Bittersweet

by Loth, Kimberly

  Dallas took my hand and led me down a natural stone stairway. I might not like water, but I loved climbing rocks. We walked into the lake. The water was nice, warmer than I expected it to be. He walked backwards, looking directly at me so I could hear him.

  “Don’t look behind you yet. Walk out here a little ways first.”

  “Ooookaaaay, why?”

  “You’ll see. Trust me. You gotta work on that.”

  “What, my trust?”

  “Yeah.”

  He did try to drown me, so I was totally justified in not trusting him.

  Finally, he motioned for me to turn around.

  I gasped. The entire cliff was carved out into a series of caves. The brown rock curved to form coves large enough for the kayaks to go in one side and come out a different one.

  “That is amazing. Can we go inside of them?”

  “That’s why we’re here.”

  The caves were wide and squat, more like cutouts than caves. We walked into one, and Dallas wrapped his arm around me and kissed me deeply.

  I pulled away a little bit. “People.”

  He shrugged. “So, I don’t really care. I can’t keep my hands off you and I don’t plan on trying.”

  I waded for a while, and Dallas swam and teased the kayakers. The women ate him up. One guy nearly hit Dallas over the head with the paddle after he flirted with the guy’s wife for too long. Truthfully, I didn’t worry about it. It was just his personality.

  The caves were amazing and I was a little sad to leave that night.

  Back in the RV, I put on a t-shirt and we drove into town. We had dinner at a little café with only outdoor seating. The fish was to die for. After that we found a chocolate shop. It was sweet that Dallas thought to bring me there, but it didn’t measure up to the European stuff I was used to. By the time we got back it was already dark.

  Dallas grabbed a blanket and we lay on the beach, admiring the infinite number of stars. It wasn’t long before we were kissing again. He laid me back and slid his hand up my shirt. My skin tingled where he touched me.

  “This isn’t exactly very private. Maybe we should go back to the camper,” I said.

  “Are you sure?” I could hear the hope in his voice, and I knew what he was asking. I nodded, even though I wasn’t sure of anything at all.

  He gathered up the blanket and pulled me into the RV so fast that I didn’t even have time to think about it. He dropped the blanket and kissed me all the way to the bed. Before I knew it, I was naked and he was on top of me and I wanted what he wanted and then I remembered. Of course, I had to remember.

  Five years ago. I promised. And Dad promised. He kept his promises and I needed to keep mine.

  “Dallas, wait.”

  He leaned his forehead against mine, his breathing fast and shallow.

  “What?”

  I scooted back a little.

  “I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”

  “Yes, you can. You want this.”

  “Whether I want this or not doesn’t matter. I still can’t.”

  “Please.” His voice was pleading.

  “No.”

  I slid out from under him and searched for my clothes.

  “You prance around all day, wearing next to nothing. You’re all over me, and then suddenly you don’t want this? I thought you loved me. Isn’t that what people in love do?”

  Tears welled up in my eyes. His face twisted into a grimace. I didn’t think it was possible for Dallas to look ugly.

  “No. People who are in love wait until they are both ready. I’m not.”

  On with the shorts and a t-shirt. Screw the bra.

  “You said you were. I asked if you were sure, and you said yes. Do you have any idea what you are doing to me? You’re a fucking tease.”

  I stormed out of the camper and slammed the door. Down by the beach I sat down, pulling my knees to my chest, and stared up at the sky.

  Dad, I know you are up there somewhere. Did you know I’d run into this problem? Is that why you made me promise?

  I couldn’t believe Dallas would do that to me. I knew he had a past, but I’d never believed him to be pushy. He acted like such an ass.

  Minutes later, the door to the camper creaked open and slammed shut again. Dallas approached me, but I didn’t move. He squatted down in front of me and took my hands. I pulled them back.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  He nodded. “Fair enough. I’m sorry. I was completely and entirely out of line.”

  “You still can’t touch me.”

  He sat next to me, a little too close. I scooted away. He didn’t try to close the gap.

  “You have no idea how badly I wanted—want—you. Not just for sex. I want all of you in every way possible. I got carried away. I’m not used to being told no. I was angry and frustrated, and I know that’s no excuse, but I didn’t respect you and I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

  “Like that’s going to change those awful things you said.”

  He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I have trouble controlling myself. I’ve spent the last few years trying to fix it and I thought I was doing pretty well. But then you came around and suddenly I want things I can’t have and I say things without thinking. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again, I swear.”

  I shifted in the sand and faced him, but kept the distance between us.

  “I don’t understand. What happened that suddenly made you want to change yourself? Because if what I saw in the RV was typical of you back then, you were an asshole.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut. “I was an asshole. From the time I was fourteen, girls threw themselves at me. No one ever told me no, I always got whatever I wanted. I know that sounds horrible, and it is. It’s an awful power for a fourteen-year-old boy to have. It got worse as I got older and no one tried to temper my ego. Only Mom knew, and she didn’t do anything about it because she used my adventures for her novels. She probably thought I was exaggerating most of the time.”

  He took a deep breath. “You’re already mad, I suppose it can’t get that much worse. There are only a few people who know this story. Mom, Dad, a girl named Candace, and a couple of well-paid lawyers. Paris doesn’t even know the real story. He thinks I knocked up a girl.”

  Dallas’s dark secret. Did I want to know? Not really. But the small part of me with the morbid curiosity kept my mouth shut.

  “In high school, I spent every weekend partying. Alcohol, drugs, sex, and other things I can’t remember happened on a regular basis. The only reason I graduated is because I had a couple of tutors who did most of my work for me.”

  He paused and looked at his hands. Dallas, drugs? I couldn’t envision it. Well, maybe I could, it looked like the boy in the RV who said those awful things.

  “My senior year had just started. One of my friends was at the University of Minnesota and he invited me to a back-to-school frat party. He invited like half the senior class and a few underclassmen as well. I was disappointed when I discovered that I knew most girls at the party, I had been looking forward to a college girl. I must sound so shallow to you right now.” He grasped at the sand next to him, his knuckles tight.

  “Yeah, a little. When you say you knew most of the girls, does that mean you’d already slept with them?”

  His lips twitched a little. “Yeah. I really did not want you to know this side of me.”

  “Keep going, you’ve already started.”

  His face was empty, he looked like a ghost.

  “You have to understand, I wasn’t in my right mind. I mean I was, but I’d drunk several shots and shared a joint with a few others. You don’t think straight when that happens. Nor do you remember things. I found a girl I didn’t know. She was cute and eager. I slept with her, but I don’t remember any of it. The only clear memory I have is her pulling me upstairs to a bedroom.

  “The next day there was a police officer knocking
on our door. He said she’d accused me of rape. He didn’t arrest me, but he did ask a lot of questions and did a DNA test. I figured I’d had sex with her, but I honestly couldn’t remember.

  “Turns out, she was fourteen. I had no idea. She told them I forced her to have sex with me, that she said no and I forged on anyway.”

  It felt like a rock lodged in my throat. I couldn’t speak. I thought I knew Dallas, but this was too much. Maybe if he’d told me this before he called me a tease and basically a bitch for not having sex with him, I might have been able to handle it. But this, it was like finding out your mother was a prostitute. I moved further away from him, not enough that he would notice, but far enough that he couldn’t touch me. I had to hear the end of this story.

  Then I looked around. We were alone. If I screamed, no one would hear me. What if he was telling me this story because he planned on doing the same thing to me?

  I scrambled up.

  “Savannah, wait.”

  The RV. I could lock myself in there and he wouldn’t be able to get at me. Without a word, I ran for it.

  “Savannah, please.”

  It was hard to run in the sand. The good thing was that it slowed him down too, but he was a faster runner than I was. A good twenty feet away from the RV, Dallas caught up with me. He grabbed me from behind, wrapping his arms tight around my chest.

  I squirmed and kicked.

  “Let me go.”

  His breath was hot in my ear. “Please, just let me finish the story.”

  I stilled. “Is it going to end well?”

  “Not really.”

  I stomped hard on his foot. “Then let me go.”

  He let go and I ran for the RV. I made it in the door, locked it, then dropped into the driver’s seat and shoved my hand into the cup holder where Dallas kept the keys. No keys. Shit. I looked around and couldn’t find the keys anywhere. Maybe he left them in his pocket. I found clothes scattered on the floor by the bed, but his shorts weren’t there. Double shit.

  Behind me, the door clattered. It opened and heavy footsteps stomped up the stairs. My hands began to tremble. I spun around when he was in the doorway. Pointing a shaky finger at him, I said, “Go away.”

  He held up his hands. “Savannah, I am not going to hurt you, but you need to hear the end of this.”

  That would buy some time while I figured out what to do. I backed up against the bed and nodded. He ran a hand through his hair again.

  “Here’s the problem. I don’t remember what happened. Maybe she did say no and maybe she didn’t. If I at least knew for sure, then I could do something about it. But since I don’t, I’ll never know if I’m a monster or not. Most of the time I think I’m not, that she was lying to get attention or money. But then I do some asshole thing like this and I wonder if maybe she did say no. It’s why I stopped dating. I don’t know if I can trust myself.”

  My heart stilled and the rock in my throat softened a bit.

  I sat on the bed. “What happened then? I mean, you’re not in jail and you got a teaching certificate so you can’t have a record.”

  He sighed and leaned against the wall.

  “Mom paid her off before official charges were filed. Between that and the fact that I fully cooperated with the police officers, the case was dropped. She moved and I went off to college. Mom put Paris in a private high school in case there were any rumors floating around. No one else knows. You’re the first person I’ve told.”

  “I thought you had a girlfriend a couple of years back.”

  “I did. It was pretty superficial, but it showed me that I was capable of a relationship.”

  The fear that had overcome me earlier was gone. I felt a little silly for running away. But that was kind of a huge revelation. Would he be as horrified if he knew my secret? Probably. Maybe more.

  “Come here,” I said.

  He sat across from me and I took his hands in mine.

  “Please understand that I can’t have sex with you. Not yet.”

  His face relaxed and his shoulders dropped.

  “Why not? I’m not trying to convince you, it just sounds like there’s more to this than just desire.”

  I laughed nervously.

  “Yeah. When I turned thirteen my dad and I sat down and made promises to each other. We each made three. One of the promises he asked of me was that I wouldn’t lose my virginity to someone I hadn’t been together with for at least six months.”

  Dallas cocked his head.

  “Fair enough. In my mind we’ve been together since the day I laid eyes on you, so that means I only have to wait four and half more months. I can do that. I didn’t realize you were a virgin. I mean, I probably should’ve assumed, but didn’t really think about it. I would be honored to wait for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “What were the other two promises?”

  “Not to go to college until I had something I passionately wanted to do. And to ride on.”

  He snorted.

  “The Cedar Point slogan?”

  “Yeah, but it means to never back away from something that scares you. Truthfully, we made that promise when I rode my first coaster at age seven. He made the same promise to me.”

  “What were his other two?”

  “My dad was a recreational drug user. That really bothered me, so I asked him to quit and promise not to do any drugs ever again. Then he promised to call me once a week no matter what.”

  He nodded. I forged on.

  “Can I tell you something weird?”

  “Sure.”

  “The week after he died I got an email from him. And they’ve kept coming, every week. Even though he’s been dead for two years. He’s kept his promise from the grave. How could I not keep mine?”

  Dallas raised his eyebrow. “You are saying you get emails from your dead dad.”

  I gripped the blanket and looked down so I didn’t have to see the skepticism in his eyes. “Yeah. Obviously they aren’t coming from him, but somehow he set this up before he died.”

  “How do you know they are from him and not someone else?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t. But it keeps him alive for me. I have to keep this promise. Do you think I’m crazy?”

  I raised my eyes and looked at him. I had to know if he thought I was insane. He smiled.

  “Of course you’re a little crazy, but I love you, Savannah Ray, and I’m willing to wait for as long as you want.”

  July 15

  From: coasterdaddy@email.com

  To: chocolatequeen@email.com

  Savannah,

  You know, I had my heart broken once. That was unusual because normally I did the heartbreaking. I dated her right before I met Gina. She crushed me, left me for another man. That was the first time I tried to kill myself. I’m glad I didn’t succeed because that meant I got a few more years with you. My eventual end was inevitable. I hope you understand that. Even if I hadn’t killed myself when I did, I would’ve done it sooner or later. Did you know that depression gets worse with age? It takes control of your body and doesn’t let go. It whispers horrible thoughts into your head. It lies and you have no choice but to believe it.

  I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry.

  Dad

  A WEEK LATER, I popped into Grant’s office and found Dallas sitting there with him.

  “You’ve got to tell her,” Dallas said to Grant.

  “Tell me what?” I sat on Dallas’s lap.

  “You two really need to cut out the PDA. It’s kind of nauseating.”

  “Maybe we just need to babysit so you and Julia can finally get some alone time.”

  I kissed Dallas on the lips, knowing full well that if I weren’t Grant’s niece I’d get into serious trouble.

  “Oh please, get a room you two.”

  “I’ve got to get back to work, but I wanted to stop by and say hi. Are we going to Perkin’s tonight?” I asked.

  “Sure.”

  I bounced back to work,
giddy. Dallas had been the perfect gentleman since the “incident.” I spent the night at his house recently and he didn’t even try to get me to take my clothes off. Though Paris did. Not that I paid any attention to his comments.

  “Hey Angelica, where do you want me?”

  “You’re perky today.”

  “It’s a nice day.”

  “Entrance person.”

  Thirty minutes later, I was crouching down to tell a crying six-year-old that she was too short but that she could go ride Creeping Clowns. She sniffled and took her Dad’s hand. They walked down the stairs when I heard a screech from behind me.

  “Vanny!”

  Arms enveloped me in a fierce hug. Candie beamed at me. She didn’t know it, but she was the last person I wanted to see. Okay, that wasn’t completely true, that person would be Becca, but Candie was a close second.

  “What are you doing here?” I sputtered. She’d dyed her hair a deep black with bright pink streaks.

  “Duh, we came to see you.”

  “Wow, we? Who came with you?”

  Zane appeared behind her. He gave me a quick hug.

  “You look great, Savannah. I like your hair.”

  I needed to modify my last people on earth list. Zane was definitely below Becca. The day was so beautiful five minutes ago, now it sucked.

  “Guys, I have to work.” I never thought I’d actually be happy about working open to close.

  Grant walked up to us. “Friends of yours?” he asked, leaning against the fence. Candie and Zane didn’t say anything. Probably didn’t want me to get into trouble. How considerate. I rolled my eyes and looked at Grant.

  “Yeah, from Albert Lea. They surprised me with a visit.”

  “Then you won’t mind going home early tonight?”

  I wished I could tell him how badly I didn’t want to spend another moment with these two.

  But Candie squealed. “Oh, yay! We can go do something.”

  “What time do I get off?” I forced a smile.