Shakespeare's Lady

by Alexa Schnee

  “Are you planning on touring this year?” I asked. “It is spring.”

  “Yes,” he gruffly answered. My hope for our relationship to grow began to diminish. “I am waiting for William to return to court before I go.”

  And we didn’t talk any more on the matter.

  ALFONSO WAITED A FULL month for William to return to court. And then, one rainy spring day, he came back.

  Henry and I stayed behind in the room while Alfonso welcomed his friend to court. Although William would have rejoiced at seeing how big Henry had gotten—and would have hopefully been pleased to see me—Alfonso thought it best we stay in the chamber. I agreed. William had suffered a great loss, and maybe at the moment he needed a friend more than a lover.

  I wasn’t allowed to see him for a week. Those were long days, filled with children’s games for Henry. I had plenty of time to think while William and Alfonso were together. What if he had gone back to his wife and realized that he couldn’t continue with me? My heart ached at that thought. Maybe he had fallen in love with her again. Maybe his child’s death had brought his feelings for his family into sharp perspective. Maybe it was for the best.

  I didn’t see him until Alfonso and Henry had left. It was a bittersweet parting. Henry was thrilled to return to work, but I would miss him greatly and not see him for many months. I hoped my kisses and hugs would last that long.

  After they had left, I rushed to find William. I was afraid. I didn’t know what I would do if William had changed from when I had seen him last. I knocked gently on his door five times. There was no sound from the other side. I wondered if he was out. I was about to turn away when I heard a rustling and the door creaked open.

  “Emilia?” he whispered. His voice croaked with a sadness I could not describe. It pained me to hear him so upset.

  “Yes.”

  “Come in.” He said the words with such a melancholy ease. It was as if he wasn’t even trying to speak and the words escaped his lips anyway.

  I prodded the door open a little more so I could inch my way through it. I was hesitant to enter. Would he have aged in such a short time? What would I do if he didn’t want me anymore?

  He sat on the bed, facing the wall, his hands clasped between his legs as usual. He did not look at me when I entered, but I sensed that he wanted to. He partially turned his head toward me and then went back to looking at the ground. I slowly pulled out a chair so I wouldn’t disturb him, tucked my skirts underneath me, and waited for him to say something. I wasn’t going to seem as though I needed him, although I needed him desperately.

  I waited for several minutes, admiring his profile. I loved him so much, and not just for the excitement of the forbidden or because he saw me as no one else had, but because he was now part of me. I could not think of myself without him. He was as much a part of me as breathing was. Some nights when he was away, I had prayed to God that I could breathe when he did, because it made me feel closer even if we were far apart.

  When he finally spoke, his voice came out so softly I could barely hear it.

  “The boy…,” he said. “He saw things as you and I do. He wanted to be a playwright like his father.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t imagine his pain. I had never lost anyone that I truly cared about. What could I tell him? I should have come prepared with kind and thoughtful words. Instead, I seemed as thoughtless and as uncaring as my husband.

  He looked over at me, and I was surprised to see that his face looked as I remembered it. He looked tired and the lines around his eyes appeared to be deeper, but his eyes penetrated mine in the same way they used to.

  “I have missed you,” he said.

  I knew in that instant that he still cared. The look on his face was one of fear, his forehead wrinkled and his eyes wide. He was afraid of losing me, of losing love, of losing everything.

  He stood up and strode over to me, his face focused on mine, and then continued.

  “I don’t want to lose things. I don’t want to go through my life losing the things I love before I get to truly love them. Why are we being so cautious? Because we are afraid of what the queen is going to do? Does it matter? I love you. I don’t want to hide it. I don’t want to cower behind walls and pretend as though we have never seen each other. I took advantage of my luck once before. What if I do that again and I lose you?”

  “But…,” I tried to intercede.

  “Emilia.” He took my hands. “What will the queen do? She wouldn’t dare hurt Alfonso or little Henry. She would only punish us. I have been punished more than ever by losing someone I love. My heart broke in two. The only person who could fix it would be you. I can arrange a ship to take us to Venice and we could journey on to Verona….”

  “Have you completely lost your mind?”

  He shrugged.

  “Perhaps. But perhaps in losing my sanity, I have come to see what’s truly important to me.”

  I had dealt with William’s strange notions before, but this was entirely ridiculous. I could not think of anything other than my child, who had left only a few hours earlier, and what the queen might do to him when she found out. What would he do without his mother? All his life he would be shamed by the woman who exchanged his happiness and pride for her own.

  “William, perhaps you should think about this—”

  “What do you think I have been doing?” He laughed, but it sounded sad. “I have spent these months wondering what is left for me. I have hopes for a theatre, but those are only hopes and wishes. I have a wife I cannot live with. I have a friend, but I am madly in love with his wife. What can I lose? My life? That is no excuse. What am I living for? I am living for you. Remember when I told you I wanted to know what love was like? I have found it. It wasn’t as it was supposed to be. It wasn’t right or ethical. It’s the most heart-wrenching, saddening emotion I have ever experienced. And you know what? It’s even more heartbreaking when I can’t at least let the world know how I feel.”

  I stood up and walked to the other side of the room so I could look out the window instead of into his piercing eyes. It was a dark day outside, clouds of gray looking as though they might spout rain at any moment. William hadn’t lit any lamps in his room, so it was dim inside too.

  “What do you expect me to do?” I said. “Parade it around in front of everyone? You think no one will condemn us for it, but they will. Even if you don’t care, there are other people who will be affected by our open display. I love you as well. Can you not just be content with this knowledge?”

  “Hardly.” He threw his hands in the air. “I know you love me. Of all people, I would think you would want to break free of the cage that holds you. You of all people would want to make your own decisions. You have been trapped. Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if the only reason you love me is because I gave you that feeling of freedom. You know what you are doing is wrong and you have tried to pull yourself away, but in reality you want that taste of freedom in your mouth.”

  “Do not turn my reasoning against me,” I cried. “You said you were content with being careful. You promised. Now here you are, trying to convince me otherwise.”

  He grabbed a hold of my shoulders.

  “What do you want? Do you want to keep living as you have been for the rest of your life? You may think there is an end to it, but there never is. You may think that when Henry is old enough to take care of himself you can do what you want, but then it will be something else. Alfonso, Margaret, the queen… There is no better time than now. Why shouldn’t you be selfish? Why shouldn’t you live your life the way it was meant to be lived? You are wasting it away.”

  His words echoed throughout my body. Their reality made me more hopeless and confused than ever.

  “You can’t be sure of what the queen would do,” I countered. “You say she wouldn’t hurt Henry or Margaret, but we would never know until it was too late. I don’t want to die, William. Perhaps that is a lack of faith or an understanding I haven�
�t reached yet, but I don’t want to leave this world. I need to be here for Henry. The queen is unpredictable.”

  “The queen has had her own share of affairs,” William commented. “Even though she still acts as though her virginity is uncompromised.”

  I knew he was right. The queen was just as guilty as we were, yet she could do whatever she wished.

  “Yes, but we are not royalty.”

  He paused. His mind was far away. “What do you want? I have asked you this before, and you refuse to answer me. You know what I want. I want you as mine to love. I don’t want to hide anymore. We can start something new together—something better,” he said more softly than he had earlier.

  Here was my chance for acceptance. Here was a man willing to lay down his life for love. Here was what I had wanted forever. Yet I was afraid to take it.

  William wrapped his arms around my body. His mouth was next to my ear, and I could hear him breathe a steady, constant breath. He smelled so good and his arms felt strong around me, but I felt as though I was the one comforting him. I let him kiss my cheek, delighting in its gentleness.

  “I don’t know how much longer I am going to have you,” he said.

  “Why risk it?” I asked in the same hushed tone. “You will have me longer if we don’t risk running away.”

  “Because I will never have you fully until we can be together for good,” he replied. “Who could refrain that had a heart to love and, in that heart, courage to make love known?”

  “You are unsound,” I said. “Completely unsound.”

  “I know.” He laughed. “And that’s why I can’t live my life like a normal person. I want to taste life as it was meant to be tasted, and I can’t see my life being complete until I have you. Come to Italy with me.”

  I thought about what he’d said. I thought about finally being able to do what I really wanted. Did I want to spend the rest of my life trapped with Alfonso? Or did I want to be with William?

  “What about Alfonso?” I asked.

  “He will answer to me.”

  “Your supporters for the theatre?”

  “I will find others.”

  “The queen?” I saved the most dreadful for last.

  “God save her.”

  I LEFT HIS ROOM promising that I would think over his request—no, his demand. I worried about William. I lay awake that night. My mind raced. Was it worth it? Could we really be open about our relationship?

  As I walked the halls, I heard whispers of gossip from the young ladies. They looked at me with their fine dresses and knowing smirks. I could hear William’s name on their breath as they snickered at me.

  I was afraid of the control William had over me. It wasn’t like the control Alfonso had, where I was only allowed to go to the places he wanted me to and see the people he approved of. William controlled my thoughts.

  The next day, I was prepared to tell William my choice. I had made my decision, and there was no turning back. My choice burned my lips when I told him what I wanted.

  It surprised me almost as much as him.

  He looked at me if I were the only thing on earth that could ever matter to him. I was his focus. I was his passion. I looked into his eyes, and my mind went blank but for the thought that now we could really love each other the way we were meant to.

  Life was so short; I knew this well. I had seen so much of my life pass before me. When I was old, would I look back and wish we had been more careful? No, I would have wished we had had more time together, more time to be in love.

  William couldn’t contain his joy at the news. I had chosen him over everything. I had given up my only son, my husband, the security of the queen’s favor…my very soul. He began arranging plans for a boat to Italy, a place he had always dreamed of going. Once the Globe was finished, I would never see the queen, Margaret, Alfonso, or Henry again. I would say good-bye to England—the only home I had ever known.

  And so William and I began again.

  WE SPENT MOST OF our time together. I loved talking to him. I couldn’t resist his touch and the feel of his body against mine. I had never felt this way before. I remembered watching the other ladies-inwaiting and feeling their excitement when they fell in love. This time, however, it was me. I still felt anxious in the pit of my stomach, but I tried to ignore it and enjoy his hand in mine and the taste of his lips.

  William often let me know how the Globe was progressing. He was contracted to it until it stood high above the London houses, and he also had several plays he needed to finish for the opening. But as soon as it was finished, we were to depart and never return.

  We sat in his chambers late at night, trying to finish them in time. He wrote faster than I had ever seen, mumbling lines and rhymes. The smell of ink overpowered the room, and several times I had to ask the maid to bring more for him. The shutters were opened to let in a breeze, and moonlight permeated the room. William ignored the beautiful night and continued to dip his quill into his brass container.

  “Could you edit these for me?” he would say as he tossed me Romeo and Juliet or The Taming of the Shrew.

  “Must you make Kat so despicable?” I complained. “She should have at least one redeeming trait.”

  William laughed while he scribbled in The Two Gentlemen of Verona.

  “So the shrew should be terrible and likable at the same time? Very well. For you, my lady.”

  THOSE DAYS WERE PRECIOUS. I couldn’t believe this was my life. I didn’t want to think about the consequences, even after I received a letter from Margaret. I walked outside to the courtyard to read it, my autumn clothes laced tightly so I would not feel the cool air. Even though the sun shone, the air was crisp with the coming of winter. I opened the envelope with dread.

  Emilia,

  I thought you were going to be careful. Your apparent secret is on the lips of every lady in the court. If you didn’t think yourself popular before this, you most certainly are now. I can only offer one piece of advice. Return to London. If you are to display your affection for Shakespeare, at least do it where only neighbors can see it.

  The queen will not look on this with favor. I do not think she knows yet, but she will. She may tell herself it does not bother her, but it will eat at her until her temper boils over. There is no knowing what she will do when this occurs.

  Please understand that my words are meant to save you from the same fate as Frances and Bess. They risked it all and gained nothing worth remembering. Remember who you are. Remember what you did to achieve this. I have lost George already; I don’t want to lose you too.

  I will do my best to make sure the queen does not find out, but I cannot promise that it will escape her ears. I cannot promise that she will act kindly. I cannot promise anything, which is the danger of it all.

  Take care of yourself,

  Margaret

  I was touched. I would have understood if she had abandoned me and our friendship, but she hadn’t. She would continue to protect me.

  I considered returning to London. It wasn’t a bad idea. William and I could be in peace there, and we wouldn’t have to worry about the wandering eyes at court. But I would have to write to Alfonso to make sure I could go, and he might wonder why I wanted to return. I had spent years trying to convince him to let me return to court. And in order to finish his theatre, William needed to earn the support of the queen and several dukes and earls. He needed to be a presence at court.

  Nevertheless, I mentioned it to William one evening when we were alone in his chambers. He had had a trying day with the queen, and the lines around his eyes looked deeper than ever. He held his head in his hands as he sat at his desk. I had closed the shutters to avoid a draft, but the last bit of sunlight still poked through the slats. It was light enough that we didn’t have to light a candle.

  “William,” I said, sitting on the bed.

  He smiled tiredly. Just the corners of his mouth rose. “Yes, darling?”

  “What would you think if we went
back to London, just until we depart for Italy?”

  He was silent a second before he answered. “London?”

  I nodded, noticing the tentative way he spoke. He scratched his head, and I knew he did not approve of the idea.

  “We could hide better there. It would be safer than waiting here until the theatre is done. It’s only a thought, but…”

  “You know I need supporters for the Globe. I can’t leave.”

  His reply was definitive. I searched his face for some way he could be persuaded, but his smile didn’t change. After a moment, he reached over and took my hand.

  “We’ll be all right. Soon we will be free.”

  I squeezed his hand in return. What he said soothed my nerves a little, but the aching in my heart made me feel as though he was once again choosing his theatre, his work, over me.

  But these were some of the best days of my life. William was right. Freedom was all I had ever wanted. It was all I had ever dreamed it would be. Yet Frances’s words haunted me: “Someday, you will feel as I do. You will escape as I do.”

  She had known me better than I’d thought.

  ENGLAND, 1598

  DURING THE REIGN OF QUEEN ELIZABETH I

  WHITEHALL COURT

  ONE DAY WILLIAM TOOK me to see the growing Globe, just down the river from Whitehall. His arm wrapped around my waist as he led me through the growing structure. It stood like a skeleton, its bones reaching to the sky. I counted how many different rows of seats there would be; planks of wood had been laid down to represent them. I could tell this was bigger than the other theatres I had been in. The Globe would surpass them all.

  William stared at it proudly, like a father.

  “That’s where the upper balcony will go.” He pointed. “And here the stage will be built.” His voice reverberated back to us, reminding me of the many voices that would crowd this space when it was finished.

  He ran his hand over the wood. I placed mine on the wood as well. It felt sturdy beneath my hand. I tried to imagine this shell fleshed out into a great theatre. Hammers and saws lay on the ground, waiting to be picked up and worked with. I imagined the brightly colored flags that would sit on top of the building, waving a welcome to spectators.