Physical differences noticed today: I’ve continued to feel quite fatigued. That’s my new normal. Sleepy. I even took a nap before confession today.
Mental differences noticed today: I fell asleep really quickly before my nap (I experienced a shorter than usual period of thinking before falling asleep).
Is that a mental difference or just a side effect of the physical (sleepy) difference?
I’m sure he’ll tell me if I put it in the wrong category.
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Something weird has been going on with my routines during the last few days. My timing is off. Everything’s a little faster. I’m still accomplishing everything, though. Just somehow in less time.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
I caught myself doing it today during my spare time after my shortened morning routine. I was bored. I didn’t have anything else to do.
How many calories did you consume today? More than 1399 and less than 1401.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? Slow cooker meals.
What song is in your head right now?
Hmm…my night routine is already done. And it’s early. And I’m not quite ready to fall asleep, so…
What song is in your head right now? “All by Myself.” Jamie O’Neal (And Bridget Jones too).
Send.
{Really, my head is playing—}
Wait—I have a new email. From DA Blake.
Open.
Music in my head: “I’ll be There” by The Jackson Five.
Wow.
Quick reply.
An OCD joke, Dr. Blake? Wow. I’m pleased with your progress.
-Dr. Royce
SEND.
DAY 22 (SUNDAY)
Time medicine PLUS CRACKERS taken: 4:00 p.m. (plus about seven thousand calories from tonight’s family dinner. Mom really went all out tonight. Probably because you came…)
Physical differences noticed today: My stomach is full. Very full.
Mental differences noticed today: I’m happy that Jared hasn’t scared Holly off yet. He’s not even on his best behavior anymore, telling gross stories at dinner and belching at his leisure. I think Holly’s a keeper.
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Seriously, they are getting shorter. It’s like, I don’t know, I can move on more quickly after finishing each step. I think that’s it. So, consequently, I’m finding myself with some extra time—time that I’m not really sure how to fill…
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
Okay. I’m going to need to find some extra activities to do. I mean, I do use some of the extra time for napping, which is fine (and necessary), but I’m having a little too much sitting around and picking at my nails time. I’m going to work on this.
How many calories did you consume today? 1800 (I ate dessert at Mom and Dad’s house).
Stupid, Callie. Stupid, stupid, stupid Callie.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? An assortment of “Foods for Fabulous Fall Festivities” (the people on TV said “Foods for Fabulous Fall Festivities” about nine hundred times).
This program was sort of annoying. But finishing my night routine early means turning the television on early. And early TV means going to bed to different programs than I’m used to, I guess.
What song is in your head right now? “As Time Goes By.” Dooley Wilson.
Send.
DAY 23 (MONDAY)
Time medicine PLUS CRACKERS taken: 4:00 p.m.
Physical differences noticed today: I’m tired. Just tired.
Mental differences noticed today: I’m looking forward to having a couple days off of school for Thanksgiving.
Should my whole boredom thing go here in this category? Is that really an important mental difference?
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Somehow, they were shorter yet today. Every day, I’m being more time efficient. Somehow.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
Okay. I REALLY have to come up with some activities to fill my downtime. Because just sitting around and picking at my nails is a huge waste of time.
How many calories did you consume today? 1400.
Lying. Lying. Lying. One thousand calories. Making up for yesterday’s dessert-eating fiasco.
I’m not telling him, though—he probably won’t like my calorie-limiting system.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? Turkey.
More stupid fabulous food festivity shit. I’m guessing this week’s festivity of focus will be Thanksgiving.
What song is in your head right now? “Somewhere.” Barbra Streisand.
Send.
DAY 24 (TUESDAY)
Time medicine PLUS CRACKERS taken: 4:00 p.m.
Physical differences noticed today: Really nothing new.
Mental differences noticed today: Nothing new here either.
Working on the boredom. Gonna make it go away.
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Shorter yet.
I know. I know. I know. I should probably tell him about my shortened routines. But I just want to make sure that this is for real. A real change. Not just some fluke.
Also…I don’t want him to start to EXPECT shorter routines. Then he’ll just be all disappointed and sad and thinking about his mother if I can’t always do it or if I can’t stick with it.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
Okay. I spent today’s downtime making a list. A list of things that I can do during my extra time. I did pick at my nails while making the list, however.
How many calories did you consume today? 1400.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? Stuffing.
Yep. A week of Thanksgiving foods.
What song is in your head right now? “Thinking Out Loud.” Ed Sheeran.
{Welcome back, Ed. I’m not really “Thinking Out Loud” right now, however. More like writing out loud. Or thinking without writing. Or—}
CALLIE!
SEND.
DAY 25 (WEDNESDAY)
Time medicine PLUS CRACKERS taken: 4:00 p.m.
Physical differences noticed today: Still nothing.
Why do I have to keep responding to this? If I were going to have an allergic reaction to the medicine, that would’ve probably already happened. Right?
Unless he’s asking this for another reason. But what reason? What physical differences am I supposed to be noticing?
Better vision? Longer legs? Bigger Breasts? Or—
Wait. Does he think that I’m going to get bigger? That I’m going to stop caring about my weight and calories and everything? Seriously?
Not gonna happen, Dr. Blake.
Mental differences noticed today: I have two days off of school for Thanksgiving. I’m pretty pumped.
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Even shorter. Unreal. Fabulously unreal.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
I did it less today! I picked several things from my Extra Time List to do instead. I organized Mandy’s DVD cabinet. I went through my clothes and selected rarely worn items for Mandy to take with her the next time she donates to Goodwill. I also downloaded a new celebrity magazine to read on my Kindle…
How many calories did you consume today? 1400.
What food was being cooked last night when you went to bed? Sides. Mashed potatoes and corn.
What song is in your head right now? “All About That Bass.” Meghan Trainor.
Send.
Day 26 (THURSDAY)
Something crazy happened. Crazy. INSANE.
He just sent me a text. AND he is giving me four days off from journal writing, four days that he’s not forcing me to make up.
Four days off…
1.) Today (Thanksgiving)—he says that he is giving me the da
y off because I’ll be busy with family dinner and Black Friday preparations tonight. And he’s right. I will be busy spending time with family and eating and making a shopping game plan for tomorrow. However, I don’t believe that this is why I’ve been given the day off. I assume it is actually because he is spending the majority of the day with me. So he will be watching me. So he doesn’t need my stupid journal entry.
2.)Tomorrow (Black Friday)—he says that he is giving me this day off because I’ll be busy at my house all day with my sisters and Mom. Oh, and Holly too. And I will be busy. We will be busy. Sitting around in pajamas with our laptops all day long. Shopping all day long. And watching Friends reruns. Kind of like an all day Girls’ Night. Busy. Busy. Busy.
But, again, I don’t think busyness got me the day off of journal writing. I think Mandy and Melanie probably agreed to watch me and report back to him. So no journal entry is really needed, I’m sure.
3.) Saturday and Sunday (no specific holiday on either day). Okay…I’m not sure why I am getting the whole weekend off. He just kind of lumped these two days into the holiday weekend journal break. So…maybe it’s because he knows that I’ll be tired from all of the Black Friday shopping. Or maybe it’s because he knows that Mom and my sisters and Holly will stick around for a bit on Saturday before heading home. Or maybe it’s because he knows that I’ll have a lot of schoolwork to catch up on during the day on Sunday. OR maybe he is giving me four days off on purpose—to see if I’ll get upset that it’s not three days. I’m not upset about that. No, I’m not upset at all—because four days is more than three days. I’ll take whatever days I can get off from journal writing. In any increment. But maybe he doesn’t realize that. Maybe he’s testing me.
Or…or…or…maybe, just maybe, he is truly being kind. Giving me four days off of dumb, monotonous, totally useless journal writing to be nice. Maybe he’s just being nice…
DAY 30 (MONDAY)
He wasn’t being nice. Not nice at all.
I just sat down at my computer to write tonight’s entry. Found this in my email…
Callie,
I’m pretty sure that you are holding back some information when you write your journal entries. I know you are experiencing some differences (I woke up last Saturday when you got into bed after your night routine—you were finished at least an hour early. Also, I’ve been keeping track of the cooking shows you’ve been watching before bed. You’ve been turning on the television earlier and earlier).
Tonight, for your last journal entry, I want you to answer a different list of questions—more detailed questions. Answer them as specifically as you can. This list covers different items that you should be thinking about, but it’s not all inclusive. Feel free to add any extra information that you think might be pertinent.
Remember, this medication isn’t going to all of a sudden cure you, but you are going to make little improvements, small gains, here and there. Each bit of progress is significant. So tell me more about what you are experiencing.
Love,
Aiden
Ugh. Well, ugh except for the last part. The “Love, Aiden” part.
UGH for him always knowing what is going on.
UGH for having to fill out a longer form. A MUCH longer form.
This is even worse than his “standard” questions. Way worse.
Here goes.
What time did you take your medicine? I took my medicine AND crackers at 4:00 p.m. I was in the middle of finishing my paper on Jane Austen’s Persuasion.
Have you noticed any physical differences in the last few weeks (headaches/general aches or pains/rashes/cold-like symptoms—ailments that are not present every day)?
Ailments? Who says ailments?
Clearly, the same person who says medicinal bandage. Or was it medicinal Band-Aid? Either way, it’s a ridiculous phrase.
He hasn’t said it in a long time, though. Perhaps because I am currently using that medicinal bandage.
Okay. He wants details. Here goes.
I have been really tired. Always tired. But I’ve been taking naps to deal with this.
What else can I write about? I haven’t really had any other physical diff—
Wait. I know.
Early last week, I had cramps for a few days. I also bled during this time. I was retaining water as well, so I felt bloated. I didn’t have any headaches or rashes or anything, but I did have a big zit on my chin. It finally went away toward the end of the week.
As for cold-like symptoms, I haven’t documented my sneezes over the last few weeks, but I’m sure I’ve sneezed here and there. Not very often, but I’m sure it happened once or twice. No other cold-like symptoms.
Have you noticed any mental differences recently (general changes in stress levels, new worries/less worries, etc.)? Well, I guess I’ve been relaxed enough to fall asleep for my naps, so my stress level must be down somewhat. As for new worries, I haven’t totally freaked out about anything new, I guess. I did accidentally hear the opening of a television commercial about treatment for herpes, but I switched the channel before it got too scary. And I didn’t let myself continue to think about it afterward…which is good. An improvement. But I don’t want to keep writing about it now. So I’m moving on.
As for less worries, well, I guess I’m somewhat less worried about messing up my checking (if this makes sense). As you have so astutely noticed, I have been getting through my routines more quickly. So I must somehow be allowing myself to believe that I’ve adequately performed a step, a check, in a much timelier fashion than usual.
You sound like a total tool, Callie. Luckily, he speaks “tool.” So he’ll understand it.
Did you do your routines today? Yes.
Were your routines shorter than usual today? Yes. Honestly, they are getting a bit shorter every day, even though I’m still doing all of the normal checking and cleaning. As I said in my previous answer, my brain is just apparently accepting the completion of each step much faster than it used to…which is surreal. And sort of awesome.
Have you continued to experience a stream of music in your head? If so, what song is in your head right now? Yes—the music is still ever-present. Right now, I’m listening to “Summer Nights” from Grease. Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta are singing about their romantic summer. Oh, and all of the T-Birds and Pink Ladies keep breaking in, singing too, asking for more details.
Have you still been going to confession on Saturdays? Yes.
Are you still picking off your nail polish? Yes.
But not as much during my downtime. I’ve been completing schoolwork ahead of schedule, organizing various closets and items in the house, paying bills, etc. Maybe I should also start to watch a television series on Netflix…
How many calories did you consume today? 1400.
OH. On some days during my spare time, I’ve been doing this exercise DVD. I did some research, and I must be burning between two hundred and three hundred calories every day I do the video. On those days, I get to eat an extra one hundred and fifty calories (just in case my research is wrong—in case I’m not burning a full two hundred to three hundred calories). I’m still counting my calorie consumption as fourteen hundred daily, though…
Because 1400 calories minus around 150 burned calories (or more—safer to estimate low, though) plus 150 calories still equals 1400 calories.
Are you still stepping on the scale every day? Yes.
And I’m going to continue to do this. I don’t plan on gaining any weight. So this is a responsible practice.
Are you still counting to three in your head? Yes.
Yes. Yes.
Answer the following questions with one of the following responses:
Absolutely/Probably/Possibly/Probably not/Not a chance
Are you ready to try to have your blood work done? Not a chance.
Not a freaking chance. And I don’t want to talk about it, or write about it, or even look at this question anymore.
If
I make you pancakes, will you let me put syrup on them? Probably not.
Not unless you force me to in a therapy activity.
Where is he making these hypothetical pancakes? In my kitchen? Is he messing up my kitchen to make them? Ugh. I don’t want that either.
Will you go to a party with me?
Tonight? What party?
I don’t really want to go to a party. Any party. But…a party with him? I would go. Because, well, I don’t really want him to go with someone else.
But does he really want to go to one?
Ugh.
Will you go to a party with me? Possibly.
But only if we really have to.
Will you start to carry cash instead of always paying with a credit card?
Can I wash my hands right after using the cash?
Even if I can, what is the point of this? This is sort of a dated question. I don’t think OCD patients are the only people not carrying around cash these days.
Will you start to carry cash instead of always paying with a credit card? Probably not.
Will you proofread your next paper three times before submitting it? Absolutely.
At least three times. Maybe six.
Will you consider using cleaning products stronger than window cleaner and dish soap? Probably not.
Do you think that at some point you’ll be able to empty a dishwasher without thinking about Lockjaw? Probably not.
Freaking Lockjaw. Freaking forks.
From my observations, the music in your head doesn’t seem to upset you. It doesn’t seem to annoy you or pose any harm to you. Would you agree with this statement? Absolutely.
If you drop your purse in an area of dry, seemingly clean concrete in a store parking lot, will you throw out your purse?
Seemingly clean? Seemingly? What does that mean? Does that mean that the cleanliness is an illusion—that the area seems clean but is actually diseased?
I would need more information…much more information about the specific spot before I can answer this question. Is it a new parking lot? For which store? How many people are around? Is it a popular area? Ugh.
Forever Checking (Checked Series Book 3) Page 18
