(in)visible

by Talie D. Hawkins

  Now it was my turn to spend the week shooting daggers with my eyes at Logan. He’d scrunch the skin between his eyes, and shake his head at me. Even when I didn’t realize it, I was staring holes into the back of his head. I didn’t participate at school, and now thanks to him, I would be serving my classmates drinks at a dance I would have never gone to.

  I was told to dress appropriately, and searched my closet for something besides jeans and tee shirts, but I was having very little luck. I finally came to the conclusion that I’d have to shop. It was Saturday, my day off, so I really didn’t have an excuse not to. I was almost attacked by a sales associate the minute I walked into the department store. I figured I may as well take advantage of her help, since I had no clue of where to begin when it came to buying a dress.

  She picked a few things off of the rack for me to try out, and I cringed at the thought of wearing any of them. Once I was in the fitting room, I stood and stared at the dresses for a few long seconds. The last one she picked out didn’t seem terrible, so I freed it from the hanger and slipped it on. I almost jumped at the shock from seeing myself a dress. Even more surprising was the fact that it actually looked good. The light pink bodice looked good against my pale complexion and the black, ballerina style skirt felt fun, and not so stuffy. I just worried I would chicken out with so much skin showing, but none of the other dresses seemed to cover any more or less.

  “How’s it going in there? Can I get you another size?” I took a deep breath and stepped out of the fitting room.

  “Be honest, is it awful on me?”

  “No. Quite contrary. It fits like a glove. I think I can put the others away. Shall I ring you up?” I squeezed my eyes shut and took a moment.

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  5

  When the day of the formal finally came around I was glad. I wanted to get it over with and go back to being a hermit. I thought most of the drama between Blaine and me had passed, but the end of the day proved that to be wrong. As I tried to tuck my books into my locker, she managed to accidentally knock them out of my hands, causing every paper in my possession to spill out all over the tile floors. “What the hell?” I asked, as I bent down to pick up my stuff.

  “Oh, I didn’t see you there. I’m ever so sorry,” she said in the most condescending tone possible. I chose to ignore her, hoping she’d walk away, but she just stood there with her hands on her hips, laughing at me as I gathered my things. Moments later another set of hands started picking things up. I looked up to see Logan helping me. Blaine had no response, except to storm off.

  “What was that all about,” he asked.

  “You tell me.”

  “I don’t know,” he said as he handed me a pile of notebook paper.

  “I can get this. I’m fine.” I sounded more annoyed than I had meant. He sighed, clearly frustrated, but put his hands up as if to surrender.

  “Ok, it’s all you.” He stood and walked away without another word.

  I got myself ready, using a little of the make up that collected dust in my bathroom. I kept it very natural and simple. I pulled my curls into a loose side braid that the internet tutorial called “romantic”. It was the best I could do. I grabbed a coat and slipped into some black flats and I was on my way out. Normally I would be working on a Friday night, but Betsy and Mark seemed a little too excited to give me the night off for a dance. I left out the part about it being community service.

  I got there early as instructed and took my spot behind the refreshment table. Another girl from the student government showed me what to do then went to another table on the other side of the gym. I hesitated before taking my coat off. I had never shown this much skin in public, and the thought of it was making me nervous. I finally peeled my coat off like a band-aide and stuck it on the chair behind me. I started pouring a few glasses of punch for people to grab, but was interrupted soon after.

  “Meg? From my English class?” I looked up to see a boy named Jake Evans standing on the other side of the table.

  “Hey, Jake.”

  “I almost didn’t recognize you. I don’t think I remember seeing you at any school functions before.”

  “You haven’t. I sort of didn’t have a choice,” I said with an embarrassed grin.

  “I bet that’s an interesting story.” He smiled warmly at me, and there was something about his green eyes that made it almost impossible to look away. That feeling was short lived when Blaine, Logan, and a few other kids from their group walked into the gym. Blaine automatically locked eyes with me, clearly shocked to see me. I guess she didn’t know about my “punishment.” Jake turned to see what caught my eye. “Oh boy, the attention whores are here,” he said with a roll of his eyes. I had to smile, but looked down so he wouldn’t catch me.

  “So,” he said as he dug his hands into his pockets. “Do you get a break tonight?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “That’s a shame. I was hoping I could dance with you later.” I could feel color rising to my cheeks and hoped it was too dark for him to see me blush. “I’ll just keep coming back to keep you company,” he said and I couldn’t help but giggle a little. At that same moment, Logan looked in my direction. I saw him do a double take when he caught sight of my dress, but then he saw who else was there and looked back and forth between Jake and me. A few seconds later he was standing in front of me.

  “Meg, you look amazing.” Now I knew there would be no hiding the fact that I was blushing. Jake looked to his side where Logan stood and I could see his jaw tense up.

  “I’ll catch you later,” Jake said, as he walked off and disappeared into the crowd.

  “Did I interrupt something?” Logan asked, sounding a little too satisfied. He grabbed a cup of punch, and just like a cliché out of a teen movie, he pulled out a small flask and spiked his drink with something before any chaperones could notice. “You’ll thank me later. That guy is a dick,” he said, just before he emptied his cup in one gulp.

  “I don’t care what he’s like. I just want to get this night over with,” I said, but got the feeling he didn’t hear a word I said from the way he looked at me. “What? What are you staring at,” I finally asked.

  “Sorry,” he said as he snapped out of it. “You. I’m staring at you. You grew up exactly like I expected.” I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but something about the way he said it gave me chills.

  “I think someone is looking for you,” I finally managed to say. Blaine was glaring at us both, then I noticed Jake in a corner talking to some friends, but he was looking at me.

  Logan took a couple of cups of punch and smiled an apology at me, walking away without another word. Jake made his way back over as soon as he left. Now it was Logan watching from the other end of the room. I shook my head, positive the world had gone friggin’ nuts.

  “Are you ok? He wasn’t giving you a hard time, was he?” Jake seemed sincerely concerned.

  “No, I’m fine. Don’t you have someone you need to be with?”

  “Wow, that’s awesome,” he said sarcastically. “I can take a hint.”

  “I’m sorry. That was rude of me. I just don’t want you to waste your night at the refreshment table. Not when all these girls are gawking at you and wanting to dance.” He looked around the room.

  “I don’t see any gawkers,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Of course not. If you look in their direction they’ll look away. Ok, red hair- three O’clock.” I pushed him in the right direction and he looked.

  “Mmm...nah. Would it be against the rules to come behind the table and dance with you?” His green eyes were back on me and I had a hard time looking away. I felt my heartbeat pick up and it made it hard to speak.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t make up the rules,” I managed to say, just above a whisper. I had to take a moment and ask myself if this is what all the girls went on and on about. There was a butterfly feeling in my belly, and I was suddenly very aware of how close
Jake was, noticing a lock of his jet black hair had fallen into his eyes.

  “Miss Winter’s, I believe it is break time,” I heard my Principal’s voice say from behind me.

  “Ah, no excuses now. Are you ready to dance?” He held out his arm for me to take.

  “Are you ready for broken toes after I step all over them?”

  He shook his head and laughed. “I’ll risk it.”

  As soon as he started guiding me, heads started to turn. Something weird was happening. People were noticing me. They saw me every day, but I was like the walls and furniture. I didn’t get a second look. Now they were really seeing me and I didn’t know how I felt about that. “I don’t know if I like all the looks you’re getting,” he said.

  “Are you sure they’re not looking at you? Making sure you’re not insane?” We stopped dancing for a second and he looked me in the eyes. All joking was gone.

  “You really don’t know how incredible you look, do you?” His words were melting me and it was too much to handle. I pulled away.

  “I need to go. I’m sorry. You’re really nice, but I can’t...I just...I’m sorry,” I stammered as I made my way to the hallway. He didn’t try to follow and I was glad. I needed to catch my breath. I thought I had the hall to myself until I saw Logan sitting on the ground, leaning against the lockers.

  “We were supposed to grow up and get married. Do you remember that, Eggy?” My heart squeezed when he used his nickname for me. I hadn’t heard it since we were kids. “I was going to marry you so I could be Noah’s brother.” He laughed a bitter laugh. This night just kept getting weirder and weirder.

  “You’re drunk,” I said bluntly, not really caring about how I sounded.

  “Probably, but the strange thing is that I’m seeing a few things more clearly than I have in so long.” His words left me speechless for a moment. At this point I knew there was no good place to hide, so I headed back into the gym and back behind the refreshment table. Jake caught my eye and gave me a nod once he saw me, but he didn't make an attempt to talk to me again. I didn't see Logan again either. I was thankful that the night wrapped up quietly. I grabbed my coat and took off before anything or anyone could stop me.

  When I pulled into the driveway I could hear an all too familiar sound- my parents in a screaming match. I was in no mood to be caught in the middle, so I headed to the only other place I could think of- the coffee shop. Mark and Betsy both shot me a disappointed look as soon as they saw me walk in. “Meg, this is your night off. We shouldn’t be seeing your face.”

  “Are you tired of my face?” I jokingly asked. I knew they worried about me and my lack of a social life.

  “We’re tired of your face not being engaged in stupid teenage behavior.”

  “Can I just say in my defense that I have had one of the weirdest nights on record?”

  “It’s dead in here. Entertain us with details,” Mark said as he cleaned out the bakery case.

  “I think I was hit on.” Even as I said it, I had to mentally go over the details to convince myself that it really had happened. Mark and Betsy both stopped what they were doing and stared at me in shocked silence.

  “Details!” Mark reminded me. I went over the events of the night and got a little worried at the huge grin Betsy wore during my story.

  “Someone likes our girl. See what happens once you stop hiding behind tent clothes?” Betsy had been telling me to start dressing like a girl for months, and I ignored her each time.

  “Whatever,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “It’s the Logan part that bothers me most.” I sighed and settled back on the sofa we were all sitting on. There was no one in the shop and they had considered closing up early, but that all changed when a few cars pulled into the lot.

  Blaine walked in with an entourage surrounding her. I scanned the crowd for Logan, but he was no where to be seen. “This is no good. I’m going to get out of here,” I said as I tried to sneak out of sight, but it was too late. She was walking my way.

  “Don’t you belong behind the counter?” She asked with a hand on her hip.

  “It’s my night off.” I tried to sound neutral, but it was difficult.

  “Good. The drink you made me last time sucked.” She smirked and looked at her friends. They all shared a laugh at my expense. I could see Mark and Betsy sitting on the edge of the couch, ready to pounce if necessary. “Did you bring Logan back with you? Seems he’s lowered his standards quite a bit,” she said with a sarcastic laugh. I was done here.

  “Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but you really should leave.” I stood my ground and looked her in the eyes. I could have sworn I caught one of the girls behind her smiling at my bravado. I had nothing to prove here, and I wasn’t one of her sheep- begging for acceptance.

  “You’re my problem,” she snapped, taking a step closer. I didn’t back down. “You come along and think you can move in on someone else’s boyfriend?” I could not hold back the eye roll I gave her.

  “Logan? This is about him? Just for the record, you might want to make it clear to him that he’s your boyfriend. He’s all yours, and if you knew him, or anything about him, you would know that I don’t really want anything to do with him.” Everyone’s eyes shifted to the door when I said it and I looked to see what they were all staring at. During my rant, Logan had entered the shop. The expression on his face made me cringe. What I said had hurt him. He composed himself quickly and made his way over to us. He grabbed Blaine by the hand and pulled her out of the shop without a single word. Her entourage looked at one another and whispered back and forth. I decided this was a good time to give Mark and Betsy a hug and make my exit, hardly being noticed at all.

  6

  The scream fest was over once I got home. I peeled my party dress off and slipped into my pajamas. I was exhausted but it was almost impossible to sleep. My brain replayed the last few days over and over. I had gone from invisible to involved in drama with the most popular girl in school. It made me wonder if Logan had ever told anyone about our history, or if he just pretended that we had never meant anything to each other.

  Sleep took over at some wee hour in the morning, and even though I probably should have slept in, I was up with the sun. I tried to get out of the house before my parents had their daily war. I pulled my hair into a bun and got myself dressed. I didn’t have anything planned, but I got in my car anyway. I had no destination in mind, but I ended up exactly where I usually ended up- right in front of Logan’s house. With everything that had happened I knew this was a bad idea, but I needed to be close to where my best memories were. I reminded myself that Logan would probably be hung over and asleep for many more hours. I sat back in my seat and pictured us all playing on the lawn. Noah would try to do stunts on his bike and Logan and I would watch in complete awe. I had forced myself to get every detail of these memories right. I could picture how the sky looked and what the day smelled like. I was so lost in my memories that I almost didn’t notice the soft tapping on the passenger window. I turned to see a shivering Logan. He gave me a small wave when I looked at him. I unlocked the doors and he slipped into the seat next to me.

  I laughed out loud when I saw what he was wearing. He was in his boxers and slippers, and there was no shirt under his letterman jacket. He leaned close to the heater and cupped his hands close to his face, breathing on them to warm up. “Are you trying to get frostbite?” I asked sarcastically?

  “I didn’t want to miss you. I grabbed my coat and ran out.”

  “Why aren’t you sleeping it off?”

  “I haven’t been sleeping very well. Look, I’m sorry about Blaine. I’ll talk to her. I’ll get her off your back.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure next week it’ll blow over. She’ll see we don’t really talk and it’ll be like before.”

  “No. I don’t want her to see that.” Now he was facing me, still shivering. “I don’t want it to be like that anymore.”

  “Logan, you can’t just go
back. We can’t pick up where we left off.” He was quiet for a long time as we both stared at my old yard.

  “It was my fault. I told him to ride down Devil’s Hill,” he whispered. I was stunned by his words. This time I turned to him.

  “Logan, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were stupid kids. No one knew that car would come out of nowhere.”

  “But I see it all the time. I think about it all the time.” He fought back tears as he said it. He was gritting his teeth when he spoke next. “I made him do it. I can’t forgive myself for that.”

  “You were just a kid.” I put my hand on his. As much as I missed my brother, I never blamed anyone. I never knew he felt like this.

  “I was a little asshole. When Noah died I had to pretend that part of my life never existed. I froze you out and I’m sorry I did that.”

  “We both disappeared into something that had nothing to do with him. That’s what we had to do to survive. We were too young to understand how this would affect us down the road.”

  “Is it too late?” he asked. There was something desperate in his eyes when he said it.

  “Too late for what?”

  “For us? I should have been there for you. I should have looked out for you. That’s what he would have wanted.”

  “Logan, you don’t owe me anything. This was a lifetime ago. Everything has changed. We’ve changed. I just want to survive the rest of high school so I can get the hell out of this place and put it all past me.” We both turned in our seat and looked out of the front windshield in silence. I thought about how he didn’t feel like a stranger to me. Even after all this time, our silence was comfortable.

  “I didn’t eat for a week after Noah died. I didn’t come out of my room, and I didn’t talk to anyone. I took all of our pictures, all the mementos from camps and birthdays, and I buried them in the back yard. I didn’t talk to you because you reminded me that he existed. I wanted to forget, but I never did. I was so ashamed of how I treated you that I didn’t have the guts to ask how you were. All these years and I know it’s too late.” He was facing me again, but I couldn’t look at him. Tears of frustration and confusion spilled from my eyes. Why was all of this happening now? I had gone for so long without any trouble and it was crashing in my face. I swallowed a deep breath before I spoke, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.