"So many times. . . I wanted to tell you the truth."
"Sshh. Babe . . . it's okay."
"How can it be okay? I– l-lied to you. I lied to everyone-"
"Let's not talk now. I want you to feel better. We have plenty of time later."
Holding her in those strong, capable arms, her head tucked safely against his shoulder, Jen knew she would never forget how it felt. As long as she lived, she would try to remember this single moment– when Jake made every problem disappear, simply by holding her. When he made everything okay. When his endless strength seeped into her body and make her stronger. She wished this single moment would last forever.
He continued to hold her, stroking her back while she wrestled with the knowledge that everything had changed. She could no longer fall back on a web of lies to distance herself from the outside world. She would have to trust herself enough to stand on her own. She could finally be honest with Jake. She'd longed to confide in him.
Jenna stiffened as she acknowledged this might be the very last time she'd ever hold him like this. His fingers increased their gentle pressure, kneading her anxiety away.
"I don't know what you're thinking, but I want you to stop worrying, okay?" His lips pressed gently against her temple.
"Aren't you angry with me?" What if he couldn't forgive her? A vision of Mona flashed before her eyes and she shivered. It had been years and Jake couldn't forgive his mother. He would likely never trust her again.
"No, Jen. Just relax."
The thought of losing him made her stomach twist with dread. How would she live without him? "Please don't leave me." Jen didn't realize she had whispered the plea, until his hands paused in their soothing motion. Only a moment passed before his fingers were back at work, massaging the tension from her spine. As her aching muscles began to liquefy under his powerful fingers, she sagged against him, her eyes too heavy to stay open.
***
True to his word, Jake brought her home the next day. He rejoiced in Alex and Megan's happiness. Then he'd carried Jen upstairs and tucked her into bed, where she still remained nearly two days later.
His mother had beamed when he announced his plans to move in for a few days and take care of Jen himself. Jake read her thoughts. He needed to be involved– that having a family meant being there for them. Mona stayed through dinner the first night before quietly leaving Jen and the kids under his care.
Watching his mother drive away, he'd panicked for a moment, before squaring his shoulders and getting to work. He'd supervised bathing, homework, kitten wrangling and kitchen clean-up before shepherding the kids off to bed. He'd learned nighttime routines of story-telling and teeth brushing and water fetching before they finally fell asleep, a sleepy-eyed kitten curled on the end of each bed. All the while, Jenna slept, blissfully unaware of all the parental rules he was probably violating.
Not that the kids seemed to mind. As long as their mother wasn't dying, they seemed perfectly happy to live on hamburgers and chocolate milk for the rest of their lives. Jake had lost a few points with Alex when he'd held firm on the subject of bathing. Smiling over the memory, he picked up toys in the living room. The little guy had a pretty convincing argument for the once-a-week plan.
It had been surprisingly easy to rearrange his schedule at work. It helped that he'd planned to be in Baltimore for an extra day. Armed with a laptop and a mountain of files, he'd been amazed to discover how much he could accomplish after the kids were tucked in bed. He'd also been pleased to discover Jeff was eager to pick up the slack. Jen had been right. Who would have dreamed his younger brother actually craved more responsibility?
Mostly, he focused on Jenna. Walloped by the overwhelming need to protect her, he'd beaten a path to her bedroom door, just watching her sleep. She was a thousand percent better than the night he'd walked in and found her lying on the floor. The bruise on her forehead was already turning yellow and starting to fade, but she was still weak and tired. The medication for her infection caused her to sleep nearly round the clock the first day home. The few times she awakened, he'd been there waiting.
Jen had been shocked to see him. Each time she opened her eyes, he read it in her expression. She was in unfamiliar territory. When the kids bounced on her bed each evening, catching her up on the day's adventures, she would smile over their antics. But her expression had been far too grateful to suit him.
Her reaction only confirmed his suspicions– that she'd been neglected and abandoned by her husband . . . left to struggle on her own. She'd never been treasured. Learning he took better care of her than her former husband made him furious. It made him want to hurt every guy who had insulted and abused her. He hoped Jen would see in him something she'd never found in a man before. Respect. Kindness. Love.
He paused at the sound of footsteps overhead and heard the shower start as he put the kettle on for tea. New Year's Eve. The kids were at a friend's house for lunch and a movie. The house was quiet. Jenna was feeling much better. Today, they would finally talk.
***
Cinching the knot in her bathrobe, Jen released a calming breath. She was feeling human again. When her stomach growled a protest, she realized food would be first on the agenda. Then she would call Jake. Whatever was going to happen to them would happen today. She couldn't handle another day of not knowing where they stood. Today was the day she would begin rebuilding her life.
Entering the hallway, she was greeted with the scent of cinnamon wafting up the stairway. She gripped the rail tightly while she took the stairs, her legs suddenly wobbly as she realized he was still there. He'd been there every time she'd opened her eyes. When she'd burned with fever, he'd washed her face. When she'd awakened thirsty, he'd held the glass to her lips. When she'd shivered with cold, he'd tucked in the blankets. Two nights earlier, he'd fed her soup out of a coffee mug in the middle of the night. Memories of his dark head on the pillow had her scrunching up her nose. Had that been Baltimore . . . or here?
Jake had taken care of her children when she was too sick to do it. And now . . . he'd made her breakfast. Pausing on the steps, she blinked back a rush of tears. Damn– she wouldn't cry. Jake Traynor was a kind, compassionate, wonderful man. Despite her lies, he'd been there for her. Whether or not he wanted her in his future– she owed him everything for the care he'd provided them.
When the oven door opened, she heard Jake curse as he dropped a pan on the stove with a clatter. Stifling a chuckle, she rounded the corner into the kitchen. Though he was definitely a superhero in her eyes, he was still distinctly human when it came to cooking.
"What are you still doing here?" His back to her, he was at the sink, running cold water over his fingers. "Jake?"
He jerked around, surprised to find her standing there. "Hey– how're you feeling?"
"I feel much better, actually." Her heart pounding, she clutched the knot on her bathrobe, certain he would see her shaking with nerves. "Shouldn't you be at work?"
"I– uh. . . Jeff's covering the bases. I wanted to stay here until you felt better."
Managing to tear her gaze from his face, she glanced toward the stove. It was safer to focus on cinnamon rolls than to stare into those gorgeous, compassionate eyes. Jake looked tired. He looked– strained, as though he was dreading their looming conversation. As though he couldn't wait to finally leave.
"What's all this? You made breakfast?"
He shook his head derisively as he dried his hands. "Well, that was the plan, but I'm not sure they're edible." Crossing the room, he gently nudged her toward the dining room. "I'll bring you some tea. You shouldn't be on your feet."
Pulling back a chair, he motioned for her to sit. Jen hesitated, unsure she could sip tea and carry on a polite conversation. Not with their lives hanging in the balance . . . with so much still unresolved. "I can't believe you stayed. How can I ever thank you? For everything you've done for me?" Swallowing her fear, she forced her gaze to his face. "Why Jake? Why would you do this for me?"
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"Because I care about you– I need you."
"You need me?" Sinking into the chair, her legs seemed to collapse under her weight.
"I want you healthy," he continued, his eyes earnest. "You were run-down, and I feel responsible for that. You've been working too hard."
"Jake . . . we have to talk. What happened between us . . ." Her eyes burned with unshed tears, despite her intentions. He needed her. "It was a mistake. I never should have-"
"It was not a mistake," he interrupted.
"Jake. . . I-I can't keep working for you." Not if she hoped to retain her sanity. "I know we're a good team, but you're going to have to find someone else."
"I don't want anyone else. I'll never want anyone else."
An icy lump of misery forming in her stomach, she continued. "I saw you with him. I know you talked with Baldwin." Shivers coursing through her, she wrapped her arms around her waist. "I'm sure he delighted in telling you what happened when I worked in Baltimore." She forced herself to meet his gaze. "He's a lying bastard. He ruined my life for the s-sport of it."
Pulling his chair around the table, Jake sat next to her. "He told me what he did."
Too frozen with shame to comprehend his words, she glanced at him. "Did you– believe him?"
Taking her icy hands in his, he edged closer. "He told me a disgusting story about a woman . . . how they'd all been hitting on her, but she wouldn't-" He released an angry sigh, his expression harsh. "A woman named Jenny Cahill."
Jen flinched, the lump of ice beginning to steal over her chest. His voice was so cold. So distant. This conversation– was worse than anything she could have imagined. Dragging in a shuddering breath, she fought the tears threatening to swamp her.
"Baldwin said Jenny had two children. . . and a lousy husband– who cheated on her and then dumped her for someone else."
The words buzzed around her as memories flashed through her brain. An anguished sound tore free from her throat as something inside her snapped. Pulling her hands free, she blocked her ears, unable to bear his angry words. Unable to look at him . . . to see the pity she would find there, she doubled over, burying her face in her lap.
"Stop. Please! I'm sorry I lied to y-you. But . . . I-I moved here to forget about it. I moved here to s-start over . . . where no one would know me. Where no one would ever know how pathetic I was."
"God, Jen! Is that what you think?" Bolting up from his chair, Jake knelt before her. Lifting her face to his, she discovered his expression was blank with shock. "It wasn't your fault," he whispered.
He pulled her into his arms, tucking her against his chest. His heart beating violently under her cheek, Jen could feel tension vibrating through him. He was straining to hold back his anger. She just wasn't certain anymore who it was directed at.
"Jen. . . that bastard tried to destroy you. How could you possibly think I would blame you?" His arms tightened reflexively around her. "God, I wanted to kill him."
Cautiously lifting her head, she searched his eyes. The pain she found there mirrored her own.
"When I think of what you went through . . . all alone."
She pulled back in stunned disbelief. He was hurting. For her? Covering her shock, she released a deep breath. "I've mostly gotten over it."
"Are you sure about that?"
"I-" She didn't like the husky, uncertain sound in her voice. "In the beginning, I thought lying about being married would make things easier. But then we met and– I'd already lied to you. So, when I ended up t-taking the job with Specialty, I had to . . . keep it going." Dragging in a shaky breath, she tried to slow her rioting heartbeat. "As time went on, I realized you were n-nothing like-" Her thoughts were so jumbled, she knew she wasn't making any sense. "So many times, I wanted to tell you-"
"But I wouldn't let you," he admitted. "I was afraid you were going to tell me your marriage was terrible– which I'd already suspected." Jake's eyes were troubled. "But I was already . . . crazy about you. And I was eaten up with guilt over it. Guilt and jealousy. Not a great combination," he admitted. "As hard as I tried to keep my feelings out of it, I knew if you told me– I wouldn't be able to stay away from you. And I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up your marriage."
Her eyes widened over his admission. "Hiding behind a fake marriage was a stupid idea."
"Nothing you've done is stupid, Jen. After hearing what you went through– it was survival."
The stranglehold of ice around her chest began to ease. Her lies had been such a burden. She'd built walls around herself– around her little family, thinking she would protect them. Instead, they'd suffered more. "I thought it would be safer . . . that it would-"
"Keep men away?" Jake's eyes reflected understanding. "You thought a ring on your finger would stop them from bothering you again? That's why you dress so conservatively. It's why you never let your hair down– or your guard."
Sagging back in her chair, she closed her eyes for a moment. "There's so much about me you don't know."
His fingers sought hers, gripping them tightly. "I want to know, Jen," he insisted, his lips brushing against her temple. "All of it. I want to understand what you went through."
"My life with him was such a disaster. It's hard admitting that everything I did– every decision I made– was wrong."
"Honey, you were a kid. What the hell?" He shook his head. "No matter how bad your marriage was, you've raised two beautiful, amazing kids. That's because of you," he pointed out. "No matter what else happened, you're a wonderful mother."
Warmed by his words, she was encouraged to confess everything. All the ugliness. All the loneliness. "Our marriage was basically over by the time I had Alex," she confessed. "Rick was gone– all the time. He'd been cheating on me . . . and I realized I didn't even care anymore." Glancing up, she expected censure, but found only encouragement in Jake's eyes. "Thankfully, he left me. When he died– I felt . . . relieved."
"I hope you don't feel guilty about that."
She found her first smile, beginning to suspect there was nothing she could say that would shock Jake. "After Rick died, I thought life would improve. I was up for the promotion, but you . . know what happened there."
Releasing a shaky breath, Jen was surprised to realize she felt better. She felt lighter. Unburdened. She wanted to finish it– so they would never, ever have to talk about it again. "I packed our stuff and took off. I . . . went back to my maiden name."
"How could you ever think less of yourself, Jen? I think you're the strongest woman I've ever met."
Her face heating with the compliment, she smiled. "It was hard enough, relocating to a new city. Trying to land a job when you're a single mom doesn't help. People have doubts . . . they wonder whether you'll show up every day." Her expression defiant, she met his gaze. "I'm not ashamed of what I did," she confessed. "I'm sorry I lied to you. . . because I-" She hesitated over her words. "I c-care about you and I betrayed your trust. But I'm glad it's finally over. I knew as the kids got older I would have to do something. I'm so tired of feeling isolated. . . of feeling guilty. I'm tired of all the lies."
"What about us?" Jake's expression remained guarded. "You're really planning to leave me?"
She glanced away. He deserved an answer. But his tone had been cautious. He'd given nothing away of his feelings for her. He respected her. But that didn't mean he loved her. He only needed her.
"Jake– I can't. . . work for you– not after what's happened between us." She had to be completely honest. It might be the last opportunity she would ever have with him. Closing her eyes on the ever-present threat of tears, she nervously drummed her fingers on the table. "I won't be able to hide how I feel about you-"
"How do you feel about me?" His husky voice urged her to confide in him.
Tears pricking in her eyes, she felt her composure slide. "I can't have an affair with you . . . despite what you've heard about me." Her laugh sounded brittle, desperate to preserve what little dignity she had left
. "In spite of my actions in Baltimore– I don't sleep around."
"Look at me." Her head jerking up at the command, she hastily blinked away tears. "I love you, Jen. I've been in love with you– practically from the beginning."
"But you-"
Staring down at her, Jake shook his head. "I don't want an affair with you, Jen. I want everything with you. I want your heart. I want that amazing brain. I want that sharp tongue– cutting me down to size when I deserve it." He paused when she chuckled. "I want your kids– to be my kids. When I said I needed you– I meant here." He pointed to his heart. "I need you and Alex and Megan like I need air to breathe."
Joy surging through her, she thought her heart might explode from it. It didn't seem possible that someone could love her like that.
"That's why I've been so impossible to live with. Every time I looked at you– I wondered how I could possibly live without you. How I could work with you every day and not touch you. How I would ever manage to hide it from you." Pacing the room, he dragged a hand through his hair. "How do you think I felt?"
"I-I don't understand-"
"I fell in love with a married woman." She absorbed the intensity of his stare. "Jen– you can't know what I've put myself through. To want you so much . . . and know I could never have you. Dammit– I had no right to want you. But you were always alone. Through every problem . . . I saw this smart, funny, beautiful woman. I hated watching you struggle . . . when I wanted more than anything to be the one helping you."
"Then in Baltimore– the way Steve looked at you. . . the way every guy looks at you. I-I went a little nuts." His voice hoarse, he glanced away. "The thought of him taking advantage of you– when it was my fault you were forced to deal with him." His expression disgusted, he shook his head. "I saw him in the elevator with you and I went a little crazy."
"I thought if I cornered him, I could get him to back down on some of his demands."
Trusting Jake (Blueprint To Love Book 1) Page 23
