Stolen Tyme

by S. L. Ziegler

“I didn’t know if I wanted to be a part of the child’s life?” I say it as a question. It makes it better somehow. But nothing about it feels like a dodged bullet. And everything feels like I was the bullet and it only caused more pain to everyone but me.

  “Jesus Christ. Why wouldn’t you want to be? You are so involved in Charlie’s life; that makes zero sense, even to me, and I can’t imagine what Naomi is going through.”

  It’s confusing, but saying it aloud doesn’t make it easier or better thought out.

  “Do you know what I was doing for the first few years of my daughter’s life?”

  “Getting high.” She says it like it is an everyday thing for a father to be high for a chunk of a child’s life.

  “Yes. That. I was putting that first before anything else. Anything. Snorting shit up my nose, chasing a fucking high was more important than my own kid. It wasn’t ‘til I almost died that she became important. I missed everything, Hadley. Everything. Her birth…I was in a crack house. First time she was sick…high in some hotel fucking two girls at the same time. First time she crawled…buying dope in downtown because I was itching for something she couldn’t give me. I can’t even tell you what her first word was. Because the first two and a half years of her life are a fucking blur. A blur of white powder and piss poor decisions. Don’t you get it? Having a baby now brings all that shit crawling to the front of my mind. All the mistakes I made. I made. They are screaming at me, now more than ever. She wasn’t my number one choice. I can’t do that again. I can’t bring a child—children—into that, Hadley. I can’t…”

  The stars in the sky shine down as my grief rips through me. The sour taste of the disappointment from my past bitter on my tongue.

  Hadley takes hold of my hand, her strength falling from her mouth. “X, what are you going to do in five years? If you somehow see Naomi holding two little girls’ hands that look a lot like Charlie?”

  “I would die.”

  I’d more than that. But it’s one thing stuck in my mind. If I fail becoming a parent for the second time, then I have nothing more to give…anyone.

  Naomi.

  Charlie.

  The twins.

  Me.

  Nothing.

  “Exactly. You didn’t get the firsts with your first. It sucks. Fucking really sucks. I couldn’t imagine what it feels like. But, Xavier, it’s done. You’re sober this time. In the right frame of mind. This is your second chance. You get a chance to do it over. With two babies. If you don’t, you will regret that for the rest of your life. I know that. And deep down, you do too. I think you’re just scared. And that’s okay. Hell, I was…I am with this one.” She places her hand on her growing stomach.

  “Naomi deserves more than me. Look what I turned Zoey into. Lock called me poison, and he’s right. It spreads.” I thread my fingers through my hair.

  My life unraveling one bad decision at a time, and it all started the second I decided I thought I was stronger than drugs.

  I never was.

  Never will be.

  “Do you really think you turned Zoey into what she became? You didn’t. Not even close. From what Lock said, she was insane before. You were just blinded by big boobs. Now with what Lock said… Well, he’s mad. Furious. And he has a right to be, but his words are just that…words. We all say shit when we get mad. It’s part of being human. Did you mean what you said about Naomi being an awful mother? Or the other things you’ve said to her? No, you didn’t. I know that. And you do, too.”

  I shake my head. I didn’t. I saw beyond red that night. My daughter was the only thing I could process, and losing her meant losing myself.

  “Exactly, X. What you said about not wanting a baby was your head speaking. Not your heart. Being a parent means a lot to you. I don’t want you to look back at this time and see shame.”

  It hit me like running full speed into bricks. I couldn’t fall because I was stuck on solid ground. Am stuck. I didn’t want to take a chance and step on a higher ground, what could be a better ground. Higher meant falling farther. Failing. Only thing—if I don’t step up and see my children grow, then I’ll be failing in more ways than one, and in the only ways that count.

  My past was rubbing off on me. The old me was still intertwining in the person I worked so fucking hard at becoming. I clawed my way out of addiction, now it’s time to claw my way out of the shame and remorse.

  The guilt.

  What I should do is scoop Naomi up in my arms and lock her in my room for us to work this out.

  It’s what I should have done.

  Best interest for all parties.

  But I somehow lost all reason and thought. My brain turned to mush.

  She pushed me out with goodbye on her lips.

  Nope. Not going to work.

  It was like a light shined down on me. I didn’t want a child because of my past and my worries. Not because I didn’t want one.

  I was letting my past dictate my future.

  No more.

  I want Naomi. I want our babies. And I want them all now.

  “You get it now, don’t you?”

  Get it.

  Got it.

  “I do.”

  “I’m giving you the heads-up—Naomi isn’t going to be so open to you being in a relationship after everything. But stay strong and prove to her with actions that you will be present. After some time, you’ll break down her walls and get in.”

  Fuck.

  “I messed up.”

  “You did. Now get out of here. Reed will probably be pissed you’re taking all his baby-free time.”

  “Hads, thank you. For everything.”

  “Yeah. Whatever. Get out of here. Make the first step to righting your wrongs.”

  Hopping in my truck, a renewed sense of purpose enters my brain. I understand why now. This empty spot in my heart will no longer be there.

  Now it’s time to fix the hell I caused.

  No more cold…only hot.

  Chapter 26

  Naomi

  I stare out the window of the cabin my father rented; he wanted a quiet place for me. But I know Lock was nervous that Xavier would find me at home. Just looking at the small dust of snow on the ground sends chills through my body. Hot or cold, there hasn’t been anything in between. I’m totally blaming the body temperature issues on my hormones.

  Placing a hand over my stomach, I smile. Genuinely. I could have lost these precious babies, and from now on, my health will be my number one priority. If that means staying here ‘til I feel healthy enough to leave, I will. I can move when they’re born. Or I don’t have to. Everything is up in the air. And I’m perfectly fine with that.

  I still believe in happiness in my future. I may be a fool for it, but I know everything will work out the way fate wants it to be.

  I feel it to my toes. In my heart and my brain.

  Still, something deep in me burned for X to be part of that future. Nothing can compare to my first love.

  Gathering my thoughts, I pull the blanket over my lap. A door slams, and then I hear him, screaming for me to answer the door before he even has a chance to knock.

  The blanket falls to the floor, my mind gone. I open the door and am smacked in the face by Xavier. Not literally, but by the way he looks. Breathing heavily, hair a mess, looking like he didn’t sleep a wink the night before. But still, my X.

  His eyes lock on mine, and for three heartbeats, I forget the hurtful things he said, what he turned his back on.

  Then suddenly, in a breathless release, a stab of feelings returns and ruins our connection.

  Things he said.

  Things he did.

  Him walking away.

  Everything.

  Like I was nothing to him.

  “What are you doing here?” My voice fills with as much aggression as I can throw at him.

  X leans on the doorframe for support. “Naomi. Can I have just two minutes to explain things to you? After that, you can kick me out.�
��

  I stare at him, tired of all this between us.

  “Two minutes, Omi. That’s it.”

  Opening the door, I concede. “Fine. But I’m timing you. And it starts now.”

  He sighs in relief. “That snow came out of nowhere.”

  Small talk.

  Sitting back down, I pull the covers over me, more for support than stopping the chill from hitting my body. “You are going to waste the two minutes talking about the weather?” I raise my brow at him.

  X shakes his head, my rudeness not affecting him in the slightest. “Sorry, no I’m not. I fucked up.”

  The light that shone on our relationship is no longer there. “No, it was for the best.”

  Xavier made it known from the beginning that a baby didn’t fit the lifestyle he wanted. I’m not going to force him now. If I do, the glass left is too easily broken.

  His face is beet-red as his chest still moves rapidly and he breathes heavily. I was worried about him, but I wasn’t sure why.

  “Are you okay?” My face scrunches up as I wonder if he’s going to have a heart attack.

  “Yep, not young like you. I had to rush here, scared that if I didn’t, you would leave. Can I please sit down?”

  I glance over his shoulder, if I kick him out without talking to him, the questions will remain unanswered. And that’s not the closure we should have. Not when the next step I need is to stay healthy.

  “Okay.”

  “You can’t leave yet. You can’t go to Vegas. I won’t let you. You’ve already been gone for too long.”

  “It’s not your choice.” It’s not. Xavier doesn’t need to know I’m staying right now. He’s made that choice for me too many times.

  I’ll go where I want. When I want.

  It just so happens that right here is where I want to be at this moment. It has nothing to do with him.

  “See, that’s the problem. And what I’ve been thinking since you told me to make up my mind. These are our children. Not yours. Not mine. Ours, Naomi. Ours. I did all this shit backward last time—oh, fuck, maybe we both did it backward.”

  “X, no. It wasn’t backward. It was just…wrong.” The touch of bitterness colors my words. The fire in the back crackles as the silence between what I said caused a draft between us.

  The muscles in his neck flex with tension. “It wasn’t wrong. Not in the slightest. All I fucking know is I pushed you away. I keep pushing you away. I told you I didn’t love you when I did. And it wasn’t what I wanted. Me leaving you after the shit hit the fan with Charlie wasn’t what I wanted. Not beating up the fucking dickhead lawyer yesterday wasn’t what I wanted. Guess what? Turning my back on you when you were in the hospital was the worst thing I could do. You needed me. And I left like the fucking coward I was. So now…now, Naomi, I’m doing what I want. What I should have done from the moment I heard. Stay. Here. With me. I want to be in our nuggets’ lives as a father. Your life as yours. I want to be maxed out on all this love shit. As a family. One that isn’t divided. Because I love you.”

  “No,” I spit out.

  Everything he just said sounds flawless.

  Too spotless. And when the spots show, nothing will be left of me to give to our children. I won’t give in to him. Nope, not doing it. Not this time. If I do, it will be me breaking my heart this time. Not him, and I don’t have that in me to put myself back together, waiting and hoping to be the center anymore.

  Xavier will never know that he was the star of my own show, and it’s not happening again.

  He can be in our children’s lives, I would never take that option from him, and I made that clear from the moment I knew I had another life to worry about.

  But the door on us is shut.

  “Yes.”

  “Nope.” But as the word floats off my tongue, his fingers graze my neck before pulling my silver necklace off my chest. “See this? It’s your center.” He takes his ring off his thumb, placing them together in his palm. “And now you’re my center. These rings are us.”

  My heart skips over my breaths.

  My mind jumps over the meaning.

  Symbol.

  That’s what it meant to me.

  But between the circle of rings lies a broken spirit, fears, and a dream for more that vanished.

  That’s what the symbol means now.

  His voice covers me like a warm blanket, only it’s rehearsed. Planned. And he is the only one who hasn’t figured that out yet. Words that mean something in the heat of conversations. Those I can’t forget. I won’t forget what those meant to me.

  “That sounds good, but what about what you said about me being a mother? And the things about not wanting another child? You said that way too many times for me to ignore.”

  “I was a fucking ass. I overacted. I seem to always do that when it comes to you. I had blinders on and only saw Charlie being taken away from me. But what I didn’t think about was you never being a part of my life. I shoved you away last time, now it’s my turn to pull you closer.”

  Salt in the wound as he acts like I should just forgive him.

  “That still doesn’t change the fact you don’t want another child. Let alone two.”

  “You know why I didn’t want another child?”

  “No. You just said you didn’t want one.”

  He couldn’t make it any plainer.

  There’s only so much he can say—he didn’t want one and to not ask any more questions about it.

  “I didn’t want another one because I was awful the first time around. I don’t remember feeling Zoey’s stomach when Charlie kicked, or the ultrasounds, or the first words, or first steps. I was too high, and the thought of messing that up again was too much. Suffocating. That I can’t do. I sucked balls the first time, but Hadley put everything into perspective. And you having ours now is the swift kick in the ass I needed to come to the realization that I want it. Want it all with you.”

  He sets a small bag in my lap. The same tiny bag he gave me before I left the very first time. On the day of my going away party. The day he broke my heart.

  “What’s this?”

  “Call it your coming home present.”

  I lift my brows.

  “Just open it.”

  Slowly, I loosen the strings on the bag, dropping the contents into my palm.

  “Holy shit,” I whisper. The tears prick my eyes, my lips tremble, and my whole body goes into shock.

  He wouldn’t.

  He would.

  He did.

  Dead.

  “Whaaa…”

  His action leaves me speechless.

  Xavier cups my palm. “Listen, this is me telling you I’m all in. One hundred percent with you. You are my center. You can keep that in the bag until you’re ready to wear it. Or fuck, never for all I care. But it’s mine, to you. There is nothing else to say except I love you, and will forever, and I want to share this life. Mine, Charlie’s, nuggets’, and yours. Together. I never want to go home alone.”

  I blink, refusing to let more tears fall over what I know I’m about to say. “You are more than welcome to be in our children’s lives. I won’t stop you. For now, my plans are to stay here. And if you’re serious about stepping up, we’ll talk about whether I stay when they come. But I can’t promise you me.” Us together is the least of our problems.

  His eyes widen at the truth behind my words.

  Xavier is talking about his mistakes, only I made them, too. And one is always putting my feelings for him first. Not anymore.

  X nods, expelling a long breath. “I respect that. But I still want you to know I’m not leaving. Center. Baby. You are my center. I got you. Forever. I’ll make my words my actions. You won’t doubt it.”

  “Please, don’t hold your breath while you speak your lies, and don’t have me being the only reason you want to be in their lives.”

  “It’s not. The reason I want to be in their lives and yours is the same, though. Love. Simple as it is. I l
ove them, and I love you.”

  Not strong enough though, I want to say, but I bite back the words.

  And with that, I drop the vintage engagement ring back into the bag, where it belongs, and place it in his palm. “This isn’t my center anymore. Not sure if it ever was.”

  If it was then I wouldn’t feel like I have a weight right where the center of my life would be. The frigid truth is one person had control over my destiny for what felt like eternity. That isn’t the center, that’s everything.

  An unhealthy everything.

  “It was always mine. When the world goes to shit, it’s you and my daughter that bring me back.”

  I throw my arms in the air. “Exactly. That’s it. You have no room for anything or anyone else to be your center.”

  “I do, please. Let me show you. If you don’t, you will regret it.”

  A harsh laugh drips from my lips. “That’s rich coming from you.”

  “I’m speaking the truth. Let me in. Just one more time.” Xavier’s eyes search mine; his words are what I wanted to hear. Only they’re not just a little late, they’re a lot late. There is no use giving in. No use in turning back time.

  The muscles in X’s hand pulse as he grips the bag tightly. Xavier thought he could come walking in this house, with a ring, a bag, and words, and I’d fall to his feet with my arms wide open. Not the case. This time, I have more to lose than ever before. Now, those things aren’t good enough.

  If I ever want to walk through our past and be content and love my future, then they won’t be.

  They can’t be. I’ll be lonely before I go back again.

  “I’ll prove it, Omi; just wait and see. I’ll prove my feet are firmly planted right here. With you and Charlie and our children. With my center…with my home.”

  He has the same look in his eyes now as he did when he told me he loved me for the first time, the very glow of his face when we truly connected. It’s breathtakingly—painfully—beautiful. I turn away because I can’t just dust off what I feel.

  We are on different paths.

  Two separate ones.

  No use in trying to bring them together any longer.

  Chapter 27