Not Pretending Anymore

by Ward, Penelope

  “Probably because you’re not gay.”

  “Oh yeah, that might be it.”

  Declan spent the next ten minutes telling me about random people he’d met in Wisconsin. His physical descriptions were amusing because he likened everyone to a different cartoon character. From the way he spoke, I envisioned the state of Wisconsin much like Narnia—except I’d pass over the state line rather than through a closet and suddenly everything would be animated.

  Only Declan could make me laugh right now. I sighed. “God, I needed this.”

  “What? To hear about my boring life in Wisconsin?”

  “Just to forget for a few minutes.”

  He sighed. “I wish I was there with you.”

  As I turned the corner to return to the front of the hospital, my heart nearly stopped seeing Will walking toward me. He must’ve noticed the color drain from my face, because he held up his hands.

  “Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Kayla came back, so I gave her and your sister a minute alone with your dad. She promised to text if anything changed.”

  “Oh…” I let out a jagged breath. “Okay, thanks.”

  Remembering I was still on the phone, I returned to my conversation, “Sorry. I panicked there for a minute. I thought something happened with my dad.”

  “Yeah, I heard. Is that Will?”

  “Yes.”

  An awkward silence ensued. “Do you want me to let you go?”

  “Yeah, I guess I should.”

  “Okay. But keep in touch. Promise, Mollz?”

  “I will.”

  “Bye, sweetheart.”

  “Bye.”

  After I swiped the phone off, Will handed me a coffee. I hadn’t even noticed he had one in each hand. “Who was that?”

  “Declan.”

  He frowned, but tried to cover it. “How’s he doing?”

  “Good. He texted me last night to check in when we’d just gotten to the hospital, so he was worried.”

  Will nodded. It dawned on me that I’d asked him to stay behind while I went out to get air. He probably thought I’d done that so I could sneak off to talk to Declan. That hadn’t been my plan, but talking to Declan had made me feel better than I had since last night—and that had me feeling a little guilty. Will had been so amazing when it came to my father. He’d been pretty amazing, in general, the last few months.

  “I hadn’t planned on talking to Declan when I stepped out from ICU. That’s not why I asked you to stay.”

  Will searched my eyes a moment before nodding. “Okay.”

  I nodded back. “How’s Kayla now?”

  “She seems more pulled together than she was earlier. I’m sure she’s trying to put on a strong front for Siobhan.”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “You want to take another lap to give them a little time with your dad?”

  “Yeah. That might be a good idea. My sister needs to prepare.”

  ***

  Robert Emerson Corrigan died at 6:38PM. Will and I knew it was about to happen, so he’d taken my little sister down to the cafeteria and left Kayla and me to stay at Dad’s bedside as he took his last breaths.

  Being a nurse, that hadn’t been the first time I’d stayed with someone while they passed away, but doing it for someone you loved—your own father or your husband—was definitely a first for Kayla and me. The steady decline of his vitals had told me it was going to happen soon, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the moment the doctor pronounced him gone.

  “Time of death, 6:38PM.”

  Kayla and I had clung to each other in the minutes that followed. I’d managed to stay strong until a howl escaped her—then we both fell apart. She wanted to say her goodbye first because she needed to go break the news to Siobhan. So I waited by the nurses’ station to give her time alone. Then, when she was done, I went in.

  Taking my father’s hand, I stared down at his now-lifeless body. It was surreal that he was gone. I’d only just reconnected with him, and now I’d never see his smile or hear his laugh again. Tears streamed down my face.

  “Hi, Dad. I don’t know if you can still hear me, but I have so much I didn’t get a chance to say.” I shook my head and swallowed the lump in my throat. “You were a good man. I know I didn’t always make you feel like I believed that, but you were. You were kind and patient, forgiving and honorable. I was stupid to let so many years go by without having you in my life, and I’m so glad we had these last few months to get to know each other again.” I wiped tears from my cheeks. “I know I can’t take back what I did, but I want you to know that I’ve learned from my mistakes. Time is too valuable to not be with the people you love, and I love you, Dad, with my whole heart. I also love Kayla and Siobhan. I know how deeply you care about them both, so I’m going to make sure to be a part of their lives from now on. I know you’d want that for all of us. They’re forever my connection to you. Thank you for bringing them into my life.” I stood and leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I love you, Daddy. I’ll see you again one day.”

  Will was waiting outside of the curtain when I came out. After I spent some time with Kayla and Siobhan, he drove me home. On the way, I called my mom and texted my closest friends, including Declan, to let them know Dad was gone. When we finally walked into my apartment, it had felt like a year passed since I’d left yesterday. I looked at the time on the clock as I set my purse down on the kitchen counter.

  “Oh my God, Will. It’s almost eleven o’clock. Your shift started at eight, didn’t it?”

  He rubbed my arms. “Kurt Addison was on tonight. He owed me a favor, so he’s going to stay until I get there. I’ll go in and relieve him in a little while, and then I’ll work on finding people to cover my shifts for a few days.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “I want to. This is going to be a tough week for you.”

  I leaned against his chest, suddenly exhausted.

  “You haven’t eaten anything in more than twenty-four hours,” he said. “Do you want me to make you something?”

  I shook my head. “I’m too tired to even chew. I think I’m going to take a quick shower though.”

  “Okay. While you do that, I’ll make you some soup.” He winked at me. “There’s no chewing involved.”

  I took a long, steaming-hot shower and slipped into a furry bathrobe. My face was puffy from all the crying, and I left my hair wrapped in the towel because I was too lazy to brush it. Basically, I looked like hell, but didn’t have the energy to care.

  In the kitchen, Will had set two bowls of steaming soup on the table. He pulled out a chair for me as I padded into the room.

  “I found chicken noodle and tomato soup. I figured the tomato soup involved less chewing, but seeing that it expired a year and a half ago, I thought you’d be better off with a few noodles.”

  I smiled and sat down. “Thank you.”

  “Oh, and I almost forgot…” He turned around and grabbed something from the counter. “You also had this hidden behind the cans.” Will placed a shot glass filled with M&Ms on the table. “Do you hide candy for emergencies or something?”

  My heart felt heavy. Yet again, Declan had found a way to remind me of him—not that my thoughts were ever too far away.

  “I guess I just forgot I put them there,” I said.

  After we ate our soup, I couldn’t wait to curl up in a ball in my bed. Will climbed in behind me and snuggled for a while, but eventually he had to leave for the hospital. He must’ve thought I was sleeping as he ever so carefully slipped out from the room. Rather than let him know I wasn’t, I kept my eyes closed and stayed quiet.

  I hadn’t slept in more than a day and a half; I was physically and emotionally exhausted, yet I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept thinking about how much time I’d wasted, how many years I’d kept my distance from my father—and now he was gone. It was a real reminder that life moved fast, and it was so important to spend as much time
as possible with the people you loved. I couldn’t go back, but I could make that a priority in the future.

  CHAPTER 28

  * * *

  Molly

  My father knew a heck of a lot of people.

  Three days later, my sister Lauren had arrived from London, and we sat in the front row of the funeral parlor as what seemed like an endless stream of people stopped by to offer their condolences for the second day in a row. I was pretty sure anyone who happened to have a heart attack this afternoon might be shit out of luck, because every doctor and nurse in the county was at the wake. My dad and I had worked at two different hospitals, and the turnout was bigger than I’d anticipated. Even my mom came, which made me happy.

  The wake started from two to four in the afternoon, followed by a three-hour break, and then another session from seven to nine in the evening. In between, Kayla had arranged for us to have dinner in a private room at a nearby Italian restaurant. Since my dad was an only child, and both of his parents were already deceased, most of the family there was Kayla’s. Again, Will stayed by my side the entire time.

  “How you holding up?” He leaned over after we finished eating and kissed my temple.

  “I’m good. But I can’t believe I have to go through this again tonight.”

  Thankfully, this evening was the last of the sessions. Tomorrow would be the funeral.

  “I’m sorry I can’t stay,” he said. “I’ll be there all day tomorrow with you, though.”

  “Don’t be silly. First of all, you have been here for me every step of the way. I’m not even sure when the last time you slept was. And you definitely don’t need to apologize for having to work tonight. You don’t need to come back and babysit me tomorrow. You’ve done enough, Will.”

  Will weaved his fingers with mine and brought my hand to his lips. “I just want to be here for you.”

  I cupped his cheek. “You have been, and I really appreciate it. Thank you, Will.”

  The evening session of the wake was much of the same. I’d never met half the people who came up to talk with me, and that was a constant reminder of how long I’d kept my life separate from my father’s. At one point, I stood between my sister Lauren and my dad’s wife. I looked toward Kayla to introduce her to a nurse who had worked for our dad when we were little, and when I turned back, instead of yet another healthcare worker, I found my sister shaking hands with a man.

  “Declan? Oh my God! What are you doing here?” I launched myself into his arms.

  He chuckled as he stumbled back, unprepared for my enthusiastic greeting. “Of course I came. How could I not with a welcome like that?”

  I attempted to dial it back as much as I could. “I had no idea you were coming.”

  “My flight was delayed. I was supposed to be here for the afternoon session.”

  “Well, this is a welcome surprise. Thank you so much for coming all the way back.”

  We talked for a few minutes, until Declan noticed he was holding up the line. “I’m going to pay my respects and go sit in the back,” he said. “Find me later when you’re free?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  Unfortunately, free didn’t happen until almost an hour and a half later when things were coming to a close for the evening. But my spirits had greatly improved since Declan arrived. Every once in a while, I would look over my shoulder to make sure he was still there, and each and every time, he smiled at me. It was like the shot of medicine I needed to keep going.

  When the line finally slowed, Kayla rubbed my arm. “It was nice of Declan to come. Your father really liked him.”

  “He liked Dad a lot, too.”

  “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but the night the two of you came to dinner, your father told me he thought he’d just met his future son-in-law.”

  “Dad said that?”

  Kayla nodded. “He did. I thought I saw something special between you, too.”

  I looked over at Declan. He was still seated in the back. But this time when he smiled, he held up a bag of M&Ms and let them dangle. It made me chuckle.

  When I turned back to Kayla, she smiled warmly. “You two have fun tonight. You need a break.”

  ***

  Resting my head on the back of the seat in Declan’s rental car, I sighed. “What a long day.”

  He reached his hand across to squeeze mine. “You must be so tired.”

  I yawned. “I am.”

  “What can I do?” he asked.

  “I just want to go home.”

  Declan flashed a warm and comforting smile. “Let’s do that then.”

  He started the car and took off down the road.

  He turned to me. “Have you eaten?”

  “I could really go for some breakfast for dinner right now.”

  His brow lifted. “You got eggs and bread?”

  “My fridge is totally empty.”

  “I’ll stop at the market and run in real quick.”

  I smiled. “Thank you. You’re the best.”

  During the ride, I stared out the window. A sudden wave of sadness hit me. I’d somehow been able to block out the reality of my father being gone today, even at the wake. But in the quiet of this car, everything seeped in. It started to rain, and that just amplified the mood.

  When we got back to the apartment, I took a long, hot shower. When I ventured out into the living area, it seemed like no time had passed since Declan left for Wisconsin. While I crashed on the couch, he stood at the stove, preparing his famous French toast. The smell of cinnamon wafted through the air. And on this miserable day, finally there was a moment of joy.

  I breathed in, savoring the scent. “I still can’t believe you came all this way.”

  “Not coming was never an option, Mollz.”

  A smile spread across my face as I watched him flip the toast. “This is exactly what the doctor ordered: breakfast for dinner and getting to hang out with you tonight.”

  He turned around. “Well, not sure which doctor we’re talking about, but I’m not sure Dr. Will would have ordered me here with you tonight.”

  I blushed, feeling suddenly guilty. “Probably not.”

  “Speaking of which, if my sleeping here is going to cause any complications, I can stay at a hotel.”

  I sat up. “Are you kidding? This is your home. You’ve paid your rent. The room is still yours. Not to mention, I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

  “I get that, but will he come by? You never told Will I was your roommate all that time. So my being here wouldn’t make sense to him. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

  I knew Will wouldn’t be happy with this, but no way would I tell Declan to leave. I shrugged. “He’s working all night. He’s not going to come here. And if for some reason he did, I’d tell him the truth—that you came into town and you’re staying here. He would have to accept that, because he knows you and I are still friends.”

  Declan nodded. “Okay, sweetheart. I just don’t want to make things complicated.”

  It was the second time this week that Declan had called me sweetheart. Maybe I needed to evaluate why I loved it so damn much when a man who wasn’t my boyfriend called me sweetheart. But I was too tired to obsess over it right now.

  “You’re not making anything complicated, Declan. You’re making it a lot easier for me tonight because I don’t have to be alone.”

  He smiled. “Well, I’m happy as hell to be home.”

  Home. I wasn’t sure he realized what he’d just said. “Home, huh?”

  He paused. “It’s funny. That just came out. But I guess I do view this as home. My second home, at least.”

  Declan arranged two plates of cinnamon French toast with hefty sides of bacon. The appetite I’d lost earlier was back with a vengeance, and suddenly I couldn’t get enough food.

  We sat down, and he grinned as he watched me. “I’m glad to see some things haven’t changed.”

  In no time, there wasn’t a morsel left on my plat
e. But we continued to sit across from each other in comfortable silence. I finished off the last of my orange juice.

  “Did you tell Julia you were back in town?” I asked, still feeling a twinge of jealousy at the mention of her name.

  He shook his head. “No. She doesn’t need to know I’m here—not looking to start anything up there again. Better to leave well enough alone. I only came for you.”

  My chest tightened. “When do you have to go back?”

  “Unfortunately, my flight leaves tomorrow night. So, I’ll be here for the funeral, but I have to be back in Wisconsin right after. The following morning I have an important presentation. I wish I could stay longer.”

  I frowned. “Me, too.”

  Silence settled over us, and the high I’d been experiencing started to wane.

  Declan sensed it. “Do you want to talk about today?”

  I shook my head. “No, even though maybe I should. Rehashing this day is the last thing I want. It was grueling, and I am absolutely dreading tomorrow.” I kicked his foot playfully under the table. “Let’s talk about anything but death, okay? Tell me more about cheese and lesbian bars.”

  So Declan told me a few funny stories about life in Wisconsin, and I got lost in his humor. With each minute that passed, I was more and more grateful that Declan was here with me tonight.

  “I’m not the only one who appreciates you being here,” I said. “My dad’s wife thought it was really nice that you showed up, and made a point to tell me how much my dad adored you.”

  Declan reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “I really liked him, too. I wish I’d had a chance to get to know him.”

  “Even though he didn’t know you very well, my father sensed that you were good people, you know? Just like I did when I first met you. I think he loved the fact that you’re so outgoing and pleasant. Seriously, Declan, whenever you’re around, you just light up a room.”

  The expression on his face changed after I said that—darkening, as if somehow my compliment had upset him. It was strange.