Let Me Be Your Truth

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘You’re past that now,’ she said, leaning forward and putting her hands together like in prayer. I was ready to join her if I thought it would help. ‘Listen to me. You don't fall in love with someone thinking how much more you could love them if only you could change them. You fall in love with someone because of who they are, now, right in that fragment of time. Kate has never tried to change you. Not once. She’s accepted you. She knows your limitations. She knows what’s good for you and that’s why, despite how hard it must have been for her, she walked into that gallery last week and bought that painting.’

  ‘She’s too good for me.’

  ‘That's nonsense, Danny. Kate is an exceptional young woman, but she has her own flaws. She's lived her life changing herself to please others. Desperate for people to like her, accept her. Love her. She didn’t change herself for you. She’s been raw and real. She showed you her true self. Doesn’t that count for anything?’

  ‘Of course it does. More than you know,' I replied, knowing that Ruth was speaking the truth.

  ‘I’m going to ask you two questions.’ She lifted the glasses from the top of her head and put them on. ‘How do you feel without Kate in your life?’

  Broken, helpless, so fucking miserable that it ached under my bones.

  ‘The truth?’ I asked as she nodded her head. ‘Pointless. Everything feels pointless.’

  ‘That’s love, Danny. You feel so intensely for another person that everything else falls away when you aren’t with them. They’re all you can think about. You feel the adrenaline rush and it scares you because you’ve never associated it with anything meaningful before.’

  ‘She means more,’ I replied, finally allowing the truth to dominate.

  She placed both hands on the table and nodded. ‘Ready for my second question?’

  ‘No, but I feel it coming anyway.’

  ‘Can you imagine living the rest of your life without her?’

  ‘Fuck,’ I said, placing both hands behind my head. Talk about going straight in for the jugular.

  ‘I know you're not good at facing things, Danny, and I know you well enough now to see you planning your escape route, but I want you to do something. Think about that question. Go over it. Write down the pros and cons, whatever will help you to understand that all you're doing is punishing yourself.' She stood up and walked around her desk, the desk I'd sat at so many times I'd lost count, and she did something I wasn't expecting. She hugged me. Her arms clasped around my shoulders and for a moment. I dropped my head against her and welcomed the warmth. ‘Stop punishing yourself. Stop punishing her.' She stood back and held my face in her hands before a knock on the door cut through the moment. ‘I'll be there in a minute,' Ruth said as she stood back and rubbed her eyes with her fingers before returning her eyes to mine. ‘Where are you running to?'

  ‘I don't know. I need some time. Maybe I'll just pack everything up and go. I have enough money saved to book a flight and go by the end of the week.'

  ‘Then what? Come back here when the money runs out? Carry on where you left off? You can’t run away forever. The past will always catch up with you.’

  I stood up, pushing the chair back and watching Ruth as she tried to hold it all together. ‘Maybe that’s what I’m hoping for.’

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  ‘I'm fine, Gem. It's healing well. Thanks for coming with me. Yes, I promise. No! I don't need an orgasm to clear the fog. I will come over tomorrow. No, I'm not sitting crying in my pyjamas. I was in my jogging bottoms, but she didn't need to know that. Give the kids a hug from me. OK. Love you too.’

  It was three weeks since I went to the art gallery and I'd done nothing but procrastinate. Don't get me wrong; I'd been to work, in body alone, definitely not in spirit. I'd had a support session with Abi to help me try to make sense of my background history by sifting through the parts that didn't link directly to Danny.

  I'd never been on the receiving end of heartbreak before. When previous relationships ended, I only felt a tremendous sense of relief. I'd never fully understood the ache of heartbreak because I'd never experienced it. The worst aspect to navigate around was the awful plethora of feelings. When someone makes a choice not to be with you anymore, it doesn't mean that you immediately feel the same way. Wouldn't it be a lot easier if it did? The heartache was accepting that everything that was once part of me was suddenly pulled away. The shock was still working its way through my heart, disrupting the pattern of beats and making everything seem unfathomable.

  Another overwhelming feeling that I was battling with was sadness. I could never imagine experiencing a day that was so dark that it led you to believe that you didn't deserve to fall in love or become close to someone because of the fear of losing them. I knew my love for Danny would always blaze brightly. He was far too important just to let fizzle away. He would flicker and light the way for everyone else who was to come after him.

  During the traumatic first few days, Gem, Abi and Elle took it in turns to check on me, and in some instances, stay with me overnight. I jokingly called it the hide the razor blades shift. We demolished seven tubs of ice cream and more than enough wine to numb the pain until morning. I initially stayed away from the centre until Ruth assured me that Danny wouldn't be there. The need to be in the same space as his paintings, to breathe the air we had shared and to sit at the table where he had so masterly shown me what sex could be like was overwhelming.

  Ruth reassured me that although he had disappeared from Nottingham, he was fine wherever he was and whatever he was doing. I preferred to believe that he left to chase his travelling dreams. It was easier that way. Ruth was maintaining brief contact with him and would say that he was making the best kind of progress, whatever that meant. Her smile after telling me reassured me that I didn’t need to worry about him.

  Although the worrying had eased, my heartbreak hadn't. Leaving the flat sometimes felt like too much hard work. I hadn't been out all weekend. I'd only just decided to take a walk to try to clear my head and stop the permanent imprint of my bum cheeks on the settee when I heard a knock at the door.

  I didn’t expect to see Danny when I opened it.

  ‘Delivery for Miss Roper,’ he said, holding a large parcel wrapped in brown paper. He put it down on the floor and tore a strip down the front revealing the beautiful reds and oranges of our tree painting. I stood open mouthed and in shock, completely stunned that he was standing before me. ‘Don’t look like that. It was fucking tricky getting it here on the bike, let me tell you,’ he smiled.

  ‘Sorry; what?’ I whispered, trying but failing to take everything in.

  ‘I was joking,’ he frowned.

  ‘I wasn’t expecting anyone. I wasn’t expecting you. Especially you.’

  ‘You left this. I wanted to bring it to you,' Danny said.

  ‘I didn’t pay for it. I was going to go back…’

  ‘It belongs to you, princess.’

  ‘Don’t call me princess,’ I replied, trying to hide a smile behind my hand.

  ‘What do you want me to call you?' As he rubbed the back of his head, I saw the nerves bouncing through him. He alternated between smiling and lowering his eyes, unable to meet mine. ‘What about my girlfriend? My lover? The most amazing part of my life?'

  ‘Danny, I can’t go through this with you again,’ I said, stepping back ready to close the door before he ruined the small amount of progress I had made without him.

  ‘Wait,’ he said, pushing back the door. ‘I’m here to apologise. I’ve been thinking about what you said. Fuck. I’ve been thinking of nothing else.’ I watched him cautiously as he raked his hands through his hair. ‘I’ve realised that before you, there was never really a purpose—’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ I whispered.

  ‘When you came to the gallery, I couldn’t believe… I couldn’t…’ His deep intake of breath filled the air between us. ‘No one has ever done anything like that for me before. You gave everything to me. You
were selfless. You were buying the painting knowing that I was leaving. Knowing that, essentially, you would be helping to fund me going away. You put all your feelings aside and did that for me.’

  ‘It’s your dream, Danny. Why wouldn’t I want that for you?’

  ‘You've done it,' he said, grabbing my hand and pulling my arm towards him. ‘I can't believe you’ve done it.' He fluttered his fingers across the dream catcher tattoo on my forearm, exactly where I said I would put it all those months ago. His beautiful design, a visual representation of the safety my adoptive parents gave me as a child and continued throughout my life. ‘It’s…’

  ‘Art itself,’ I said, smiling as I remembered how Ruth described him when we first met.

  ‘You make it look stunning.' He kissed my tattoo before taking my hand. I pulled away and watched his face fall like he already knew that the last chance was already slipping away from him. ‘Just give me a minute. I know I’ve put you through shit but I need you to hear me out.’ I crossed my arms and leant against the door. ‘I…I’ve finally come to understand that all my life I've been waiting. Waiting for you.'

  I pressed the tips of my fingers to my lips and felt the tears drop down onto my cheeks. ‘What’s changed? You were so adamant…so…’

  ‘Stubborn?' he smiled. ‘I saw Ruth. She asked me a question.'

  ‘What did she ask?’

  ‘She asked me if I could see myself living the rest of my life without you.’

  ‘What was your answer?’

  ‘I didn't answer. I ran.' My heart dropped two inches lower inside my chest and I had to grab onto the edge of the door for safety. Danny took in a sharp breath. ‘Hear me out. Please. Yes, I ran, but I thought about you and nothing else. I can't stop myself from loving you. I tried, but I can't do it anymore,' he said, rubbing the back of his head. ‘I miss the way you make me feel, Kate. Like I'm good enough. Like I'm valued. Loved.'

  ‘What are you saying?’ I gasped, still holding my hand to my mouth.

  ‘You have this way about you. You see the best in everyone, and you don't make judgments no matter what people have done in life. It's fucking amazing. You pull people up in the world and make them great again. You make me feel like I can do anything and I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry for all this,' he said as he covered his face with his hands. I stepped towards him and pulled them away so that I could finally take in his handsome face. ‘I need you,' he whispered. ‘I was too much of a fucking prick to understand that we deserve it, Kate. We deserve it all.'

  ‘How will I know if I’m enough?’ I asked, the question so familiar but the answer never more important now. I held my breath, fighting the urge to look at him, knowing I would break if I did. But I needed an answer that would satisfy the doubts. I needed to hear his answer deep from inside him.

  ‘You’ve always been enough.’

  I felt his arms wrap around my waist as he pulled me towards him. All the hurt and pain of the last few weeks flowed away in the strength of his kisses against mine. ‘I've missed this,' he said as he gently pulled my head back and kissed along my jawbone.

  I let him wash over me again, allowing him to enter me, forgiving the hurt, forgetting the pain until it didn't matter anymore. I had always wanted the type of relationship where you missed them as soon as they left your side. I wanted the mad love that Elle and Abi had found. The kind of love that turned you into the person you'd been shying away from because you were too afraid before to embrace the real you. I knew as I watched his face and took in the relief as I held him that we had a connection that was deeper than just lust. We had shared a mutual journey in life. We might not have known it at the time, but now it was screaming at us.

  ‘Promise me something,’ I said through a moan as he continued pressing kisses to all the spots he knew made me weak. He nodded into my neck. ‘Lesson number whatever it was…communication.’

  ‘Mmm hmm,’ he murmured as he started to pull up my top with his fingers, pressing them sharply into my hips.

  ‘I need to teach you something,’ I gasped. ‘Don’t run. There’s nothing we can’t talk about.’

  ‘I can't promise not to fuck it up again, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying not to,' he smiled.

  ‘Don’t run and we’ll be OK,’ I replied, pushing his hair back from his forehead.

  ‘You’ll give me another chance?’ he asked as his hands were searching for me, dipping down into the soft fabric of my joggers.

  ‘I think the fact that you have your finger on my clit means I don’t have to answer that question.’

  ‘I want to take you to bed,' he said, his hand rocking against me. ‘Lesson number…we've had too many lessons to remember the number…make-up sex.' I had no option but to smile.

  He took my hand and led me to the bedroom, arching my back down on the bed until he was on top of me. He held his body weight with his arms and rubbed his finger across my lips. ‘You could stay,' I said as he smiled brightly.

  ‘I'll stay, but I need to tell you the exact reason why.'

  ‘Tell me,’ I replied as he kissed my lips.

  ‘Because you, princess, give me fucking kidney shivers.'

  Epilogue

  Danny.

  Two months later.

  ‘Why were you so determined to sort things out between us?’ I asked Ruth as she discreetly wiped her eyes and hugged me pretty tightly for a tiny fucking whisper of a woman.

  ‘Because I knew she would be good for you and I knew you would be good for her,’ she replied. ‘Look after her and before I go because I hate goodbyes. -I want to say one word. Communication.’ I smiled and watched her kiss Kate before heading out of the terminal.

  I couldn't do anything else but smile. Kate looked amazing. Her dream catcher tattoo caught my eye. She had surprised me by adding another, a smaller version of the shadowy trees across my arms that she loved so much, still delicate and fitting to her, but to us, it symbolised our connection that was getting deeper by the day. Kate was glowing according to Elle. I had no idea what the fuck that meant, but it sounded good to me. Abi, Gem and Elle were taking it in turns to cry. In fact, they had been since we announced that Kate had decided to come travelling with me. She didn't need a lot of persuading. The Kate I met had well and truly left the building. She was taking risks and finally living her life with only a few signs of caution. I liked to think that the change was because of me, but really, she always had it in her, lying underneath her instinctive need to please everyone else but herself.

  Although Kate had agreed to come with me, she wasn't quite ready to leave work behind entirely. Jamie had agreed that Kate could take a six-month career break.

  We decided that we wouldn't make any further decisions about our future until we returned to the UK. We knew we needed to enjoy the moment and forget the past for a while. We didn't want our history to define us, but we respected the importance of the part it played.

  She was so fucking amazing. Every new experience she met head-on. I smiled as I remembered her packing shorts and vest tops. So not her. She almost cried when she packed away her designer bags. She decided to wear her heels to the airport knowing it would be the last time for a while. She wrapped those heels around me as we made love the night before, and I fucking loved that despite her insatiable appetite for sex, she still looked wide-eyed and innocent as I fucked her into an orgasm.

  She was sex in a silk pleated skirt. She said she would change on the plane; who was I to question that? She looked spectacular. Always put together. She had a great eye for colour. I wondered what underwear she'd packed, but that was fucking stupid because she was always bare underneath those skirts. My preference. Especially for me.

  We fell into a natural rhythm, which was unbelievable when I thought back to when we first met. Little Miss Perfect was so different to me. She grated on my nerves because she was everything I fucking hated. Perfectly perfect. Sugary sweet. Using Daddy’s money to get through uni to qualify as a know it all. Her designer c
lothes sitting in her designer apartment as she tried to help people who couldn’t afford their next meal. How could I get somebody so completely wrong? She loved her work. It wasn’t just a career to her, or a way to pay the bills. It was a vocation. A calling.

  ‘Have you seen what the girls have given me?' Kate said. Sometimes, when I looked at her, she shocked me with her beauty, and I would have to take a second to remember where and who I was. ‘It's a travel journal. How amazing is that?' She smiled but I knew she was already on the verge of tears.

  ‘Mate, you know you’re going to end up carting that around in your backpack, don’t you?’ Jamie laughed as he patted me on the back.

  ‘If I were you, I’d conveniently leave it on the plane,’ Ben smiled.

  We'd made friends pretty quickly. I think Abi and Elle made sure of it. Jamie was funny and laid back. He'd been through significant bereavements, so I found myself able to talk to him. He had this calming influence and just accepted people despite their mistakes. I'd seen him at the centre a few times. I had suspected that he was having counselling with Ruth. He was a mystery to me then. I never got my head around the man that would turn up in a sharp suit one week, and then a vintage Back To the Future T-shirt the next.

  I was shocked beyond words when Ben set up a website for me, making it another stream of income to help fund our travels. My paintings were selling, and that felt fucking amazing.

  She had brought so much good into my life. Good that had never been there before. She had started to suck out every bit of anger and rage that I had at the world with every breath that she took. Just watching her paint relaxed me. She would often paint quietly as I sat and sketched her in the corner of her room. This led to her preference for painting naked, which, in turn, led to my preference of fucking her as she bent over and clung onto an easel. Art had never looked so good. We fitted perfectly together. She always said that we were meant to be. I fucking believed that.