Let Me Be Your Truth

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘Have you asked Ruth where he is?’ Abi asked. ‘She might know.’

  ‘She’ll only say he’s fine and that she can’t give me more information because it’s confidential.’

  ‘Surely as a friend, she can tell you what the hell he’s playing at?’ Gem replied.

  ‘She’s his counsellor. She has a code of ethics to adhere to,’ I sighed.

  ‘Fuck ethics!’ Gem shouted as Elle took the bright blue glass of something from her hand.

  ‘Sit, lady; you’ve had enough,’ Elle chastised.

  ‘It’s my birthday; stop being the drink police. No, the bloody fun police!’ Gem shouted.

  Elle directed her to the empty space in the booth next to Abi. ‘At least you know he’s OK,’ Elle said, completely ignoring Gem’s antics.

  ‘I want to know what happened.’

  ‘You deserve to know what happened. I know he has the capability of being a top-notch prick, but there's no excuse for this. Just taking off with no explanation? Two words.' Abi held up two fingers. ‘Fuck. Nugget.'

  ‘Maybe that day got a bit much for him,’ Elle said. ‘Perhaps he’s just taking a bit of a breather.’

  ‘For nine days? No calls, not even a text to say: I'm alright. I'll be back soon.' Abi was getting increasingly irate. This appeared to be touching a nerve, and I suddenly realised it was perhaps bringing back memories of her separation from Jamie.

  ‘I'm trying to be helpful, but really I just don't know what to say,' Elle replied as she took another drink off Gem.

  ‘What’s wrong with her? She’s on a mission to be the drunkest person in the club tonight,’ I said.

  ‘A fallout with her ex-mother-in-law. She found out Gem was dating again and refused to have the kids tonight. My mum is babysitting for her,' Elle replied.

  ‘She can keep her nose out, and so can her fucking son!’ Gem shouted as she beckoned Elle with her finger to the dance floor. ‘Come on; stop talking about men. They break your heart, end of story. Let’s dance!’

  Thursday came around quicker than I had hoped. I hadn't been to the centre since last week's art class, which Danny hadn’t attended. I could sense that things were awkward between Ruth and I, which only added to the hurt. I rang in sick on Monday; I'd promised to help out for a few hours, but when the time came, I couldn't bring myself to leave the flat.

  ‘Kate, sweetheart, how are you?’ Ruth asked as I dropped my bags in her office.

  ‘Do you need to ask?’ I said, harder than I wanted to.

  Ruth sighed. ‘I know you're mad at me, and I understand that, but I really don't want what's happened between you and Danny to affect our friendship.'

  ‘What has happened?’ I asked, incensed and upset in equal measures. ‘I wish I knew because he took off, Ruth, without a word. Without the decency to return my calls or tell me why!’

  Ruth dropped her head and pressed her lips together. ‘This is awful,' she muttered. ‘I've told him that he needs to see you and explain himself, but it's more complicated than you can ever imagine.'

  ‘Just tell me what’s going on!’

  ‘It has to come from him, Kate. It's not my place to say. It's killing me to see you like this, but it's not my place.' She reached over and pulled a tissue from the box on her desk. ‘Please believe me when I say I'm doing all I can to encourage him to get in touch with you.' I finally broke down, slumping into the chair and covering my face with my hands. I felt Ruth's arm across my shoulders, her hand rubbing my back. ‘I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Let it all out. Come on. You're safe here.'

  After a cup of tea and a mini counselling session, we agreed that it wasn't good for me to stay to help out at the session tonight, so I gathered my bags ready to go. After a hug from Ruth and a brief wave to some of the regulars, I pushed the double doors open and made my way to the car park.

  My heart clanged in my chest when I saw his motorbike, large and looming over the other side of the centre. It clanged again when I saw him, tall and brooding and so beautiful I almost fell to my knees. My heart finally dropped to the bottom of my stomach when I saw a young woman skilfully get off the back of his bike, take off the helmet that I had worn so many times before and shake out her blonde curly hair. She looked across; her eyes grew wide. She lightly tapped his arm and he turned to face me, his expression impassive as he put his hands in his back pockets.

  ‘Wow,’ I shouted as my eyes darted between them. ‘How could I have been so stupid?’ He dropped his head and started rubbing the back of his neck before lifting his chin and standing in full defiant mode.

  ‘Had to end one-day, prin—’

  ‘Don't call me princess!’ I shouted.

  ‘You knew the score. I didn’t make any promises; in fact, it was the fucking opposite. No kidney shivers, remember?’

  ‘How can you say that after everything you said to me? Was it all some game to you?' I cried. I couldn't believe him. I refused to believe him.

  ‘I got bored. That’s all. No fucking games. I was honest. Don’t let good sex confuse you into thinking it was anything else.’

  The girl folded her arms and looked to the floor.

  ‘I can't believe this. I can't believe I fell for it,' I murmured as the world I’d hoped for started to fall around me.

  ‘You should have known, Kate. I’m no fucking good for you.’

  ‘You are!’ I shouted. ‘I’m just having a really hard time believing it right now.’

  He shook his head and started to laugh bitterly. ‘You need to look at the world around you. Your naïve opinions that everyone’s good in their own way and the world is a beautiful place make me fucking sick. The world and everyone in it fucks you over,’ he spat. ‘Time you learned that.’ He slung his arm around the blonde and pulled her into him. She looked down, embarrassed.

  I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. ‘I don’t believe you,’ I said firmly.

  ‘I told you; I don't do relationships. I enjoyed fucking you, but that's it.' The girl under his arm gasped and tried to pull away. He held her firm with his hand on her shoulder.

  ‘I’ll never believe it,’ I said, covering my mouth to try to stop the deep sobs. ‘I know you, Danny. This isn’t you. This is so far from you.’

  ‘For fucks sake! We had nothing but sex. Do me a favour and leave me alone. Even better, don’t come here again. This is my place. We don’t need you here,’ he said as he started walking away, the girl still under his arm.

  The anger that had been bubbling on the surface but dampened down by my tears suddenly started to rise and spill over. ‘Thanks for teaching me all you know. I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done. Those blow job skills? Can’t wait to try them out.’ He stopped walking but didn’t turn around. ‘And those positions you say a guy loves because it gets him really deep? Great tips,’ I shouted, my breath running out with every word. ‘I’m all fired up and ready for my next—’

  ‘Don’t, Kate!’ he shouted. ‘Fucking don’t.’ He left the blonde and walked quickly through the front doors. She turned to me and shook her head softly before following him inside.

  ‘He’s a great fuck,’ I shouted. ‘Lucky you!’ I was glued to the spot, my feet unable to move, my body wracked with upset and grief. I’d lost him. He was running again.

  I walked back to my car with a desperate urge to run my fingers across his bike. Instead, I got in and took my phone out of my bag. Seven missed calls. Gem. Abi. Elle. I cried again as I held the phone to my ear.

  ‘Can I see you? I need a squeeze from the kids. And you. And maybe Abi and Elle if they can make it.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Gem replied.

  ‘I’ve seen him! He was with someone else!’

  I heard her single deep breath crackle loudly down the phone. ‘I’m at Elle’s; Abi’s here too. Can you drive?’ I sobbed a loud yes.

  ‘Come now, OK?’

  I drove on autopilot straight to Elle's house and cried when Abi opened the door. ‘Don't say I told you so
. I'm not in the mood.' Abi held me as I collapsed into her arms. Elle and Gem followed swiftly behind. We stayed silent in the hallway as we cradled each other in a hug. I noticed Ben making his way down the stairs before quickly going back up again, his paint-stained trousers disappearing into their bedroom. ‘I've frightened Ben away.'

  ‘A house full of upset women isn’t really in his comfort zone,’ Elle smiled.

  ‘Who else is upset?’ I asked

  ‘Oh, it's me, but it's nothing,' Gem said as she wafted her hand in the air. ‘I met someone online but it was a disaster,' she smiled.

  ‘She needs a laugh, Gem. Tell her what happened,' Elle said as she pulled up a footstool. Ben and Elle had moved in eight months ago and were living with donated furniture after Ben spent his savings on a trip to New York and a Tiffany engagement ring. Slowly they were decorating room by room.

  ‘We had a lovely date and I was excited about seeing him again, but he sent me this a few days later.' Gem took out her phone and showed me a text message.

  Jeff: Dinner and anal?

  I opened my mouth in shock. ‘Wow. He’s not backwards in coming forwards.’

  ‘Fuck me!’ Abi laughed as she choked down her drink. ‘He’s forwards in coming backwards.’

  Gem playfully pushed her arm and gave her the stare. ‘I thought he was joking. When I established that he was, in fact, serious, I sent him a carefully worded reply,’ she laughed. ‘The worst thing is that he said I looked like the type of woman that would be up for it. I mean, I’m not saying it’s completely off limits but not on the second fucking date!’

  ‘Oh God!’ I smiled as Elle handed me a chocolate muffin.

  ‘Anyway, that’s nothing compared to you. Tell us what happened.’

  ‘I saw him at the centre just now.’ Everything came rushing back to me. ‘A woman got off the back of his bike. She was wearing my fucking helmet. Can you believe that? My helmet!’

  ‘Wait, you’ve been on his bike?’ Elle asked, completely flabbergasted.

  ‘Yes, a few times. First to the sex party and then we went to the—’

  ‘Sex party?’ Elle interrupted.

  ‘Back up a minute! He took you to an orgy? Fucking hell, Kate!’ Abi laughed. ‘I need to hear this.’

  ‘I may have overheard things I really don’t want to know about you,’ Ben said as he blushed lightly. ‘But I just wanted to say I’m sorry. No one deserves to be treated like that.’ I smiled as I watched him washing paintbrushes in the sink.

  ‘Thanks. You don’t happen to have an equally as handsome brother do you?’ I asked.

  ‘He’s nowhere near as handsome as me,’ he smiled as he raised his eyebrow. ‘And he’s married. And a bit of a dick. He also has a kid and another one on the way. Did I say he was also a bit of a dick?’

  I laughed at Ben’s dry humour before starting the reenactment of seeing Danny today. ‘I honestly don’t know what to do. How do you get over someone who changed your life in so many ways?’

  ‘I don't know. I've never had that experience, but if I thought too long about Elle leaving me, I don't know how I'd ever recover.' I looked to the floor; afraid the tears would come to the surface again. ‘I'm not helping, am I? That was a crap thing to say. Ignore me. How about another muffin?' Ben flapped and looked thoroughly relieved when Elle came through to the kitchen.

  ‘Ben, your mum and grandma are here. Your step-dad dropped them off. Do you think I should invite him in?' Ben shook his head and continued pressing the brushes into the sink, albeit with a bit more force than before. They had a complicated relationship.

  Elle waved me into the living room. I followed reluctantly as I wiped my eyes. ‘It's his grandma's birthday. Just humour her,' Elle said as the lady in question appeared in the doorway.

  ‘Happy birthday!' I said with a false smile.

  ‘Who are you?’

  ‘Kate; remember? Elle’s friend.’

  ‘If you'd have introduced yourself first, I'd have known who you are.' She was a force of nature—Abi in sixty years’ time.

  ‘Are you having a nice day?’ I asked, trying to make conversation and to tone down the feeling of intimidation she encouraged.

  ‘Lovely. Don't I look good for sixty-nine? I'm finally the same age as my favourite sexual position.' I laughed at the inappropriateness and because I was reasonably sure she had turned sixty-nine about twenty years ago.

  ‘Fancy joining me in a little tipple? Where’s Ben? I need a kiss from my grandson and a sherry in my hand.’

  ‘Oh, no, thanks. I'd love to, but I think I'm going to head off. I'm not much company. Wouldn't want to ruin your birthday.'

  ‘What’s his name? More importantly, what has he done?’ Ben’s grandma stepped forward, her walking stick at her side.

  ‘How do you know that?’ I asked.

  ‘You look awful, you've been crying and Elle's offering cake. Group calorie intake is usually because of a man and whatever poor decision he's made with that brain dangling between their legs,' she said, shaking her head. ‘Tell me, what's he done?'

  ‘Dumped me without telling me and started seeing someone else.’

  ‘Sounds like you’re better off without him,’ she replied. ‘Find yourself a man who loves you so much he won’t even glance at another woman.’

  ‘I’ll keep that in mind.’

  ‘Now this one has it made,’ she said as she stroked Elle’s face before turning to Abi. ‘How’s your love life?’

  ‘Good, thanks.’

  ‘I bet that boy goes like the clappers,’ she smiled.

  ‘He does,’ Abi winked.

  ‘If I were years younger, I would be giving him a go, let me tell you.'

  ‘I’ll tell him; he’ll be made up,’ Abi replied.

  ‘Where’s my grandson?’ she asked as Ben appeared from the kitchen. ‘There he is.’ Ben took her arm and smiled as Elle started wafting her arms, secret code to tell him to keep her there.

  ‘I'm sorry. No filter,' Elle said. ‘Let's talk.' She put her arm around my shoulders. A wallpaper stripper was sitting in the corner and various tins of paint were lined up according to size; Ben’s OCD was working overtime and would be until the house was finished.

  ‘I don’t understand why he would suddenly take off. I mean, if he wanted to end things, why didn’t he just say instead of leaving in the middle of the night without another word?’ Elle asked.

  ‘I don’t believe anything he said. I’m not stupid. I can read people; it’s part of our job. He felt something. I know it.’

  ‘I think there’s more to this,’ Gem said.

  ‘Definitely. This isn’t the full story,’ Elle confirmed.

  ‘What should I do?' I said, the upset straining in my voice. ‘He's changed me. He's made me understand myself more. It's like he's tempted the real me out of the shell I've protected myself with for so long. How do you get over that?' I had started to accept that I was good enough, my opinion mattered, and I didn't have to hide them anymore just to be liked and accepted. I felt like I understood myself better. Everything about me was suddenly more clearly defined.

  ‘Don't lose that. Don't ever lose what you've learned about yourself. He was a big part of it, but it was you who made those changes,' Elle smiled. ‘I can see how much of an impact he's had, and it's been so positive. You're happy, more relaxed. In work, I can see that you're not afraid to speak up; it's been so amazing to watch.'

  ‘I’ve decided not to trace my birth family,’ I said, tears starting again.

  Gem knelt down in front of me. ‘Stop the rollercoaster; I want to get off,’ she smiled. ‘Is that really what you want, or a result of everything else that’s going on?’

  I held my head in my hands. ‘I came to that decision long before Danny left. I'm not closing the door completely, but right now, I'm just not sure I'm ready. I could be opening myself up to anything. I mean, what if they're still addicts? What if things are exactly the same for them? I don't think I'm strong enough.'r />
  Gem hugged me. ‘You’re strong, Kate. That’s how you’ve come to this decision. Do what’s right for you. If that’s how you feel right now, listen to your instincts. You might change your mind in the future.’

  I smiled and took a breath. At least I’d made a decision about one area of my life even if I didn’t know what to do about the other. I watched Gem put her phone away and get ready to go home. She held out her arms.

  ‘Gem.’

  ‘Yes,’ she replied as she wrapped me in a hug.

  ‘I've been meaning to say this for a while.'

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘Stop meeting pricks online.’

  She laughed. ‘I'm trying, Kate. Fucking hell, I'm trying!'

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Danny

  I threw my helmet at the wall, the massive crash breaking the silence. Hearing her say she was going to use all I'd taught her with someone else made me want to scratch at my eyeballs with a fucking rusty nail. I tried to shake the thoughts that would keep me from falling asleep every night for the rest of my shit life when the doors swung open behind me and Melissa followed with a scowl and clenched fist.

  ‘How could you say that to her? She looked heartbroken, you piece of shit!’ Melissa shouting in my ear was the last thing I fucking needed. ‘Don’t use me like that again. What a prick! You’re lucky I didn’t break your nose. How could you do that?’

  ‘Just shut the fuck up, Melissa!'

  ‘No! You need to hear this. Just sex. You knew the score. You got fucking bored!’ She shouted. ‘You make me sick. I’ve listened to you for the last week. You’re feeling it as much as her. Don’t make out that you aren’t.’

  ‘She needs to know that we can't be together. I needed to push her the fuck away. There's no future for us; not now!' I shouted, the stress in my voice causing it to constrict.

  ‘Didn’t you see her?’ Melissa scolded.

  ‘I fucking saw.’

  ‘She’s hurting,’ Melissa said, pushing me in the chest. Fucking brat. She was younger than me but somehow, in the whirlwind that was my life, she had promoted herself from the pecking order of younger cousin to full-blown mother substitute.