Spinning Forward

by Terri DuLong

  2

  Sitting in the garden with the late-afternoon sun creating lacy patterns on the grass, I watched Lilly romp and play with Winston. She sure seemed to have settled in quite well. My eye caught the flashy pink bougainvillea draped along the fence and gate. Circular flower beds held purple lantana with butterflies hovering above the blossoms. It was easy to see why Ali had been drawn to this place. I was captivated with the dramatic green of the old cypress tree. The circumference was at least ten or eleven feet, with thick, knotted roots emerging from the ground. My life was in limbo, but sitting beneath the majestic tree provided me a certain amount of tranquility.

  I leaned forward toward my spinning wheel and heard a woman’s voice.

  “My goodness, I haven’t seen one of those since my grandmother’s attic.”

  I recognized her as the guest in room four. “Yeah, it does have an authentic look. That’s what attracted me to it. The brochure said it has the look of wheels from the Baltic area of Poland and Scandinavia. In fact, a well-known spinning-wheel historian said that the manner in which the wheel was built is as close to being historically correct as he’d seen.”

  “Oh, it’s absolutely lovely.” The woman reached to touch the walnut finish. “And what on earth are you spinning? Is that dog fur?”

  I laughed and nodded. “Yeah, this happens to be Winston’s fur.”

  “What a clever idea. So you spin the fur into yarn?”

  “Sure. Just like alpaca or any other kind of fiber. Then you knit with it.”

  Excitement spread across the woman’s face. “Oh, my goodness. If I mailed you some fur from my Bailey—he’s my Old English sheepdog—would you be willing to spin it for me?”

  When I hesitated, she added, “I’ll pay you for your services, of course.”

  Pay me for my services? To spin dog fur? “Well, uh…I’ve never really done this for other people. I mean…”

  “I’d need enough to knit myself a sweater. I’d be the hit of my knitting club, I can tell you that. How’s two hundred dollars? Would that be adequate?”

  I was flabbergasted that somebody would offer me money to do something I enjoyed.

  “I’ll add another hundred,” she said. “I know it’s presumptuous of me to even ask you. But I adore my Bailey and he’s getting on in years. To think I could have a part of him with me forever. I’d be so indebted to you. By the way, I’m Lucille—Lucille Graystone, but you can call me Lu.”

  I had no idea if the price was too high or maybe not enough. It did involve a certain amount of work to prepare the fur for spinning. After being properly cleaned, it then had to be carded. Not to mention the labor of spinning it. I knew how I felt about Lilly and couldn’t think of the day she’d no longer be with me so it was easy to understand how Lu wanted a keepsake of Bailey. Besides, I was desperate to earn some money.

  “Alright,” I told her. “I’ll do it for you, but I have to explain what you need to do before mailing it to me. Plus, you’ll require quite a bit of fur for a sweater unless you want to combine the fur with another yarn.”

  Lu threw her head back laughing. “Bailey sheds so much, quantity won’t be a problem.”

  “Well, hey girlfriend, you could be on to something here,” Ali said later that evening. “You might want to think about opening your own business. Spinning pet fur for devoted owners.”

  We were sitting on the porch after supper enjoying a glass of sweet tea.

  “I don’t think so. I haven’t a clue about running a business.”

  “Neither did I when I bought this place.”

  I shook my head. “No, I’ll do this favor for Lu, but I wouldn’t know where to begin starting a company. I do need to begin thinking about a job though. Any ideas?”

  Alison sighed. “Hmm, not really. Unless you’re a merchant, most of the jobs on the island are cleaning, waitress positions, or clerks. Minimum pay.”

  “Oh, God. I haven’t been a waitress since my college days.” The emptiness I’d been feeling since Stephen’s death overwhelmed me as moisture filled my eyes. “What the hell am I going to do, Ali? It’s not like I’m sixteen again and can run home to my parents. They’re both gone now anyway. Monica has been extra cool toward me since she found out about the foreclosure on the house. Not that I’d ask her for help anyway.”

  Ali remained silent, sipping her tea thoughtfully. After a few minutes she said, “I hate to be so brutally honest, Syd, but I guess the time has come for you to figure out what you want to be when you grow up.”

  I flashed her a nasty look. With raised eyebrows, I said, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You’ve always been somebody’s daughter, wife, mother. You know yourself you relied on Stephen way too much and as a result you lost your own identity over the years. Haven’t you ever wondered about the real you? Who you are inside? Not that person created by other people.” She paused for a second. “Have you ever thought about searching for your biological parents?”

  I sat up straighter in the chair and took a deep breath. Oddly enough, after losing Stephen it had crossed my mind again to wonder if the woman who had given me life might still be alive. Perhaps I wasn’t completely alone in the world. I’d shared my adoption story with Ali years ago, but we hadn’t discussed it recently. There was nothing earth-shattering about it. Vanessa and Bob Sherwood had been unable to have children of their own. They applied to adopt a child and brought me home when I was three weeks old. I had been told as a young child that I was adopted and it always made me feel special. When I got to be a teen, I became curious and questioned my mother about that other woman. All she could tell me was that I’d been born in New York City, March 19, 1955. I weighed 7 pounds, 12 ounces. I assumed that the woman who had given me away was young and unwed. The typical story.

  I reached for a chip from the bowl in front of us and shrugged. “I always wanted to search, but I felt it would be a betrayal to my parents. They gave me a good life. You know that.”

  “Yeah, but I remember when Monica was born. You questioned if maybe she’d inherited looks or traits from your real parents and it bothered you. I tried to encourage you to begin a search. I think your parents would have understood. It’s only natural to be curious and want to know exactly where we came from. Genes aren’t everything in forming us, but they do matter.”

  Ali was right. It wasn’t that I felt like a misfit in my adopted family, but I had always felt a void. I used to wonder if maybe my smile was passed on from a cousin or aunt that I’d never met. Had my mother enjoyed knitting like I did? I hadn’t seemed to get many traits from my adopted parents.

  “Do it,” Ali said.

  I looked at her with surprise. “Do what?”

  “Search for your biological mother,” she said forcefully. “You’re floundering, Syd. You’ve lost all that you knew as your way of life. You need to move on and maybe locating some information about that woman will help you to do that. We all need a touchstone. Something to make us feel whole and understand why we’re the person we are. I think the time has come for you to discover that.”

  I recalled shortly after Monica was born that I went so far as to research A.L.M.A. on the Internet. Adoptee’s Liberty Movement Association was located in Denville, New Jersey. I never bothered to list my own name though. Maybe I was afraid of what I might find. But now, at age fifty-two, I had a compelling need to search for my roots. Find out where I had come from. And perhaps enable myself to find out where I was going.

  “You could be right,” I told Ali. “Maybe it’s an innate desire in all of us. Whether we admit it or not.” I took the last sip of my tea and placed the glass on the table. “Could I use your computer tomorrow to list myself on A.L.M.A.?”

  Ali put up her hand for a high five. “Absolutely. And something else I think you should do is scout around town for some space and see about opening a knitting shop. There’re a few shops downtown that are being refurbished. I’d bet anything one of them would be perfect for y
ou.”

  I thought of my bank account dwindling down to nothing after putting a deposit for a lease. And stock? Where would I get the money to order supplies to get me started? After voicing my misgivings to Ali, I was sorry I’d mentioned it.

  “I can give you a loan, Syd. You know I would.”

  “Yeah, I know you would, and I don’t want you to. If, and I say if, I’m going to do this, it has to be on my own. I’m just not sure I’m ready for that step. What if it falls apart and I lose everything?”

  “For Christ’s sake, life is a risk. You’ll certainly get nowhere if you don’t take a chance. It’s the same with your search. If you don’t even try, you’ll never find your biological mother.”

  Ali always gave me something to think about. She pushed me to pursue things I wouldn’t ordinarily do. Like the time in our sophomore year in college she found out I couldn’t swim. She insisted I could and after three weeks of her instruction at the college pool, she proved me wrong.

  I let out a deep sigh. “I’ll think about it,” I told her. Wanting to change the subject, I asked when I was going to meet the mysterious Paul.

  Ali laughed and then surprised me as a crimson flush covered her face.

  “I told you. He works for a large pharmaceutical company in Atlanta. It isn’t that easy for him to get down here a lot. And he isn’t mysterious at all. We’ve been seeing each other off and on for a few years now.”

  “Does he have any plans to get down here in the near future?”

  “When I spoke to him the other night, he said he was going to try and come down for a few days at the end of the month.”

  Feeling like I was back in our dorm room at college, I asked, “So is this serious?”

  Ali threw her head back laughing. “Honey, what’s serious when you’re our age? I don’t have marriage in mind, if that’s what you mean. But yeah, we have a kinda sorta committed relationship. We don’t sleep with anyone else.”

  I’d forgotten how outspoken Ali could be. She’d always marched to the beat of a different drummer, and I guess age hadn’t changed a thing.

  “Don’t look so shocked,” she teased me. “People over age fifty do continue to have sex, you know. And I can vouch for the fact it’s even better as we get older.”

  Speak for yourself, I thought. I couldn’t remember the last time that Stephen and I had had sex. A year? Two? It wasn’t something we’d discussed or even brought to a halt intentionally. It had just sort of happened. Or not happened. I guess like most other things in my marriage, I had grown to accept it. And the magazines I’d see at the supermarket checkout seemed to confirm that sex was for the twenty, thirty, and forty year olds. Making love was a taboo subject for those of us over age fifty. But I had to admit that when I was reading a novel and came to a sex scene, it made me pause. Or when I watched a chick flick that involved some hot romping in bed, I felt sadness that that part of my life seemed to be over.

  When I remained silent, Ali went on.

  “Hell, years ago we had to worry about pregnancy. There’s a certain freedom in reaching a point in your life where lovemaking is simply pleasure. Both in the giving and receiving.”

  I was saved from commenting by the ringing of Ali’s phone.

  “Cedar Key Bed and Breakfast,” she said, in her polished business tone. “Monica. Hey, it’s great to hear your voice. Yup, she’s right here.”

  I rolled my eyes as I reached for the phone. “Hi, sweetie. How’re you doing?”

  “More to the point, how are you doing? Have you decided what the heck you’re going to do down there? Are you sure you shouldn’t have stayed up here? God, Mom, you’ve got yourself in quite a situation.”

  As if I didn’t know that, and I could always depend on Monica to make me feel worse than I did. Never one to cut me any slack, she always stormed full speed ahead on everything. She made me feel like all of this was my fault. My fault that Stephen died, my fault that I got evicted, and my fault she’d lost her childhood home. Unlike me, Monica had always been sure of herself. Strong willed and independent, she made no pretense of the fact that I should have known better than to leave the house in Stephen’s name. She also blamed me for not paying more attention to her father’s hobby of gambling. Monica maintained I should have been aware that he visited the dog and horse track more than was normal.

  My anger flared up and I didn’t mince words with her. “I have no idea what I’m going to do. But you know what, Monica? You can be assured you will not be called upon to look after your middle-aged mother. I guarantee you of that.” Pushing the disconnect button, I slammed the phone on the table.

  “Hmm,” Ali said, picking up the phone to inspect any damage. “Aren’t mother-daughter relationships wonderful?”

  3

  Sitting in the quiet garden was quickly becoming my favorite way to start my days. While my Lexington neighborhood wasn’t overly noisy, it did have a fair amount of sound. Car doors slamming, the roar of a motorcycle in the distance, or the faint voice of the WBZ disc jockey floating onto my patio from the radio next door. But here on the island, it was utter and complete silence during the early morning. Occasionally, I’d hear the engine of an air boat across the water. But even that I found to be a soothing hum.

  After my conversation with both Ali and Monica the evening before, I’d decided this was the day I’d head downtown and attempt to find some type of employment. I looked up to see Ali and Winston walking toward me. Lilly immediately ran to her new best friend and both dogs took off to explore the garden.

  “Feeling better this morning?” Ali questioned, pulling up a chair beside me.

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. My life is spinning out of control, and I know you’re right. I’m the only one that can change that. So first on my list is to beat the pavement downtown and try to find a job.”

  “It’s a good start.”

  I was feeling extra emotional this morning. “After all that Stephen did to me—the lying, the betrayal, the secrets—I still miss him,” I said, as tears formed in my eyes.

  “Well, of course you do, Syd. God, you were married to the man more than half your life. Even couples with marriages not made in heaven have a certain attachment and fondness for each other. Stephen wasn’t a mean person.”

  I blew my nose into a tissue and nodded. “You’re right. I think he meant well. He just had this terrible addiction to gambling, I guess. But why the hell couldn’t he tell me about it? I mean, I knew he loved playing the lottery. I even went with him a few times to Suffolk Downs and to Rockingham for the races, but I never realized he was a compulsive gambler.”

  “He was ashamed. Admitting this to you would have meant he was…well, flawed. And Stephen was a very proud person. He was the doctor. The one to always fix things. People and situations. But this was something he couldn’t fix. Not alone. And obviously, he never sought help for his addiction.”

  “Half of me misses him. You know, the physical presence of him. And the other half of me…hates him. I hate him for doing this to me. For leaving me completely alone and on my own.” I felt the tears streaming down my face once again as Ali stood up and leaned over to put her arms around me.

  Looking down at my face, she said, “We’re going to get through this, Syd. It’s just going to take time. Like everything else in life.”

  I enjoyed walking along Second Street in the downtown district. On a weekday, it was quiet with few vehicles or pedestrians. The weekends were when tourists flocked to the island for a respite from city life, but by Monday afternoons, the locals had their town back to themselves.

  Lilly trotted along in front of me on her leash as I passed the Historical Museum and then stopped to browse in the corner bookstore. A brand-new release by Debbie Macomber was in the window, and I realized that spending twenty dollars for a book was something I’d never given a second thought to. Twenty dollars now had much more meaning for me. I paused in front of Pelican Realty to browse at photos of homes for sale. Th
inking of my house in Lexington brought a sick feeling to the pit of my stomach. Haven Isle Gift Shop caught my eye with an attractive display of stuffed animals, glass Victorian balls in vivid shades of blue, pink, and lilac, and brass wind chimes. I passed the Jiffy store, the post office, and city hall. And then I saw a sign that made my heart beat faster. HELP WANTED, it said on a piece of cardboard nailed to the post in front of Cook’s Café. I took a deep breath and headed to an empty table at the outside patio area.

  “I think we might be welcome here,” I said to Lilly as she curled up under the table. That was one of the things I liked about this town. It was dog-friendly and outside establishments allowed well-behaved canines to visit.

  When the waitress came out, I ordered coffee. Lighting up a cigarette, I glanced across the street to the empty shops and knew those were the ones that Ali had referred to.

  “Here ya go, sweetie,” the waitress said, placing coffee in front of me and a bowl of water down for Lilly.

  “Thank you. I’m sure she appreciates that.”

  She bent down to pat Lilly and smiled. “She sure is cute. Visiting the island for the holiday?”

  In the week I’d been with Ali, I hadn’t given a thought that Thanksgiving was on Thursday. My first one in years without Stephen or Monica. My first one alone.

  “Yeah, I guess you could say I am. I arrived last week from the Boston area and I’m staying with my friend, Alison Marks. You might know her. She owns the B and B.”

  The waitress put her hands on her hips and laughed. “I sure ’nuff do. Honey, you’ll soon find out that everyone knows everyone on this island. Ain’t no secrets here. And you must be Sydney. Alison told all of us ’bout you comin’.”

  I felt foolishly pleased. I’d lived in Lexington for thirty years and barely knew my next-door neighbors.

  “Welcome to the island,” she told me. “How long you stayin’?”