Toni L.P. Kelner - Laura Fleming 08 - Wed and Buried

by Toni L. P. Kelner

  By the same token, Dorcas might want to get rid of Big Bill before he found out. Her lifestyle was as much at risk as Burt’s. If it came to divorce, she’d be able to get a lot out of Burt, but not if Big Bill took it all away first.

  Then there was this Mike character. I found it hard to believe that an attractive young man, gay or not, would find Burt all that appealing unless money was involved. Could he be trying to kill Big Bill so as to make a bigger haul? Or even to protect his lover’s interests?

  I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts elsewhere. Big Bill had made it plain that my assistance was not wanted. It was silly to keep worrying about his problems. Fortunately, the party provided plenty of other things to think about. I’d caught up with all the aunts, but there were still the uncles: Uncle Buddy, Uncle Ruben, and Uncle Roger of Roger’s Ramblers. Then there were the cousins. I’d already seen Thaddeous and Vasti, but there were still Thaddeous’s brothers, Augustus and Willis; Vasti’s husband, Arthur, who had their little girl Bitsy in tow; Aunt Ruby Lee’s kids, Ilene, Clifford, and Earl; Linwood and his wife Sue, who had mercifully left their four kids at home; and Aunt Nellie and Uncle Ruben’s triplets, Idelle, Odelle, and Carlelle. Plus there were more folks on the path to joining the family: Aunt Edna’s beau, Caleb, who’d recently given her a lovely diamond; Clifford’s girlfriend, Liz, a local nurse that everybody in the family was crazy about; and Ilene’s boyfriend, Trey Norton, who was my friend Junior’s little brother.

  There were friends to talk to, too, like Aunt Maggie’s other flea market cronies and the rest of Roger’s Ramblers. Plenty of the mill employees had come, including the ambitious Tavis Montgomery, but if Burt’s “friend” Mike was there, I didn’t meet him. Despite all the people I did know, there were plenty I didn’t, and it was tempting to guess which folks were Burnette connections and which ones were friends of the Walterses. When I had to sneak into a corner to feed Alice, Richard and I had a wonderful time speculating about who was who. Of course, the two groups weren’t mingling much, so that made it easier.

  “That old guy in the suit with his back to us?” I said. “Burnette.”

  “Who is he?” Richard asked.

  “No idea. But nobody connected with the Walterses would wear a suit off the rack, and that one looks brand-new.” Just then he turned in our direction. “Ow! Do you see that scar on his head? Definitely a Burnette—any of the Walterses’ friends would have plastic surgery or wear a rug to cover it up.”

  “The woman in the black dress?”

  “Are you kidding? That dress is silk—it must be a Walters.”

  We went on that way for a while until Richard pointed out a woman in a lovely Oriental blue pantsuit with her back to us. “Burnette,” Richard said.

  “No way. She’s got shoes that match her outfit. Walters.”

  “Want to bet?”

  “Absolutely. The loser has to change Alice’s next three diapers.”

  “You’re on.” Richard approached the woman, tapped her on the shoulder, then gave her a quick hug. Then they looked in my direction and waved. It was Aunt Maggie! Big Bill pulled her away then, and Richard sauntered back to me with a satisfied smile on his face.

  “You cheated!” I said. “You knew it was Aunt Maggie all along.”

  “Guilty as charged,” he said. “Of course, you could have asked me if I knew who it was, but since you were so sure you were right…”

  “Okay, you win. I just wonder who helped her pick that outfit. Vasti or one of the aunts?”

  “Want to bet on it?”

  “No, thanks. You probably already know that, too.”

  Richard just grinned.

  Alice finished nursing a minute or two later, and we went to catch up with Aunt Maggie, who was standing with Big Bill and Tavis Montgomery. The usual hugs were exchanged, and naturally political animals like Big Bill and Tavis couldn’t miss an opportunity to kiss a baby. Tavis was a tall, trim man, and his silver-gray hair always seemed a bit too distinguished to be true. Rumor had it that he had two different wardrobes, one of “regular guy” clothes for when he was fulfilling his duties as local union president, and one of Brooks Brothers suits for when he wanted to deal with the power people in town. Obviously, Big Bill counted as powerful, so Tavis was in a suit that night.

  “Isn’t this a lovely party?” Tavis said once the preliminaries were taken care of. “Mrs. Walters, you’ve done a remarkable job.”

  It sounded so strange for him to call Aunt Maggie “Mrs. Walters,” and I guess it was strange to Aunt Maggie, too, because it took a couple of seconds for her to answer. “Thanks, Tavis, but you know doggoned well I didn’t arrange any of this. If it’d been up to me, we’d be eating fried chicken out of a bucket.”

  Tavis laughed in that hearty way people do when they don’t really have anything to say. “Mrs. Walters, your very presence adds to the elegance of the event.”

  Big Bill beamed his approval, but Aunt Maggie inelegantly rolled her eyes.

  “That is a pretty outfit, Aunt Maggie,” I said. Aunt Daphine must have picked it out, I decided. Vasti would have tried to get her into a dress and pantyhose—Aunt Daphine had more tact.

  “Thank you,” she said, “but between these fancy clothes and all this makeup, I feel like I’m already dressed up for Halloween.”

  As far as I could tell, she was wearing lipstick and maybe mascara, but for Aunt Maggie, that was a lot of makeup.

  “Speaking of Halloween,” Aunt Maggie said to Tavis, “have you decided which room I get for the white elephant sale at the carnival? I could fill the whole library, but I can make do with two classrooms as long as they’re next to each other. I’ve already got my nephew Augustus lined up to help man the table.”

  Tavis furrowed his brow. “I didn’t realize you were planning to supervise the white elephant. You haven’t attended any of the planning meetings, and—”

  “Tavis Lee Montgomery, I have been running the white elephant since you were in diapers. There wasn’t any need for me to come to some meeting to decide what color paper cups y’all are going to use!”

  “I understand, but I assumed that you newlyweds would have other things on your mind.” He tried for an indulgent smile.

  Aunt Maggie gave him a look. “Maybe your mind stays in the gutter, but Bill and I know when it’s time to do our part for Byerly.”

  “I appreciate your civic-mindedness, but you really don’t have to worry about the white elephant. Mrs. Roberts has volunteered to—”

  “Marlyn Roberts? Lord, Tavis, that woman doesn’t know McCoy pottery from Fiesta ware. She’ll price cheap Taiwan junk like it’s gold just because it’s new, and pure give away the good stuff.”

  “I’m sure she’d welcome your help.”

  “I’ll bet she would, if she could take all the credit. No, you can give Marlyn the lemonade stand or the craft table. The white elephant is mine.”

  Tavis looked at Big Bill, presumably trying to decide which was the best way to please him. Then he looked at Aunt Maggie, and her expression made it plain that the choice wasn’t his, anyway. So he went back to the meaningless laugh, followed up with, “You’ll have the library, of course.”

  Big Bill grinned as if he’d enjoyed seeing Tavis taken down a notch, which he probably had. “Laurie Anne, are y’all going to be staying in town long enough for the carnival?”

  “I hadn’t thought about it, to tell you the truth,” I said. The Byerly Halloween Carnival had been a high point of my childhood. Always planned for a night or two before Halloween so as not to interfere with trick-or-treating, it was the next best thing to the actual holiday. The town went all out, transforming the high school into a spooky delight, with games that always gave prizes, a scary-but-not-too-scary haunted house, cakewalks, a costume contest, and of course, the white elephant sale. One of my fondest memories was seeing Big Bill himself in the dunking booth, and for once in my life, lobbing a softball with enough accuracy to drop him into the water. I knew the ca
rnival had continued after I moved north, but we’d never managed to be in town at the right time to attend. “Richard, are you interested?”

  “Do we get to dress up in costumes?” he asked.

  “Most people do.”

  “Alice, too?”

  “Of course.”

  “Then I’m in.”

  Richard had done a lot of theater, especially Shakespeare, and he loved nothing better than a chance to put on something outrageous. I could only imagine what he had in mind for Alice. I made a mental note to have a camera handy.

  Dorcas and Burt came up then, and I noted that Dorcas had her arm firmly tucked into Burt’s. After what Michelle had told me, I thought I knew why, and I could see that she really had made an effort. She’d always been a pretty woman, but tonight she was positively stunning. For her sake, I really hoped the rumors about Burt were wrong.

  “Daddy, Aunt Maggie,” Burt said, “can I get y’all anything?”

  “I’m not so old that I can’t pick up a cup of punch,” Big Bill said, his eyes narrowed, and I knew he was still worried that Burt was trying to kill him.

  “I didn’t mean—” Burt started to say, but Dorcas interrupted him to say, “I hope you’re happy with everything at the party, Big Bill. And you, too, Aunt Maggie.” She stumbled a little over the “Aunt Maggie” part, but it was a good try.

  “The party did turn out nice, Dorcas,” Big Bill said. “A lot more lively than what you usually do. I’ll have to let Vasti do all of the party planning from now on.” Obviously, Big Bill had come to the same conclusion that I had, that Dorcas was just as likely to want him dead as Burt was.

  Dorcas’s face froze, and I was impressed that she managed not to say the things she had to be thinking.

  “I’ve always enjoyed Dorcas’s parties,” Tavis said, but when he saw the beginnings of a frown from Big Bill, he quickly added, “Of course, there’s nothing like a new perspective to let in a little fresh air.” Then, with just a hint of malice, he said, “Speaking of new perspectives, where’s that young protégé of yours, Burt? I wouldn’t have thought he’d blow off an important event like this.”

  If anything, Dorcas froze even more—so much I was afraid her face would crack. She’d heard the rumors, all right.

  “Mike had a prior commitment,” Burt said. “He sent his regrets. I’m looking forward to introducing him to Daddy some time soon.”

  That was something I’d pay to see.

  Big Bill looked uninterested. “If y’all will excuse me, I think I hear the Ramblers getting started up. Maggie, are you in the mood to dance?”

  “I might be,” she allowed, and let him lead her off.

  It was about then that I caught a whiff of something unpleasant from Alice’s diaper, and knew it was time to start paying off my bet with Richard. I excused myself and went looking for someplace to change her.

  Some people don’t mind changing their babies wherever they happen to be, and I’d been known to pick a quiet spot and change her in public, too. But the last thing I wanted to do was give the Walterses or Miz Duffield any more reasons to think we Burnettes weren’t raised right. Unfortunately, the first bathroom I found had a line, and the next didn’t have anything big enough to lay Alice on. I could have gone upstairs, but nobody else was leaving the first floor; and it seemed rude to act as if I owned the place. Finally I found Miz Duffield rearranging platters on the buffet table.

  “Miz Duffield,” I said, “I need to change Alice’s diaper, and the bathrooms are taken. Is there a room I can use?”

  As usual, Miz Duffield sniffed to show her distaste, but I bet she regretted it when she got a whiff of Alice. “There’s a utility room off of the kitchen. I suppose it would be all right for you to change her in there.”

  Though I was tempted to find Miz Duffield’s bedroom and change the baby right in the middle of her bed, in the interest of family happiness I went looking for the utility room. “But if it’s not clean in there,” I told Alice, “we’re going to find someplace else to fix you up.”

  As it turned out, the utility room was quite clean. In addition to a huge washer and drier, there was a long table, probably for folding clothes, but it was a good height for changing the baby. I wouldn’t leave Alice’s stinky diaper under Miz Duffield’s pillow after all.

  After we finished up, I stepped back into the kitchen and, out of the corner of my eye, thought I glimpsed somebody else leaving the room. When I saw what had been left on the table, I reconsidered my kindly thoughts toward Miz Duffield. There was a bottle of rubbing alcohol on the counter. Had that woman expected me to leave baby poop all over the place? Well, if she thought I was going to swab down the table just because I’d changed a diaper on it, she had another think coming!

  I glanced around for Miz Duffield when Alice and I rejoined the party, meaning to give her a stern look, but didn’t spot her. Instead, the triplets spotted me and rushed over to get their turn with Alice. Since Carlelle, Idelle, and Odelle were dressed alike, I don’t know if my baby realized she was being held by three different women or not, but she didn’t seem to mind either way. They cooed over her enthusiastically and declared that Alice was the cutest baby they’d ever seen. Of course, I knew darned well that they said that to all the babies, but I was willing to accept that they’d finally gotten it right.

  They were still passing her back and forth when Vasti stationed herself in the center of the room and started tapping on a glass with a butter knife. When the room quieted, she said, “I just know y’all are dying to toast Uncle Big Bill and Aunt Maggie, and if Irene will hurry up and pass out the champagne, we’ll get started.”

  Miz Duffield looked mutinous but dutifully walked through the room with a tray of filled champagne glasses. Vasti herself handed two sterling silver goblets engraved with roses to Aunt Maggie and Big Bill.

  “You know I don’t drink, Vasti,” Aunt Maggie said.

  “You have to make a toast,” Vasti objected.

  “I don’t see why.”

  “But Aunt Maggie…”

  Aunt Maggie rolled her eyes. “Fine. Pour this mess out and get me some sweet tea.”

  “I’ll take that,” Big Bill said, pouring the offending liquid into his own cup. “It’s going to take a whole lot of champagne to properly toast the charms of this lady here.”

  Aunt Maggie rolled her eyes again, but from her tiny smile, I thought she rather liked the compliment. If not, she’d put up with it as long as she could drink iced tea instead of champagne.

  Once everybody had a glass, Vasti said, “Burt, I know you’re going to want to be the very first to toast your father and stepmother.”

  If Burt had wanted to go first, you couldn’t tell by his blank expression, which looked as if it had been glued on to hide what he was really thinking. Big Bill glared at him for a moment, and Burt finally got out, “Best wishes to the happy couple,” and choked down a swallow of champagne while the rest of us in the room touched glasses.

  I noticed that Big Bill frowned just a touch at the taste of his champagne, which probably pleased Miz Duffield. Of course, she wasn’t happy enough to keep from sniffing as she picked up Aunt Maggie’s champagne goblet and took it away. Presumably, she thought that if Big Bill drank champagne, everybody should drink champagne.

  “Now Uncle Buddy,” Vasti said. She’d probably picked him for the next toast because he was the oldest male on the Burnette side, but obviously she hadn’t bothered to warn him, because he went white as a sheet. Uncle Buddy rarely speaks in private, let alone in public.

  Still, he’s not a man to shirk his duty. He held his glass high and said clearly, “Getting married was the smartest thing I ever did. Here’s hoping it’s as good for y’all as it’s been for me and Nora.”

  Aunt Nora blushed, and darned if Uncle Buddy didn’t kiss her in front of all of us.

  After that, Vasti let people toast on their own, though she did glare at various folks when the pace started to slow down. Richard quoted an
appropriate bit of Shakespeare, Aunt Daphine recited a little poem, and Linwood told an inappropriate joke. As a nursing mother, I didn’t drink any champagne myself, but if I had, my glass would have been drained long before Big Bill spoke up.

  “I don’t know that I’ve ever heard a finer tibute—er, tribute. It does a man’s heart good for all you fine, fine, fine people to speak on our behalfs—behalf. Even those of y’all who aren’t that fine. ’Cause y’all know who y’all are.” He laughed as if he’d said something witty, and I winced, wondering if he was about to accuse somebody of trying to kill him. Instead, he drank more from his goblet and said, “It hasn’t been easy catching Maggie Burnette, but I’ve never been one to stop when I want something. Somebody. So I didn’t. Stop, that is.” He laughed again.

  “The old fool’s drunk,” a woman behind me whispered.

  “Don’t be silly,” a man’s voice said. “He’s only had one glass of champagne.”

  “He must have started drinking early,” the woman answered, “and I don’t blame him. If I’d just tied myself to that old battle-ax, I’d get drunk, too.”

  The triplets stiffened, and I was about to turn and tell the snobs off when a couple of things came together in my mind. Carlelle was still holding Alice, and I snapped, “Watch the baby,” and pushed my way through to Aunt Maggie and Big Bill as quickly as I could.

  By the time I got to them, Big Bill was mumbling something about Aunt Maggie’s eyes, slurring his words so badly I couldn’t understand him, and Aunt Maggie was tugging at his sleeve, looking disgusted.

  Big Bill lifted his goblet as if to drink again, then blinked at me in astonishment when I slapped it out of his hand and knocked it onto the carpet. “It’s poisoned!” I said. “You’ve been poisoned!”

  Chapter 5

  Big Bill’s mouth opened, but he didn’t speak. He just slumped into a chair and put his hand to his throat.

  Aunt Maggie shouted, “Somebody call for an ambulance!” To me she said, “What do we do? Should we make him throw up?” She looked ready to stick a finger down his throat herself.