by J. Dorothy
The case is still being kept under wraps. I am not allowed to talk about it, with anyone, hence talking to a police shrink, rather than someone who is out of the loop.
At least I can sleep safe at night now. Knowing Jason is locked up good and proper, with little chance of getting out of prison any time soon. With my testimony and Travis, he doesn't have anywhere to hide. He's been trying to negotiate a deal, with all the evidence he has on other gang leaders in Chicago, but Detective Saunders doesn't think that will help him much. Might reduce his sentence by a few years, but when he's probably going away for twenty, that doesn't mean much. I just pray every night, he never sees the light of freedom.
I blow out a big breath and whip my mixture. I'm back working at the bakery. I need to keep busy and even though Treasure Pot is due in the next four weeks, I couldn't even contemplate the thought of sitting around and waiting, like Bailey's dad keeps encouraging. I think he'd wrap me in cotton wool if he could. But sitting and waiting leads to thinking, and I like to keep busy and fill my mind with mundane things like recipes and baking.
Today I'm messing with a new chocolate mix. This cake is really important and I want it to look spectacular. I even have gold leaf to make some cute little hearts. I'm sure it'll do the trick. I'm sure Bailey and Cam will love it.
Tonight's their engagement party, and I'm in charge of the cake and the canapés. Cam kind of got freaked out after what happened to Bailey, and decided to pop the question. I know he was nervous after what happened last time he asked her. She skipped town for two years. I promised him that wouldn't happen this time, even if I had to sit on her and hold her down. And with my weight at the moment, she wouldn't be going anywhere. Luckily that wasn't necessary, she gave him the answer he wanted and they couldn't be happier.
I sigh and smile. They are such a great couple. I want tonight to be amazing for them, they deserve it.
I hear the door open and Mrs Winters pokes her head through the gap. “Dear, there's someone here to see you.” She gives me a reassuring smile.
Mrs Winters doesn't know what went on, but she knows I've been through some hard times, so she doesn't allow anyone back here to see me without asking first.
I frown. I'm not expecting anyone, and I'm not really comfortable with surprise visits.
She must sense my hesitation, as she smiles again, saying, “It's okay. I think you might like to see this visitor.”
I frown deeper, and then the door swings open, and Tanning is standing there.
Oh, god. I've buried those feelings down really deep. I couldn't handle that, as well as everything else, but seeing him just brings them all to the surface and my heart starts to race. He looks so damn good. I'd almost forgotten how good. He's dressed in my favorite light blue shirt with denim jeans. His hair is longer than last time I saw him, and all I can think if how I want to run my hands through it and pull him close to me. To feel his arms around me again. To feel safe. Safe like I haven't felt in so long. He doesn't know anything. He can't know. And I'm not sure if I ever want him to know. We are over. Finished. That thought stabs at my heart, and I swallow trying to stop from choking out a sob.
Mrs Winters disappears, and he's just standing there. I'm frozen. I can't move. I have no idea what he wants, or why he's here. I never thought he'd speak to me again.
He gives me an intense stare, then looks away and rubs at the back of his head. I lick my lips and clench hold of the spoon and bowl I'm still holding.
“I ... ah... I ... um ... just came to see if ...”
I swallow again, he's obviously struggling to speak, but I have no voice to help him out. I blink and wait for him to continue.
He lets out a big sigh. “To um ... just check with you, if it's alright, if I come tonight. To Bailey and Cam's party. They invited me, but I knew you'd be there, and I um ...”
I bite my lip and give him a small nod. I'm struggling here. Struggling to see him again. Struggling to not throw this mixture in the sink and wrap myself in his arms and ask him to forgive me. To give me another chance. I still love him. So much. So much it hurts.
I can feel the tears burning, but I keep them away.
He looks at me again, with those gorgeous green eyes taking me in, and I nearly melt to the floor. Then he frowns and I see his eyes scan my face. Shit. I didn't put my make up on today. I didn't expect to see anyone. The cut on my cheek has healed but there is still a large scar there, that will probably never go away. The cut was really deep, even though Travis tried to keep the injury to a minimum. Hunting knives are insanely sharp apparently, and he didn’t have much choice.
I bend my head down to my mixture and turn my head slightly so he can't see it. I can't stand having Tanning see that and I know I have to say something. “Sure. No ... um problem,” I manage to blurt out and start mixing again.
I hear him sigh. “Okay. So I guess, I'll see you tonight. Is um ... is Travis coming?” he bites out his name, like it's a dirty word, and I can't help but look at him again, making sure to only raise my eyes, and not my head.
“No,” is my quiet reply. There can be no elaboration on that answer.
He doesn't respond, just nods and then turns to leave, and I take a breath. I don't think I've been breathing this whole time. I close my eyes, and I can feel the tears leaking down my face.
Bailey mentioned they'd invited him, I never thought he'd show. I quickly wipe my eyes. Then open them, expecting to see an empty doorway where he once was, except he's still standing there, his arms crossed, his beautiful green eyes trained on me, like he doesn't intend leaving anytime soon.
Oh holy crap!
THiRTY-oNe
_________________________
Oh holy crap, is my last thought as a sharp pain radiates its way through my stomach, and I drop the bowl and spoon on the bench and clench my arms to my abdomen.
God damn it, that hurts.
Tanning is at my side in an instant as my legs give way, and I collapse on the floor.
No, it's too soon. Too soon Treasure Pot. Please not yet.
My breathing is labored and my heart is racing and pounding in my ears. Tanning is here beside me speaking in a soothing tone, saying words I can't really decipher as another sharp pain shoots from my stomach down my legs. I let out a groan. Then I feel a gush of liquid racing down my legs. Oh crap, my water must have broken.
I let out another groan as another pain stabs at my stomach, and my muscles clench in response.
I don't think Treasure Pot is listening or waiting.
I grab hold of Tanning's arm. “Get an ambulance. I think I'm having the baby.” I groan as another pain shoots through me once more.
I've been to classes, and I really thought this would be a slow process, with time in between contractions, but these are coming hard and fast. I know there isn't much time. I won't make it to Forest hospital, but I don't want to have this baby in the back of the bakery, away from medical help.
Mrs Winters appears and crouches next to me. She places her hand on my sweating forehead. “Jenny, listen to me. How far apart are the contractions.”
I scream this time as another stabbing pain hits me, and I want to push so bad. Anything to stop this murderous agony.
Shit I'm not ready for this, it's not suppose to be happening yet.
“I don't know, every minute I guess,” I manage to breathe out.
She pats my arm. “We've sent for help. Tanning has gone to get the doctor. You won't make it to the hospital. This baby is coming and coming soon. Just breathe, and stay with me, okay.”
I bite down on my lip and latch onto her arm real tight, trying to breathe through the contractions, but god it hurts.
“Don't push, Jenny, just breathe, till the doctor gets here, alright.”
I try and focus on her voice, but it's tough I just want to clench down on my stomach muscles and push with all my might.
Then a strange voice is speaking, and I feel warm arms around the back of me. Tanning's arms. I
'm so glad he's here. I need him more than ever.
“Jenny, its Doctor Carter,” I nod. I know him, he is in the same clinic as my regular doctor.
“We need to sit you up a bit and position you, so I can see how much you're dilated, okay.”
I nod, and bite down on my lip again, and taste the blood as another contraction hits me. This is no time to be prudish, and to be honest I don't care. I just want him to help me and Treasure Pot.
Tanning is breathing heavy behind me, and I feel him stroke his fingers over my forehead, pushing the wet hair from my face.
The doctor positions himself between my knees and bends my legs, I can feel my underwear being taken away as the contractions keep coming and the pain is excruciating, like I'm being torn in two. Jesus, whoever said childbirth is a natural, beautiful process is a god-damn sadist. I wouldn't put my worst enemy through this.
I scream out again as yet another sharp stabbing pain rips through me.
“Okay, Jenny, I can see the baby's head, you are going to have to push, when I say, okay.”
I nod and Tanning grabs both of my hands and I squeeze tight, my nails must be stabbing into him, but I don't care. He coos, in my ear, “Come on Sweet Cheeks, you can do this.”
I nod again, and then I'm pushing with all my might, as my body is stretched to its limits and it feels like every muscle and skin in my lower regions is being torn from me.
“Okay, one more push, mommy,” Doctor Carter shouts, and I obey, even though I want to die right now.
Then the pain fades into a throbbing, dull ache, and I hear the sweetest most innocent sound in the entire world. My baby's cry. Oh god, tears aren't enough to show how much this moment means to me. My Treasure Pot. I get to meet him.
Then a small wrapped up bundle is being placed in my arms and the tears fall, leaking down my face and neck. He is so beautiful. I touch each of his tiny fingers and look into his glorious face. He's perfect. So perfect. I continue touching his nose, and his lips and trail my finger down his beautiful neck and onto his beautiful stomach. I need to check every inch of his smooth skin. To see and love every part of him. The cord is still attached, the doctor must be giving me this moment. He's still covered in some blood, but I don't care, I just want to hold him forever.
Mrs Winters, kisses my forehead. “Oh darling, you did so well, she's so beautiful.”
She?
I frown a little and I hear a chuckle, and turn my head to look into Tanning's smiling eyes, and glorious face.
“Hey, so I guess he's a girl, “ he says, and kisses my forehead. God that is the best feeling. To have Tanning so close to me and my baby girl.
After all I've been through, I couldn't ask for more right now.
This is just so perfect.
THiRTY-TWo
_________________________
Felicity Sarah Jameison.
I keep saying her name over and over again. I've loved that name forever. Now I get to give it to my beautiful baby girl. And boy is she beautiful. I can't stop holding and loving her. She is the most precious thing in my world.
I've been here for the past two days. After giving birth in the bakery the ambulance finally brought me to Forest Hospital. Amazingly everything went well, and both me and the baby were deemed perfectly fine by the incredible medical staff, who have been nothing but awesome.
And then there's Tanning. Talk about awesome, he's been unbelievable. He hasn't really left my side since the birth. We haven't talked about our past, he's just been there for me, no questions asked. And I'm so grateful. I don't think I could have got through it without his support. I know he will have questions eventually. I've caught him eying the scar on my cheek more than once, but he hasn't asked about Travis.
Travis.
Bailey text him, to tell him about the baby. I haven't spoken to him yet. I'm not really sure what part he wants to play, or if he wants to play any part. We never really had that conversation. Too much got in the way. Now I guess I can't continue to avoid it. I will have to talk to him. The thought of Felicity spending her weekends, or any time away from me, sets my nerves on edge. I don't want her out of my sight. Not now, not ever.
I finish feeding her, and she closes her pretty little blue eyes. I sweep the little lock of golden colored hair away from her gorgeous face and breathe in her scent. Then I bend down and kiss her eyelids. She stirs a little and makes a gurgling sound, but doesn't wake. I could watch her forever. Such a perfect angel. I love her so much.
Bailey and Cam, keep asking if I've told my parents yet. I haven't. After what my Dad did and my Mom disowning me, they don't really deserve to know. That's what the bad Jenny keeps telling me, but the good Jenny, who's been more of presence lately, keeps whispering, they are Felicity's grandparents and should be told. She deserves to know them, even if they don't deserve to know her.
Stupid, logical, good, Jenny. I know she'll win out.
The door opens, and I look up to see Tanning. He went home for a shower for the first time today. I insisted, hinting his body odor might become a health hazard, or he never would have left. He looks so good. Dressed in light denim jeans, and a black t-shirt. His hair tousled, still looking a bit wet. His green eyes twinkle with delight as he looks to see Felicity in my arms.
“Hey there,” he says as he strolls over to the chair I'm sitting in.
“Hey, yourself. You were quick.”
“At least I won't be put into quarantine by the nurses now.” He laughs.
I inhale as he comes closer. Oh god, he's wearing that cologne that sets my heart racing. I want to sniff again, to breathe him in, but refrain. We have been doing well, and I don't want to scare him off. So I distract those thoughts by looking at my gorgeous baby girl and smile at her.
“You make a beautiful picture, Jen,” Tanning says as he takes a seat beside us. “Do you want me to put her in her crib?”
I don't. I want to keep her in my arms, but I know Tanning likes holding her, so I nod and smile as I pass her to him.
Seeing my baby girl in his arms, makes me happy. And makes me hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, we can rekindle our relationship. Repair the damage. Possibly start over.
Tanning takes Felicity, his warm eyes smiling as he cuddles her close and takes her to the gorgeous crib he brought us, where he puts her down gently and tucks her in tight. She gives a slight jolt, and he pats her and coos something I can't hear, and she lets out a little sigh and lays peaceful. Tanning continues to look at her, and my heart is exploding. That is the most beautiful sight, seeing Tanning bonding with my baby. If a stranger walked in now, they would think he was the father. And I wish he was. I've wished that since I first met him. And now with all he's done for me and how attentive he's been, I wish that even more.
He gives her one last soft pat and makes his way over to me. We haven't really had a moment alone, like this, and I'm wondering what to say now. I'm wondering if he'll ask the questions that must be plaguing him.
He gives me a quick smile and takes a seat, his eyes never leaving mine. Then as I predicted his eyes drift to my scar. I'm sitting near the window, the light pouring in, so I'm betting he's getting a really good view of it. I have nowhere to hide.
He swallows, and I see the question in his eyes, before he asks it. “So ... I um ... was wondering...”
My cell vibrates saving the day. Thank god. I honestly have no clue what to say to him. There is so much he's not allowed to know, and I don't want to lie to Tanning anymore. He deserves better than that.
I sigh, taking my eyes from Tanning and pick up the phone. I don't recognize the number, but I answer anyway, “Hello.”
“Jen, it's um ... Travis.”
Holy hell, he has the crappiest timing.
I flick my eyes to look at Tanning, to find him staring at me. I bite my lip and look down at my slippers. “Oh, hi.”
“So ...” He clears his throat, “We have a baby girl?”
“Yeah, we do.”
I hear Ta
nning shifting in his seat, but I don't dare give him eye contact.
“I want to see her, Jen.”
I close my eyes as my heart races. I don't want to face this. I knew I'd have to, but I really don't want to burst the bubble I've been in over the past two days. Why can't I float away in that bubble, high in the sky where no one can burst it, ever.
“Okay, maybe in the next few days,” I whisper.
“Jen, I'm here. At the hospital. I'm downstairs in reception.”
Shit.
I bite my lip harder, and I hear Tanning blow out a big breath.
“Oh. Right. Um...”
“Please Jen. We need to talk.”
He's right. We do. I just don't want to.
“I know. It's just...”
“Jen, please. I only have today, before I have to get back.”
“Oh.” He sounds desperate, but it's probably not a good idea to have Tanning and Travis in the same room right now. That just reeks of disaster. What to do?
“Can you wait a few minutes?”
“Is he there with you?”
Oh, so Tanning has become he now. Never really heard that tone from Travis before. He sounds almost jealous. But that can't be possible. I was only a means to an end. A job. Travis never had real feelings for me. Or at least I don't think he did. Boy this is too confusing.
I sigh. “Yes.”
“Five minutes. Then I'll be up.” I hear the beep, as he ends the call not giving me the chance to argue further.
I swallow down the lump in my throat. Once again I'm faced with getting rid of Tanning. I've hurt him too many times. I'm not sure how to do this.
