For Cesare

by Naomi, Soraya

  I’M IN A ROBOTIC STATE for the next few weeks. Going to classes, taking exams, and dodging Cesare’s calls. I’ve texted him once that I’ll contact him when I’m ready, but I’m coming to the realization that we might’ve reached our final destination. I can’t trust Cesare anymore, and I can’t be in a relationship where I have to wonder if he’s being faithful. The drugs have made him too volatile. The distance has broken us indefinitely.

  While I’m alone in my room, someone knocks on my door, and I jump up.

  “Kinsey! Open the door. I know you’re home!”

  Shit! I’m not ready to confront him yet.

  “Kinsey!” He pounds the door harder, more furiously. “I’m not leaving until we talk!”

  Nervously, I sit on the mattress.

  He hits the door again. “I’m fucking dying without you! I’ll wait here all night if I have to.” Another slam and then he whispers, “Please, don’t turn me away.”

  His broken tone hurts me, and I feel compelled to provide him closure.

  But Cesare’s unstable mood is scaring me, so I say, “Meet me at the coffee shop across the street. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

  “Okay.”

  FIVE MINUTES LATER, I sit across from Cesare in a booth, hearing him apologize for the umpteenth time. I don’t even recognize him with his scruffy beard, and I can tell that he’s high, which strengthens my resolve to end us.

  “I’m so sorry, Kins. I miss you. I lost my home, my lover, my best friend, all on the same day! Please, please give me another chance.”

  “I’ve already given you a second chance. I can’t do it a third time. Trusting you while you’re on drugs is breaking my heart.”

  “I’m not on drugs. I only use occasionally,” he defends.

  “You are still in denial, and I’m done. I’m sorry. You should’ve known better.”

  Sadness clouds his face, then ire blisters to the surface. The loss of control is making him angry; this is his harsher side. He’s not used to not getting his way.

  “I’ve done everything for you. All of it! This mafia fucking life that I’m in is for you! You will not walk away from me!”

  “Don’t make this ugly, Cesare. You’ll regret it. I’m sorry, but you and I are over. Our foundation of trust is gone; it’s been broken. By you. I need space now. Maybe in a couple of months, we can be friends again, but right now, I can’t see you anymore.”

  He clenches his jaw as his eyes water. “If you walk away now, it’s over for good!”

  “Don’t do this, Cesare.” I slide out from the booth, and he glares at me but stays seated; challenging me.

  “Kinsey, I’m serious! Don’t leave me!” He grabs my wrist.

  “Don’t give me ultimatums! You broke us! Not me. Now leave me alone so I can pick up the pieces of my life.” And I wrench free right after I see a tear rolling down his cheek.

  That was the last time I saw Cesare. But I was never free of him.

  During my time with him, I learned about love. Love is fantastic when it’s good. However, when it’s bad, it can result in a catastrophe. And after we broke up, I spiraled out of control due to my broken heart.

  I did text him a couple of times after that day in the coffee shop, but he never responded. I was left more heartbroken than I could ever imagine, and after graduation, I couldn’t find a decent job. Eventually, I ended up living paycheck to paycheck while life persistently continued. I drank, I did drugs, and I fucked around a lot to get over Cesare. But nothing ever helped.

  CHAPTER 12

  Cesare – 5 years ago – age 22

  WHEN SHE WALKED OUT, I knew that I would never feel for another girl what I felt for Kinsey. She would forever be the one that got away.

  Dejected and furious, I return to New York and to a seething father who sets me straight. He’s discovered I’ve been snorting cocaine, and if I’m to become a member, I need to be clean.

  “This is what I warned you about four years ago. You’re going to get clean, initiate into the Syndicate, and forget about that girl. She’s toxic to you. But enough about her; on to business. Here’s your new Syndicate-issued phone.” My father takes my old phone while I’m despairing, bitterness consuming my soul.

  Kinsey has ripped my heart out, and anger fills the hole she’s created.

  “Cesare, your love is destructive,” my mother adds. “She’s not the girl for you. Forget her and move on. You’re going to be a made man. Act like it.”

  “I’ve loved her for almost half my life. How do I let her go?”

  “One day at a time, son. Time heals all wounds.”

  I got clean and became a captain right after graduation. Without Kinsey, I focused solely on the Syndicate. And when Michael became boss, he made me his underboss.

  Time might heal all wounds, but time never makes you forget. Women have come and gone throughout the years, but only one holds a place in my heart. And that will never change.

  CHAPTER 13

  Cesare - present

  “MICHAEL, WHAT WAS THAT all about?” I inquire in Michael’s office right after he shot the soldier in front of the other women in the living room.

  Michael is on the warpath. “That soldier should’ve informed us. You know that.”

  “Yes, but why the charade? Last night, you want to scare him, and today, you kill him on the spot. Let the rest leave. Only keep the date of the soldier you just killed, his accomplice. We killed all the men last night and eliminated the leader of the raid. Now, you need to calm down and go focus on saying goodbye to Rachel. Don’t waste your energy on drawn out revenge. We killed the ones who killed her. Now, go grieve.”

  Michael braces his neck forcefully before relaxing. “Fine. Let them leave. I don’t understand why you kept them or Kinsey anyway. Do you hate her that much?”

  “No, I love her that much. There’s something between Kinsey and Joey, and I’m not letting him ruin my third chance with her. If she’d left last night, she would’ve disappeared. I needed her to think about us for a night. A little manipulation can be quite persuasive. I’m doing it to protect her,” I reveal honestly. “I want her back.”

  His gaze flies to me, astonished. “I always knew you were waiting for her. Every girl you dated had a certain...quality.” Michael sighs. “So go; take her back. But Cesare, be prepared to always protect her when she’s part of our life.”

  “I’m ready,” I say with conviction.

  For five years, I’ve been living life going through the motions, but Kinsey belongs with me. She’s a part of me that I’ve been missing for too long.

  “I failed. I would hate for you to go through what I am now.”

  “Together, we’ll get through it. Go to Rachel, Michael.”

  My confirmation regarding Joey and Kins’s peculiar connection comes when I’m back in the living room, and Joey is manhandling her.

  Rushing over, I slam his hands off her.

  “Do not ever touch her again!” I snarl.

  I can’t stand not knowing exactly what their association is, and I’m on edge, so I lock her back in the bedroom and order the captains to release the other captives – if they can be persuaded into silence. The rest will be killed.

  AFTER I FINISH WITH the day’s business, I rush back to the mansion to see Kinsey and am confronted with how much she actually needs me.

  I unlock the door and frown at the empty room. Then I spot the nightstand’s lamp broken on the floor and run to the bed.

  “No!”

  Kinsey is lying on the floor on the other side of the bed, unconscious.

  Rushing over the mattress, I check her pulse, but it’s weak.

  “Kins! Kins!”

  Panic I haven’t experienced in years almost renders me incapacitated, then rage overcomes me when I see fresh track marks on the inside of her elbow. Hurriedly, I check her other arm and see more scars.

  Unexpectedly, she starts to convulse and bucks, coughing. So I roll her to her side, and she vomits. I k
eep her in that position until she stops heaving; however, I still can’t wake her up.

  “No! You’re fucking high!” As I sit on the floor, I take her weak body into my arms and hold her tightly while I call the Syndicate doctor.

  “I need you at Michael’s house. Right now! I’ve got an overdose!” And the phone slides from my hand, dropping onto the floor with a thud.

  While I wait in agonizing silence with her frail body in my arms, moisture wells in my eyes. I can’t lose her now that I’ve finally got her again.

  The doctor storms into the room after I don’t know how long. I’ve been incessantly checking her pulse and carefully lay her on the bed. He examines her as I stare down at the love of my life.

  “Cesare, she’ll wake soon. It’s good that you let her vomit or else she would’ve choked on it. Just keep her on her side until she wakes. And Cesare, from observing several puncture wounds on her arms, I can tell you that she’s an addict,” he states solemnly. “Who is she?”

  “My best friend. You can go. I’ll watch over her.” I take the chair and sit down.

  My best friend is on drugs.

  What happened to you, piccolina?

  Sadness washes over me, and the realization of how long we’ve been apart hits me. Life has a funny way of turning out. She left me due to drugs, and in the end, I’m clean and she’s an addict.

  I never wanted this for you.

  A tear streams down while I take her hand in mine, wishing she’d never left me. I won’t let this third chance escape my grasp. When she wakes, she must own up.

  CHAPTER 14

  Kinsey - present

  I AWAKE IN AN INSTANT, meeting Cesare’s concerned face. He’s sitting in a chair next to the bed, studying me, clutching my hand tightly in his. The warmth of his skin seeps into mine, making me feel protected like only he can.

  “Welcome back.” His voice is low. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like crap...”

  He smiles tersely. “What happened?”

  Cesare leans forward, not letting go of my hand, and I realize it’s time to fess up.

  “Joey happened. He came in here to give me a fix.”

  His lips thin into a straight line. “So, Joey’s your dealer?”

  I nod and avert my gaze to the window.

  Cesare is absentmindedly rubbing my hand with his thumb, the touch so pleasurable in its simplicity. The permanent ache in my heart echoes the truth.

  How much I’ve missed him.

  Our gazes clash, and he sends me grave look. “How long have you been addicted, Kins?”

  My words abandon me at first, yet I power through and confess for the first time that I am an addict, “A year. I try to stop, but it’s so hard. And Joey gives me drugs in exchange for runner jobs.”

  Cesare’s eyes narrow, and his fury becomes palpable.

  “I asked for a fix, but then I didn’t want to take the drugs, so we struggled and he shot me up because he was afraid I’d tell you if I was too lucid.”

  “You were out cold and started vomiting.” He releases my hand harshly and rises. “Is that enough of a warning for you to stop? Does your life mean nothing to you anymore? You could’ve died!”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been a little...lost, Cesare. And I miss you – a lot.”

  He stares down his nose at me, so I sit up. I’m aching and searching for peace in drugs, but I want him. A singular tear streams down my cheek, and he follows the trail with his finger, wiping my hurt away with his thumb first and then with his words, “I miss you too. Why didn’t you ever contact me?”

  “I did. But after those dozen messages I sent you in the week following our break-up, I gave up.”

  His brows snap together. “I never got your messages. My father got me a new phone back then. I assume that he or my mother erased your messages on my old phone. I kept it for over six months in hopes that you would forgive me, Kins. Otherwise, I would’ve answered. I-I...It’s killing me to see you like this. You were always this vibrant girl.”

  “Life got in the way, and I couldn’t find a job.” My head is starting to pound, and my weakened body is hurting.

  The mattress dips as Cesare sits right beside my hip, and I break down.

  “I was lonely, Cesare. I’m a drug addict. I ruined my life, and I don’t deserve your help, because I left you when the roles were reversed.”

  He forces my gaze on him by forcefully cupping my cheeks. “You left me, but I never left you. And I will never leave you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you want to be clean?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then we’ll do it together. You just need some help, Kins. And I’m here now to help you.” He kisses my forehead. “The situation regarding the attack is under control. You’re coming with me, and the doctor and I will get you through withdrawal. But”—he looks me in the eye—“no more drugs. Ever.”

  I nod. “And what about us?”

  “It’s time I mend the promise I broke; I’ll take care of you.”

  “Cesare, thank you.”

  “We’ll take it one day at a time. You’re coming with me, to my house.”

  I smile because I finally see some light in the darkness I’ve been living in since I made the wrong choice and used heroine that first time a year ago.

  Cesare rises and ominously states, “And Kins, Joey will pay.”

  CHAPTER 15

  Cesare - present

  I EXIT THE ELEVATOR into my penthouse apartment with Kinsey’s hand entwined with mine.

  After the weekly visit to the doctor, we can celebrate her fourth week in recovery. Withdrawal has been hell for her, and my heart’s hurt when I’ve had to hold her trembling and sweating body at night when she craves the heroin. But slowly, she’s getting clean. And she’s lived with me for over a month, letting me take care of her. Having her back calms my restless soul after five years of feeling incomplete.

  “I’m proud of you!” I say as I release her hand and toss my keys onto the coffee table.

  “Thank you. I couldn’t do this without you, Cesare.” She rests both palms on my chest as she stands close in front of me.

  Her familiar perfume invades my nostrils, and my dick stands to attention.

  “You’re very welcome.” I grin when she edges closer, and I grasp her hips, pressing my erection against her stomach.

  She looks up at me through her lashes and smirks teasingly.

  “I think you can tell what I want, piccolina.”

  “I can.” She grins and steps back. “You want to know more about Cesare and Lucrezia because you love my tales?!” She smiles with a twinkle in her eyes and then spins around and dashes down the hall to the bedroom.

  “You can run, but you can’t hide!” I chase her eagerly while laughing.

  At the foot of the bed, I catch her waist from behind, pressing her back against me while whispering into her ear, “While I do love your tales, I didn’t mean that. And you’re obligating me to tell you precisely what I do want. I want...” I kiss the sensitive skin behind her ear. “...to eat your pussy until you come all over my tongue. And then my cock needs to be inside you. To fuck you hard and fast.”

  Kinsey groans and pushes her luscious ass into my aching groin.

  “I want to taste you too, Cesare,” she says, craning her neck, and I reward her with a kiss, turning her around and crushing my mouth against hers as she unbuckles my pants.

  Kinsey kneels and wraps her lips around my cock while pumping the base. Grunting, I grab her hair into a ponytail while moving in and out. Then I trace her lips with the head of my dick, marking what’s mine.

  Hurriedly, I tug her up and undress her completely, flinging her onto the bed as she shrieks.

  “Sit up, Kins.”

  The corner of her lip tilts up; she knows what I want.

  So I lie on my back, and she positions herself on top of me, her knees on either side of my head and her pussy positioned right above my mo
uth while she’s facing my cock.

  Hooking my arms around her hips, I devour her.

  “Ah, Cesare,” she moans as I circle my tongue and hold her hips.

  When she takes me into her mouth, her sweet, lashing tongue has me almost coming down her throat. Kins mashes her pussy against my face and whimpers louder and louder, so I thrust a finger inside and suck her clit. My cock is rock-hard while we both lick and suck and groan.

  “Fuck, god, your mouth...” I growl and spear her pussy with my tongue.

  Kinsey throws her head back while fisting my erection and climaxes in a loud scream as tremors of desire rake her body and I slowly lick her. Needing to release inside her, I turn her to sit astride me.

  “Ride me,” I order and grab her wrists, pulling her forward.

  Her hair curtains us in a world of our own. The world I lost for five years but will never let go of again. I kiss her while she rubs her pussy against the head of my cock, and I push inside her, making her gasp. When her flesh gives and she starts to move up and down, I grip her hips as she rests her palms on my chest. Kinsey’s passionate grey eyes meet mine, and my dick swells from being inside the woman who was meant for me.

  Before I can say it, she says in a husky voice laced with lust, “I love you.”

  Sitting up, I cradle the back of her head with one hand while resting the other on her ass, kissing her harshly. “Ti amo, piccolina. Ever since I was twelve.”

  Her arms loop around my neck as she moves her hips faster and faster. She rides me hard, and I suck her nipples as she arches her back and clutches my hair tightly. My balls tighten while pleasure rockets me, and I come inside her sweet pussy, thoroughly depleted.

  We sit motionless, locked in an embrace, so close together not even a hairbreadth separates us. And I finally feel complete again.

  Kinsey moves off me, and we recline on the bed, her head on my chest while I stroke her hair. Both lost in our thoughts while our breathing calms.