(in)visible

by Talie D. Hawkins

  The scene in the E.R. was chaos. I found the nurses station and asked where I could find my mom and dad. She told me my mom was fine. She only had a few cuts, but I could find her in my dad’s room. When I got to the doorway I found my mom holding my dad’s hand. She was crying. It was the first time I had seen her do anything besides yell at him. I felt like I was intruding and part of me wanted to run as far as I could. I turned to leave but didn’t get very far before I heard my name.

  “Megan.” It was my dad. I slowly turned around. He and my mom were staring at me like they expected me to say something. I felt trapped. I felt like the walls of the hospital were closing in around me.

  “I’m, I’m sorry. I have to go,” I stammered. I had no idea of why, but the need to run out of there took over and I didn’t look back. I didn’t check my rearview as I sped away. Once I got home, I ran through the front door- ignoring the blood and mess that greeted me. I got to my room and locked the door behind me. I didn’t bother to take off my clothes or shoes before I crawled into bed and curled myself up into a ball under the covers. Sleep hit me like a freight train, and I had no choice but to let it take over.

  I was disoriented when I woke up, under the covers with my shoes and pea coat still on. I rubbed my face with the palm of my hand as the events of the day before flooded back into my mind. I let out an exhausted sigh as I sat up and got my bearings. A hot shower and a clean tee shirt and pair of boxers helped my mood a little. I knew what was waiting for me in the living room, and I needed to clean it up. I pulled my hair up into a bun and grabbed the cleaning spray. I hoped it would work. I had never had to clean up blood before.

  I heard my phone chirp as I wiped up the stains on the hardwood floors. I had apparently slept through tons of voicemails and text messages. There were a few frantic messages from my mom wanting to know if I was ok. Of course I wasn’t ok. I called and lied to her anyway- telling her I was fine. Mark and Betsy had also called to check on me. I promised to fill them in as soon as I could. Most of the texts were from Jake but the last one was from Logan saying he was headed over. I looked at the mess around me and felt exhausted at the thought of explaining it. As if on cue, the doorbell rang.

  The frigid air hit me when I opened the door. “Hey,” I said as I wrapped my arms around myself.

  “Hi. I was hoping we could hang out.” His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his coat and I could see his breath as he spoke. I looked behind him at the gray sky that was promising fresh snow. My bare feet were freezing from standing in the doorway.

  “Come in,” I said, slamming the door to keep anymore cold from creeping in. I walked to the thermostat and turned up the heat. When I turned back around I saw Logan looking around at the mess with a shocked expression.

  “What happened here?” He glanced at me and looked me up and down- no doubt checking for injuries. “Are you ok?”

  “I’m fine. I don’t really know what happened exactly.” I took a step and let out a little cry at a sharp pain in my foot.

  “Careful!” There were bits of milky white glass all over the floor. Logan helped me hop to a kitchen chair and grabbed paper towels to help me clean my cut. He was able to get the little piece of glass out as I flinched, sucking air. I held the towels against the cut as he stared at me- probably waiting for some explanation. To my surprise he didn’t ask again. Instead, he slipped out of his jacked and rolled up his sleeves. He started looking around the kitchen and grabbed my broom when he spotted it.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m not going to let you get cut again,” he said as he started sweeping the glass bits.

  “You don’t need to do that. I can get it.” He only looked at me as he dumped the dustpan into the trash. He sat back down as soon as he was done.

  “You don’t need to tell me everything. I just want to know if you’re safe.”

  I thought about what to say for a minute. “I don’t know if I am. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know why life had to get so hard.” Without warning the tears started falling and I silently yelled at myself for letting my guard down in front of this kid I didn’t really know anymore. He didn’t say a word. Instead he pulled me to him and I shocked myself for letting him. I cried against his shoulder and he ran his fingers through my hair- promising me that whatever it was it would be ok. Every part of me wanted to believe him.

  “I can’t do this with you, Logan.”

  He pulled back a little to look at me. “Do what?”

  “I can’t get close again. I can’t let anyone in. I just want to leave this place and forget it all. All of it.”

  He wiped a few fresh tears away. “All of it? Are you sure about that? As hard as it is to go back, we have an entire childhood together. I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world,” he whispered.

  “How can you just come back all of a sudden and expect it to be easy?” I asked between sobs. “We let too much time pass.”

  He held my face in his hands as he leaned in close. “No amount of time can change what you have always meant to me. Even if you get as far away as you can, that will never change.”

  His eyes and words locked me in. I could see his jaw set tight as he held something back. There was more he wanted to say but he bit his tongue. I forgot myself for a moment until my cell phone rang, snapping us both out of the moment. Confusion washed over me when I saw that it was Jake. I wasn’t used to getting excited about calls, but I felt my heartbeat quicken just a tiny bit when I saw that it was him. Logan noticed a change too.

  “I’ll ask again- are you two a thing?” He said as he leaned back in his chair. He was trying to mask whatever he was thinking.

  “Why don’t you like him?” I felt my composure starting to return.

  “I never said I didn’t.” He stood and offered his hand to help me up. “Let me help you clean the rest.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” I said, but he was already at work. I noticed he still had nervous energy just like when we were kids. He could never sit still for long. We worked together, silently cleaning the mess my parents had left. I was tempted to call the hospital for an update, but decided I’d let them call me. No news was good news. Somehow, Logan had talked me into telling him what happened, and his look of shock was priceless.

  “So, wait- you just bolted?”

  “Yeah. I couldn’t be there. It was horrible.”

  “We are two messed up peas in a pod.”

  I laughed for the first time in a long while at that, and he just shook his head at me with a smile. We had done a pretty good job of cleaning up and after he left I listened to my message from Jake.

  “Hey, wanted to make sure you’re ok. Call me when you can.”

  I felt a smile grown on my face at the sound of his voice, and I knew this was a bad sign. I was starting to enjoy his little intrusions.

  9

  On Monday morning I left my mom sitting at the kitchen table. She was in her robe and she was a mess. She stared out of the window with a blank expression. My dad had been admitted for observation at the county psych ward and I wondered if they should have taken her too. She didn’t move or flinch when I grabbed my granola bar from the pantry. It made me feel like a ghost in my own home, and I knew I’d probably find her in the same place when I got home.

  I was relieved for the first time ever to be at school. I knew I’d be safe from my crazy home life while I was here, and I had my shift at the coffee house after, buying me even more time. As soon as I walked into the building I spotted Jake, leaning on the stairway railing. His black hoodie didn’t seem like it could keep him warm enough and I felt guilty being bundled up in my peacoat.

  “Morning, sunshine.” He smirked at me as he said it.

  “Hello to you too.” I kept my hands in my pockets to look more relaxed. I was anything but.

  “May I walk you to class?”

  “Sure.” As we headed down the hall, I gave him the update. He didn’t say much and I w
ondered if this was the part where he would bow out and make a graceful exit from getting to know me. “I come with a lot of baggage,” I blurted out.

  “Everyone has baggage. It’s all about how you deal with it. I’m not sure I could be as brave as you are.”

  His words made me blush. “I’m not brave,” I said with a melancholy sounding laugh. “I just need to survive.” He nodded and something told me he understood.

  After we parted ways I found myself looking forward to English class where I would see him again. I smiled to myself but the butterfly feeling I was having was cut short when I saw the look Logan was giving me from across the hall. He stood there with his hands in the pockets of his letterman jacket as he glared at me. It didn’t help that Blaine was with him and annoyed at his distraction. I ducked into my fist class as fast as I could and slipped into my chair in the back. It was a little difficult to concentrate on schoolwork when I had so many conflicting emotions playing at the back of my mind. I tried to clear my head from thoughts of Jake, but he popped into my mind over and over.

  My temporary case of A.D.D. finally started to wear off before lunch. No one joined me in my hiding spot outside. It was probably too cold for them. I was fine with freezing if it meant that I could be alone for a while. English was next and I was getting nervous, and really didn’t know why. I started mentally asking myself stupid questions like “What if Jake ignores me in class, or doesn’t sit next to me?”, but my fears were shut down as soon as he walked to the back of class and sat next to me.

  “Miss Winters,” he said with a nod of his head.

  “Mr. Evans,” I replied with a smile. It was way too easy to be around this boy. We were studying The Scarlet Letter and he distracted me by drawing caricatures of the characters in the book. One made me giggle out loud and I slapped a hand over my mouth when our teacher shot me a dirty look. Once class was over I hit Jake on the arm with my textbook.

  “Don’t sit by me if you’re going to get me in trouble!”

  “I’m sorry, but being in trouble builds character,” he said sarcastically.

  “Trust me. I have been in plenty of trouble lately.”

  “Oh, really?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “Yes, and I don’t need anymore.” I was giggling as I said it.

  “What are you doing after school?”

  “Working.”

  “Can I visit?”

  I took a deep breath. I enjoyed his company too much, but I didn’t know if it was a good idea to encourage him. “Jake...” He stopped me before I could go on.

  “It’s a simple yes or no. If you don’t want to see me later I won’t come.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Yeah, it actually is.” I could hear a tiny bit of frustration in his voice.

  “Yes, you can visit me.”

  I thought about going home after school to get a few things done, but decided against it and headed to the bookstore instead. I smiled as soon as I saw Parker behind the counter.

  “Well, well, well. She finally returns.”

  “I have been...a little preoccupied.”

  “With whom?” He said with a raise of his eyebrow.

  “With none of your business. I just need somewhere to do my homework, if you don’t mind.”

  “I might mind. But I guess I’ll let you.” I appreciated his sarcasm for some reason. He got busy with customers as I got busy with schoolwork. As I started packing up to get ready for work I noticed a text on my phone. It was from Logan.

  Can we meet later?

  I’m working all night.

  Can I come there?

  No-I sort of have someone visiting already.

  Him?

  If him is Jake- yes.

  Fine.

  I stared at my phone for a while, wondering how the world had turned upside down so fast. It was hard to tell over text, but I got the feeling he was pissed about something. I didn’t really have time to dwell on it. I had a job to get to.

  10

  The coffee shop was dead thanks to the threat of snow, but that didn’t stop Jake from making it out. I was glad to have the company when he walked in. His pale cheeks were rosy from the bitter cold.

  “How can I help you warm up?”

  He arched an eyebrow at me. “Are you really asking that question?”

  “I meant what can I make for you? As in beverage?”

  “Wishful thinking,” he said with a sigh. I knew I must have been blushing. I would never get used to being flirted with. “How about a caramel latte?”

  “Good choice.” I was glad I had an excuse to turn away. My cheeks felt like they were on fire. I made two and joined him at his table.

  “Has it been this quiet all day?”

  “Ever since I got here. I think you’re my third customer.”

  “Yeah, it’s supposed to be a pretty bad storm. Maybe you should close up early.”

  “I was thinking about it.” I settled back against the cushions and tried to relax.

  “Well, you should. I don’t want you to get caught in that.” His voice was serious and concerned.

  “If it’s so dangerous then why did you venture out?”

  “I think you know why.” His eyes locked on mine when he said it and I could feel the heat rise back into my cheeks. “So, tell me,” he said as he relaxed a little. “You keep talking about leaving. Where do plan to go?”

  “Well, if things go as planned, I hope to attend Brown. Maybe Georgetown.”

  “That’s ambitious.”

  “Thousands of people go to those schools every year. Why is it so outlandish? My GPA is good enough, I’m a good candidate for financial aide, and I’m already working on my entrance essay.” At this point I was sitting up and in defensive mode.

  “Hey, I’m not saying you can’t do it. I’m just impressed that you have a plan. We graduate next year and I’ve changed my mind a dozen times about what I want to do and where I want to go.”

  “I’m sorry. I just take it pretty personally. I haven’t had any help. All I can do is hope I’m on the right path.”

  “Too bad it’s a path so far away from Flagstaff.” There it was again- that charm making me blush. He must have noticed it too because he smiled when he looked at my face. “That’s adorable,” he said, pointing at my cheeks. His finger grazed my skin and I felt a shock travel through my body.

  “I...I should probably clean up,” I said in a whisper. I got up before he could stop me. “You should get home before the snow starts.”

  “Why do you always do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Shut whatever you’re feeling out?” I could see his jaw tighten after he asked.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  He didn’t respond with words. Instead he tossed a few dollar bills on the counter and made his way to the door.

  “Be safe out there,” was all he said before he walked out. I mentally kicked myself for hurting his feelings. Almost every part of me wanted to chase after him, but the tiny part that knew it would make my escape plan harder kept my feet glued in place.

  I made it home just before the snow started to fall. I peeked into my mom’s room and she was out cold, so I decided to grab a snack and watch a little television. Logan texted the moment I sat down.

  I’m an asshole

  I groaned when I read it. I didn’t want to engage in this conversation, but the movie on the television was about a girl in an impossible relationship and it was making me antsy as I watched it.

  What are you talking about?

  About how I’m an asshole. Not just today but all the time. Since the 4th grade.

  Have you been drinking?

  Maybe a little.

  I was starting to realize that Logan might have a problem, and I wasn’t about to encourage his booze-fueled confessions.

  Talk to me when you’re sober, k?

  You hate me don’t you?

  Call me, don’t t
ext me, when you’re sober.

  I let out a frustrated sigh and tossed my phone on the table. I decided to call it a night and crawled into bed. To my surprise, Jake was the last thing I thought about before I drifted off to sleep.

  The morning light seemed brighter than usual when it woke me up the next day. When I sat up in my bed I could see why. The snowstorm delivered as promised, making everything outside a glaring white. I groaned at the thought of putting snow chains on, but I knew I didn’t have time to waste, so I got ready for school quickly and grabbed the chains from the garage.

  As soon as I got outside I could see there would be no point in trying to get the chains on. I would have to dig myself out of several feet of snow first, and that wasn’t going to happen, but there was no way I could miss a day of school-not if I wanted to compete for grants or scholarships. I dropped the chains in frustration and just as I was about to set out on foot, I saw an old, blue truck heading my way. I squinted to see inside the cab and it was Jake. I waved and smiled a confused smile. He pulled up to my house and jumped out of the truck.

  “Did you get my texts?”

  “I haven’t even looked at my phone. What’s going on?”

  “Well, I offered to give you a ride to school, but I just got word that we are having a snow day.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yep. I’m already dressed, and you look pretty bundled up. Are you hungry?”

  The truth was that I was starving. “I am as a matter of fact.”

  “Great. Let’s get pancakes.”

  That sounded like Heaven on Earth. I hopped into the cab of his truck and it was warm and cozy thanks to the heater blasting.

  “Whose truck is this?” I asked as I warmed my fingers in front of the vents.

  “It’s my grandpa’s. He’s a mechanic, but he’s not working today, so he let me use it.”

  “Oh. Does he live with you?”

  “No...,” he hesitated for a moment. “I live with him, and my grandma. They raised me.”

  “Wow.” I didn’t know what to say next, or if I should ask about his parents or not, but I didn’t have to.