My Gift To You

by Tracie Delaney

  At the familiar endearment, Livvy managed a small smile. “More water.”

  A rustle sounded off to her right before he was back. He gently lifted her head and eased the straw between her lips. After she’d had her fill, he laid her back down.

  “Are you in any pain?”

  She nodded. “Are you sure I was taken to the OR and not run over by a truck?”

  Gabe laughed, his relief showing in the lightness of his chuckle. “I’m sure, darlin’.” He turned to the nurse. “Can we get her some pain relief?”

  “She has a morphine drip,” the nurse explained as she picked up a button and placed it in Livvy’s hand. “Press this whenever you’re in too much pain, hon, and your morphine will be increased.”

  “What if I overdose?” Livvy asked. Considering the way she was feeling, she would be pressing the button so often, she’d probably get repetitive strain injury.

  The nurse chuckled. “You can’t. Go ahead and press it as much as you need. If you’re still in pain, let me know.”

  A few minutes later, Dr. Anderson arrived, and Livvy steeled herself for bad news. She couldn’t hope for the best. With her track record, hope was a dangerous thing.

  Dr. Anderson pulled up a chair. “How are you feeling, Livvy?”

  “Sore.”

  She nodded. “I’m not surprised, but you don’t need to be in pain so be sure to tell a member of the team if you are.”

  “How did it go, Doctor?” Gabe got straight to the point, for which Livvy could have kissed him. If left to her own devices, she would have taken ages, gradually working up to the only question that mattered.

  “Very well.” She smiled and patted Livvy’s hand. “When we got inside, the tumor wasn’t as bad as we’d feared. We’re hopeful that the cancer hasn’t spread outside the breast, despite the delay in starting treatment, but the lab tests will tell us more.”

  Livvy sucked in a breath, while Gabe muttered, “Thank God.”

  “Your reconstruction also went extremely well. Once the swelling goes down and your scars heal, I’m confident you’ll be pleased with the result.”

  Livvy sagged against the pillows as tears welled up. She reached out a trembling hand towards Gabe, whose warm fingers closed around hers.

  “Does this mean she won’t need chemotherapy?” Gabe asked.

  Dr. Anderson grimaced. “I’m afraid we’ll need to go ahead with that as planned. The tumor was still a fairly large size.”

  “I understand,” Livvy said in a shaky voice. “But the prognosis is good?”

  “Let’s get the test results first. As soon as you’ve recovered from the surgery, we’ll begin the next step in your treatment.”

  Livvy didn’t fuss when Gabe helped her out of the car. These days, she took whatever bit of affection he chose to dole out. But her dark mood instantly lifted when Heather came to the front door with Sophia. She’d only been gone three days, yet it felt like a lifetime since she’d seen her baby girl.

  “Come on in, darlin’.” Heather ushered them inside. “I’ve made you some tea.”

  Livvy smiled as she kissed the top of Sophia’s head. Every step was painful, but she repressed a wince in case Gabe and Heather ganged up on her and sent her to bed. Even if she couldn’t hold or rock Sophia until her scars began to heal, she could look at her, touch her, and smell her.

  “I’ll take your bag up,” Gabe said with a smile that fell far short of his eyes. Livvy watched him as he took off up the stairs. Tears made her vision blurry, and she rapidly blinked to stop them from falling.

  “Feel up to that chat?” Heather asked, reminding Livvy of their conversation a few days ago.

  Livvy nodded. “Right now, I’ll take all the advice I can get.”

  Heather led the way into the living room and put Sophia down in her bassinet, where she gurgled happily. She was such a good baby. They were lucky on so many levels. Livvy eased herself into a chair, flinching as a sharp stabbing pain shot across her chest.

  “Do you need some painkillers?” Heather asked.

  Livvy grimaced. “I took some before I left the hospital.” She dismissed the pain. “I’m fine now. It’s only when I move.”

  Heather’s brow wrinkled. “Well, as soon as it’s time for more, you let me know.”

  Livvy gave her a wan smile. “I will.”

  “So,” Heather said as she blew on her tea. “Talk to me.”

  Livvy sighed. She glanced quickly over her shoulder to make sure Gabe wasn’t there even though she would have heard him come downstairs. “I don’t know what to do, Heather. I can’t reach him. He won’t talk to me. He won’t tell me what he’s thinking or feeling. And I know you’ll probably deny this, but he’s distant with Sophia too. I want the old Gabe back. I miss him so much.” Her voice caught on a sob.

  Heather leaned forward and squeezed Livvy’s hand. “He’s his father’s son.” She rolled her eyes, which in spite of everything, made Livvy chuckle. “Travis was exactly the same. Stubborn bastard. It must be in the Mitchell blood to think showing feelings means weakness when it’s quite the opposite.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “You reassure him, Livvy. He’s terrified of losing you. You’re being so strong, and yet he feels weak because he can’t protect you—he can’t take the pain away. You need to step up for him, fight for him. I know this might sound harsh, given you’re the one fighting this awful disease, but”—she shrugged—“you married a Mitchell, darlin’.”

  Livvy paused to reflect on everything Heather had said. Her mother-in-law was right. Livvy had spent so long fighting, that to her, it was the norm, something she did without thinking. But through all of her pain and suffering and heartache, she hadn’t stopped to consider Gabe’s feelings. She’d made it all about her and had simply pulled on her big-girl pants and got on with it.

  “Can you go and get him?” she asked Heather. “I’d go up, but it’ll take me an hour to walk upstairs.”

  Heather grinned and patted her shoulder as she passed. “Good girl.”

  She returned five minutes later with Gabe in tow. Without saying a word, she picked up Sophia’s bassinet and left the room.

  “Mom said you needed me.”

  “Sit down, Gabe.”

  He did as she asked, concern and worry swirling in his green irises. Livvy’s heart almost burst with love for this amazing, strong, dedicated man, who put everyone ahead of himself.

  “I want you to do something for me.”

  Uncertainty about where she was going flashed across his face as he nodded. “Anything.”

  “Talk to me. Tell me what’s in your head. Don’t treat me like a china doll. You’ve never been like that, and it’s one of the things I love most about you.”

  Gabe shook his head. “You have enough to deal with.”

  She reached out, even though it was painful, and took his hand. “Nothing is more important than you and me. I’m here for you, but you need to play your part. Don’t hide things from me, Gabe. It weakens our relationship at a time when we need to be strong.”

  His eyes widened, and he swallowed hard before blowing out a heavy breath. “This isn’t easy.”

  “Nothing worthwhile ever is.”

  A glimmer of a smile curved his lips upward. “Have I ever told you that you’re one of the smartest people I know?”

  She grinned. “Oh, I don’t need you to tell me that.”

  He laughed then. Livvy memorized the sound and stored it away so she could call on it later.

  “So?” she prompted when he didn’t continue.

  He dragged a trembling hand through his hair. “I’m so scared, Liv. All the time. I feel like such a failure.”

  He paused, but Livvy didn’t interrupt. She needed to let him talk, and then she would have her say.

  “I’m the man. I should be the one protecting you, and yet you’re the one stepping up, being strong, being determined. I’m trying, Liv. Honestly, I am. But I just don’t know what to do.”<
br />
  When he didn’t say anything more but chose to stare at his hands instead, Livvy reckoned that was as much as she was going to get from him.

  “Hold me,” she said. “That’s what you do, Gabe. You hold me.”

  He lifted his chin, pain creasing his handsome face. “Oh, Liv,” he breathed as he scrambled from his chair and knelt in front of her. His arms came around her waist, and he rested his head on her knees.

  She ran her fingers through his hair. “The best thing you can do is give me and our daughter love and affection. I need it, Gabe. This distance you’ve put between us has to stop. I am here for you, always, but I need you on the other side, an equal partner, a lover, not a caregiver.”

  His head bobbed in her lap. “No more,” he said. “We fight this together.”

  A few weeks later, Livvy arrived in the hospital for her first bout of chemotherapy. Six was the magic number that Dr. Anderson thought she would need to kill off any lingering cancer cells. Even though the hospital had been fantastic, she’d spent the last few weeks researching what she could expect and had found some amazing blogs online. Those folks didn’t pull any punches, so Livvy knew that she was in for a rough ride. She’d already made a couple of friends, people who were willing to answer questions she might not want to ask the doctors or want Gabe to know were on her mind. He was worried enough without her adding to the pressure. Since their chat after her surgery, the distance he’d created had dissipated and they’d grown closer than ever.

  And however much suffering the chemo would bring, it was all worth it for Sophia. Her daughter was thriving, and every day brought a new change or discovery. Already Livvy missed her, but Heather was an absolute godsend, taking care of everything. Still, it didn’t stop the odd spike of jealousy when Heather did something Livvy should have been doing, but the C-section and following mastectomy had taken their toll. No doubt the chemotherapy would make matters worse before they got better.

  Livvy and Gabe sat in silence as the IV slowly fed the bright red drugs into Livvy’s system. It only took an hour. Livvy wasn’t sure what she’d expected, but as they left the hospital, she felt the same as she had when they’d arrived.

  That night, however, was amongst the worst of her life. The sickness, despite taking anti-nausea drugs, kept coming until there was nothing left in her stomach. Yet she continued to retch. Gabe suffered alongside her, holding her hair as she leaned over the toilet bowl for the umpteenth time, spitting bile into the pan as tears ran down her face. Then he would mop her brow and carry her back to bed until the next bout hit her.

  Livvy collapsed into bed following her latest trip to the bathroom. Dawn had broken, and early sunlight brightened their room, lifting her spirits, although the complete exhaustion meant that she could barely find the energy to turn her head towards the window.

  Gabe climbed in beside her. The dark shadows beneath his eyes told their own story. She wasn’t the only one suffering. The sickness may have been happening to her, but the effects were felt equally by Gabe. He gently put his arms around her and nuzzled her hair, trying to bring her what little comfort he could.

  “If you’re still like this in an hour, I’m calling the doctor, Livvy. You must be getting dehydrated, and I’m really worried.”

  “They warned us this would happen.” God, her voice sounded so weak, even to her own ears. “I have to ride it out. If I can keep down the anti-sickness tablets, it will get better.”

  “But that’s just it, darlin’. You’re not keeping them down. If you carry on like this, I’m calling the doctor,” he reiterated.

  Livvy didn’t argue, mainly because she had absolutely no strength to fight him. But over the next hour, she wasn’t sick, and so Gabe agreed to hold off calling for medical assistance. He brought her some more anti-sickness pills, which she managed to keep down.

  As the week progressed, Livvy’s strength returned, and by Friday, she felt well enough to sit in the garden with Sophia. It was a beautiful, warm spring day, and as she rocked her baby, Gabe pointed out the different birds in the garden. Even though all Sophia did was gurgle, Livvy started to believe a happy future was within her grasp.

  Unfortunately, Monday morning arrived too soon, and as Livvy and Gabe traveled back to the hospital for her second chemotherapy session, a heavy atmosphere hung over the car. The second time was much worse. Livvy couldn’t keep anything down, even water. After twelve hours of hell and Gabe’s frantic worry, Livvy relented and let him call the doctor, who gave her a shot that stopped the vomiting. But the nauseous feeling remained.

  This time, Livvy didn’t feel human until Saturday. Once again, she spent her weekend in the garden with Sophia. Her daughter had changed so much even in the last week. Sorrow at everything she was missing made her chest tight and uncomfortable. Heather was an absolute rock, but Livvy couldn’t help her envious feelings. Gabe’s mum was experiencing all the little changes that Livvy wasn’t. She took to cursing the damn cancer that was robbing her of the important moments she would never get back. Heather and Gabe had started to make lots of videos, and Heather took to writing a daily journal of all the little changes in Sophia, but it wasn’t the same.

  The next four weeks were not only the longest of her life, but also a living hell. The doctor had told her the effects of the chemotherapy would be cumulative, but knowing and experiencing were two very different things. Dr. Anderson assured her that once the final treatment had been administered, she would recover quickly from the sickness, although the bone-weary exhaustion would last much longer.

  After the sixth bout of chemotherapy was over, Livvy spent the following two weeks getting her strength back. She’d lost so much weight. Every rib was visible, and her body ached constantly. Sometimes when she undressed for bed, she would catch Gabe in an unguarded moment, and the worry and concern on his face would make her heart ache painfully. But the moment he caught her looking, he would school his expression and smile warmly.

  On the morning of her checkup at the hospital to see if the chemotherapy had worked, Livvy trudged downstairs. The smells coming from the kitchen making her stomach grumble. After weeks of even the idea of food making her nauseous, her appetite had started to come back. Luckily for her, she had a husband who was a fabulous cook.

  As she spotted him moving about the kitchen, cooking breakfast, she hung around by the door and drank him in. They hadn’t had the best start to their marriage—apart from Sophia—and she vowed to make it up to him now that she was feeling better.

  “Morning, cowboy.”

  Gabe spun around, a broad smile lighting up his handsome features. “Morning, darlin’. You hungry?”

  “Starving.” She slid onto a stool at the breakfast bar and sipped a glass of juice. “Where’s Sophia?”

  Gabe rolled his eyes. “Where do you think?”

  Livvy chuckled. “Heather?”

  “Yep. They’re in the garden. Breakfast will be a few minutes if you want to try to wrestle our daughter away from her grandmother for a quick cuddle.”

  Livvy stepped off the stool. “I’ll give it a try.”

  As she wandered out into the garden, Heather’s voice drifted across the lawn. She was humming to Sophia. She spotted Livvy and came straight across.

  “Here’s Mommy,” she said, holding Sophia out for Livvy to take.

  As she cradled her daughter in her arms, a sense of peace stole over her. She buried her head in Sophia’s soft curls and breathed in her beautiful baby smell.

  “How are you feeling today, sweet pea?” Heather asked, sweeping her hand briefly down Livvy’s arm as a way of comfort.

  Livvy forced a tight smile. “A little worried, but hopeful.” I can’t do it again. I just can’t.

  Heather nodded sagely. “Have you eaten?”

  Livvy tilted her head backward. “Gabe’s sorting breakfast now.”

  “He’s a good boy.”

  Livvy chuckled. It always amused her when Heather treated Gabe like a child, although n
ow that she had one of her own, she could understand.

  Heather linked her arm through Livvy’s. “Let’s go and see what my clever son has rustled up.”

  Livvy arrived thirty minutes early for her appointment, as though that would somehow make the time go quicker. She and Gabe took a short walk around the hospital gardens to pass the time. After a few minutes, she spotted a bench, and the two of them took a seat.

  Livvy reached for Gabe’s hand. “I need to tell you something.”

  Gabe brought her fingers to his lips and kissed the tips. “What, darlin’?”

  “If it’s bad news—”

  Gabe dropped her hand as his flew in the air, palm facing her. “No, Liv.”

  “Listen to me. I’m saying this whether you want to hear it or not. I thought we were past hiding.” As Gabe’s lips pressed into a thin line—his disapproval of the discussion evident—Livvy carried on. “If it’s bad news, I want you to know that I don’t regret a thing. I would choose Sophia over my own life every single time. She’s my gift to you for showing me I could be happy again.” She picked up his hand from where it lay limp in his lap and pressed it against her cheek. “Thank you for the best time of my life.”

  Gabe shook his head. “We have plenty more to look forward to. All of us. You, me, and our daughter.”

  Livvy didn’t argue. She’d said her piece. There was no reason to labor the point.

  As their appointment time drew near, they headed for Dr. Anderson’s office and took a seat in the waiting room.

  Five minutes later, the receptionist called out to them. “Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell, you can go in now.”

  Livvy’s stomach sank, and she wiped clammy palms on her jacket before cautiously opening Dr. Anderson’s door.

  The doctor rose from her chair and shook both their hands. “Livvy, Gabe, please sit down. How are you feeling, Livvy?”

  “Good. I’m still tired, but overall, I feel much better.”

  The doctor gave no sign as to whether Livvy’s response was what she had expected. She opened a file and glanced at the papers within before she lifted her head and clasped her hands in front of her.