Mind Games

by Teri Terry

  I climb the rungs into the void. As always the hatch and ladder vanish as soon as I step away from them. Twinkling lights rush past on the strange winds of the void, off on some mission of their own. I breathe in deep. There is an odd, comforting smell in the air, in my lungs. It tastes like forever. My hair whips around until I wish it not to. This time, a long braid twists down my back. I smile. I did that, didn’t I? The first time I was alone in the void, I wished my hair tied back; I thought Gecko did it. But was it me all along?

  I lie down on what passes for ground here; while it holds me, it also feels insubstantial. The collapsing void spun in my dream fills my thoughts. I’d dreamt of falling in the void many times, with no idea what it was. But it wasn’t just a dream: it was a memory, wasn’t it?

  I close my eyes, turn the necklace around to the first bead by the clasp, as instructed. Cast your light into it, Tempo said, as if that would be perfectly clear.

  I hold the bead between my fingers, try to trace the carving on its surface by feel. Nothing. Think like a bead, I tell myself, and laugh. Maybe Tempo is crazy and this doesn’t work; maybe she got me into the void to try to trap me here. She doesn’t know I can just unplug to get out any time I want – or does she? I don’t really know what she knows about me, about what I can do. More than I do, maybe. I sigh, longing for Astra’s memories, and scared of them at the same time. My emotions rise into a swirling silver maelstrom above me, growing larger and larger.

  Spin the light…?

  I stand, hold out my hands, and spin like I do in my dreams. But not to collapse the void and fall this time. Instead, I fling my arms out and gather and spin the silver, then concentrate the swirl of light by drawing my hands together, closer and closer. To form a brilliant point of light. And inside, I start to panic. What am I doing? Incredible power, Tempo said. What if this goes wrong?

  I fight the fear, and focus: on the necklace; on the bead by the clasp. The silver light rushes from my fingertips through my body, a flash of dazzling heat.

  Then…everything changes.

  Warmth, soft light and joy suffuse my senses. I’m looking down at a tiny, tiny baby in my arms, overwhelmed by the swell of feelings inside me. Dad, very young, without all the worry lines, is gazing into my eyes in a way that isn’t for his daughter. With shock, I realise: I’m experiencing Astra’s memory, reliving it like I’m her. The baby is me? I gaze down at my chubby face, long dark lashes curling on soft cheeks.

  A blur of memories follow, all of baby me: sleeping, playing, even crying. My first steps. And every strand of memory tastes of love and joy. She loved me.

  Mostly I can only half remember my mother. Sometimes I can’t even bring her face to mind, and when I can the feeling often isn’t there, as if the memory is more from her photos than anything real. But she loved me. It’s in her memories, imprinted into them. Tears are wet on my cheeks. Both here, in the void, and back in the PIP. Hope I don’t short circuit anything.

  And then…it changes. Now I’m Astra, looking at myself in a mirror. I stare hungrily. This is Astra as I remember her when the memories will come; it must have been not long before she died.

  She smiles. ‘Luna, is that you? It must be you. Darling.’ Her face is sad. ‘If you’re sharing this memory with me now, it must mean I’ve left you. I’m sorry, Luna, so sorry.’ She holds out a hand, reaches it towards the mirror, and I can’t stop my hand reaching out in the void, as if I could touch hers. Goosebumps rise as I understand: she spoke to her reflection in a mirror as if I were listening, then stored it as a memory – a message just for me.

  ‘Darling girl, be strong. I will tell you everything I can.’

  Her face changes, to serious, and cold. ‘Trust no one. Trust only yourself. Now listen to me very carefully: much of what you will have been told and taught is wrong.

  ‘NUN has idolised rationality over intelligence, as the way to keep the world safe from the human race. For many years, we – S’hackers, scientists, thinkers, all marginalised in the cult of RQ – have known the dangers. The cost of the loss of intuition, of creative leaps to advance thought, science, the human race. You must think outside the box, Luna. Listen to your inner voice; trust your intuition. Things are going wrong. And they are getting worse. PareCo is growing stronger; they’re using their technology to manipulate NUN and the governments of the world. And under the guise of the tests, they are stealing the brightest minds away to work for them. People, many of them our own, vanish, and we don’t know where they go. PareCo is false. The emperor has no clothes.

  ‘But we, the Council of Scientists, are fighting back. And you, dear Luna, are part of the fight. Always remember that no matter how or why you are here, I love you, Luna. You must always know this. But you were planned. There are special characteristics we’ve been mixing S’hackers with for generations, trying to achieve your perfect self: a S’hacker still, but, like your Nanna, able to perceive real and virtual together. Who can overcome the restrictions of the void, and resist PareCo.

  ‘Trust no one. Trust only yourself. You’re special; you can change things.’

  She stops, smiles, sadness in her eyes. ‘Your dad doesn’t know. He does know you have S’hacker capabilities; he doesn’t know the rest of it.’ Astra blows a kiss at the mirror. ‘Be brave, special girl. I love you.’

  The light fades. She’s gone. I’m alone in the empty and lifeless void.

  ‘No! Come back!’ And I’m yelling into the void. What the hell was all that about? What did she even tell me? It was almost like she was afraid to say too much, afraid of who might be listening.

  What did that mean – that they’ve been mixing S’hackers for generations? Did Nanna have the same ability as me to be both virtual and aware of her body at the same time? She never said – I never knew. I shake my head. Is that why she always warned me to not tell anyone, told me to avoid getting an Implant – did Nanna somehow know the danger? But she had this characteristic that the S’hackers wanted, and then—

  Shock makes my thoughts stop as if they’ve run into a wall. What – am I some sort of genetic experiment? They were trying to come up with somebody with certain abilities. Like crossing flowers to get the most desired colour, or vegetables with disease resistance, or apple trees that give more apples. And Dad didn’t know…did Astra target him to make me? Did she conduct some sort of survey of the population, and come up with him as good genetic daddy material because of Nanna? I feel sick inside. And now I’m somehow supposed to resist PareCo and change things, is that it?

  I sit up, heart pounding wildly, with fear, fury, and loss: emotions so strong and tangled I can barely work out what they are.

  How do I figure out what’s what?

  Gecko. I need to see him. Or is that I just want to see him? To know he’s OK first and foremost, but even more: to hear from him exactly what role he played in all of this. I shake my head. Astra said to trust my intuition, and for whatever reason, I want to see him.

  Where are you, Gecko? I focus my thoughts on his face, and just like the last time I wanted to find him in the void, a silver arrow appears at my feet. I start to walk, then think, no – go faster. I run through the void, silver clinging to me like the last time I ran in this place. I flick it out and away, sending trails in all directions.

  There: a dark shape in the void. I slow and stop as silver outlines a door, then step through.

  ‘Gecko?’

  He’s across the room, and whips around at the sound of his name. But then he dives for the door; it disappears as he reaches it and he slams, hard, into the wall.

  ‘Heh, nice to see you, too. OK if we talk for a moment before you run out on me?’

  He groans, and rubs his shoulder. ‘Sorry, but I’m distracted by being trapped. Can you make another door?’

  ‘Can’t you?’

  ‘No. I don’t know what they’ve
done or how they’ve done it, but I’m a prisoner. In my own S’hack!’ He punches the wall in fury. ‘Let me out!’ he yells.

  ‘Calm down! I’ll help you if I can, but you have to help me first.’

  He turns and really looks at me now. ‘Is everything all right? Are you safe?’

  ‘If you call being locked up in a basement with a bunch of loons “safe”.’

  He half grins. ‘That sounds about right; Heywood got you, then?’

  ‘Yes. How about you? Did they catch you, or did you get away? What happened that night?’

  He frowns, sits on the bench; I sit next to him.

  ‘Well?’

  ‘They caught me. Took me to Inaccessible Island: nice place, by the way, if you don’t mind being in the freaking middle of nowhere. They gave me some drug or another, and next thing I know, I’m here.’

  ‘Where’s your body?’

  ‘Must be plugged in somewhere on the island, but I don’t remember plugging in. I’ve been going completely mental. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get out, but nothing works!’

  Gecko positively radiates tension; being locked in this small space in the void would be bad enough for anyone, but for Gecko? It’s his worst nightmare. Is it my fault? a small voice whispers, inside.

  ‘I’m sorry. But you shouldn’t have dragged me along with you; you should have run.’

  He shakes his head. ‘I’m not blaming you. But I couldn’t leave you behind.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘So many reasons,’ he says, his voice light. He takes my hand, weaves our fingers together. A glimmer of Gecko the flirt is back.

  ‘Try to stay serious, if you can. I need to know some stuff. Please be honest with me.’

  ‘I’m always honest! Well, almost always. Fire away.’

  He stares back at me and now that he’s next to me, so close, his hand warm in mine, I’m feeling more and more reluctant to ask what I need to know. Some of the things Crystal said – about Gecko manipulating me because I was a witness – might have started this, but there is more. Tempo knew who I was, what I am: did Gecko?

  ‘All right, here goes. Were you instructed to seek me out at the test centre?’

  His eyes open wider. ‘No, of course not!’

  ‘Well, maybe not directly. Was there something that led you to me?’

  He’s thinking, and I don’t interrupt. ‘Well, no; not specifically you,’ he says, finally. ‘Why does it matter?’

  ‘It just does. Not me, specifically? What do you mean?’

  ‘You’ve met Tempo?’

  I nod. ‘She’s the one who let me plug in.’

  ‘When it became apparent PareCo was taking me to the test centre whether I wanted to go or not, Tempo asked me to seek out anyone without an Implant. We were suspicious the new Implants weren’t what they were supposed to be, and that something was up with the tests. To be around someone without an Implant was the best way to assess this.’

  Someone without an Implant, at the test centre? That’d be me with a big shiny ‘pick this girl’ sign pointing at my forehead. I was the only one there that fit the bill.

  ‘And how about later? Were you told to find me after the tests?’

  ‘Nobody tells me what to do, Luna,’ he says mildly, but his eyes flash annoyance. ‘S’hackers aren’t like that. We’re all equal in the void.’

  ‘Suggested it to you, then.’

  He frowns. ‘I told Tempo I’d met Astra’s daughter. That you could see S’hacker marks. That you didn’t have an Implant and were a Refuser, but that I’d told you about ANDs. She said we should keep an eye out for you, and if you plugged in, to assess what you could do in the void.’

  ‘So that day you took me to the waterfall: that was why, wasn’t it?’ It hurts inside to think so, but I shrug it away, not wanting to look too closely at why it hurts so much.

  ‘I didn’t have to take you to my favourite place and spend half the night with you there, did I? I wanted to. And you did it, there, without even knowing: manipulated the void.’

  ‘What on earth are you talking about?’

  ‘Your swimsuit. You changed it. That was a fairly simple unconscious manipulation. But then there was your hair.’

  ‘My hair?’

  ‘When you dried it, styled it, the works. Not an easy thing to do.’

  I stare back at him, surprised. ‘I thought the world did that.’

  ‘No. It was all you, Luna. That was when I knew for sure you really were a S’hacker. Tempo wasn’t convinced; she wanted proof you could navigate the void.’

  ‘So you slipped a ladder down to get me up there on my own.’

  ‘Just so. I did argue against that. It was risky. Of course, then I thought you could have got lost in the void if you lost your nerve. I didn’t know you could just unplug if you wanted to.’

  ‘So I’ve been some sort of project you’ve been checking out, is that it?’

  ‘It’s not like that, Luna. I was happy to spend any time with you that I could.’ Something in his eyes is warm, says, Yes, this is the truth. I shrug it away.

  ‘Whatever. And the crash. Were you supposed to pull me with you out of the wreckage, get me to Heywood?’

  ‘No. I didn’t even know you’d be there! But –’ and he pauses – ‘Tempo had stressed how important you were. When I got caught and thrown on the transport myself, I didn’t know you were going to be there. What does this matter now, anyhow?’

  ‘I don’t know, but it matters. I think Tempo has got some sort of plans for me, something to do with PareCo.’ Tempo and Astra, I add silently. Were they planning this before I was even born? ‘I don’t know what. I think she set things up so you’d rescue me.’

  ‘That’s crazy.’ He says the words, but I can see he’s thinking about what I said. He takes both my hands between his. ‘Listen to me, Luna. Keep away from PareCo. Stay out of sight, stay with Heywood and his loons. They’ll look after you.’

  ‘I don’t need looking after.’

  And I don’t, not in the usual sort of way. I’ve mostly raised myself, relied on myself. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like it if someone I trusted was there for the job. I sigh, lean my head against his shoulder and close my eyes. Not tired as in wanting to sleep, but emotionally drained; so much so that I feel almost empty.

  ‘What’s happened, Luna?’

  ‘Tempo thinks PareCo killed my grandmother to get me on that transport.’

  His hand strokes my hair. ‘I’m sorry. I thought that was likely.’

  ‘She also said they…’ My voice wavers. ‘That they killed my mother all those years ago. That they sabotaged her PIP.’

  ‘That is believed to be true. We can’t prove it, though.’

  And I think of all the hidden and not-so-hidden barbs and slights aimed at me, at my family, because of how Astra died. Deep inside, something eases at the thought that it wasn’t her fault; something else hardens.

  ‘Did my dad know?’

  ‘I don’t know. Ask Tempo; they were friends then. She should know the answer.’

  His arms slip around me, but the emptiness inside has begun to fill – with hot molten fury. I pull away.

  ‘I can’t stay away from PareCo. Not after what they’ve done to my family.’

  ‘PareCo is dangerous. Believe me, Luna, you don’t want them to take you.’

  ‘Why should I listen to anything you say? You haven’t been honest with me.’

  ‘I’ve never lied to you. There may be stuff I never told you, but—’

  ‘That’s as good as.’ I shrug, and stand up. ‘Anyhow. It’s a door you want, isn’t it?’ I focus on the wall; the silver appears as I will it to make a door. I walk towards it, pull the handle, step through. Hold it open.

&nb
sp; He walks forwards, but as soon as he reaches it the door vanishes.

  That’s weird. I make another door, and step back through.

  He’s holding his head. ‘Ouch. That hurt.’

  ‘Sorry. So you can’t make a door; you can’t go through one that I make. You really are trapped.’

  ‘Yeah. Thanks. I think I worked that one out.’

  ‘There is something else I could try. Though I really, really hate doing it, and I’m not quite sure what will happen.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I could spin and collapse this part of the void.’

  ‘You can do that?’

  ‘I think so. At least, I could. Not sure I still know how.’

  ‘Go ahead. I’m not sure where I’ll end up, but anywhere has got to be better than here.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yeah. But before you do…’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have told you what I knew. It was about you, and what you are, and you had the right to know. Forgive me?’

  I pause, turn away, trying to work things out. But finally turn back to Gecko, shake my head. ‘I’m not sure I can right now. I’m too muddled up with everything. Maybe later?’

  He stares back at me, and despite everything he’s been through – being caught, drugged, and trapped in the void – he looks like this one thing is at the centre of his mind. And something relents, a little, inside.

  I smile, and he grins back.

  ‘If a smile is the best I can get, it’ll do. For now.’

  ‘Shall we give this a try?’

  He nods.

  ‘Give me a moment,’ I say, and close my eyes again. Cast myself back, back, back…to standing under the moon with Astra.

  I open my eyes and start spinning, hands held up. Sparks of silver run through the walls into my hands and swirl around me, faster and faster, more and more silver, gathered and spun and stretched.