Afterlife

by Claudia Gray

  For one second I considered appearing in the room. If Mom saw that something of me lived on, maybe she Wouldn’t hurt so badly. But at that moment, I was too ashamed of having hurt her to show my face.

  “This isn’t over,” Mom said. She pushed blindly past Lucas into the hallway. He slumped into the nearest chair. I wanted to take form and comfort him, but I had the feeling that seeing me as a ghost Wouldn’t be that comforting for Lucas right now.

  And there was something else I had to do.

  I followed my mother along the corridors. She wiped at her cheeks but otherwise didn’t try to disguise the fact that she’d been sobbing. Several of the students, both vampire and human, gave her curious glances, but she didn’t seem to care.

  We went up the winding stone stairs of the south tower, all the way to my family’s apartment. My father lay on the sofa, his arms wrapped around himself and his eyes dull. He didn’t look at my mother as she walked in. Dad had put on one of his old records — one I recognized, one with Henry Mancini songs that I had liked a lot when I was a child. Audrey Hepburn was singing “Moon River.”

  “It’s true,” Mom said in a small voice.

  “I know. I think — I think I knew a long time ago. just didn’t want to…” Dad shut his eyes tightly, like he was closing out Mom and memory and the whole rest of the world.

  My mother stretched on the sofa beside him, taking him into her arms. As she bowed her cheek against his dark red hair, his shoulders began to shake with heavy sobs.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. No matter how ashamed I felt, no matter how hard it would be, it couldn’t be worse than hearing them suffer. It was time for me to appear to them, to reveal what had happened.

  But as I gathered myself together to take form, even as I struggled to find the right words to say first, my mother choked out, “May God damn the wraiths.”

  I froze.

  “It’s their fault,” she continued. “What happened to her is their fault.” Dad cuddled her closer. “I know, sweetheart. I know.”

  “I hate them. I hate them all. As long as I’m on this earth, I’11 never stop hating them….” Her voice ebbed into sobs again.

  They hated the wraiths, for having had a hold on me, for haunting Evernight, for merely existing. If I appeared, they Wouldn’t think of me as their little girl anymore. I would just be a monster. The way Lucas had been nothing but a monster to Kate.

  I’d never known how much I needed their love for me until I’d lost it.

  So I didn’t appear to them. How could I? I would only have made it worse for them and for me, as impossible as it seemed that anything, ever, could be worse than that moment. Compared to this, dying had been easy. But I remained there for a long time, watching them weep. I deserved to see it.

  They cried themselves to sleep, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. For a while I drifted through my old room. Apparently most of my family’s stuff had made it through the fire, because many of my things remained there. Klimt’s The Kiss still hung on one wall, shining, ideal lovers that, in my mind, symbolized Lucas and me.

  We’11 get back to that place, I thought. We’11 find a way.

  I flowed through the window, not bothering about the frost, until I sat beside my old friend the gargoyle again. His stone wings were the same color as the gray autumn nightfall.

  “Remember that time we talked here?”

  Startled, I turned to see Maxie sitting next to me — actually a few inches off the windowsill, but once you were a ghost, gravity dido’t matter so much. She was smiling like this was the greatest day ever.

  “Maxie, what are you doing here?”

  “Uh, saying hello? Like the last time we met here. You figured out how to fog up the glass so I could write on it. That was when I decided maybe you weren ‘ t terminally stupid.”

  I’d fogged the glass with my breath — a trick I’d never be able to perform again. “Don’t take this personally, but honestly, I can’t do the banter thing right now.”

  “Stop sulking, living dead girl.”

  “Maxie. No.” I couldn’t feel good about being a wraith, about being dead, after seeing what my death had done to my parents.

  “You’re not alone, you know.” Maxie tried to make it sound casual, but I knew she was reaching out as best she could. After decades of being isolated from the living world, except for visits from Vic, she wasn’t very good at the social — interaction thing. “You don’t have to be afraid of us.”

  But I was. Going to “talk to Christopher” sounded the same as accepting my death, and at that moment, I couldn ‘t. “Not tonight, okay?”

  She hesitated, clearly disappointed, but then she vanished.

  After a second, I realized that Maxie was right about one thing: It was time for me to quit brooding and go to Lucas. By now, perhaps, he’d be ready to see me again, ghost or not.

  The easiest way down proved to be sort of melting along the tower wall, feeling the stones ripple past me. As soon as I reached the new roof, I could feel that it was far more resistant to ghosts than before, but I could go in through the front door or most of the windows. I darted in and out. finding my way, memorizing paths in case I needed to use them later.

  Occasionally I felt a small ripple of energy behind me, or in an opposite corner, and figured Maxie was trailing along after me. But then I realized that it wasn’t her.

  It — they — were other ghosts.

  Christopher? I thought, with a shiver of fear. He was the only other wraith I’d encountered at Evernight. But his was a powerful, unmistakable presence, one I didn’t detect here. And there were several of them: two, three, five, ten, maybe more. They were just slivers of fog, zephyrs of sensation, probably invisible to anyone who wasn’t a ghost, too. It reminded me of when I’d been a vampire, the way I’d started to be able to just sense when another vampire was nearby, whether or not I ever saw them. I wasn ‘ t exactly seeing these ghosts — more the trails they left behind — but I knew they were there.

  Mrs. Bethany’s plan to draw them here through the human students had obviously worked.

  We always wanted to know why she was hunting the wraiths, I thought. I guess soon we’11 find out.

  I rose through the north tower, searching as I went. Mostly I saw a lot of vampire guys hanging out in their rooms, chugging blood and bragging about how much sex they’d had during summer vacation, and a few other rooms with human guys who were hanging out, eating potato chips and bragging — less credibly — about the sex they’d had during summer vacation. If I’d had a body, I would’ve rolled my eyes.

  Then I reached a room where the two inhabitants sat on opposite sides of a chess board, and I smiled. “That pawn is now a queen, baby,” Vic said. “Booya.”

  “Your soul is as devious as your stratagems.” Ranulf frowned as he considered what to do next.

  I unfolded, willing myself into a visible form. Both Vic and Ranulf jumped, but then they each smiled. “Hey, ghostly lady.” Vic rose from his chair, like an old — fashioned gentleman. “How’s it going?”

  “Not so hot,” I admitted. “How are you guys?”

  “We compete now for the desirable bunk farther from the windows, which will be less drafty in winter,” Ranulf said. “Later, Vic’s iPad will be used to watch a film of the winner’s choosing. Much is at stake.”

  “In other words, it’s all good.” Vic paused. “At least, in this room. On the sixth floor, You’re gonna find two guys who are having a suckier time of it.”

  “So Mrs. Bethany let them room together?” Balthazar had said he would suggest it, and given the attitudes of the other vampires toward Lucas, it made sense for Mrs. Bethany to agree. But I felt better knowing for sure. “Well, that’s something, anyway.”

  Vic was uncharacteristically quiet for a couple seconds. He avoided my eyes, instead studying the kitschy old Elvis Presley movie poster that he’d tacked onto his wall. Then he said, “I should’ve volunteered. To room with Lucas, I mean. He ne
eds his friends with him — I know that — but I just — ”

  “No, Vic, it’s okay. Lucas should be with Balthazar, because he’s going to have a lot of questions that only a more experienced vampire could handle.” There were other reasons Vic didn’t need to room with Lucas right now, but reminding him of them wouldn’t do anybody any good.

  “That’s not what I meant. I want Lucas to know I believe in him. You know?”

  “I know. But .. . give it time. Don’t rush it.”

  Vic nodded and said nothing else. The moment was threatening to become awkward when Ranulf triumphantly slid his queen across several squares. “I believe the superior bunk will be mine.”

  “Oh, man.” Vic made a face, and I had to smile despite myself. Waving good — bye, I dematerialized again and went farther up, to the sixth floor. After searching through a few rooms, I found Lucas and Balthazar. They were already asleep.

  No wonder they’d already gone to bed — this day had to have been exhausting and traumatic for both of them. I didn’t think they’d unpacked. Lucas’s half of the room was as spartan as ever, and Balthazar appeared to have stopped moving in as soon as he laid a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on the windowsill. Balthazar, almost too broad and tall to fit in his bunk, was curled in facing the wall. Ever the fighter, Lucas slept on his back, large, scarred hands above the covers, the better to grab a weapon within moments if necessary. The only time he’d ever deviated from that was when he held me throughout the night.

  Although I knew they needed to crash, I felt bad that I hadn’t been able to see Lucas again, even if only to wish him sweet dreams.

  Then I remembered something Maxie had taught me before Lucas’s death, and smiled. Maybe I could tell him good night after all.

  I concentrated on Lucas’s sleeping form, hoping that he was dreaming. If I remembered right, it was a little like diving into a pool — thrusting downward, inward, every bit of me in one taut line — Instantly, I was within Lucas’s dream.

  The surroundings were familiar — this was the records room at the top of the north tower. A few filmy cobwebs clouded the corners of the room, and sepia gold pages were scattered about here and there. Mrs. Bethany used this only to store records of no use to her any longer, report cards from 1853 and similar stuff.

  However, a lor had happened here in recent years. This was where Lucas had fought — and killed — Erich, a vampire who had stalked Raquel. This was where Balthazar and I had sought clues to Mrs. Bethany’s ultimate plan. And here Lucas and I had reunited after he’d learned that I was the child of vampires. He had accepted me no matter what, just as I had accepted him.

  Good thing, too, I thought. Given how many things we’ve changed into since.

  Lucas stood at the window, staring out at the night sky. His hair was slightly longer, as it had been when we first met. I smiled, realizing as I did so that I had a body now, or whatever passed for one in the world of dreams. That meant I could take Lucas in my arms, and we could share everything that our waking hours denied us. Here, in sleep, we could be alone and safe.

  As I came closer to him, I noticed that he had a stake in one hand — strange, I thought. Then the door behind us opened.

  “Knock, knock.” To my astonishment, Erich walked through the door. “Raquel? Thanks for the invitation. Knew you couldn’t wait to see me.” His greedy expression shifted into annoyance as he glimpsed Lucas at the window; I couldn’t tell whether he saw me or not. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Waiting to see whether I can forge Raquel’s handwriting well enough to get you up here,” Lucas said. He walked right past me without a glance. Apparently I didn’t play a role in this dream. “Looks like that’s a yes.”

  “You played some stupid joke to get me alone? What are you, some kind of fag?”

  “It would be your lucky day if I were.” Lucas circled Erich, his entire body tensed and ready. The second that he stood between Erich and the door, he let Erich see the stake. “But it’s not your lucky day.”

  “Black Cross,” Erich spat.

  “Vampire,” Lucas said, with a hatred so deep it seemed to reverberate within his bones.

  They lunged at each other, predator and hunter. I cried out as they tumbled to the floor, Erich’s hands closing around Lucas’s throat.

  This isn’t real, I told myself, but that Wasn’t exactly true. No doubt this was Lucas’s memory of his final fight with Erich. I’d never doubted that Lucas had done what he had to do, but I’d never realized how dangerous it had been for him. How frightened he must have been, for the nightmares to keep coming back.

  As Lucas and Erich grappled, Raquel’s tawny leather bracelet fell to tthe floor. It must have been in Erich’s pocket. Lucas shoved Erich away, hard, and gasped, “Taking trophies? Marking your prey?”

  “Raquel’s going to be mine,” Erich said. His fangs were out, misshaping his smile. “I’d have had her weeks ago if your stupid girlfriend hadn’t gotten in the way.”

  “Then I’m doing this just in time.” Lucas kicked one of rickety towers of old boxes, sending it toppling down onto Erich. But Erich, like any monster in a dream, suddenly seemed to be standing somewhere else and attacked Lucas from another dir·ection altogether.

  “Did you know your girlfriend’s one of us, too?” Erich taunted, as he got his hands around Lucas’s throat. “Or are you stupid enough not to notice You’re screwing a vampire?”

  “Leave Bianca — out of this!” Lucas choked, pushing Erich away.

  Erich just grinned. “I’m not leaving her out of it. Everything I do to you up here? She’s going to get double. Before I’m done, you’ll be dead, and she’ll be worse than dead. So much worse.”

  That made Lucas lose it; his fighting focus shook as he gave in to anger. “I will never let you hurt her.” He stabbed at Erich, a wild punch; Erich dodged it with the unearthly power of the nightmare.

  It’s a dream, I reminded myself forcefully. You can appear to Lucas in his dreams. just break into this and change it. Take this dream back for the two of you.

  “Lucas?” I called, daring to step closer to the fight. It Wasn’t as though Erich could hurt me. “Lucas, it’s Bianca. Look at me. just look at me!”

  “I think he’s busy,” Charity said.

  I turned to see her perched on another tower of boxes, wearing a cobwebby gray dress, her hair in a rat’s nest of tangles. She might have been one of the gargoyles — the most monstrous one. Charity grinned at me, eyes glinting in the night like a eat’s.

  Of course Lucas dreamed about her, too. She’d killed him. But how many monsters would I have to banish from Lucas’s dreams just to win a few hours for us?

  “Lucas!” I shouted. I threw myself toward the fray, sliding betveen Lucas and Erich. “Look at me!”

  “Bianca?” Lucas looked horrified. “What are you doing here?”

  Erich’s hands seized me from behind, strong as steel. “Hey, Lucas — want to watch your girlfriend suffer?”

  “No!” Lucas grabbed me, pulling me back. The struggle felt totally real.

  “Lucas, he can’t kill me,” I said as I tried to twist out of Erich’s grip. His fingers felt like claws digging into my flesh; it was difficult to remind myself that this wasn’t real. “He can’t hurt you either. It’s a dream. Don’t you remember?”

  He couldn’t hear me. Panic had gripped him — his fear for my life far greater than it had ever been for his. “Bianca, hang on!”

  Lucas kept trying to swing at Erich with his stake, but Erich dragged me that way and this, using my body to block them. “You’re going to be the one to kill her, hunter,” Erich sneered. “You’ll cremate her to stop the pain. You know those old stories they told you in Black Cross? About the worst torture you can work on a vampire? Soak the stake in holy water, stab them deep so the holy water sinks into their blood — and then they’re paralyzed forever. Can’t wake up, can’t move. They just lie there feeling like they’re burning alive for all eternit
y.”

  “I never did that,” Lucas panted. “Not even to scum like you. You, I’m just gonna kill.”

  “I’m going to try it.” Erich spoke into the side of my face; I could feel his cool undead breath against my neck. “I’m going to do it to Bianca. She’ll be like Sleeping Beauty, but you’ll know she’s not sleeping. You’ll know she’s burning forever. Nobody else will be able to hear her screaming, but I bet you will.”

  “You won’t get the chance,” Lucas swore, but I could see his fear mounting. When he risked his own life, he could stay calm; when it came to me, he lost it.

  Finally I lunged forward, pulling myself free of Erich’s grasp. Sharp lines of pain lashed my shoulder — Erich’s fingernails, I thought — but I didn’t care as I fell to the floor. Lucas flung himself at Erich, sending them both toppling down. The battle was furious now, blood from open cuts spattering onto the stone wall.

  My silver, shining blood oozed between my fingertips. It glistened on the floor, mingling with Lucas’s red blood in a way that seemed beautiful, almost mesmerizing.

  Snap out of it! I told myself. I was in shock.

  “Oh, this is fun,” Charity laughed from her place atop the boxes. She clapped her hands like a little girl who’s just seen her birthday cake. “Save her, Lucas! Save her while you still can! Or .. . maybe you can ‘ t?”

  Lucas’s face took on an expression I recognized, though I’d only seern it once before. I could never have forgotten it — the look of pure torment he’d worn at my bedside the night I died.

  At that moment I realized that I couldn’t break him out of this memory. I couldn’t do anything in this dream except make it more frightening for Lucas. That meant I had to leave.

  I closed myself away from sight. Away from him. When I could see again, I stood in his dark dorm room, at the foot of his bed. Lucas twisted beneath his sheets, then slumped, drifting from the nightmare to deeper, dreamless sleep.

  At least it’s over, I told myself. Yet even in my ethereal form, I could feel physical pain; that had never happened before. Confused, I glanced at my burning, aching shoulder.