Bittersweet

by Loth, Kimberly

  “No, I don’t know that, thankyouverymuch.”

  “You mean you two haven’t slept together? No wonder he was so damn eager.”

  She swung the gate open and danced out to the next train.

  I retreated to the corner so that I didn’t have to talk to her. Every once in a while she’d look back at me and grin. Was she lying? Dallas said he had something to tell me. Julia said he did something stupid at the party. But sex? Would he really betray me like that?

  I was starting to feel numb. I wondered if I wanted to succumb or allow myself to feel pain. I didn’t want pain. But the thought of going back to numbness… I shuddered.

  Deep breath. I wouldn’t assume anything until I talked to him.

  When Angelica came to relieve me and send me to lunch she smiled sympathetically.

  “You found out, huh?”

  “How could you tell?”

  “You face is scrunched up like you just smelled shit. We are all pretty pissed at Becca, she totally took advantage of the fact that Dallas was drunk.”

  “Drunk or not, he knew better.”

  She cocked her head. “Did he? I heard him yell, ‘holy shit, you’re not Savannah!’ just before he stormed out of the bedroom half naked. I think he thought she was you. Sweetie, he is so hot.” She waved her hand in front of her face.

  How could he not tell the difference between Becca and me? What an asshole.

  I didn’t say anything. I just turned around and ran down the stairs toward the cedar gates. I would not assume anything until I heard it straight from Dallas’s lips. He could lie all he wanted and I was going to believe him. I needed this to not be true.

  I pounded on the office door. Julia opened and beckoned me in.

  She looked at her watch. “He should be back in about fifteen.”

  “I’ll wait.”

  She fiddled with her headset and avoided my eyes.

  “Who’d you talk to?”

  “Becca and Angelica.”

  She shook her head.

  “Yeah, they enjoyed everything last night way too much. After Dallas left, Becca and I got into it. I couldn’t believe she did that to you. You know, Angelica told Dallas you had a surprise for him, and then she blindfolded him and had him wait in one of the bedrooms. My guess is Becca never uttered a word. He thought it was you.”

  “Right, so he can’t even tell that he’s kissing someone else. I’m not buying that.”

  “He was wasted.”

  I crossed my arms.

  “That’s no excuse.”

  She shrugged and answered a call.

  “What do you mean you and Becca got into it?” I asked when she hung up.

  Julia held up her arm. It was covered with red streaks. “That girl’s got claws.”

  I grinned. “But you’ve got a mean left hook, right?”

  “Her nose exploded with blood. That was the end of our fight.” She fiddled with her headset for a second. “I’m sorry about what Dallas did. I hope you two make it through this.”

  I stewed in the office my entire break and he never returned. Finally I had to go clock back in.

  Dallas rushed up to me just before I punched in.

  “Savannah, finally. I’m so sorry. It was such a stupid mistake. I need to explain what happened last night.”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “I have to go back to work, but you can answer one question. I talked to Becca. Is what she said true?”

  “I didn’t know you talked to her already.”

  “Is. It. True?”

  Slowly, he nodded.

  “We are done,” I said, and stormed away.

  I SLID MY CARD IN THE clock and rushed away. I didn’t look back.

  The pain ate at my insides like a giant centipede gnawing on a rotten piece of fruit. I was physically ill and I didn’t know how I would get through the rest of the night. Was this how my dad felt in his last few days? Physical pain from emotional wounds? Did he feel like this all the time? No wonder he jumped.

  After closing Cyclops with a very grumpy Jeff, I slowly made my way back to the front of the park. I didn’t want to go home and face my empty bed. I felt the need to do something stupid and reckless.

  Paris appeared right in front of me. He looked sympathetic.

  “How are you?”

  “Oh spare me, why is everyone all ‘poor Savannah?’ I’m fine.” I rolled my eyes to reinforce the idea that nothing was wrong.

  “So you forgave him?”

  “We broke up.”

  He reached for me. At first I thought it was just for a hug, to comfort me, but then his lips were on mine and without thinking, I kissed him back.

  His kisses were different from Dallas’s, more playful and fun. He pulled back and grinned.

  “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do that? We’re nearly alone in the park, let’s go find a more secluded place.”

  I was reminded of the night Dallas and I ran around the park together. Paris took me to the back of the park, toward the Bloody Rapids. It was the one place in the park where you felt like you were in the middle of a forest. It was beautiful but a bit creepy at times.

  Paris didn’t talk much. I was quite aware that this wasn’t relationship-building time and that he had no intentions for anything past this night. I was also aware that I was angry, and hurt, and this was so freakin’ cliché, but I didn’t care. I just wanted the pain to go away and when Paris kissed me, it did. For just a second, but that was worth it.

  We found a patch of grass where we were hidden by the trees. He kissed me again, this time his hand expertly went up my shirt. Seconds later, his hand headed south and my brain suddenly turned on.

  What was I doing?

  “Stop,” I said.

  Paris pulled away, but only a few inches. “Aw, come on, we can’t stop now.”

  I scooted out from underneath him. The déjà vu was haunting. “Yes, we can. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

  Paris scrambled to his feet. “No wonder Dallas cheated on you. I would too, if you pull this kind of shit.” He stormed away.

  I was disgusted with myself. Less than twelve hours since finding out my boyfriend cheated and I was making out with his brother. It was time to go home and sleep. Hopefully in the morning I would find that this was all just a horrible nightmare.

  Grant was my ride home so I walked into the office building. I came around the corner and heard voices. Dallas. He was the last person I wanted to see, so I hid behind the secretary’s desk.

  “I still don’t see how that will help anything,” Grant said. “I thought about telling her last night, but I’m not sure how much more she can take.”

  “She needs to know.” This was Dallas.

  Who was Grant keeping a secret from? Me?

  I almost made my presence known at that point. I didn’t think I could handle any more bombs today. If I could erase the last twenty-four hours of my life, I would do it without hesitation.

  Grant spoke again.

  “The thing is, we’ve never had a relationship before and she’s come to trust me. If I tell her now, it could ruin everything.”

  “If you don’t tell her now and keep this up, it will just make things more difficult in the long run. She thinks those emails are from her dead father.”

  My dead father. The emails.

  “But what’s the harm in letting her think they are from him?”

  “Because you are not her father.”

  I crept out from under the desk. I couldn’t listen any more. I went back into the park because I had nowhere else to go, and before I knew it I was climbing up the stairs at The Demon Drop. I slumped down next to the control booth and looked over the tracks.

  My dad didn’t keep his promises. He didn’t send me those emails. Grant pretended to be him. But why would he pretend something like that? Why would he betray me? It was so hurtful.

  I had thought life was getting better, that there was some good in the worl
d, something to hope for. But nothing was good. People betrayed you and left you hurting. Oh, I longed for the numbness. The pain was too much. I needed something to drive it away. But what was more powerful than pain?

  Fear.

  The tracks called to me. I climbed over the gate and onto the tracks, then headed up, up, up the lift. I needed fear, because I couldn’t stand pain any longer.

  Halfway up and still no fear. Is this what pain did, drive away fear? Pain seemed to want to take over everything.

  How did I go numb before, and why couldn’t I do it again?

  I looked down and waited for myself to freeze with panic, but it didn’t come. Farther up I went. All the way to the top.

  I looked down again. It was a long way. If I fell, it would hurt. I might even die.

  It wasn’t even half as tall as the ride my dad jumped from, but it still might work. Death would most certainly take away my pain. The wind picked up and the coaster swayed a little bit. I gripped the rail. My watch, that Dallas got me, caught on a nail that was sticking out. Stupid watch.

  How could Dallas do this to me? He’d become so much more than just a boyfriend. He was my best friend and confidant. As stupid as it sounded, I’d really thought he was the real deal, that we’d have a happily ever after.

  Now he was nothing to me. I took off the watch and threw it down to the ground. I couldn’t hear the thunk when it landed, but I hoped it shattered. It was really a long way down.

  Who did I have left? My mother? She hated me at the moment. Grant was just as deceitful as Dallas. I had no friends left. Is this how my father felt when he unbuckled that belt?

  I took a step forward, put my hands in front of me, and wondered if I had the same guts as my dad. Could I jump, end it all and never be in pain again? I spied the tat on my wrist and remembered why I got it. To remind myself to never put anyone through what he put me through.

  Despite our arguing, my mother still loved me. Dave probably did, too. And Grant. Dallas? Maybe. Teddy? For sure. How would he feel if he grew up knowing his sister left this earth on purpose? I pictured his sweet smile and blond curls. My insides warmed. Teddy still loved me and needed me. Suddenly my brain cleared.

  What was I thinking?

  It was then that I realized I was standing on the edge of a roller coaster. A hundred feet up. If I fell, I could die. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live and be a good big sister, go to college and help stupid kids like me who got hurt and thought there was no other option.

  I looked down and froze. Now fear decided to show its ugly face. I took a few deep breaths. I could do this. The wind picked up and I grasped the rail. I just needed to turn around and crawl across the tracks and go back down. Why was that so hard?

  I shifted my weight and both my hands slipped and I fell.

  I flailed, trying to grasp onto something, anything.

  The last thing I remembered was the knowledge that this would hurt like hell.

  EVERYTHING hurt.

  I cracked my eyelids open. Everything was a sick blue color and smelled like antiseptic. Yep, still alive, thank God. But I was in a hospital and my head hurt like hell.

  Dallas sat in a chair across from my bed, reading a book. I thought that the physical pain would override the emotional pain, but no, I still wanted to vomit when I looked at him.

  “You’ve got a lot of nerve, sitting here.”

  He dropped the book.

  “Savannah.”

  He came over to sit on the bed.

  “No, you stay over there. I don’t want to talk to you. How long have I been out?”

  He looked hurt.

  “Only a few hours.”

  “What’s broken?”

  “Nothing, miraculously. But you’re pretty bruised up. You basically belly flopped onto the grass. But you hit your head on a board on the way down. At least that’s what they think. You’ve got a gash and you were unconscious when we found you. I thought you were dead.”

  “Well, I’m not. You can go home now.”

  “Can I at least explain?”

  “That you were drunk and you thought she was me? I’ve already heard that.”

  He pulled at his hair. “It was just a kiss. I was blindfolded. As soon as I realized it wasn’t you, I ripped the blindfold off. The whole thing couldn’t have lasted more than thirty seconds. I’m so sorry.”

  Oh. Shit.

  Oh. No.

  I made out with his brother and he only barely kissed Becca.

  I couldn’t help it, I started to cry. It hurt to cry.

  He moved to go out the door.

  “Wait, don’t leave. I thought you slept with her.”

  “What? Where did you get that idea?”

  “She told me. Then when I asked you if it was true, you said yes. You thought I was just asking about the kiss. I’m such an idiot.”

  He sat on the edge of the bed.

  “Yeah, that you are. Am I forgiven?”

  I nodded. But I doubted he’d forgive me. Before I said anything though, I had to talk to Paris. If there was a tiny chance that Dallas might forgive me, Paris was a whole another story. I didn’t want to ruin their relationship.

  He held my hand. It was scratched up but didn’t hurt too bad.

  “What were you doing up there, anyway? You didn’t jump on purpose, did you?”

  “No, although I thought about it. I was just in so much pain. I wanted it to go away. I thought the fear of climbing the lift would drive it away. It didn’t. I slipped when I tried to climb back down.”

  “Was this all because you thought I slept with Becca?”

  “No. Yesterday was the shittiest day of my entire life. Well, second shittiest day, the first you know.”

  “What happened?”

  “My mother told me I was a selfish bitch and to not bother ever coming home again. I thought you’d totally cheated on me. Then I wanted to go home and I overheard you and Grant talking in his office.”

  His eyes got big.

  “You overheard us?”

  “Yeah, and I know now that my dad hadn’t written all those emails. I felt so betrayed. Still do, actually.”

  Dallas brought my hand to his lips.

  “I wish you hadn’t found out that way. You need to let him explain. He’ll be back in the morning.”

  A knocked sounded on the door and Paris poked his head in. “Can I come in?”

  “Sure,” Dallas replied.

  I took a deep breath. I’d intentionally left out a very important detail. Dallas always put such a high value on honesty.

  Paris sat on the other side of the bed. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine. Sore.”

  “Yeah, that would happen when you fall off of a roller coaster. That was a little stupid.” He grinned.

  “Ya think?” I laughed a little, but stopped myself because it hurt.

  I needed to talk to Paris alone before he said anything.

  “I’m craving chocolate. Do you think you can find any decent chocolate around here?”

  Dallas smiled. “I can sure try. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He turned to Paris. “Keep an eye on my girl, make sure she doesn’t fall out of bed.”

  Paris put his hand on my ankles. “I’ll hang on to her.”

  He waited until the door clicked shut and let go of me.

  “I’m so, so sorry. I have no idea what got into me. I’m such an idiot.”

  “So am I.”

  “I really liked you and I was so effing jealous of Dallas. Becca was bragging about how upset you were, and I just wanted to cheer you up. I didn’t mean for things to go that far. I kinda went on autopilot. What are we going to tell Dallas?”

  We made a mistake, both of us knew it. Some things were better left unsaid. This was one secret that I’d take to the grave.

  “We don’t.”

  He finally met my eyes.

  “What do you mean?”

  “It was a mistake and I don’t think Dallas need
s to know.”

  He nodded.

  “Okay. I can do that. But let’s make an agreement. If either one of us feels that at some point we need to tell him, we warn the other one first.”

  “Deal.”

  I felt a little guilty for keeping it a secret, but technically I’d just broken up with Dallas so it wasn’t really cheating. Plus, if we told him what we did, it could destroy his relationship with Paris. I didn’t want to be responsible for that.

  A nurse came in. She asked me if was in pain. I nodded.

  “Do you want something for the pain? It’ll make you sleepy.”

  “Please.”

  She put a needle into the IV and I felt sleepy immediately.

  Paris patted my hand. “Thanks.” His blond head disappeared out of the room just before my eyes drifted shut.

  When I woke again, the first thing I noticed was that there was someone sleeping on my shoulder.

  I shifted. Dallas lifted his head and looked at me bleary-eyed.

  “Is it okay that I slept with you?”

  I smiled.

  “Anytime.”

  The door opened and Grant walked in.

  Dallas slipped off the bed. “I should let you two talk.”

  He left the room and Grant sat on a chair by the bed. I didn’t say anything. Didn’t know what to say. After about a minute of awkward silence Grant spoke.

  “A few days after your Dad died I received a package from him. I think he dropped in the mail the day he died.”

  I closed my eyes. I remembered that. He told me he had to mail something and I was all irritated because I was afraid we’d get to the park after it opened. We always got to the park early and waited for the gates to open.

  “In there I found three things. Your Dad’s journals, a letter for you and a letter for me. I opened the letter addressed to me. He told me that he had a promise to keep to you and he hoped that I would help. He left instructions on how to get into his email and told me when to send each email. There were probably seventy-five emails in the drafts folder. I sent one every Sunday, just like your Dad told me too. But a few months ago I sent the last one.”

  He paused and rubbed his face.

  “I didn’t know what you’d think if you stopped getting them. So I started writing them myself. I didn’t want you to lose him again. I never meant to hurt you.”