Undeniable Rush

by S. C. Stephens

  Shaking my head, I gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Keep that up, and those love handles won’t be far behind.”

  Licking his fingers, he suggestively wriggled his eyebrows. “I’ll just have to work them off then.” His face immediately shifted. “When you’re ready, of course.”

  Right…when I was ready. Ready to fully entrust my heart to him, ready to let go. Nikki’s advice rang through my head, compounding my confusion. If you keep holding him back, then what’s the point of being together? I knew she was right, but I wasn’t there yet. Turning away from him, I quickly said, “We should get started. I’ll go grab the boxes.”

  Hayden didn’t say anything as I left the room, and I felt the silence between us, like a cold, wet blanket covering my skin, weighing me down. I hated this, and I felt like even though I was sure Hayden would wait as long as I asked, the countdown on our relationship had begun. I either let him in…or I let him go. Both options scared me, and even though Hayden wasn’t pressuring me in any way, I felt like I was trapped inside an hourglass, struggling to remain calm as the sand began to bury me.

  When I rejoined Hayden in his bedroom a few minutes later, he didn’t seem fazed at all by me running away from him. In fact, he seemed downright cheery as I started opening the boxes; his joy made me feel better. We were fine…we’d get through this.

  Grabbing some clothes off his bed, he told me, “It’s going to be so nice to be close to you again, close to the track again. That commute was killing me. Plus, Tony was getting really tired of me borrowing his car every day. His newfound generous attitude only goes so far.”

  He laughed as he started tossing clothes into a box. “What are you going to drive now?” I asked.

  Hayden paused with his lips pursed. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ll have to find something soon though.”

  Chewing on my lip, I told him, “You could ride my street bike? I’ve got my truck, so technically, I don’t need it.”

  Hayden shook his head before I even finished. “No, we’re going slow, taking things easy. I don’t want you to feel obligated to help me.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “So, I can’t ever help my boyfriend?”

  Tossing me a one-sided smile, he said, “You’re helping me right now.”

  Lifting an eyebrow, I waited for a real answer to my question. With a sigh, he stopped working and faced me. “I don’t want to take any sort of handout from you right now, Kenzie. I’m not blind. I know we’re not 100 percent back to normal. And I don’t want something to come between us while we’re still so…fragile. No resentments, no hard feelings, no bitterness, no…anything. I don’t want you to feel like I’m taking advantage of you or taking something from you.” He cracked a small smile. “And besides…it’s about time I stood on my own two feet. I want to do this by myself.”

  What he had to say about us not being 100 percent hurt to hear, but I knew he was right. And maybe he was also right about not adding any more complicated feelings to our relationship, although I didn’t think I’d ever feel like he was taking advantage of me. “I understand wanting to make it on your own. That’s one of the reasons why I purchased my own Ducatis, instead of letting my father buy them.”

  Hayden grinned. Shrugging my shoulders, I asked him, “Can I at least help you look for something?”

  His grin was infectious. “Of course.”

  As I’d predicted, it didn’t take long to gather everything of Hayden’s and pack it into my truck. He just didn’t have that much stuff. I wondered if Hayden’s habit of living light would change as he continued fully embracing the roots he was putting down. Roots that still included me, thankfully.

  After saying goodbye to Hookup, we got in my truck and made the trek back to Oceanside. Now that Hayden was sure I was okay with him moving in with my best friend, there was an excited energy about him. He bounced in his seat, drummed his fingers to the music as he hummed along to the radio, and he wouldn’t stop grinning. He was excited for this transition, eager to turn a new page in his life. In our lives.

  Even with my flip-flopping emotions, I was excited about this too. “I’m so glad this is happening today. I’m glad you’re not going to be so far away now.”

  Hayden swung his dazzling smile my way. “I know. Even though Hookup is better company now than he used to be, it was lonely there. I missed you.”

  He reached over and put his hand on my knee, and my heart skipped a beat. “I missed you, too,” I quietly told him. And in some ways, I still missed him. I missed us…what we were. Hopefully, what we could be again.

  Sooner than I expected, we pulled up to Nikki’s place. Her apartment was just a few blocks from my house. Luckily, it had two bedrooms, so Hayden would have his own space, at least until the baby got bigger.

  I parked the truck beside Nikki’s tiny smart car. She’d probably have to get something bigger soon. On the other side of Nikki’s vehicle was a car that belonged to someone I hadn’t expected to see today: Myles. Seeing him here made me grin. He was already trying to be a good father by supporting Nikki during this could-be-awkward change. Either that, or he was bored.

  Hopping out of the truck, Hayden and I each grabbed a box, then made our way to Nikki’s first floor apartment. When I got to the door, I could hear low and intense voices inside. It was kind of unusual, considering Myles was in there with her. Generally, all I heard was laughter when those two were together. “Nik,” I yelled, banging on her door with my toe. “We’re here.”

  The voices continued, but no one acknowledged me. “Nik?” I called again.

  Finally, the voices drifted closer. As the door opened inward, I heard Myles saying, “I know, but that doesn’t mean I have to like…” His voice trailed off as he stared at Hayden and me in the now-open doorway.

  “Don’t have to like what?” I asked.

  Myles shot a brief glance at Hayden before tossing on a carefree smile. “Nothing. Glad you guys are here.”

  I looked over at Nikki in the doorway just in time to see her roll her eyes. “Come on in,” she said, stepping back so we could enter.

  Tension laced the room as I glanced between my two best friends, who had obviously been arguing about something. Or someone. “Is this a bad time?” I asked, repositioning the box in my hands.

  Nikki shook her head, her long, dark ponytail bouncing around her shoulders. “Of course not. I’ll show you to your new room, Hayden.”

  As she waved him inside, I noticed how unmistakable her pregnancy was now. Either she was finally wearing clothes that fit her, or her body had decided it was free to expand since we all knew about the baby now. I also noticed Myles’s scowl when Hayden followed Nikki down the hallway.

  I waited for the two of them to be out of earshot, then rounded on Myles. “What’s going on?”

  His face instantly corrected itself. “Nothing. This is awesome. Totally…awesome.”

  A frown curved my lips as I stared at him. “You said you were fine with Hayden. That you’d forgiven him.”

  He shook his head. “I have, and it’s not him, per se.” He pointed down the hallway, where I could hear Hayden and Nikki talking. “It’s just, that’s my kid growing in there, and that’s my…” Pressing his lips together, he paused. “It’s just weird having a guy living here, is all. Nikki’s always been…single…for the most part. She’s never had anything serious anyway.”

  “Well, Hayden’s not here to move in on Nikki, if that’s what you’re worried about. If it will ease your mind, just think of him as a girl.” I cringed the minute the words left my mouth.

  Myles grinned at me. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

  “And I can’t believe you’re jealous,” I countered.

  His expression instantly shifted into annoyance. “I’m not jealous. It’s just…weird. I’m weirdous, and that’s completely different.”

  I couldn’t keep the smirk off my face. “Uh-huh.”

  “Kenzie?” Nikki shouted. “You get lost? It
’s not a very long hallway.”

  Still smiling, I told her, “On my way.”

  Myles rolled his eyes and stayed in the living room as I took my box down the hallway.

  Hayden and I made two more trips to my truck, and that was all it took to unload all of Hayden’s things. Once we were in his new—but small—bedroom, I looked around and frowned. “You don’t have a bed. Or a dresser. You don’t have much of…anything.”

  Hayden smiled as he sat on a box. “I guess that means we’re done. Looks like I’ll be living out of boxes for a while.”

  I frowned, not happy with that answer. “You can’t sleep on boxes.”

  Standing, Hayden walked over to me and put his hands on my arms. “I’ll sleep on the couch until I get a bed. I’ll be fine.”

  Still unhappy about his situation, I shook my head. “Why don’t you have anything? I mean, I know Keith supplied a lot of your stuff when you lived with him, but what about before then? Haven’t you ever had stuff?”

  Now Hayden frowned. “When Felicia and I…lived together, yes… I had stuff. But after she left, and it became very clear to me that she wasn’t coming back… I kind of had a bonfire.”

  Even while a stab of pain went through me at hearing her name again, my mouth dropped open in surprise. “You burned all your stuff? All your furniture?”

  Hayden nodded. “Hookup and Grunts helped me. It was kind of…cathartic…what I can remember of it anyway.” A small laugh escaped him, and then he shrugged. “After that, I just didn’t want to have anything I couldn’t leave behind at a moment’s notice. I wanted to be as mobile as possible. I felt that way for a long time, which is why I think I let Keith give me so much. It didn’t feel permanent, because it wasn’t mine. But now… I want permanence. I’m ready for it.” Inhaling a deep breath, he smiled. “I’m ready for a bed. And, maybe, a dresser.”

  Smiling wide, I wrapped my arms around his neck. He lifted an eyebrow before encircling me in a hug. “Transportation comes first though. I’d rather get a kink in my neck than have to get a ride everywhere.”

  “Did I hear you say you needed transportation?” Nikki asked, appearing in the doorway with a plate of cookies. “Hungry?”

  We both turned to look at her, and my mouth popped open again. Nikki didn’t bake. She noticed my expression, and her cheeks flushed. Giving Hayden a pointed glance, she immediately said, “This isn’t typical of living here. I don’t supply food. Just wine…which I can’t have anymore…” A soft sigh escaped her.

  Hayden laughed, then took a cookie from her plate. I frowned as he popped it into his mouth. All he’d had today was fat and carbs. You sure couldn’t tell he had bad eating habits from his body though. Damn high metabolism. “I don’t expect anything from you, Nikki. I can take care of myself. Now what were you saying about transportation?”

  Myles appeared behind her. Stepping into the doorway beside Nikki, he also grabbed cookies—three of them. Before the next season started, I was going to have to talk to my team about properly fueling their bodies. “I think she means me. I’m looking to sell my old street bike.” He flashed a meaningful look at Nikki. “Priorities and all.” Returning his eyes to Hayden, he said, “Anyway, are you looking to buy?”

  Hayden grinned at me, then turned to face Myles. “Yeah. I’d love to take it out for a spin. Can we go now?”

  He looked over at me for approval, and I smiled and nodded. “Sounds great.” The more the four of us socialized together, the less awkward this would be for everyone.

  Myles seemed unsure, but Nikki was thrilled about the idea. “Yeah, let’s do it! We can stop by Kenzie’s and pick up her bike, then we can all four go for a ride together. Assuming you’re fine with Myles riding your bike, Kenzie?”

  I was just about to tell her sure, when Myles shook his head. “No way. You can’t ride a bike right now.”

  Nikki and I crossed our arms at the same time. “Why can’t I?” Nikki asked, heat in her tone.

  In answer, Myles pointed at her stomach. Nikki’s expression heated even more. “Up until a few days ago, you didn’t even know I was pregnant, and now you’re telling me what I can and can’t do?”

  Myles tossed his hands into the air. “It’s not my fault you didn’t tell me the instant you knew. And actually, I’m still kind of ticked about that. So, yeah, I think that gives me an extra say in the matter. Like I get two votes and you get one.”

  Nikki’s eyes widened. “What? That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Kelley…and I’ve heard you say some pretty stupid things.”

  Hayden shifted on his feet. “It’s okay, we don’t have to—”

  Nikki pointed a finger at him. “No! We’re going.” Shifting her attention back to Myles, she said, “I have a doctor’s appointment Wednesday. You’re going to come with me, and we’ll find out from a professional what I can and can’t do. Until then, I get all the votes, got it?”

  Myles sighed and rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he snipped. Then he grabbed the rest of the cookies and stormed from the room.

  Nikki closed her eyes, clearly counting to ten. When she reopened them, she gave me a tense smile. “He’s driving me nuts. Already.” Narrowing her eyes, she said, “If he doesn’t knock it off, you might need another rider soon.”

  I offered her as supportive a smile as I could. “I’ll talk to him, get him to relax. But maybe we should forgo the group ride until after your doctor’s appointment. Just…to keep the peace?”

  Nikki glared at me so hard, I felt the condemnation across my skin. “Fine,” she sneered, in the exact same tone Myles had used. Then she left the room, and I heard her bedroom door across the hall slam shut.

  Hayden sighed as he looked my way. “Like I said…it should be interesting living here.”

  Giving him a sympathetic smile, I said, “Why don’t you and Myles go test out the bike. I’ll stay here, try to calm Nikki down. It’s so strange seeing them fight like this. They’ve always been so…compatible.” Sadness washed over me as I realized how all of our relationships had shifted. Hayden and I were…different. Myles and Nikki were different. God, I hated change.

  Hayden kissed my cheek. “They’ll be fine. They just need time to…get used to how things are…now.”

  I knew from his tone and his face that he wasn’t really talking about Myles and Nikki anymore. My mood brightened as I nodded. Yes. Time would fix this, and time would fix us too.

  Hayden gave me a soft kiss full of meaning, full of promise, full of determination. When he pulled back, he cupped my cheeks, then kissed my forehead. I inhaled a deep, cleansing breath, filling myself with his strength, then I wished him good luck in his endeavor with Myles.

  He rolled his eyes at me as he walked out the door. “We’re gonna be riding bikes. We’ll be fine.” With a wink, he left me, so I could deal with my emotional best friend.

  I inhaled another deep breath before I made the attempt. As I knocked on her door, I heard Myles and Hayden leaving the apartment. They were both laughing, so that was a good start. “Nikki? Are you…okay?”

  I heard sniffling behind the closed wood. “Yep. I’m great.”

  With a sigh, I cracked open her door. “I know you’re not. Want to talk about it?”

  She quickly wiped her eyes dry, like she could hide her feelings from me. “Nothing to talk about, I’m peachy keen.”

  Sitting on the bed beside her, I put a hand on her knee. “I know you’re not. Come on…you’re always there for me, let me be there for you.”

  She sniffed again, then her deeply-tanned face swung my way. “It’s just… Myles and I were always on the same page. Always. But now, it’s almost like we’re strangers. Or worse, it’s like he doesn’t see me anymore, just what I’m…carrying.”

  Biting my lip, I debated what to say to her. “Myles is just trying to figure things out, same as you. And I’m sure it’s hard for him, since he’s…not really a part of the process anymore. He’s just worried, about both of you.”
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  Nikki gave me a reluctant smile. “I know. I just…miss how we used to be.”

  Slinging my arm around her shoulder, I pulled her into me. “I know how hard it can be, when you miss the past. Just know the future is going to be okay. You guys are going to be okay. I know it.”

  Her grin turned warmer. “You really think so?”

  No. But I hoped so. “Yeah… I do.”

  ***

  CHAPTER 3

  It didn’t take Hayden and me long to adjust to our new routine. Now that he lived so close to me, I would swing by his place every morning—usually waking him up—and we’d ride out to the track side by side, me on my bike, him on the bike he’d purchased from Myles.

  I found myself climbing into bed every night looking forward to that early morning ride with Hayden. In a small, satisfying way it reminded me of the old days, when we’d snuck out to the track to do a little midnight racing. But unlike those stolen night rides, we tried to stay close to the speed limit on our morning rides. Or somewhat close.

  Wednesday morning was different though. No, this morning Hayden was riding to the track alone, and I was going with Nikki to her very first doctor’s appointment. I knew she was a nervous wreck, as she’d already texted me six times this week, asking if she really needed to see someone this early in the pregnancy. My response to her was always the same: yes. If it were left entirely up to Nikki, I think she would wait until her water broke to meet the doctor. Whatever she could do to convince herself this wasn’t happening. Hopefully the appointment would firmly break through her wall of denial.

  Stepping up to her apartment door, I firmly rapped on the wood, then rang the doorbell. It would be just like Nikki to pretend she was sleeping and hadn’t heard me. She couldn’t ignore me with Hayden staying there, though, and I was positive I could wake him up if he was still sleeping. Or I could practice my more illicit skills and break in.

  As I waited for some sort of response, I listened hard for some sound of life. Nothing. Were they both still sleeping? I was just about to ring the doorbell again, when I heard a deep, gruff voice mutter, “Coming,” then heard the sounds of shuffling feet.