowned at what I was implying, but I didn’t care.
“No, it didn’t have anything to do with that,” he said defensively, “I love her, and I wanted to not just put her father at ease, but I wanted to put her at ease too. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her and so it was no point in dragging out the process.”
He said it so convincingly that I almost believed him. If his accounting career went bust for him, maybe he could have taken up a career in acting.
“Alright,” I digressed. I wasn’t in a position to have a debate with him about his real feelings. I had no clue about how he really felt.
“I don’t ever want you to think that I don’t care about you. You still mean a lot to me Nikki, and I know that being in the same city again is going to be a little difficult, but we can get through it. You have to admit that we’re just not good for each other. We’ve had so many break ups and conflict, and that’s no way to live,” he said.
“You’re right about that,” I said in agreement, “It’s something that I’ve given a lot of thought to, and I can’t argue with you on that point. We’ve been through a lot of storms, and many of them have been unnecessary. Maybe were just toxic for each other.”
He gave a sad nod, “I really, really hope that we can still be friends.”
“Of course,” I said a little too quickly as I sipped my water.
I knew deep down that we couldn’t be friends. The truth is that we’d always been so much more than that. Being his friend would only cut me to my core, and it would never allow my numb heart to heal. He seemed to be a lot more mature during our conversation, and it was nice to see him so passionate about someone. It was unfortunate that the person wasn’t me; maybe Amanda had truly tamed him. It was something that I could never do.
#Chapter7
“Close but no cigar babe.”
Desmond
I wish that I could say that I got through the remainder of the previous night unscathed but I didn't.
After I got home, I cried. I’m not ashamed because I dealt with my feelings. Sometimes women feel the need to bottle them up and hide them because we don’t want to appear weak. Nothing is worse than having your emotions sneak up on you and clothesline you, especially while out in public.
In high school that happened to me, I refused to admit that Gregory hurt me when he dated my friend during my junior year of high school. I even lied and told them that I was okay with it. Sure he’d been my boyfriend for a year prior to that but I didn’t own him. We were over and to prove it, I pretended like I was okay with him sucking face with my friend in front of everyone. Well one day while we were leaving a football game, him and my friend were sitting in the seat in front of me on the school bus. They made out on that bus right in front of me and all of my feelings boiled over. Tears started to fall and the next thing you know, I was hitting him on the top of the head with my trapper keeper. I don’t regret hitting him, I just wished that I was a lot more honest with myself, and then the public embarrassment could have been avoided. I guess I seem to have always been unlucky in l
ove. It is times like this where I wonder if there is something wrong with me personally which always makes relationships end in drama.
I woke up with puffy eyes and I cursed loudly because I could feel how swollen my face was. I hopped out of bed and went to start my beauty regimen. Hopefully I could get my eyes down within the next couple of hours because I never knew what my days were going to bring. I loved my shades, but I couldn’t wear them everywhere, or I would look like a bitchy diva.
I saw my face in the mirror, and I groaned. My resolve strengthened, I would still allow myself to feel things as they came, but I wasn’t going to let him get me back to this point. I was too damned pretty to look so damned bad. I started laughing at my thoughts and shook my head. I was so over all of the bullshit. I deserved so much better, and if he wanted to get married to someone else, then so be it. They always say; if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. I was sure that I was giving God the comedic show of his life.
I went to my phone and saw that Desmond sent me a message. He was asking for a date once again, and he had perfect timing. I was finally going to take him up on his offer because I had no reason not to. I was grateful that he was persistent because I was attracted to him. I liked feeling wanted, and now I really needed my cold gel to work magic on my eyes. I couldn’t go out looking like I was having an allergic reaction to shellfish. I was very excited to go on a date I really should have gone on 3 months ago. Better late then never I guess!
*
Desmond did everything the way that a real gentleman should.
He picked me up and refused to let me meet him at the bowling alley. I thought that we would have gone to dinner, but he insisted that we’d had more than enough dinners together. He wanted me to let loose and have fun. I understood where he was coming from because we’d had a countless amount of lunches and dinner together. It was no longer considered special between us. It was where we ate and discussed business.
“I can’t believe you finally took me up on my offer,” he said in disbelief as we entered the building.
“Why not?” I asked.
“I’ve been asking you out for so long. I figured that you didn’t like me,” he said with a laugh.
I looked him over from head to toe. He looked scrumptious. His chocolate skin and beautiful dimples did things to me that I couldn’t describe. He wore a basic black screen V neck t-shirt with his brand’s logo on it. All of his muscles were pronounced, and his arms bulged from the short sleeves.
“Oh, so you do like me,” he said as he flexed his muscles.
If I had fair skin I would have been red all over. I couldn’t believe that he caught me blatantly staring at him.
“I may like you a little,” I said.
“I’m glad that you do. I’ve been waiting on this date for what feels like forever,” he said.
We went and got our shoes and headed for our lane. It felt great to be able to let loose for a few hours, talk major shit, and just enjoy myself. I spent so much time working and wallowing in my misery that I hadn’t made any time to just enjoy myself. We enjoyed some drinks, and he whipped my ass in bowling.
“You aren’t going to let me win?” I asked during the third game.
“Oh no, you’ve got to earn it,” he said.
I gave a fake pout as I walked to bowl my next set. I threw the ball and watched as it quickly made its way to the gutter. He laughed at me, and I gave him a scowl as I waited for my ball to come back. Once it emerged I walked to the lane again, and held my breath as I released the ball. It looked like I was about to get a strike, but I was disappointed with a split.
“Close but no cigar babe,” he said as he kissed me on the forehead.
His lips against my skin sent sparks throughout my entire body. It was then that I realized just how long it had been since I had sex. I looked at him in the eyes, and I could see that he was revved up as well. There was something about competition that got the juices flowing. I shook it off because I wasn’t ready to go there with him or anybody else yet.
“Yeah I guess I can’t win em’ all,” I said.
“Well you haven’t won any,” he laughed.
“You know what I meant,” I responded as I playfully slapped him on the arm. Damn, he was solid.
We finished our game and made our way to the bar inside of the place.
“I’m really glad that you’re here with me today,” he said as he took a sip of his rum and coke.
“I’m glad that I’m here with you too, I appreciate you being patient with me. That played a huge part in me agreeing to come tonight,” I said.
“I’m willing to work and wait for what I want. You know that about me already. The same drive and passion that I put into my career, I put into my relationships.”
“That’s good to know. Usually one or the other suffers in most cases.”
“Not with me,” he said with intensity.
I closed my eyes and shook my head from side to side. I couldn’t believe that I was out with someone and that he was having that effect on me. I was deliciously drowning in his words, and I felt like I understand where Kenneth was coming from. Some things just feel right, and if you let them happen, you’ll see how great they can be. Everything doesn’t have to be a battle. Sometimes we get so used to struggle that we forget that life doesn’t have to be that way.
“I think that I’m looking forward to figuring how that can be,” I responded as I looked him in the eyes.
He broke out into a huge smile, “That’s what I like to hear. I’ve finally broken you down.”
“You still have a lot of work to do,” I said.
“It’s a good thing that I’m no stranger to hard work, and I don’t mind working for what I want.”
“Why do you even want me? I mean there are a lot of women around Atlanta that are beautiful, single, and without baggage,” I said.
He laughed, “You have no idea do you?”
“What?”
“You don’t know just how special and rare you are.”
I cocked my head to the side and gave him a ‘don’t bullshit me’ look, “Come on now, you don’t have to lie.”
“Seriously, Nicole, You’re beautiful, you’re driven, you’re funny, you are no nonsense, you’re business savvy, and so many other things. Trust me there aren’t a lot of women like that.”
I quieted and went into deep thought about what he said. I really didn’t feel like a catch.
“But I’m fat,” I said absentmindedly.
“You’re crazy girl,” he responded.
“Seriously, you can’t tell me that you haven’t noticed my weight gain,” I said.
“Oh yeah, I’ve noticed and trust me, it’s in all of the right places,” he wiggled his eyebrows and drained his glass.
I giggled and drank my long island. He made me rethink my weight gain as being a negative thing. It was true that most of my weight had gone straight to my hips and butt. I didn’t really like it because I wasn’t used to seeing myself that way, and it made my clothes fit differently. There is nothing wrong with being a BBBW. Big and Beautiful Black Woman that is.
“Ready for another drink?” I asked.
“No, I’ll be drinking water for the rest of the night because I want to be able to get you home safely. Feel free to get another if you like.”
“It’s no fun drinking by myself unless I’m by myself,” I said.
“Well then water it is.”
*
Another day another event and I was just grateful that Kenneth wasn’t there. I was moving on, but I didn’t need to see him so soon after our conversation. But instead I was enjoying champagne with my friends and with other people in the fashion industry. I tried to shake the feeling that everyone was looking at me, but the truth is that many of them were. They knew about Kenneth’s engagement and they knew that it probably had hurt me.
“So I talked to Desmond this morning,” Jasmine said coyly.
“And your point?” I a
sked.
“Don’t try to ask slow,” Patrice said.
“Okay, yes we went on a date a few days ago,” I said.
“It must have gone really well because it was all that he could talk about,” Jasmine said which caused me to blush.
“So what happened on this date?” she inquired.
“Nothing sexual happened; we just enjoyed each other’s company. It was nice to be able to just have fun and enjoy myself. He’s a really nice guy.”
“So what happened with Kenneth?” Patrice asked in a low voice.
I filled them in on the conversation that we had, and they both listened intently. We completely forgot about the fact that we were supposed to be networking. We were talking in a huddle, and it was clear that we weren’t to be disturbed. Luckily the crowd picked up on our body language, and they left us alone.
