by Erin Noelle
I had asked him to take me, to make love to me; I had even told him I loved him so that he would without reservation. I was angry and hurt by Ash. I had felt lonely, desolate, abandoned. Mason’s touch, like always, made me feel coveted and cherished. I loved that he craved me; I needed him to love me.
I was an awful person. I was so much worse than Ash. I lied to Mason just so I wouldn’t be alone. I was afraid I would be alone forever. My relationship with my family was estranged. The guy I thought I was in love with was fucking other girls. And my best friend, the person I had spent nearly every day of my life with for over ten years, was dead. Mason was all I had left and because of my selfish behavior, I had ruined that too.
Mason making love to me was wonderful. He had been so gentle, so patient. He had made sure that I was taken care of in every way and was only interested in giving me the perfect first time. However, despite the physical and emotional fullness that I felt during those intimate moments, I had never felt emptier than when I woke up and had to face what I had done.
I started to have a mini-panic attack. My stomach knotted with anxiety, my mouth dried up, and my breathing became labored. I needed to get out of there, fast. I couldn’t deal with all of it at once. I managed to climb out of bed without waking Mason, thankful that he was such a heavy sleeper. My clothes were still in a wet pile on the bathroom floor so I put on a pair of Mason’s boxers and t-shirt that I found in the dryer. I grabbed my purse and keys that had been disposed of on the bar, and quietly let myself out the front door. It was still pouring rain and by the time I reached my car, I was a freezing wet mess once again.
I went straight to my room to change clothes and grab a few things. I didn’t know where I was going, but I was too much of a coward to stay at Mason’s and face him. I couldn’t stay another night in the dorm without Evie, and I sure the hell wasn’t calling Ash. After a hot shower, I threw on the first articles of clean clothing that I came across. I had desperately needed to do laundry and planned on catching up as soon as finals were over. I ended up in a pair cut off jean shorts and a Rice University hooded sweatshirt. I repacked my overnight back since the previous things in it had all gotten wet. I grabbed my acoustic guitar, threw on my boots because I couldn’t drive in wet flip flops, and headed out the door once again.
Once in the car, I plugged my ipod in and prepared myself for a long drive, I just wasn’t exactly sure where yet. The one thing I did know was that I needed to get as far away from Houston as possible, and I didn’t have any plans of returning. Ever.
Chapter 31
Eight Months Later
It was the Friday before the fall semester was to begin and I was headed east on I-10 towards Houston. It had been exactly a year prior that Evie and I had made this exact journey, excited and eager to begin our new lives. We had both envisioned four years together to experience college and all of the life-changing moments that came with it. From there we had assumed we would get good jobs, find loving husbands, have beautiful little babies, and of course, live happily-ever-after. But Evie’s death had changed everything.
An old Red Hot Chili Peppers song came on the radio and I paused my trip down memory lane to turn it up and sing along. It was one of Evie’s favorite songs, she always wanted me to play this song so she could sing it off-key and at an obnoxiously high volume. I smiled and felt the familiar tugging at my heart that I had come accustomed to when I thought about my best friend. It had taken me quite some time to get to the point of recalling old memories of Evie and not crying, and some days I still got a little teary-eyed when I thought about her, but for the most part, remembering our moments together filled me with love and gratitude.
I began to feel jittery and nervous when I passed the sign indicating that Houston was only seventy-one miles in front of me. In knew that in less than two hours, I would be in my new dorm room with Tessa, my new roommate. We hadn’t met in person before, but we had talked on the phone a few times and skyped once so that we would recognize each other. She seemed to be a sweet girl; she had come across as pretty quiet and very focused on her pre-med studies. Quiet and studious was exactly what I needed; the decision to get another roommate was a difficult one for me and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be all buddy-buddy with whomever it was. At first it had felt like I would be replacing Evie; I was so afraid of forgetting her if I moved on with my life. Eventually, with my therapist, I worked through these issues and realized that I would never forget Evie; that was impossible. The best way for me to honor her memory was to keep on living, doing things that she and I liked to do to together, listening to her favorite music, cooking her favorite foods.
When I had driven out of town on that life-changing night last December, I really had no idea where I was going. I just drove and drove and drove. The sun came up and I continued to drive. The sun went down and I was still driving. Finally, after I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer, I pulled off at a motel on the highway. I had no idea where I was. I was completely lost in every facet of my life ~ physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I checked into a room and fell asleep within thirty seconds of laying down. I didn’t even bother taking my shoes off or getting under the covers. The next morning when I woke up, I realized that I needed to first figure out where the hell I was and then I needed to come up with some sort of plan. I wasn’t going to live in Evie’s car like a vagabond across Texas. I turned my phone on for the first time since I had left in hopes that the GPS on it would give me an indication of where I was. I wasn’t prepared for the thirty voicemails and fifty something text messages that waited for me. When I had fled Ash’s house, Meg had called Jess who had called Evie’s parents who had called my parents. All of them had left messages trying to locate me and making sure that I was okay. Well, I had assumed that Ash’s messages were similar to the others because I refused to listen to them and deleted them before I changed my mind.
On top of those worried about my mental state due to the death of my best friend and me walking in on Ash having sex, was Mason calling wondering why I had left without saying anything. I listened to his messages because I felt that I at least owed that to him. I deserved to hear the hurt and heartbreak in his voice because I had selfishly deceived him, knowing that it would cause him pain. In his first voicemail, he sounded confused and understanding, but by the fifth one, he was downright pissed. He told me that I was an immature bitch and to never contact him again, he didn’t have the time to put up with my petty bull shit. I couldn’t blame him for feeling betrayed and hating me. I hated me for what I did to him.
Once I learned that I was right outside of Lubbock, I started calling everyone back to let them know that I was okay. My parents seemed bothered by the whole ordeal and told me to stop acting like a child and to return home immediately. Evie’s parents were more concerned about my entire well-being, but I assured them that I had just had a minor freak out and would be returning home later that day. I texted Meg and Jess to let them know that I was okay, but that I needed some time to myself. I sent Mason a text that simply said “I’m sorry,” but I never got a response. I had nothing to say to Ash.
After much internal debate and soul searching over the next several weeks, I ended up taking a semester leave from Rice. The school was more than understanding about the situation with Evie and gave me up to one year to return without having to re-apply. I moved in with my grandparents and focused on getting myself psychologically well. I began to see a therapist on a weekly basis and joined a support group for young adults who had lost a close friend or significant other. In addition to grieving Evie’s death, I also found that I needed to take control and responsibility for my own life. For way too long, I had used other people as a crutch to make my decisions. My parents had pushed that way of life upon me, but what I didn’t realize was that when I moved out, I had just replaced them with Evie. It had taken months and months of treatment and rehabilitation, but finally my healing process had reached a place where I felt comfort
able getting back to my life. It was important to me to return to Rice and get my degree. That had been a huge goal of Evie’s and now I owed it to her, to both of us, to fulfill that dream of ours.
So exactly one year later, I found myself pulling up in the same parking lot, preparing myself for my second chance at my life. I jumped out of my car, grabbed my suitcase, and hurried to my room. I had gotten a late start leaving my grandparents and it was already dark outside. I wanted to get unpacked quickly so that I could shower and change. I wanted to look my best for what I had planned to do that night. I had no idea of what kind of reception I could expect.
It was after midnight when I finally pulled up to the familiar warehouse, the parking lot was packed which I had assumed it would be. Most students were getting back in town this week and everyone was looking to go out and party before school started up again. I had not texted nor talked to either Ash or Mason since I had left. I had changed my number within a week of the meltdown, so I wasn’t sure if either of them had tried to contact me or not.
Eight months. It had been eight months and I was nervous as hell to see either of them, much less both of them at the same time. However, I knew they were both there, I saw Ash’s car when I pulled in and Mason’s bike was parked up by the door. I knew there was a good chance that they were both probably there with someone else and I had vowed to myself to not make a scene. I wasn’t looking to cause any problems. I had come to say my piece and when I was finished, I would accept whatever response or reaction they had. I had prepared myself for anything~ they could ignore me and not give me the time of day or they could go bat-shit crazy screaming at me about what a bitch I was. Whatever happened, I knew that I needed to do this.
I had hoped for a large crowd, it was easier to hide myself in all of the people. I wanted to have a drink for a bit of liquid courage before going through with my plan. I found a seat at the bar furthest away from where Mason and his crew usually sat next a couple of other girls. I kept my eyes downward at the bar as I sipped my beer; I did not want to make eye contact with anyone in case it was someone I knew or who recognized me.
There was a girl up on stage that I remembered from when I used to hang out there. She had a beautiful voice and was equally talented with the keyboard. I knew that she was usually slotted close to the end of the lineup on open mic Fridays so I wouldn’t have to wait long. When she was finished, the announcer introduced the next musician as a guy at the back of the stage area began walking forward. If I had thought I was prepared to see Ash again, I was wrong. I sucked in a deep breath as a wave of emotions crashed over me. There he stood, in all of his glorious surf-bum wonder, dressed in his signature khaki cargos, button down guevara shirt, and flip flops. His hair still hung long and shaggy in his face and just looking at it made me want to push it back behind his ears.
As always, Ash pulled a stool up on stage, he hated playing while standing up, and made himself comfortable. The girl sitting next to me leaned over to her friend and said not so quietly, “Here we go again with butterfly boy.”
Her friend gave her a questioning look, “What are you talking about? Is he gay? All the hot ones are always gay.” She muttered the last sentence shaking her head.
“No, he’s not gay, stupid ass. I call him butterfly boy because he always sings that damn butterfly song and has that tattoo on his arm.”
My head shot up and my eyes scanned his arms. My stomach dropped to the floor when I saw the same tattoo that donned my left calf inked on his left forearm. How did he know? I never even got a chance to tell him that night about it. My mind started swirling and it took everything in me to remain seated at the bar and collect myself before reacting foolishly.
I took slow and steady breaths until I felt my body relax a bit, and then I took a huge drink of my beer. I didn’t need to get drunk by any means, but my nerves needed some drowning, quickly. Hearing his voice again was another huge test of my will, and it almost broke me. Almost.
Ash walked off the back of the stage and I saw him glare over at whoever was taking the stage next. My eyes followed his heated stare and I found Mason returning the sentiment with a glower just as fierce. Ash stepped off the single step and moved directly into the arms of a busty blonde waiting for him. Some things never change. The girl next to me piped up again, “Now this is what I’m talking about. That’s Rat,” she explained to her friend. “His brother owns this place and he’s like the rock god around here. He’s the lead singer for Jobu’s Rum, but he always sings solo on Fridays.”
Both girls openly gawked at the figure on the stage and it reminded me of Mina telling me about Mason the first time I was there. “He’s… wow,” the friend finally responded.
“I know, wait until you hear his voice. You’re going to need a new pair of panties when you leave here,” the first girl said matter-of-factly.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He hadn’t changed a bit since that morning I had left him sleeping in his bed. He had on a black t-shirt with a pair of jeans and his black boots. My heart had stopped when I first saw Ash, but the sight of Mason had made it beat double-time. I wondered what he was going to sing as he adjusted the microphone. He always stood when he performed which reminded me of just another way he was so different from Ash. I held on to the bar to physically brace myself to hear his voice.
“Good morning Houston! Are y’all having a good time?” he yelled and the entire bar went crazy. I thought the girls next to me were going to strip and rush him on the stage at any moment. “The place is packed tonight and I know that most of you guys are getting ready to head back to school, so let’s make this a night to remember. What do ya say?” Again frenzied screaming and clapping ensued. “That’s what I like to hear. Alright, tonight I’m going to start off with Jobu’s Rum latest single.” He looked over in the direction that I was sitting and I swore that he stared straight into my eyes for a brief moment. He turned his attention back towards a girl who had screamed “I love you Rat!” and he laughed. “I love all of y’all too.”
During his first song, I had to do more breathing exercises and continue to think about the last eight months. I could do this. I could do this. I had to give myself a pep talk several times during that three minute period. When he finished, everyone in the bar went wild. “Thank you guys,” he interrupted the applause. “Thank you. Okay this next one I’ve never performed in public, it’s a song that’s a few years old. I actually ran across it again a couple of months ago and it couldn’t have been at a more perfect time in my life. I was saving it for…” His voice trailed off for a moment and he looked towards Ash’s table. “Well, I guess it really doesn’t matter what I was saving it for, that day will never come, my angel flew away. So tonight it’s for all of you!”
Where I felt that Ash’s words were going to break me, Mason’s healed me. His voice, and the love and longing in his words, filled every one of my remaining holes and made me feel complete. I suddenly felt more determined than ever to do what I had come to do. I slipped off of my barstool and headed around the perimeter of the warehouse. I wanted to remain unseen by Mason. He finished the song and allowed the crowd to reward him with cheers and whistles. He leaned his acoustic on an amp setting on the side of the stage and jumped down to head towards his friends.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself of everything that I had discovered about love and respect and dignity over the last several months. Unrequited love was basically just infatuation, and that was exactly what I had with Ash for so long. Love was about sacrifice and putting the wants and needs of the other person in front of your own. Ash was never willing to do that for me. Other than the times that Ash and I had spent locked away from the real world, our relationship was tumultuous and filled with drama. He was always upsetting me by openly being with other girls in front of me or doing things to purposely keep me from being happy. It was like he kept me on a string and if he thought I was getting too far away from him, too close to someone else, he would reel me
back in. I knew that Ash cared about me, but he didn’t love me. He loved himself too much to love anyone else. Mason, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. He went out of his way to make me happy and comfortable. He loved making me laugh and wasn’t afraid to put himself out there for me. I never got upset with Mason, not once. And despite all that, I had allowed my infatuation and fascination with Ash, someone who could never give me what I deserved, to get in the way of that. It was time for me to apologize.
I climbed onto the back of my stage and walked towards the front, grabbing Mason’s acoustic on the way. “Excuse me everyone,” my voice was shaky and unsure . A few people took notice of me as I waited to get the attention of the person I wanted it from the most. It only took a minute or so as the collective voice lowered and dropped to hushed whisper. Then I hear someone say “Oh shit, Rat, it’s Angel,” and instantly the place got silent.
I lifted the microphone back to my mouth, “I’m sorry I’m late, I didn’t make it in time to sign up tonight but I really need to perform a song that needed to be sang a long time ago. I’ve wasted so much time, it just can’t wait any longer.” Mason’s face stayed stoic, not giving me an inch, but his gray eyes turned into a shimmery silver that shined back at me. He gave me a slight nod indicating I should go on. The eyes of everyone in the warehouse were jumping back and forth from Mason to me and then back to Mason.
I began to strum his guitar and sing about apologies from a guy who had hurt me, a guy who would purposely make me too warm only to leave me out in the cold, a guy who didn’t take the time to appreciate the beauty that he had until it was too late… and all that was left for him to do was apologize because it had become clear that I had fallen in love with another man.
