Harmonic Feedback

by Tara Kelly

I wondered if she’d ever tried multiple combinations of drugs.

  “I’m starving,” Mom announced as the three of us got back into her green Toyota.

  “It’s only three thirty, Juliana.” Grandma was still grouchy because they had nothing but People magazine in the waiting room.

  Mom rolled down the window and backed the car out. “So? We need to drop off Drea’s prescriptions, and there’s a pharmacy right near a café someone recommended to me last night. Figured we’d go try it out.”

  “One of your square-faced dates?” The computer had replaced Mom’s late-night trips to bars.

  “Don’t start, Drea. He seems really sweet.”

  “Of course he does. They all start off that way.”

  “Who?” Grandma asked.

  “Mom’s computer boyfriends.”

  “Drea.” Mom squinted at me in the mirror.

  “Computer boyfriends? Don’t you ever watch the news? A young woman was just found murdered near the border. And do you know who the prime suspect is?” Grandma poked Mom’s arm. The five- and six-o’clock news were her religion.

  “I can’t imagine.” Mom shook her head.

  “A man she met on her computer. And do you know what else they’re saying? People can get your social security number, your bank account information, and”—Grandma yanked on Mom’s elbow—“your address. They break into your computer and find all this.”

  “Yeah, but it usually only happens to dumb people who respond to e-mail scams or download viruses,” I said.

  “Viruses?” Grandma opened her mouth and closed it again.

  “Anyway, he says they have a lot of vegetarian options, Drea,” Mom said as we pulled into a parking spot downtown.

  Grandma gasped. “Juliana! We’re on Railroad Avenue.”

  “So what?”

  “Are you crazy? We’ll get mugged or killed. This is the worst part of town.”

  Downtown Bellingham consisted of a few brick buildings and rotting Victorian contraptions. Most of the inhabitants were college students with rainbow-colored hair and grungy people with acoustic guitars and tin cans.

  “This is nothing, Grandma. You should hang out in downtown Oakland sometime.”

  “It’s fine.” Mom pointed across the street. “Look, there’s a couple pushing a stroller, and some kids playing in the fountain over there.”

  “That’s where they keep the drugs.” Grandma lowered her voice and leaned toward Mom with wide eyes. “In the baby buggies.”

  “Okay, how about laying off the news for a while, huh?” Mom snorted out a laugh and got out of the car.

  Grandma’s sharp eyes didn’t miss an inch of Café Mars when we arrived after dropping off my new prescriptions. By the time the hostess offered to seat us, Grandma concluded that the place was run by misfits. After all, it lacked sticky booths and fake sugar at every table.

  The hostess showed us to a narrow table with stiff metal chairs. Grandma scrunched up her face and held on to the back of the chair, inching her compact body into the seat.

  A familiar laugh made me glance up from my menu, and I found myself looking straight into Justin’s eyes. Oh, God, no—of all places. He and Kari sat at a table in front of us, sipping milkshakes.

  Kari looked over her shoulder and flashed me a quick smile. “Hi, Drea.”

  I sucked in my breath, focusing on the colorful menu in front of me.

  “Who’s that?” Mom whispered.

  “Just someone from school,” I mumbled.

  “Well, say hi back at least.”

  “No,” I said through my teeth.

  “Blue walls are for baby nurseries, not restaurants,” Grandma announced, scanning the room. “What kind of place is this, Juliana?”

  Kari peeked over at Grandma and spun forward again, her back shaking with laughter. Justin stared at me, a half smile playing at his lips. I focused on my menu.

  “Let’s not worry about the décor for a change, okay, Mom?”

  “And why do they have someone’s trash all over their walls? That’s the last thing I want to see when I’m eating.”

  Café Mars had records, photographs, magazine cutouts, antique toys, and even tires plastered to the walls. I’d been in a million places just like it in California—ever since Mom decided to go veggie.

  “This can’t possibly be the menu. It looks like a child designed it, for Christ sake.” Grandma flipped it from side to side. “It’s not even written in English.”

  Mom closed her eyes, sighing. “Yes, it is.”

  “A chix salad? Chix?” She banged her knobby finger into the menu.

  “It’s short for chicken.” Mom smirked. Truthfully, chix meant veggie chicken strips—as in soy. She’d failed to mention that Café Mars had an all-vegetarian menu.

  “She’s going to know the difference,” I told Mom.

  “The difference of what?” Grandma asked.

  “It’s extra-lean meat here,” Mom said, giving me a warning look.

  “Oh.” Grandma continued to scan the menu. “What is fakin’ bacon? That a fancy way of saying Bac-Os?”

  “Mmhmm.” Mom nodded.

  “Those are very high in sodium. Ten dollars for a salad?” Grandma chuckled. “What—they think we won’t notice because they purposely misspell everything?”

  “Keep your voice down, Mom.”

  A server with hot-pink hair and lip rings approached us with a big smile. “Hey, ladies. You ready to order?”

  Grandma eyed her up and down, her mouth agape. “This isn’t our waitress, is it?”

  The girl’s smile instantly faded as she narrowed her eyes at Grandma. “Would you like me to find someone else to wait on you?”

  “Yes, please,” Grandma muttered, focusing back on the menu.

  Mom held her hand up and mouthed “Alzheimer’s.” The girl plastered another big smile on her face and nodded like she understood. “Okay, well, I’ll give you ladies another minute.” She walked over to Justin’s table to let them know their meals would be out shortly.

  “She doesn’t have Alzheimer’s,” I said.

  Mom kicked my shin hard enough to send an ache up my leg.

  “Ow!”

  Grandma was too immersed in the menu to pay much attention. “Tofurky? Goodness.”

  The server returned a few minutes later. “Know what you want yet?”

  Grandma squinted up at her. “You again.”

  The girl offered a toothy grin. “Yup. What can I get ya?”

  “Just order.” Mom rolled her eyes.

  “Does this chix come from the breast?”

  The server cocked her head, opening her mouth slightly.

  “The breast,” Grandma said louder. “Is it chicken breast meat?”

  Kari let a high-pitched laugh escape before burying her head in her arms. Justin shushed her and covered his eyes with his hand. Other people were looking at Grandma now. Some with wide eyes and others on the brink of laughter.

  Mom nudged Grandma. “Yes.” She mouthed “sorry” to the pink-haired girl.

  “I’ll have the Chix Cobb salad. Nonfat Italian dressing on the side,” Grandma said.

  Mom covered her mouth and looked away.

  Kari was still picking at her food when they brought out our meals twenty minutes later. Justin slouched in his chair and folded his arms across his chest, while she talked to him with animated hand gestures. He caught me staring at him and smiled. I nibbled on a seasoned fry, letting the spicy mush sink into my throat. It didn’t have the right amount of crispness.

  Grandma picked up her fork, prodding at various toppings on her salad. The prongs hovered over the egg halves for a second before she stabbed one and let it dangle off the fork. “These are pellet eggs,” she decided.

  “What?” Mom nearly choked on her bite of veggie burger.

  “Pellet eggs.” Grandma let the egg slice plop back onto the green leaves. “They’re like rubber. And this chicken is awful.”

  Justin rose from the
table, tossing a wad of cash over their check. Kari got up hesitantly, finding Grandma more interesting.

  “See you later, Drea,” Justin said.

  I sank lower in my chair, contemplating the many ways I could avoid going to school tomorrow.

  AFTER A SERIES OF DREAMS revolving around being dressed as Barney in the boys’ locker room, I woke up in need of a plan. Or at least one less thing to be embarrassed about at school.

  I tiptoed into Mom’s room after she went into the bathroom and opened the top drawer of her wooden dresser. Piles of underwear were tangled around silky bra straps. Organization wasn’t one of Mom’s strengths either. A black pair of underwear fell out, but I caught them before they hit the floor. They were thin and sheer with a black ribbon encircling the waist. Apparently, they would tie into little bows on the sides of my hips. Cute, I guessed. I couldn’t even consider the bras since they’d fall right off.

  The bathroom door across the hallway creaked open, and I stuffed the underwear down my nightshirt. Mom walked in, pulling her shoulder-length hair into a ponytail and singing U2’s “Vertigo.”

  “Hi, Mom,” I said, heading toward the door.

  She glanced from me to the drawer I forgot to close. “What were you looking for, sweetie?”

  “Nothing,” I said, eyeing the hardwood floor.

  “Drea—out with it.”

  “I’m out of clean underwear.”

  Mom shrugged. “Then we’ll have to do some laundry.”

  “Oh, I forgot to ask you yesterday. Is it okay if Naomi and her friend Roger give me rides to school and back?”

  She crinkled her brow. “Are they good drivers?”

  I tensed. “I don’t know.”

  Her lips stretched into a grin. “It’s fine. I’m glad you’re making some friends.” She sat on the bed, crossing her legs. “I’ve got a job interview today.”

  “For what?”

  She wrinkled her tiny nose. “Just a receptionist gig at a law firm. But it’s better than nothing.”

  “Yeah.” I studied her frown. “Maybe I should get a job too.”

  Mom sighed. She had shadows under her eyes. I wondered if she’d slept at all last night. “No, honey. I want you to really focus on school—so you can get into that music college you’re always talking about.”

  “But it’s in Boston, and it costs a lot of money.”

  She held her arms out to me. “Come here, baby.”

  I allowed her to pull me in and stroke my hair. There was something comforting about her touch—most people’s hands hurt my skin. But I felt safe in Mom’s embrace. It made me think of the hours we spent writing funny stories. The Noun and Verb Game, we called it—our own twisted version of Mad Libs.

  “Who was that cute boy at the café?” Mom asked.

  “A jerk. I have to work on a film project with him.”

  “Grandma really embarrassed you yesterday, huh?”

  “They kept laughing at us.”

  Mom nodded. “She’s never been really aware of what’s going on around her. I think she’s kind of like you in that she only knows how to say what’s on her mind.”

  “Quit saying I’m like her. We are nothing alike.”

  A smile played at Mom’s glossy lips. “You know what I like about both of you?”

  “What?”

  “You’re strong—not afraid to be yourselves. There aren’t many people I can say that about.”

  I looked away, not wanting to tell her how much I didn’t want to be myself. How much I wished I had all these exciting stories to tell about guys I kissed or traveled down the coast with. How I was tired of being someone to laugh at.

  “So, why is that boy a jerk? He seemed sweet. Was that his girlfriend with him?”

  I shrugged. “That’s Kari. She hates Naomi.”

  “Oh, I’ll bet.” She let out a hearty laugh. “Naomi’s gorgeous—even with bright purple hair.”

  “His name is Justin—the boy. He’s new too.” I told her about how he’d approached me in the administration office and the things he said, including calling me stereotypical. When I finished, Mom could barely contain the grin on her face. “Why’s this funny?”

  She bit her lip. “It’s not. I know. But here’s the thing—you’re a very pretty girl. Sometimes boys will talk to you because they really are interested. They aren’t trying to be mean.”

  “I guess Kari interested him more.”

  “Maybe. Men are fickle creatures.” Mom rolled her eyes. “Or maybe he wanted to make you jealous. In his mind, you rejected him.”

  “All I did was ask him why he wasn’t hanging out with Kari. She’s more like him.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t like being compared to Grandma, right? Maybe he doesn’t feel he’s like Kari.”

  “That makes sense, I guess. Doesn’t mean I have to like him.”

  Mom chuckled again. “Okay, well how about this? Apologize for getting off on the wrong foot and leave it at that. Then it won’t be so awkward to work together.”

  “I don’t have anything to apologize for.”

  “Be the bigger person. It’ll make him feel like an ass.” She winked.

  “I’ll try,” I said, not entirely convinced I could even look at him, much less speak to him.

  I didn’t bother meeting Naomi after first period. Getting to English before Justin was imperative. With my luck, I’d end up tripping in front of him and Kari on my way to the desk.

  Mr. Duncan told us that we were stuck in the seats we’d picked yesterday. Meaning I’d have to look at the back of Justin’s head the entire semester.

  I slid into my rock-hard seat by the window and waited. My stomach fluttered every time the door opened, but he still hadn’t arrived a minute before the bell rang.

  Then Kari walked in, and my fingertips went numb. She glanced up at me and smirked before sitting down and tossing a wave of hair over one shoulder. My cheeks went hot at the thought of Grandma’s words in the restaurant. And Kari’s high-pitched laughter. I couldn’t get it out of my head.

  The door swung open one more time, but I didn’t recognize the guy who strutted in. And I definitely would’ve noticed him yesterday. His dark hair was tasseled and spiked, and he wore a black thermal with Robert Smith’s face airbrushed on the front. My heart picked up as he headed for my row. Multiple zippers and rivets lined his black pants, and he carried a green lunch box with some cartoon character grinning on the front.

  He met my gaze, his lips curving up in a smile. I’d recognize those gray eyes anywhere—even smudged with black eyeliner.

  Justin lifted his arms and motioned to his clothes. “What do you think—too much?”

  And here I’d been preparing myself to apologize. Forgive and forget, as Mom says. “Fuck you,” I said, with a familiar ache in my throat.

  Kari turned around, her mouth hanging open. “Smooth move, Justin.”

  He rolled his eyes at her and sat down, putting his hand on my arm. His fingers felt like an electrical current on my skin. Every nerve ached.

  “Don’t touch me,” I said.

  “Hey, I thought you’d laugh,” he said. “Come on—I even begged my niece to let me use her lunch box.”

  “You’re making fun of me. I get it, okay?” Out of the corner of my eye I could see Mr. Duncan walk in, but I didn’t care. Part of me had hoped Justin was different—that he wouldn’t make me the butt of another joke. But nothing had changed. Different school, same jerks.

  “No—I’m—”

  “Leave me alone!”

  “What’s going on back there?” Mr. Duncan asked.

  Justin faced forward, and I looked up at the teacher. Every head was turned in my direction.

  “Nothing,” I said, my face on fire.

  The teacher looked from me to Justin for a few moments before continuing. “I got the class syllabus printed off as promised.” He fished a stack of papers out of his bag and began divvying them up among the rows. “As most of you know, I like to
start the semester off with a bang, and I thought we’d tackle Go Ask Alice this year.”

  A couple of groans reverberated around the room. “Just say no!” a boy jeered.

  “Sounds like you’ve read it,” Mr. Duncan said. “And here I thought you guys were too busy watching America’s Next Top Model or Lost.”

  “I read it in, like, seventh grade,” a girl with long braids said. “It’s a good book.”

  “Well, now you get to dissect it.”

  Justin dangled a stapled bunch of papers over his shoulder. I ripped them out of his hand, hoping to give him paper cuts.

  “And you’ll notice I’m still all about the journals.”

  More groans filtered throughout the room.

  “Yeah, yeah. They’re good for you. An entry is due every Friday. Tell me your thoughts on life. What you had for dinner, your favorite color or band. Whatever’s on your mind. I won’t be grading these—but I’ll flunk you if you don’t turn them in every week.”

  The thought of trying to organize my thoughts made my head hurt. I never got the point of journals. Why document things I already know? That’s boring. Plus, most experiences weren’t worth rehashing.

  Most of the class whispered to each other as Mr. Duncan passed out the books. Justin held one over his shoulder for me, but he moved it every time I tried to grab it.

  “Give me the book, jerk.”

  “And it looks like we’re a couple short,” Mr. Duncan announced. “I’ll be right back.”

  Justin waited for him to leave before turning to face me. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m not making fun of you.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  His eyes widened. “Do you have any idea how many boxes I had to go through to find these pants?”

  “No, and I don’t care. Can you give me the book now?”

  He raised the book, but still kept it out of reach. “Come on, I’m wearing eyeliner here. I didn’t even go this far when I was a Goth.”

  “Did you borrow that from your niece too?”

  He smirked. “No, my older sister.”

  The image of Justin struggling to put on eyeliner was rather funny.

  “Was that a hint of a smile I saw?”

  “You look ridiculous,” I said. Even though I kind of liked the way he looked. It was an improvement over the boring Nike shirt.