Fern

by Greenwood, Leigh

"Marry?"

  "Yes, marry," Madison said, nuzzling her again. "I'm going to make an honest woman out of you. How would this morning do?"

  "Don't be silly. I couldn't get married this morning. I haven't even fed the animals."

  "Turn them out to fend for themselves. The antelope and prairie chickens have been doing it for millions of years. Surely your pigs could manage for one morning."

  "You know I can't do that."

  "Okay, but the only thing I'm going to let you have in Boston is a cat. And me, of course, and children if you decide you want some."

  "When are you going back to Boston?" she asked. She almost wished she hadn't waked him. Everything seemed so much easier a minute ago.

  "As soon as I get back from Hen's hearing. Do you think you can be ready then?"

  "Ready for what?"

  "To be married. To move to Boston."

  "Do you have to go?"

  "Of course I do. That's where I work."

  "And you expect me to go with you?"

  Madison sat up, his expression suddenly serious. "A man usually expects his wife to live with him."

  "I know, but . . . "

  "But what?"

  "I'm not sure. Everything seems to be happening so fast. I hadn't thought . . . I don't think . . . "

  "You're not still afraid of me, are you?"

  "It isn't that."

  "You do still love me?"

  "Of course."

  "Then what is it?"

  Fern didn't know how she could have been so simpleminded as to think falling in love with a man like Madison would be easy. She guessed she had spent so long assuming nothing would ever come of it she hadn't really looked at what becoming his wife would mean. But now she did, and what she saw frightened her.

  "I guess I haven't made up my mind about some things."

  "Like what?"

  "Well, there's the farm and--"

  "Sell it."

  "I can't just sell it."

  "Why not?"

  Why couldn't she? She could break it up into homesteads. She had some of the best land in Kansas.

  "I don't want to sell it," she answered. "It's my home."

  "Then keep it. We can hire Reed and Pike to run it for you."

  "But--"

  "But what?"

  "I'm scared."

  "Of what?"

  "Everything. I don't want to go to Boston. Those people won't like me. I know you said Samantha would help me, but she really doesn't want to. She loves you herself. And don't say a word about feeling like she's your sister. Only a lawyer could look at Samantha Bruce and feel anything sisterlike."

  "Is that all?"

  "No. I'm afraid of having to wear a dress all the time. I won't mind once in a while -- it's like dressing up special for a party -- but I don't like dresses. They make me feel stupid. And I don't much like women. And from the way you talk, Boston is full of them."

  "Fern--"

  "Can't you see I'm afraid of what will happen to me? I'll be lost in your world. There won't be anything left of Fern Sproull. There'll only be a scared, lost Mrs. Madison Randolph who everybody pities because she doesn't know what to do." Now that the barriers were down, the words came out in a rush. Fern wanted to tell him everything before she became too afraid to say anything at all. "She has no graces. She curses, she's awkward and tongue-tied, and she doesn't know how to ride sidesaddle. She doesn't like parties, she's uneducated, and she doesn't know anything about proper clothes or proper behavior."

  "You don't have to worry. I told you, Samantha--"

  "Piss and Vinegar! I don't want to have to depend on Samantha Bruce to tell me what to do. I don't even want you to have to tell me. I want to know. How would you feel if you couldn't make a move, do or say anything until you had cleared it with somebody else?"

  A look of understanding came into Madison's eyes. He put his arms around her and drew her close. "What do you want me to do?"

  "I don't know."

  "Think of something. We have to start somewhere."

  "Let's not decide anything just yet."

  "We have to decide something. We can't just lie here with our clothes off waiting for Pike and Reed to find us."

  "Then let me talk to Rose."

  "What do you expect to learn from Rose?"

  "I don't know, but she left home to marry your brother. She must know more than I do."

  "When are we going to have the wedding?"

  "I don't know."

  Madison became deathly still. The quiet was ominous. He held her away from him and forced her head up until she looked straight into his eyes. "Fern, tell me the truth. Do you want to marry me?"

  "More than anything else in the world."

  "Then what's bothering you?"

  "I told you. I'm scared. I used to think I was only afraid of being with a man or dying in childbed. I thought if I could not be afraid of those things, everything would be perfect. I know better now. I'm not like Samantha and I never will be. I can't speak French and talk about clothes and the places I've been and the people I'm related to. I don't think like she does; I don't act like she does. And I never will. I'd want to for you. I would try my hardest, but I'd fail. And the worst thing in the whole world would be for me to see your love for me dying a little bit every day."

  "I never--"

  "Let me finish," Fern said. "You wouldn't want to stop loving me, but it would happen. You wouldn't be able to help it. Even my own children would be ashamed of their mother. I'm not saying I won't marry you. I think I would die before I would say that, but I've got to believe I can be what you want. Not just a wife you're not ashamed of. A wife you could be proud of."

  "I am proud of you."

  "You're proud of me here, in Kansas, surrounded by chickens and pigs and bulls. That's not the same thing as being proud of me in Boston."

  "I'll be proud of you no matter where we happen to live. And if you can't live in Boston, then we'll live here. If George can learn to run a ranch, I can learn to run a farm. As long as I don't have to chase cows, I might not mind Kansas all that much."

  Fern wanted to melt into his arms, but just because he had lost his mind didn't mean she had to lose hers as well. One of them had to be sensible.

  "Didn't you tell me you left Texas because you thought you would go crazy?"

  "Yes, but . . . "

  "Kansas has got to be just like Texas, maybe worse. I remember how you acted when you first came here."

  "But I hated everything then."

  "And you don't like it any better now," Fern insisted. "Admit it. We both have to do some thinking. I love you more than anything else in the world, but we can't just get married and hope everything works out for the best."

  "What do you want to do?"

  "I want to marry you right now and forget everything else," Fern said, "but I think we'd better wait."

  "How long? I have to go to Topeka for Hen's hearing. I'd like a definite yes by the time I get back."

  "I'll try."

  "Now, before your barnyard bursts into frantic activity, and Reed and Pike show their unwanted faces, I have some unfinished business."

  "I thought we finished that last night."

  "We only started. We won't ever be finished."

  Fern decided she didn't have to think about that.

  * * * * *

  Fern stared at Jeff with a fascination that had nothing to do with his missing arm. She hadn't known what to expect when Madison told her Jeff was coming in from Denver on his way to Chicago. But after getting to know Madison, George, and Hen, she expected another aggressive, confident, frequently abrasive, but basically cheerful, likeable person. She'd also expected him to look like Madison and George rather his gunslinging younger brother.

  Jeff wasn't at all like that.

  He was shorter, thinner, and quieter than the others. But he made up for it in intensity. His eyes seemed to burn with an inner rage that made Fern uncomfortable. Worst of all, he glared at her as thou
gh he hoped the heat from his gaze would cause her to burst into flame and her ashes blow away in the wind. She knew he disapproved of her pants, but she stubbornly refused to change her clothes to please him. Madison, George, Rose, and Hen had come to accept her in pants. Jeff would have to do the same.

  "You really don't need to go to Topeka with us," George was saying as they prepared to leave the house. "Madison and I can handle it by ourselves."

  "I'm sure you can," Jeff replied, "but I'm going anyway."

  Fern hated the way Jeff looked at Madison. He never said anything, but he stared at his brother like he wanted to hit him. It made Fern so mad she wanted to hit Jeff. Fern wondered if the Randolph brothers would ever learn to love each other. Madison had finally worked things out with George and Hen. Now Jeff had shown up, and the tension which always simmered just beneath the surface had gotten worse. Would it get worse when he encountered the other three brothers? Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go to Boston.

  As much as Fern hated to be separated from Madison, she was anxious for him get the trip over. Samantha and Freddy were traveling with him as far as Topeka. Fern had to admit she would feel better as soon as Samantha was back in Boston. Try as she might, she couldn't be happy about Samantha's friendship with Madison. She told herself she was being petty, mean, and totally unfair.

  But she still felt the same way.

  * * * * *

  "What did you think of Jeff?" Rose asked as soon as the men were gone.

  "I expected him to look like George," Fern said, trying to avoid the truth.

  "You weren't what he expected either," Rose said, a smile of understanding on her lips. "I take it Madison told him he'd asked you to marry him."

  "Yes."

  "And you still decided to wear pants."

  "People are going to have to accept me as I am," Fern said, her defenses up. She liked Rose very much, but she didn't understand why Rose continued to disapprove of her wearing pants.

  "I have no doubt they'll try," Rose said, inviting Fern to sit back down at the breakfast table, "but not everybody is going to succeed. Not everybody will even try."

  "Will Jeff?"

  "I think the more important question is will the ladies of Boston try?"

  Fern's shoulders sagged. "I know. I've already talked to Madison about it, but he thinks everything will work itself out. Even worse, he's depending on Samantha to work it out for me."

  "And you?"

  "How would you feel about depending on a woman who was in love with your husband to take you under her wing, teach you how to behave, and see that everybody important accepted you?"

  "I'd feel just like you," Rose said, making a face. "Horrified."

  "Then why can't Madison understand?"

  "Men never do. They don't seem to care if other men like them. I sometimes think they don't even want them to. They certainly can't understand why a woman doesn't look upon moving into a new community as akin to a Viking campaign."

  "And that's something else. I don't know what a Viking is. I know everybody in Boston knows all about Vikings and Romans and those awful Turks Madison told me about."

  "George has a much better education than I do," Rose said, "but I have to confess that living on a ranch is not at all the same as trying to become part of Boston society."

  "I know. If I listened to Madison, I'd sell the farm, marry him this morning, and start for Boston this afternoon."

  "There aren't many women who find a man who loves them that much."

  "I know," Fern said. "I'm so worried something will go wrong I've started having nightmares again."

  "About what?"

  "The attack."

  "Have you remembered anything about the man?"

  "No."

  "Then I imagine it's just nerves. They'll go away as soon as you make up your mind what you want to do."

  "Do you have any advice?"

  "Nothing that's going to answer your questions. Just don't let fear cheat you out of one minute of happiness. Marry Madison as soon as you can get him inside a church. Things won't be easy, but between the two of you, you'll work everything out."

  "You make it sound so simple."

  "It is. When you love someone as much as you love Madison, everything else becomes secondary."

  * * * * *

  "I can spread the rumor while you're in Topeka," the Pinkerton man said to Madison.

  "No, wait until I get back," Madison said. "I can't get it out of my mind that Troy's murder had something to do with the attack on Fern."

  "I can't see how. Sam Belton was never in Abilene until he inherited that land two years back. If Troy was blackmailing him, it must have been over something else."

  "I know, but it fits so well the other way."

  "You can't force the facts, sir. And they're just not there."

  "I know," Madison said.

  After weeks of investigation, they had no evidence to connect Belton with Fern. He could find no proof that Belton murdered Troy or that Troy was blackmailing him. Fern's failure to recognize Belton at the party further undermined his position.

  But despite the evidence piling up against his theory, Madison he couldn't shake the motion that Sam Belton had attacked Fern and murdered Troy.

  * * * * *

  Fern sat up in the bed with a shriek. She was breathing so hard, her heart was beating so fast, she felt dizzy. She had had the dream again, only worse than ever. It was so real it was just like it was happening all over again.

  She heard footsteps in the hall moments before Rose entered the room, her swollen body barely covered by her nightgown.

  "Are you all right?" Rose asked. "I heard you scream."

  "I'm okay. It was just that dream again. It seemed so real."

  "You sure there's nothing more?"

  "No. It happens so often, I'm getting used to it." Pushing the nightmare aside, Fern threw off her sheet and got up. "You get back to bed, or you'll be having that baby any minute. George would never forgive me if I caused you to have it early."

  "I'm not due for another three weeks," Rose said, allowing Fern to lead her back to her room. "But I wish I could have it tomorrow. I've never felt so big in my whole life."

  "Well you just think about how slim you're going to be afterwards. I've told Madison we can't get married until it arrives. I want you to be my matron of honor, but I don't want to run the risk of you having the baby in the middle of the ceremony."

  "That would be awful," Rose said, laughing. "You would certainly be upstaged."

  They talked of trivial things until Fern had Rose settled under the covers. William Henry sat up in his bed, his eyes wide and curious, but he obediently went back to sleep.

  But Fern didn't go back to sleep. The dream tonight had been different from all the others. She still couldn't see the man's face, but she remembered his voice. She knew who had tried to rape her, and the man was in Abilene.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  They sat around the table in the hotel lobby looking, Madison thought, like a checkerboard, two gleaming blond heads alternating with two jet black ones. He could feel the tension. It had been there for the entire trip. It hadn't been as apparent while Samantha and Freddy were with them, nor did it seem to intrude while they still had Hen's hearing before them. But now, when everything had been resolved and they were alone, it stood out, naked and undeniable.

  As sorry as he was his family couldn't get along any better than this, Madison was relieved he wasn't the only focal point of discord. For the last several days Hen had treated Madison with a kind of benign acceptance, but there seemed to be an active antagonism between him and Jeff.

  "I suppose you'll be going back home now," Jeff said to Madison. "I hope Hen appreciates what you did for him."

  "If you mean did I thank him for saving my worthless neck, yeah, I did," Hen growled, "but I didn't lick his boots."

  George glared at Hen, who hunched his shoulders and turned away.

  "I thought
you'd leave with your friends," Jeff said to Madison. "It can't be much fun traveling that far by yourself."

  "I won't be alone. I'll be traveling with my wife," Madison said.

  The glow in Jeff's intense blue eyes turned to flame. It cooled slightly under George's stern gaze, but the intense heat warned Madison the fire was only banked, not extinguished.

  "So you really are going to marry that Sproull woman."

  Madison tapped down a spurt of anger. He was going to have to spend a lot of time explaining and defending Fern. It wouldn't do either of them any good if he got angry every time someone said something he didn't like.

  "If she'll have me."

  Jeff made no such effort. Fury smoldered in his eyes and caused his jaw to clench. "I don't suppose it makes any difference that her father was a Jayhawk, not after you spent half the war in the bosom of the Yankees."

  "Jeff still likes fighting the war," Hen said, the acid of dislike in his voice. "It gives him something to do when he gets tired of feeling sorry for himself."

  "Hen." It was George, and his frown of disapproval couldn't be ignored.

  "Well I get tired of the same thing over and over again. You'd think Rose's being the best thing that ever happened to this family would be enough to shut him up."

  Hen got up and stalked away.

  "Jeff . . . "

  "I know. I know," Jeff said, some of his bristling hostility easing now that Hen was gone. "I should let the war die. We should try to heal our wounds. But how the hell am I supposed to do that with everybody marrying Yankees? Why can't one of you fall in love with a Southern woman?"

  "Why don't you?" Madison asked.

  "What woman would want a man with only one arm?" Jeff asked. "I'd rather remain single than have a wife who feels sorry for me."

  George changed the subject. "Where do you and Fern plan to live?" he asked Madison.

  "Boston."

  "What's she going to do with her farm? You know she owns half the county, don't you? And the best half at that."

  "I want her to sell it."

  "How does Fern feel about moving to Boston?"

  "Exactly how you'd expect. She's petrified."

  "Are you going to make her go?"

  "Not if she doesn't want to."

  "What will you do?"