Heart of Thorns: a Between the Worlds novel

by Morgan Daimler

  She could feel him wavering, that terrible anger starting to crack under a tentative hope as both she and Jess refused to back down. She forced herself to take another deep breath, knowing that he could still change his mind in either direction. “Bleidd. Please. I’m not saying this because of what I am, because I need you that way. I’m saying this because I do love you, despite everything. I don’t care what Elven society has to say about us or about our situation, and I don’t care what anyone thinks.”

  “Allie,” Bleidd said, his voice tired, his emotions now a sea of conflict, “This isn’t about what other people think. This is about what’s best for everyone. What’s best for you.”

  “What’s best for me?” she said her voice shaking slightly as the anger returned despite her best efforts to hold it back. “How is any of this about what’s best for me? You weren’t even going to talk to me – to us – first. You weren’t even going to tell us. How is that best for anyone but yourself?”

  “Allie,” Jess said, his eyes cutting between the other two in obvious concern.

  “I thought it would be easier on you,” he said tightly.

  “How could this possibly be easier on me?” she said. “How did you think I would feel about you abandoning us?”

  “That is not what I was doing, and how should I know how you’d feel when you refuse to open up to me?”

  She felt something break inside under the weight of her anger. “You want to know how I feel? You really want to know how I feel? Alright. Fine.”

  She saw the concern on his face, felt it from Jess, but she didn’t care. She shoved down the blend of her own anger and his, and ruthlessly opened the emotional link between them, the link that bonded them together. She had only ever done this before to either enhance their mutual pleasure during sex or to reassure him or Jess with positive emotions. Now though she opened the link to its fullest extent, an intimacy normally reserved for physical union, and then intentionally pulled up everything behind the anger. She hit him with a wall of despair, terror, anxiety, self-loathing, and inadequacy that literally drove him to his hands and knees. The force of the emotions pulled his head down towards the floor but he managed to get one hand up, as if he were trying to ward off a physical blow. For an instant her mind went blank, full of nothing but what she was letting herself feel, the terrible immensity of it, and then Jess was wrapping himself around her. He was slightly less effected by what she was doing because she wasn’t aiming at him, but the raw agony he was projecting in response to what she was making them feel cut through her own haze and snapped her back to reality. His voice was low against her cheek, and she could feel his tears soaking into her shirt, “Stop, please, stop.”

  She cut the emotions off immediately, horrified at what she’d done to both of them. To all of them. She stood there gasping for breath, Bleidd kneeling on the floor, his forehead almost touching the hardwood, and it dawned on her that she could have killed him. She started to shake, not with anger now but with fear, worrying about how much she may have hurt him. “Bleidd, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to…I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

  He pushed himself up, staggered to his feet, his face ashen, and she cringed, expecting him to grab his bags and leave. Instead he managed the few steps to where they stood and all but fell into her, wrapping himself around her and Jess. He shook his head slightly, trembling. “You gave me what I asked for. Next time though, for the love of all that’s holy please tell me, with words, don’t show me. I don’t think I can bear going through that again.”

  “I’m so sorry,” she repeated. This is why she thought to herself, carefully shielding both of them out, this is why the Bahvanshee are so feared. I do not want to be that person, who uses emotions as a weapon. I don’t want to be bad. I’m just so afraid of him leaving….

  Jess was still holding her tightly, and she knew that she had hurt him as much as she’d hurt Bleidd, although she could sense no resentment in him, only grief and compassion. It made her feel even worse to know that he didn’t blame her, when what she’d done was crossing a line she had never wanted to cross, especially not with them. He spoke into the tense silence, trying again to sooth them both and refocus them onto a different subject. “We cannot afford to waste time and energy fighting amongst ourselves. If there is baneful magic then we must put all our effort into removing it before more harm is done.”

  “I don’t care if we are being hexed. I don’t even care if there really is a curse,” Allie said, filled with the conviction that the only way to make amends for what she’d just done was to find a way to hold everything all together. Somehow. “We will find a way to fix all of this, the same way we have always found a way to work things out before.”

  “Maybe this time there is no easy solution,” Bleidd said softly.

  “Whether the answer is easy or hard we shall find it,” Jess said, reaching around Allie and taking Bleidd’s hand.

  “Yes, we will,” she said trying to project a confidence she didn’t feel. “We’ll get this magic dealt with, but we need to clear the air about everything. Now. Because I can’t do this again. I really don’t care about Elven society. I meant that when I said it. And I meant what I said about this child belonging to all of us, together. I don’t care what people think about that either, and I can’t imagine that you care about it. So the child will be part of Jess’s clan, what does that really mean?”

  “It means that the child, if she is female will be my mother’s heir,” Jess said calmly.

  Allie looked up at Bleidd. “Does that really matter to you?”

  He hesitated a moment, still looking pale, then shook his head. “No. It doesn’t. I have no ties left to my own clan anyway and if it were not part of Jess’s it would be yours so it truly matters little as to that.”

  “Then why are you so upset by this?”

  He looked down. “I…am not sure.”

  “Bleidd,” Jess said slowly. “I do not entirely understand why you find no joy in knowing that Allie is with child. We should all be pleased by this.”

  “Perhaps…perhaps I have lived too long among humans, or maybe not long enough,” he said after a moment. “In my heart I want this child to be mine, truly mine the way human children belong to their fathers. I don’t understand this possessiveness. I know that the child isn’t mine, not the way I want it to be, if that makes any sense and I feel like this happiness isn’t mine to share and it makes me…almost jealous. In my head I know that it is hers and I should be glad for her and also that I had some part in it” (he ignored Allie’s derisive snort at that) “but I feel…I feel as if I have no claim on it. As if it is…yours to celebrate not mine.”

  “It is ours,” Allie said forcefully. “Not mine, or his, or yours. Ours. Together. You both need to get this Elven-matrilineal thing out of your heads, that a woman’s child is hers first and the father is incidental. That is not how I was raised and that is not what I think.”

  Jess reached out tentatively and touched her flat abdomen. “It’s an odd thing to think that a man has any claim on a…on…his…child,” he said slowly.

  “Well get used to thinking it,” she said grimly. “Because I am not going through this by myself. I don’t have a clan full of older women to help me. It’s just us, and I need you both, here, with me.”

  She felt the shock and then fear go through both of them at once and it almost made her laugh, despite everything. Clearly it hadn’t occurred to either of them that they would have to take on an actual parenting role. Generally elven men didn’t deal much with babies in the Fairy Holdings, not that there were very many babies to deal with even in the larger Holdings. Some men might decide to focus on a career that would involve child care or rearing, but generally mothers were supported by female relatives and extended kin. A father’s role in his child’s life was limited in Elven culture and tended to be emphasized more when the child was old enough to start training in a craft or learning a skill.

  “Perhaps,” Je
ss said cautiously, “It would be better to consider moving to Rathreehan…”

  “The main city in the Fairy Holding? No,” Allie said, feeling Bleidd’s uncertainty. “No. That isn’t going to lower my stress levels any. We’re staying here, this is our home. But no more talk of leaving. You want to know how I feel, in words, well right now I feel really scared about this. I don’t feel ready for it, and there’s just, there’s so much changing so quickly. I can’t handle any more, not now.”

  She met Bleidd’s eyes defiantly, wondering if he’d still argue, but whether it was the emotions she’d blasted him with, or their united front or something she’d said, they seemed to have gotten through to him. His arms tightened around her, his feeling still uncertain but she’d take that over the terrible resolve that had filled him before. “I was only trying to do what seemed best for everyone, including you.”

  “What’s best for me is for us to stay together,” she said firmly. “Besides, we have no way of knowing that you leaving would change anything.”

  “This is so,” Jess said, resting his head on her shoulder. Allie relaxed into the sense of security that being with both of them brought, growing more certain that Bleidd would stay, at least for now. Jess said, “The best strategy now is to go on the offensive and seek to hunt whoever is causing this.”

  “Should we, ummm, notify the Guard? Like officially?” Allie asked.

  Bleidd tensed but it was Jess who shook his head. “No. This is almost certainly human magic, if we involve the Guard on an official basis they may simply turn it directly over to the human police. In my experience the police are not particularly motivated to secure what I would call justice when the perpetrator is human.”

  Allie started to point out that she knew the police mage and trusted him to at least do his job, but she held her tongue. Jess had developed an almost pathological dislike of Sam, the police mage, and she had a gut feeling that mentioning him would only make Jess dig his heels in about not involving the police. She wasn’t entirely sure that the elven idea of justice in this case was something she really understood anyway.

  Bleidd took a deep breath and then spoke as if he were forcing the words out. “I will not speak of leaving again Allie, but if I am staying then I must explain something. I have been receiving notes, addressed to me, vaguely threatening. They began when the ill luck began but I have been unable to trace them to their source or catch the person leaving them.”

  “Addressed to you?” Allie said.

  At the same time Jess said, “How do you mean vaguely threatening?”

  Bleidd sighed, and she tensed prepared to hold him if he tried to move away, still not fully trusting that he wouldn’t leave, but he didn’t move. “Addressed to “Outcast” which is obviously meant to be me. And vaguely threatening in that they imply I have transgressed somehow and need to make amends, but offer no clue as to how or to who.”

  “What is the point then?” Jess asked, baffled.

  “I don’t know,” Bleidd said, obviously frustrated.

  Allie was the one who finally stepped away, pacing the width of the room as she thought. “Addressed to you, but not by name. Not by either name, which is kind of strange isn’t it?”

  Bleidd tilted his head, elven body language to indicate she had his full attention. “I assumed it was an insult.”

  She shook her head. “Not necessarily. If the person doing this is human they may not understand what being outcast really means…or they may. It’s hard to be sure.”

  Jess snorted. “How could they not know?”

  Before Allie could answer Bleidd was speaking, his voice thoughtful, “Humans don’t have the same concept of shunning that we do, nor do they understand it to be nearly as serious.”

  Allie nodded. “For elves to be outcast is worse than death in a way, which is why those who are outcast almost always die within a year or two, but for humans who don’t have the same rigid social structure or tight-knit family groups…its just not the same thing.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that,” Bleidd admitted. “Although I should have remembered. While I was outcast I may as well not have existed to other elves and that was indeed something like death. But to humans, it was difficult to explain to them. They just thought it was perhaps sad, as if it were only my own family that would have nothing to do with me, but they themselves did not care about my status.”

  Jess was shaking his head slowly. “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s hard to explain,” Allie said. “It’s just a very different social structure. The point is if a human is writing these notes and addressing them that way, we shouldn’t assume they are calling you an outcast as an insult.”

  “Why else would they do so?” Bleidd asked.

  Allie hesitated. “Maybe…maybe they’re confused and think it’s like a title? Or…maybe they don’t know your name?”

  Both elves looked uncertain so Allie shrugged. “My point is just that if they are human I don’t think we should jump to any conclusions. What exactly do they say?”

  He inclined his head in an elven shrug, his eyes distant. “The last one said ‘you know what you did – fix it now before it’s too late, or you’ll be sorry’. Except that I have no idea what this person thinks I’ve done or how to fix it.”

  “Vaguely threatening indeed,” Jess agreed. “And you’ve had no luck tracking any of it?”

  “Not thus far,” Bleidd said, his voice equal parts frustration and anger. What Allie felt from him though was fear and her own worry returned.

  “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” she asked, trying not to be too upset that this entire time while he’d been pressuring her to be more open, to depend on them more he’d been hiding this secret. I knew it she thought I knew something was going on. But I let all this bad luck and weirdness distract me.

  “There did not seem to be a need to,” he said, turning his head away to look fixedly out the window. “We were having bad luck, yes, but nothing that seemed overtly magical. And it appeared to be my problem, I could see no benefit in dragging either of you into it.”

  Allie gritted her teeth at that; even Jess looked more than a little put out. He seemed the most inclined to forgive and move on however and before Allie could think of a response Jess was already focusing back on the larger issue. “Everything is out in the open now and there are no more secrets between any of us, yes? Then we must find the best way to move forward.”

  “I’ve got my lesson with Miss Amelia tonight, and I obviously need it, but as soon as I get back I’ll follow Rose’s suggestions and get us unhexed. The return to sender should have some effect on whoever is doing this and then we just need to find a way to either track them or trap them.” Allie said.

  Jess and Bleidd exchanged a long look that made Allie brace herself. She knew that look by now. Jess said, “Allie, my heart, it would be better not to have your lesson tonight -“

  “Oh no,” she interrupted. “I missed last week’s. I can’t miss two weeks in a row. And I think I’ve demonstrated that my control is not even close to what it should be, and that me without control is…dangerous.”

  “Allie, I know, and Bleidd should know, that you would never intentionally hurt either of us,” Jess said, his voice kind. She wanted to cry hearing it and knowing that she had very nearly hurt them both very badly. She did not feel like she deserved their forgiveness, and especially not so easily and automatically.

  “But I did hurt you,” she said.

  “Emotions are dangerous things,” Jess said. “It hurts me more to know that you feel all of that and are holding it in, trying to deal with everything by yourself rather than talk to us and let us see your weakness. I understand your fear, I think, but I don’t know how to show you that it is groundless when you hide it all so deeply.”

  She took a deep breath, “I wish I could be a different person for you, both of you. I don’t know how.”

  “We don’t want you to be a different person,” he said.
/>
  She sighed, not sure she could handle another deep emotional discussion. “I can’t miss this lesson. I made a deal with Miss Amelia, and I need to talk to her. Beyond getting her help training my empathy so I won’t hurt you again, she could have some insight into what’s been going on.”

  “I will go,” Bleidd said suddenly, surprising her. He stepped away, towards the door, and Jess stepped back as well. “I knew the old mage, years ago, she may remember me. And I will explain the circumstances to her. Perhaps she can offer some insight into the situation.”

  Allie started to shake her head only to yawn instead. Jess smiled obviously thinking her tiredness vindicated his insistence that she stay home. Bleidd looked worried. She sighed, giving up. “Alright, fine. You go and apologize for me. I’ll get this unhexing done then eat something then get some sleep. But until we get this sorted out I think it’d be best if we all kind of stuck together, so please come straight back.”

  His eyes narrowed and she could feel his resentment like a physical thing between them, then just as quickly as it had appeared it broke and was replaced with a deep regret. He crossed the space between them and pulled her into a tight embrace. “Allie, I…” he paused, leaning down to rest his forehead on the top of her head. “I promised you once that I would stay with you as long as you wanted me to…”

  “Forever,” she whispered, the word slipping out before she could stop it. Jess stepped closer but held back far enough to give them a bit of space.

  “Yes, forever,” he agreed. “And I know that I frightened you badly tonight. I won’t do it again. You don’t need to be afraid every time I step out the door.”

  Don’t I? she thought cynically looking up at him and thinking about the recent drinking and now this almost-leaving. She listened to his heart beat beneath her ear and thought of the child she carried. How far can I really trust you? she wondered. She had no doubt that Jess would never leave, and sometimes found his attachment too much, yet with Bleidd the opposite was true, she was never entirely sure where he stood, or how much of their relationship was choice and how much was forced by circumstances. Gods this is a depressing train of thought she sighed then straightened up, pulling away from him.