Evil Fairies Love Hair

by Mary G. Thompson

  “And now for some cake!” cried Bunny, and the imps jumped into the pile as one, sending clippings floating into the air in an exuberant cloud.

  Later that night, when the imps were full of hair and sleeping peacefully, Bunny leaned over the edge of her top bunk (which was just a little bit higher than everyone else’s top bunk) and whispered, “Lockner. Are you awake?”

  “Yes, Miss,” said Lockner sleepily. Whenever Bunny wished to talk, which was often, he was awake.

  “Do you remember our first birthday party?”

  “Yes, Miss,” said Lockner.

  “It was everything I’d dreamed of,” said Bunny. “Worth all the travel and trial and tears it took to find the Eternal Imp and the Great Book.”

  Lockner rolled over. It was a good story, but he had already heard it many times. “Mmm-hmm,” he said.

  “I was so sick of that perfect little girl, Virginia, I would have done it even if it cost me my magic.” Bunny leaned back on her pillow. “How could the fates be so cruel as to tie a great, noble imp like me to that disgusting creature?”

  “What was so bad about her, Miss?” asked Lockner for the thousandth time.

  “Lockner, there was never a child who was more good. Day after day after day, little Virginia ate all her vegetables, did all her homework, and never talked back. She never threw a tantrum or said a mean word to anyone. She was as generous as a saint and as pretty as a being with tiny eyes can be. I had to dole out reward after reward to the sweet little angel. I saved her from nasty falls, sweetened her boring healthy cereal, and made her mother forget to limit her TV. And that wasn’t all! The urchin was so good that I was forced to give extreme rewards. I had to grant her even greater beauty, prodigious musical talent, and the starring role in her school play.”

  “She must have done something bad,” said Lockner.

  “Aha, you’d think so! But no. One time I was sure I was finally going to be able to punish her. Another child flew into a rage and slapped Virginia in the face. But what did that little saint do? She hugged the other child and said, ‘I’m so sorry you’re upset. Would you like some ice cream?’ That was the last straw! I knew I couldn’t live that way another minute.”

  “Oh my goodness,” said Lockner. Even after many tellings, this part of the story never failed to make him shiver. A life with no punishments? How horrible! No wonder Bunny had been the one to help them break their unfair ties to children.

  “So I thought about the old stories,” said Bunny. “I remembered the legend of Impoliptus, the one we all learned from our flock starters at an early age. A long time ago, before our flock starters and their flock starters lived,” Bunny began. As she spoke, Lockner mouthed the words. When he had first heard the ancient legend, he had never imagined that it was really true.“Divvy-imps were not Divvy-imps yet,” Bunny continued. “Our ancestors were wild imps, living off the land and not tied to the humans. These wild imps lived by the ocean to the west of here. They fished and scavenged for edible plants, but that work was quick. The rest of their days they spent frolicking. They swam in the salt water, tormented sea creatures, or sunned themselves on the sweet sand.

  “They were happy like this, never knowing any different. But one day an imp came walking out of the forest. This imp, whose name was Impoliptus, carried with him a giant book. It covered his whole back, and he was doubled over as he walked. At this time, no one had seen an imp from the outside before. They had not even known that other imps existed.

  “Impoliptus took the book from his back and set it on top of a great rock. And when he stood up straight, he stood a full inch above the other imps. ‘I have great wisdom to impart,’ said Impoliptus. And he proceeded to read from the Great Book of the Imps, which explained that imps were truly capable of powerful magic. The imps could have control over the humans, who were encroaching on their pristine beaches. They did not have to live in the open, but could live in the great houses the humans built. They could eat roast beef instead of tiny sea creatures and grasses.

  “Now, the imps didn’t know what roast beef was, of course, but Impoliptus described it as a great delicacy, which, as we know, was no lie. All the imps needed to do to obtain this great power, said Impoliptus, was to voluntarily participate in the ceremony described in the Great Book. And the imps, so the story goes, were astounded and honored by the reward they were offered, and they performed the ritual with hearts full of gladness.”

  “Some are naughty, some are nice,” Lockner whispered.

  “Yes,” said Bunny. “Impoliptus produced a sack full of human fingernail clippings, and he placed a clipping on each imp’s head. Nail clippings are similar to hair, you see—they contain the essence of human power. The imps climbed into a pyramid, with Impoliptus on the very top, holding the Great Book, and they chanted:

  “Some are naughty

  Some are nice

  Some are almost six feet high

  Most are mixture

  Good and bad

  Most need coal as well as pie

  Most need fun with their black eyes!

  Children!

  We live for children!

  Children!

  They come from children!”

  “The imps clutched their nail-clipping headdresses and jumped as one out of their pyramid. When they hit the sand beneath them, Impoliptus was gone, and the book along with him. All that was left of him was a long arrow in the sand, pointing away from the ocean, toward the imps’ new homes, toward their new lives of great magic.”

  The two imps lay in silence for a minute, contemplating the story. What did it mean, that they had once been free? Had Impoliptus tricked their ancestors into giving up their freedom, or had he given them the beginnings of something great? Were they now on the right track, on their way to complete un-enslavement?

  “So what did you do, Miss?” Lockner asked. Now that he was fully awake, he was lost in the story, imagining that it was he who had gone on Bunny’s journey, he who had found the great Impoliptus.

  “There was another part to the legend,” said Bunny. “A part that one of my flock starters told me in secret, after the other imps had gone to bed. He knew I was destined for greatness, you see. He said that after Impoliptus had completed his revered work of binding the imps to their great magic—and to children—he retired to a cave ‘where sky meets sea.’ And that was all my flock starter could tell me. No one knew where this cave was. But I knew I could find it. I had to! I would read the Great Book of the Imps, and I would find the spell that would reverse the magic and set the imps free from children once and for all!”

  “How did you find it?” Lockner whispered.

  “I thought about it and thought about it,” Bunny said. “Until I almost despaired. I had no idea where the ocean was. No imp had returned to the sea since the time of the Enslavement. But I listened to my family. I paid attention to every detail of every conversation, every word written and read in that house. And finally it came. ‘Let’s go to the coast for the weekend,’ said Virginia’s mother, just like that.

  “So that Saturday morning, they all piled into the car—Virginia, her mother and father, and their dog, Boot. Oh, that dog was a hairy mess. Those perfect people couldn’t be troubled to give him a bath, could they? And of course, dogs can see us half the time. It took two long, miserable hours. That dog chased me around the backseat, dripping hair and spit. Once, I jumped into the front seat, but Boot jumped after me and nearly caused an accident. I don’t need to tell you what would have happened to me if the little princess had bought it. That would have been the end of me too. So I had to suffer in the backseat, being chased and drooled on, listening to Virginia laughing every time Boot jumped.

  “Once they finally stopped the car, I had no easy task. I didn’t know where on the human maps the old imp homeland was. I risked great danger separating from my child. It was unheard of, unimagined, the riskiest separation ever undertaken by a modern imp. With only my memory of the stories told by m
y flock starters to guide me, I began walking the vast, untamed shoreline.”

  Lockner imagined himself walking the shoreline, felt the pains of separation.

  “It took all day and all night,” Bunny went on. “I had to draw on magic I’d never known I could use for my own purposes. Dig deep into the fabric of my inner strength. And then, all of a sudden, I knew where I was. There were the dunes our flock starters had sung about.”

  Lockner didn’t remember any singing, but he remembered the stories about the old frolicking days of free impdom. He let out a small sigh.

  “I felt our ancestors in the air. This was where they’d swum in the water and sunned themselves on the beach. Though I have to say, it was a little cold for that. The Great Impoliptus, or at least his Great Book of the Imps, had to be around there somewhere. I just needed to find this place ‘where sky meets sea.’ It sounded so simple that I wondered what the big mystery was all about. I walked down to the water and looked around. There was the sky and there was the sea. But no one was there except a pesky crab that tried to poke me with its unsanitary claw. I walked up and down the beach, calling out ‘Great Imp! Great Imp!’ like a crazy imp, until night began to fall again and I sat down in the receding water, utterly exhausted.

  “You cannot imagine my feelings then, Lockner. Separated from my child, feeling the pains that accompany rewards not given—as if ants were eating my arms off.”

  She wasn’t exaggerating. Rewards not given were the worst. Punishments not doled out only caused a little tickle.

  “It began to rain then. I was exhausted and already soaking wet and in pain. I had to find somewhere to rest before heading back to find Virginia. I dragged myself away from the ocean toward a pile of boulders near the cliff edge. I hoped that being small, I might find a nook or cranny where I could wait out the rain.

  “It was a long wet slog, and I was almost ready to drop into the sand and be buried in it, when I heard a female imp voice. ‘See!’ the imp cried. ‘See! See!’

  “‘Hello!’ I shouted back. My voice must have been barely audible, I was so tired and thirsty. But an imp appeared from behind a rock. ‘See!’ she called, and she waved me forward. The sight of this welcoming imp, with her lovely seaweed dress and flowing imp hair, buoyed my spirits just enough. I pressed forward and climbed up the last hill of sand, until I was standing before her. She was a vision, Lockner. A veritable angel of impness.

  “‘Come with me,’ said this angel. And I followed her over a miraculously dry path through the rocks to a cave. It was a warm, dry space hidden from outside view by an overhang. The entrance was only wide enough for a single imp to pass through, but inside, the cave was large and majestic, not like a cave at all. It was furnished like a human house, with thick white carpet (perfectly clean, mind you), a lovely living-room set, and a full-sized bunk bed. Three imps could have slept on either of these wonderful mattresses, yet these two imps apparently each had one for themselves.

  “Yes, there were two imps, for now that I was inside, I saw a male imp standing in front of those very beds, watching me with a solemnity and grace that I knew could mean only one thing: this was Impoliptus, the Great Imp of the stories. I knew then and there that the stories were all true.”

  Lockner listened, rapt. The Great Imp, Impoliptus himself! If only he could have been there.

  “The Great Imp’s hair reached below his chin, and it was thick and black, yet it never blocked a micron of his face as he walked forward to meet me. ‘You are Bunniumpton,’ he said. ‘I have been waiting for you to come.’ I was speechless for a moment, staring at him. I couldn’t believe that he had said my name, my full name, as if he knew me. ‘Is this where sky meets sea?’ I asked. ‘It is where Sky shouts, “See!’” said the Great Imp solemnly. ‘Perhaps the imps did not hear me quite right in their hurry to embrace their new lives. This is my sister, Sky. Each night she goes to the edge of the rocks and shouts, in case any of our flock have chosen to return to us.’ The female imp bowed slightly to me and smiled. ‘Have a seat,’ she said, ‘and we will talk.’

  “We talked all night, Lockner. The Great Imp warned me never to repeat what was said then. But when the morning broke, he brought the Great Book of the Imps out of thin air, and with great ceremony, he gave it to me. ‘It is time for the next chapter of the Story of the Imps,’ he said. ‘The imps have grown past their ties to children. They deserve all the birthday parties and toys that children have. Go and perform the un-enslavement ritual, Bunniumpton. You shall be the Grand Miss of the Flock. Go forth and take your place at the head of this great leap forward for Impkind.’

  “So I thanked the Great Imp and went to meet Virginia and her parents. I gave Virginia her weekend’s worth of rewards, knowing that my enslavement would soon be over. And here we are, celebrating a birthday party any time we want!”

  Always for the Grand Miss and never for us, thought Lockner. Still, it was nice to be done with handing out rewards to children. Even the worst children were sweet sometimes, and he’d certainly had enough of that. If only they weren’t stuck with this business of the hair. He rubbed his bald head. He’d had luscious locks himself, once. His head would have rivaled the Great Imp’s before the ritual. He sighed. Life was such a sacrifice, even now.

  “Goodnight, Lockner,” said the Grand Miss.

  “Goodnight, Miss,” said Lockner. “Happy birthday.”

  Bunny said nothing. She was remembering the solemn words of the Great Imp. The magical universe is governed by many rules, Bunniumpton. Some are easy to follow and some are hard. Some make sense and some make little. But you must follow them. They are the rules that created us and keep us strong. If you do not follow the rules, neither I nor the Great Book nor all the imps, fairies, and other sprites combined can protect you from your folly. “I understand, Great Imp,” Bunny had said. “I have always followed the rules.”

  Bunny rolled over onto her side. There was only a little light from the street, but she could see all her imps lying peacefully in their bunk beds. Soon, they would have houses of their own and real beds. And roast beef and ham and mashed potatoes and strawberries. Soon they would be ready for the Replacement, the spell that would make the imps big once and for all.

  Ten

  “More,” a baby fairy whined.

  “I don’t have any more. I just brought you lots of nice hair.” She’d given them a little bit of Crista’s hair that was left over from last night, plus some of her mother’s, plus everything she’d collected from the drains at home and in the school locker room.

  “More.”

  “There are twenty-five of us now,” said Pilose. Her long fingers spread over the baby’s chest, holding him back. The other twenty-three fairies poked their heads out of the three mounds.

  “Well, I have to think of a way to get more,” said Ali. “It doesn’t help that I can’t use my own. Why is that, anyway?”

  “You are our child,” said Pilose.

  “That still doesn’t explain—” Ali stopped as she saw Michael’s eyes peering over the fence. “I have to go to school now. You’ve had plenty of hair for this morning. I’ll get you some more this afternoon, okay? Way before midnight.” She picked up her backpack from the ground and slung it over one shoulder.

  “Soon,” said Pilose.

  “Hair.”

  “Hair.”

  “Hair.”

  Ali rushed out of the yard and onto the sidewalk, where Michael was waiting. Even though she couldn’t hear them anymore, she still felt the word. Hair. She had to figure something out before afternoon, but that wasn’t her first priority right now.

  “Ooh, look who’s with his girlfriend again,” said Deacon, pushing past Michael and nearly knocking Ali over.

  “Hey, watch it,” Ali said.

  “Deeeeacon!” Hannah trilled from behind Ali. She threw her dainty arms around Deacon’s bulky body.

  Ali rolled her eyes.

  “Come on, goober,” said Deacon. “You’re gonna
get expelled if you miss any more days.” He punched Michael on the arm as he walked past them holding Hannah’s hand.

  “I have to help Ali rescue a couple kids from some evil fairies first,” said Michael. “I’ll write up an excuse later.”

  “If you skip school, I’m telling Mom,” said Hannah. She ran her hand through her hair and glared at Ali.

  “I think your hair looks great short,” said Deacon.

  “They didn’t hear a word about the fairies, did they?” Ali asked, watching them walk away obliviously.

  “Not a word,” said Michael. “Wish we knew what they did hear.”

  Quiet footsteps sounded behind Ali. She turned around.

  “Hi,” said Jennifer.

  She was trailed by Crista. The two of them had never liked each other, and it didn’t look like they were going to start now. Crista stayed a good three feet back.

  “Crista, no, you can’t help. You’ve done enough already,” Ali said.

  “I can’t just sit around and wait to find out what happens to you.” She flipped her uneven but still long hair. “What if you never come back?”

  “Is anyone else coming?” asked Jennifer.

  “I called Natalie Buckmaster and Jonathan Yeager, but they wouldn’t help,” said Ali. “Then I called Beth Pickler—you know, the girl with all the allergies? But she acted like I was trying to sell her Girl Scout cookies. She can’t really have forgotten. I mean, she’s still in eighth grade.”

  “She’s just chicken,” said Jennifer. “She wished for invincibility, but the fairies said that was too greedy, and they threatened her with a greed-hex. I don’t know what that is, but she changed her wish to improvement in health. Now she’s not allergic to anything. She could probably eat rat poison if she wanted to.”