by J. Dorothy
“Was that him?” Tanning asks, his voice husky.
Well now neither of them are using each other's names, that isn't good.
I glance at Tanning, seeing the hard set of his jaw and his narrowed eyes. He looks pissed.
“Um ... yeah. He wants to meet Felicity.”
Tanning folds his arms. “I won't allow it.”
What? Where the hell did that come from?
I cough and splutter, “But, he's the father. I have to let him see her.”
“No, you don't. He's an asshole. He's not getting near you again.”
I blink, my mouth agape. “What? What ... what are you talking about?”
Tanning reaches toward my cheek and strokes his finger over my scar. I close my eyes at his tender touch. I hate being reminded, but having Tanning touch it, calms me and I press my cheek toward his palm, and he cups both of my cheeks with his hands and looks me squarely in the eyes.
“I won't let him hurt you again. I should never have let you go with him that day. I'm to blame. I'm so sorry Jen.”
Oh, god. This is such a mess. How on earth can I explain?
But I don't have time to contemplate further, as the door opens and Travis is standing in the doorway, his hands on hips, his jaw locked, his eyes with that icy glare, looking just as pissed as Tanning was a few minutes ago.
Hells Bells, what am I supposed to do now?
THiRTY-THRee
_________________________
Tanning moves so fast, his face as black as thunder clouds, and I don't have time to contemplate saying, or stopping anything. He shoves Travis back out the door and slams it shut, leaving me sitting here dumbfounded.
What the hell?
I can't let Tanning at Travis, not with what he thinks he's done to me. I mean technically he did slice my cheek, but not in anger or anything. Oh, God, why is my life so frigging complicated? Get rid of one monster problem only to be faced with another gruesome, ugly mess.
I look across and see Felicity sleeping soundly, I can probably creep out and try to find them, but I won't be able to leave her for long. Only a couple of minutes. I don't really want to leave her. But I don't want to let Tanning beat up on Travis, and from the murderous look in his eyes when Travis opened the door, I'm betting that's exactly what he had on his mind.
Oh Holy Crappy Messes!
I'm still not sure, when the door opens and Bailey walks in, with a huge grin on her face. The grins not for me. That grin is always for Felicity. I think Bailey has fallen in love with her. I was a bit worried how she'd react, after all she's been through, but I swear it was love at first sight. Cam's almost as bad. Those two really need to get married and start a family. I know they're young, but I think that might heal Bailey from her past wounds once and for all.
Bailey finally glances in my direction, while I'm sitting biting my nails.
“What's wrong, Jen?” she says, and diverts her path from Felicity's crib to where I'm sitting.
I roll my eyes at her. “My life, as usual.”
She takes a seat and frowns a little. “What now?”
“In a nut shell, Travis decided to pay me a visit today. Tanning didn't want him to. And now they've both gone off to ... I don't know what.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh. It could be real bad. Tanning thinks Travis hurt me.” I trace my finger over my scar and Bailey sighs.
“You want to go find them? I can stay here with Felicity.”
I look over to her crib. I've never left her, even when I go to the bathroom I leave the door open a gap, so I can hear her.
“Um ... not really, but I guess I should.”
Bailey pats my shoulder. “It's a big mess, huh?”
I rub my eyes. “Yeah, but I guess it's time we sorted this out, once and for all. I've got to face facts. And I have to face Travis and Tanning.”
“You could wait, maybe Travis will set Tanning straight.”
“He won't. He knows how I feel about it all, and that I don't want Tanning to know. And besides, I don't think he can. We still have the trial.”
Bailey sighs and nods. “I'll do whatever you need me to do. Do you want me to go find them?”
I edge to the side of the chair and stand up. I'm still a bit sore from the birth but the nurses are encouraging me to move around and get back to normal.
“They can't have gone far. I just hope Travis is still in one piece. If it's okay, I'll go find them. But I won't be long. She's just been fed, and gone to sleep so she shouldn't wake for an hour or so.”
Bailey nods and plucks her phone out of her bag. “Just in case, take your phone and I'll call if I need you to come back. Okay?”
I give her a small smile. “Thanks Bales.”
Bailey takes her chair closer to Felicity and picks up a magazine. “Good luck.”
I grimace. Yeah I'll need several doses of that.
The raised voices are my first clue. Luckily they hadn't gone far, just to a private room at the end of the hall. There are no patient rooms here, thank goodness.
The door is closed, but I know they're both in here. I sigh big and grab hold of the handle and turn...
“Are you telling me you didn't do that to her?” Tanning is in the middle of demanding when I open the door.
Travis is sitting on the only couch with his head in his hands, looking better than the last time I saw him, but he looks defeated, like Tanning has been grilling him for hours on end.
Tanning is standing over him with his fists clenched at his side. They both look toward me when I walk in.
“Jen...” Travis, starts, but Tanning moves in front of him so I'm blocked from his view.
“Who's with Felicity?” Tanning asks, and I raise my eyes.
“Bailey's with the baby. I came to find you, before you did anything ... stupid.”
It's Tanning's turn to raise his eyes at me. “Believe me it wouldn't be stupid, it'd be the brightest idea I've had for a while.”
I rub at my face. How am I going to explain this, without lying. I'm suddenly so tired. Tired of this whole sorry mess, and tired of the dishonesty and game playing.
“Tanning, you don't understand. You don't know the whole story.”
Travis stands and Tanning turns to glare at him. “Take a seat, before I make you.”
Travis throws back his head and sits down again. I know he's only holding it together for my sake. He and Tanning would probably be evenly matched if it ever came to blows, both of them being so well built and fit.
That's the irony. If the truth was on the table, they could almost become friends. Almost.
I give Travis a quick knowing glance and he nods at me. He's giving me the chance to try and calm Tanning down.
Tanning turns back to me, narrows his eyes and folds his arms. “I won't accept more stories about, how he didn't mean it, and how he wants to be a good father. He's an asshole Jen, and you aren't safe around him. And neither is Felicity. You can't put you or the baby in that situation again. What if, it isn't you next time?”
I cringe and clench my arms around my stomach. I know Tanning is talking about Travis, but my thoughts immediately shift to Jason, and I think about Felicity being taken, and my legs nearly crumble beneath me. I couldn't imagine how agonising that would be. I'd rather go a thousand rounds with Jason than let him within a mile of my baby girl.
Travis leaps from the couch and dodges Tanning, making his way to me. He understands the distressed expression on my face. He knows what Tanning's words mean to me. He knows where my dark thoughts are headed.
Travis wraps his arm around my shoulder., “It's okay, Jen. It's really okay. You're okay. I promise.”
I nod into his chest as tears leak out, then I wipe at my face and look across to Tanning who is shaking his head and scrunching fistfuls of his hair.
“Un ... effin' believable. I can't watch this any longer. I'm done here. And when it all goes to shit ... I won't be here. I can't ... I just can't do it again.” Hi
s jaw is clenched and his eyes are watery as he looks away from me and turns toward the door.
I choke on a sob, which comes from down deep, from the dark place where I keep all my demons. I don't want to lose Tanning. But I have no way to stop him. And I can't blame him. I only keep hurting him, and I'll continue to do so.
This time I have to let him go.
So I do, as he slams the door in both mine and Travis' face.
THiRTY-FouR
_________________________
It's been a month since I left the hospital with Felicity. An incredible month. I can't get enough of being a mommy. I love and enjoy every single day, every hour, every minute. And I'm not one of those freaks who is on a love high, I get tired and I have moments when it's not easy, but I feel the most alive I've felt in, well, in my whole life. I finally have a place, a role, a purpose, and I have someone who loves and needs me, as much as I love and need them.
And boy do I love her. Loads.
I look around my little apartment. It's not much. But its mine. Travis helped me to find it. I refused to be a burden on anyone. I've been there, done that, and look how well that turned out.
The walls are painted light yellow, and I've decorated it with white antique furniture, which I picked up pretty cheaply from the thrift store in town. Travis gave me some money to set up, but I haven't used much of it. I intend paying him back one day. I'm returning to work next month. I've organised for one of Mrs Winters friends to come and look after Felicity in the mornings, till I get home. She's a lovely old lady, and has a dozen of her own grandkids, so she is all kinds of experienced.
She's coming tonight to get to know Felicity, so I can go out for a few hours. Bailey and Cam are finally having their engagement party. They postponed it when I had the baby, which was nice of them. They both said they wanted me there, and wanted to celebrate with me. Can't say I ever thought I'd be tearing up having Bailey and Cam acting so thoughtful. But that meant a lot. They really are true friends. And I finally appreciate having them in my life.
I've also organised to go and see my mom and dad next weekend. I talked to my mom, which wasn't an easy conversation, but one I had to have. They still don't know anything about the ordeal I went through, and I'm hoping they never find out.
Jason's trial is being brought forward to next week. Travis said the department is nervous his gang friends might get to him, so they have him in solitary confinement. It will be a relief to know when that is over. Travis said he'll testify, so I don't have to. They have my written statement and my recording which they can use if they need to. Jason has basically confessed to it all, so it should just be procedure in a closed court, no need for a jury or anything.
My thoughts flick to Tanning. I haven't seen him since he left me and Travis that day. He enters my thoughts more often than I'd like. On nights when Felicity is in bed asleep and I have a few hours to myself, my mind wanders to think over the few beautiful weeks and days we had together. I treasure those memories, even though It still kills me to think about losing him.
Travis and I finally talked. It is getting easier to be around him, the dark thoughts don't surface as often. He understands, although sometimes I get the impression, he would like to give us a chance to be a family. I just don't see him that way, and I never will. I couldn't. Not anymore.
Turned out, he never had a wife and three kids. He's a typical bachelor boy. Apparently he had a few issues with getting me pregnant while being under cover, breached his code of conduct and all, but after he saved me and caught Jason, they kind of overlooked it, and just gave him a warning.
With Jason's case he's staying in Chicago for the time being, but said he might take a desk job and move closer to us. He's never asked to take Felicity, he's content to visit for now, which was a huge relief. I guess, when she's older, that might be a consideration we'll have to tackle. But not now. Now she stays with me.
My cell buzzes and Travis's name lights up the screen. I answer it.
“Hi.”
“Hey, there, how are you and my gorgeous baby girl?”
I smile. He loves being a dad. And he's much better at it, than I thought he'd be. Seems weird now to remember him as the loser, I first met.
“We're doing fine, how about you?”
“Well, I'm good. But I have some news.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Not sure how you're going to feel about it, Jen. Are you sitting down? I don't want to freak you out.”
“Okay. I'm sitting.” I take a seat while he clears his throat.
“Jason’s dead.”
I have no thought at first, like someone punched the pause button on my mind.
“Jen, are you okay? Did you hear what I said?”
I suck in a breath. “I ... um... dead?”
“Yeah. Seems we weren't careful enough. They got to him. He was found dead in his cell a few hours ago.”
“Holy, freaking shit!”
“Yeah. That's kind of what I said.”
“So ... he's really dead?” I breathe out, as guilty relief washes over me.
“Yep. It's finally over. There won't be any trial, just a pile of paperwork, that I'll be snowed under with for a few months.”
“It's really over?”
“Yeah, it is. Are you okay?”
“I ... I'm not sure. I mean ... I wanted it over, but ...”
Travis sighs. “That's why we're the good guys, Jen. We still care and no matter how much I hated that asshole, I kind of wanted to see him rot in jail, instead of ...”
“Murdered,” I blurt out.
All I can think is, what a frigging tragedy of a life. I can't bring myself to feel justice has been served. I never wanted that kind of justice.
“Yeah. So ... are you going to be okay? Maybe you should get Bailey to come over. You can tell her and Cam. I know he still worries for her and you.”
“Um ... no. I'm going over to Cam's actually. It's their engagement party tonight.”
“Oh, right. Tonight?”
“Yeah. I'm only going for a few hours. I've got Mrs Henderson to look after Felicity.”
“Right. So ...”
“So, I better get ready. I'll guess I'll talk to you later.”
“I'll be down on the weekend. I want to see both my girls.”
I cringe a little at the repercussions of that statement, but I let it go. “We'll be here. And Travis, thanks, thanks for letting me know.”
“You're the first one I've told. I haven't even told my boss yet. I only got the phone call from the prison five minutes ago. You really are safe now, Jen. I don't want you to worry anymore.”
“Okay.”
“Oh, and Jen, is he going to be there tonight?”
I blink and swallow. Travis and I have never spoken of Tanning again. Not since that day. But I know who he's talking about.
“I don't think so. Bailey invited him, but he's got something else on. And as far as I know he's dating his old girlfriend again.”
I bite my lip, remembering the skanky girl in the towel. Apparently Tanning admitted to Bailey, that his ex turned up that night after Donna told her I'd dumped him. But he said he didn't sleep with her, she just took it upon herself to stay the night after Tanning got drunk and fell asleep. Not sure if I believe the story or not. But I don't think Tanning would lie. He's not like me.
“Right. I'm sorry, Jen.”
“Yeah. Well I'll get over it, I guess. I have Felicity, and she's all I need right now.”
“And me. You will always have me.”
Shit. This is awkward.
“Thanks Travis. You're a really good friend. And I really appreciate all you've done for us.”
He sighs again. “It's the least I can do. I have a lot to make up for.”
Okay, now the conversation just turned a direction that is a hard road for me. I grit my teeth.
“I um ... really better go, Mrs Henderson will be here soon, and I have a list of instructions to give her.” I
let out a fake chuckle, which Travis doesn't see for what it is, and we end our conversation. I would never get away with that with Tanning.
Tanning.
My heart aches remembering the way he could read my every thought. The way he trained his eyes on me with such intensity. The way he loved Felicity from the first moment he saw her. Oh, god I took that all away from him. I was the bitch he always believed me to be. And I know I had no choice, but hurting someone like that is the worst. Especially when it hurt me even more. I still love him. I think I always will. Now it's too late. Jason may be dead, that chapter of my life may be well and truly over, but it's all too late. Tanning's moved on, and I will have to move on too.
And it all starts with the smallest step. And tonight, I can step outside for the first time without looking over my shoulder, or racing to my car and locking the door, my heart thumping in my chest.
I can finally say goodbye to the fear that runs like blood in my veins, and I can breathe properly for the first time in months.
And I know it's slightly wicked, but I can't help feeling that my prayers have finally been answered, and I really need to thank God for that.
THiRTY-FiVe
_________________________
I pull up outside the very familiar farmhouse. I love this place. It feels like I'm coming home. Those months I spent here were some of my safest memories. Although my motivations back then were less than honourable, I will still treasure that time. Just like I treasure Cam and his mom.
Someone has finally donned the gardening gloves and made the yard presentable. There isn't a weed in sight, and they've even put a little fountain in the pond, which reflects the fairy lights strewn across the front porch. Wow, it looks magical and special. As it should be, Bailey and Cam deserve this. They've waited for so long to be together. And I'm really happy for them.
The lump in my throat lodges, thinking how happy I could have been, if things had of worked out for me and Tanning. I can't dwell now. I need to toughen up, and concentrate on my future and not the past. At least he won't be here tonight. Facing him after hearing the news about Jason would be torture. Knowing I don't have to keep it a secret any longer. The secret that kept me from telling Tanning the truth. The secret that kept us apart. And now it doesn't matter. None of it does.
